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Starting to question out loud

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Title says it all but lemme give you some background...

I'm 32 AMAB and have really started to question myself. When I was younger I had an older step-sister that didn't really live with my mom and my ex-stepfather but she had a room at the house anyway. Mine was right across from her's and when I was 11-12ish, I would sneak in her room late at night and try on her clothes. The one thing I used to gravitate towards was a green Prom dress of hers and I would always put it on and was surprised it fit. But I really liked doing it, I don't know if it was the fear of getting caught wearing it or that I just liked wearing it at the time. 

Flash forward to my 20's and I have this folder on my computer of different girls with all sorts of hairstyles, always wished I could do something like that to the point that for a period I had bleached blond hair and even did blue for a spell. Always been a bit obsessed with girls hairstyles and general confidence. Now I'm going bald to the point that I shave my head and have a big beard.

I have had a few semi-serious relationships but always have had trouble in the intimacy dept. I'm not well endowed (don't know if this is just lack of experience or nerves) and found out that my parents chose my name because the Doctors didn't know if I was a male or female at birth.

I've really come into question recently if I should be a girl and what it would be like. I fantasize all the time what it would be like and have even bought a few wigs of varying hairstyles and have a private amazon wishlist full of other wigs and even some clothing pieces that I'm considering buying. When I put on the wig I look at myself in the mirror with the long black to honey blond ombré hair and the beard and I feel ridiculous but somehow right at the same time. My brother is a wedding photographer and he's going to be gone for a weekend coming up, I'm considering shaving off the beard, buying that stuff and see what I look like then. 

I've never really been happy with my body and when my hair started to disappear and finally decided to shave it off it was a big hesitant moment for me. 

I live with my older brother and while I feel like he might be somewhat supportive if I choose to transition, the thought still scares the hell out of me and how everyone else would react. I'm already disowned by my father for something stupid so I don't see that side of my family. But I still feel like it might be something that would finally make me feel like me and not me wearing someone else's face.

I should add that I also found out earlier this year that my half brother on my father's side whom I don't really know, is transitioning and I'm pretty sure that's what might have really brought my thoughts about it into the forefront.

Sorry for the really, really long post, but I've been debating posting about this for a while now and have wrote and rewrote this about a thousand times.

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Welcome to the forums


Your story is not unusual for this group as far as your "miss" adventures, even in to having the beard as a form of "proof" that you are male.  Being Trans does run in families as we have recently found out, so there is something going on there possibly. 


If you take off the beard, it will grow back and it is summer when it can be hot.  Give it a try and see what it feels like.  


On thing I will suggest is to find a Behavioral Health Therapist who works with patients who have gender questions.  (Gender Therapist).  They may also be able to refer you to someone who can help determine if you may be Intersexed which would give some additional explanation to your being who you are.  For peace of mind, it is all worth looking into.

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