Self love

[Kirsten]

Hey everyone. As many of ya know the last few months have been difficult for me to say the least. Cheating spouses, angry child, divorce talks, harassment at work, and so much more. And as everyone also knows prior to this I was flying high. I was positive. I was focused. I was making my life better in every way. I had kicked the anxiety of transition right in the belly. And I had beat the devil of depression that held me back for so many years before transition. In short I was happy. Truly and honestly happy. But then the ? decided to hit the fan. I had an issue with my foot that caused me to pause my exercise routine and along with that I lost the drive to stick with my self help books and even my Beachbody coaching. Slowly things got even worse. My wife wasn’t faithful. She was (and still is) not sure about being with me after an entire year of transition. School ended and the excess time has got my son back into some bad habits as well. And all this time I kept piling more and more crap onto my already extremely full plate. And I did well for a while. At least until I couldn’t anymore. 

Once that trust was lost with my wife it was all downhill. So for the last 2-3 months every week is worse than the one before. It got to the point where I was forced to remove my feed here for my wife. I cut all my online time out and I even focused more energy on trying to make my wife and child happier. To no avail I might add. But I kept trying. All the time becoming more depressed lost and confused.  Losing my good habits. Replacing them with ? ones. And overall putting me back into the same place I was at pre-transition. Driving 115 mph down the breakdown lane on the hiway hoping I crash and die. Wishing to not wake up tomorrow. All the same stuff as before my journey started. I went dark. And am still dark honestly. 

 

But i am still trying.  I am still putting in some self help time and it may be helping some. It’s at least gotten me back to needing my exercise routine. And eating well. And taking care of my self. I couldn’t see how bad I was getting. I just thought I was helping my wife. And my kid. But I wasn’t. And I’m still not. And I am glad I can see that. Finally. 

So today I have decided to change things. Not for anyone. Just for myself.  I am starting my new exercise routine soon. I am still eating well and will continue to. I am going to keep working with my kids and wife as long as they allow me to. But the one thing I am done doing is trying to make them happy. I am making myself happy again. That happy energized girl is me. And I love the real me. I am awesome. But right now I’m useless to everyone including myself. No not only including myself but the MOST to myself. So today I am going back to me. I am going back to seeing that girl I love in the mirror. To building my body in positive ways. To everything I was doing before. Coaching, helping, loving, caring, etc.... and if the people that are supposed to be “closest” to me can’t be happy and okay and supportive, I am done with them. I deserve someone who will be all of those things. And I’d rather have nobody than someone who doesn’t. 

Transition is hard. On everyone. Wife. Kids. Friends and family alike. It’s not for everyone. And you have to accept that before you start. I lost sight of that and of why I am where I am in the first place. So now I hope to be back on track. Back to doing what’s best for me and not what’s best for my wife or whomever. And I am NEVER going back. I’d rather be alone. And honestly between alone and happy vs with my family and dead (cause I will not last with this depression) I choose alone. 

Idk if this is right or wrong to think this way, but it’s where I am at. So hopefully I am right. But who knows. 

Anyways thanks for checking out my rant. It’s now in print so I have to stick to it. ?? y’all to y’all soon. 

[Astrid]

Lonnnnnng support hug, Kirsten!    

 

Keep doing what you must do, girl. 

 

Astrid

[ToniTone]

I feel for you Kirsten, my heart hurts to hear of your struggles. I wish I had something helpful to say. But it sounds like you know what is in your capacity and what you need to do that you can to take care of yourself. 

 

Keep your chin up. And drive safe! Your family needs you, even if it doesn't seem so atm... ?

 

~Toni

[reyindium]

Sounds like you're in the ? pits and are climbing out. Don't lose that fighting spirit. You deserve to be happy too. Please drive slower, for your safety and others. Come on here and rant anytime. That's one kind of self-care. Myself and others will be here to listen and support you through your struggles.

[lauraincolumbia]

On 7/17/2019 at 3:03 PM, Kirsten said:

So today I am going back to me. I am going back to seeing that girl I love in the mirror. To building my body in positive ways. To everything I was doing before. Coaching, helping, loving, caring, etc.... and if the people that are supposed to be “closest” to me can’t be happy and okay and supportive, I am done with them. I deserve someone who will be all of those things. And I’d rather have nobody than someone who doesn’t. 

 

Congratulations on going back to being you!  I wish that I had your strength!

[Kirsten]

Thank you. ??

 

[KymmieL]

Kirsten, Hugs to you that you finally got back to being yourself for yourself. Hopefully you will continue with it. I know with one you pledged to love for the rest of your life through better or worse. She goes and looks else were for love. I know if I ever found my wife had went else were. I would be gone even after 33+ yrs. 

 

Keep up the love for yourself, that is truly what matters.

 

Kymmie

[mochi90]

I am so sorry you've had such a rough time, but the fact that you are willing to continue your transition shows what a strong person you are. I know that the thought of being on your own can be scary, but the truth is, we don't need a spouse in order to be happy and healthy. Too much of society and our successes are defined by whether or not we have someone in a romantic sense. But it takes a different kind of strength to go out and live happily and single. There is no shame in being alone, and when the time is right, your real family will find you. 

[Kirsten]

Thanks. ❤️

 

Things have been better this week. But there’s a lot of baggage that will probably never be sorted thru to be honest. But I am sticking to me. And that’s all that matters anymore.