I'm 22 now but I won't be for long

[LeavesThatAreGreen]

I apologize in advance for how long and rambling this is going to be.

 

Well, in the past few weeks I've finally come to terms with the reality I've known for years. And I don't think a second too soon. I've been on a roller coaster ride these past few days, getting really wasted (not encouraging that behavior, nor do I mean to trigger anyone who suffers from alcohol abuse, just let me know if this part isn't ok) and crying my eyes out to music so loud the neighbors could hear it.

 

The first people I came out to were some people I knew online. I think I felt confident coming to them first because they have no idea what I looked like, they could instantly shift their perspective of me, and they did. They were incredibly accepting and to be treated like the person I really was for the first time was such an amazing experience and I felt a kind of happiness I've never felt before. Of course very soon after I was again wracked with self-doubt and shame. I almost got to the point where I felt like I was unsafe enough to check myself into in-patient (once again).

 

Realizing that my only options were seriously transition or die, the next day I came out to my therapist. Our scheduled meeting had to be called off, but when I emailed him to schedule a new one he offered to do a session over the phone. He was obviously incredibly supportive, said that he's had clients like me in the past and we'll have a lot to talk about the next session. Called me by my real name a million times and it was so great. Afterwards I called my brother and sister-in-law, which also went incredibly well, they're very open minded people, as is my mom who I called next. They all were supportive and agreed to try their best to get into the habit of using the right name and pronouns. I know it's gonna take a long time to adjust, and hell I still misgender myself even in my own head. I don't feel at this point that I'm worthy of being recognized yet, but I think I just have to fight through that. Telling my dad is going to be rough though, and I'm not even going to think about that for now.

 

As the title might suggest, I'm 22 and I'm not getting any younger. The thing that finally did it for me was noticing how masculine my body was getting. All of us sudden I experienced dysphoria intense enough to truly recognize it for the first time, and I realized that I've been dealing with it for years without knowing what it is. I've always been attracted to men so in the recent past I figured that "just being gay" would be enough, but obviously it's not the same thing. I could fight through it, but for some reason homosexual activity just didn't feel "right", not in a judgemental way, just in a "that's fine and all, and I'm into it, but it's not really me" way. Now I know what that reason was.

 

As far as the hand I've been dealt in terms of transitioning, I'm honestly pretty lucky. I think talking about the specific things I'm dealing with, for better or worse, is probably best for another thread. I've been reading around online and some people say that 22 is getting up there to start, but I don't think it is at all. Our bodies aren't even done developing until 25 or so, and it's NEVER too young to transition. I think most people who say "X is too old to transition" are trolls and transphobes who want us to choose the that only other option we have. Like I said, this isn't really the thread where I'd like to go into it, but in my opinion I don't have overly masculine features, and I think passing is well with-in the realm of possibilities for me sooner rather than later. I've got my work cut out for me, but in a lot of ways I really am lucky to be in the situation I am. Well, I mean if just being born the right gender wasn't an option.

 

Good luck to everyone else here, and I look forward to being a part of this community,

Jaye

[LeavesThatAreGreen]

Just now, MaryMary said:

hey, welcome I'm happy you are here and also happy that things seems to be going well. It's never too young to transition, we should not fall into that trap. To me it's a serious health concern (in the sense that it's not good to stay depressed and dysphoric for too long). It's great that people are doing this younger but the end goal is to be yourself and it's never too late to be yourself and to be happy I transitioned at 32 I was really old lollll I will send you positive energy so that it continues to go super well.

 

Thanks for your support! I wish you the best of luck and I don't think 32 was too late for you either, you're looking pretty good! Inspiring to see all the different people here who are really making it work, gives me a lot of hope for the future. It's going to be a rough couple years here at times, but for the first time in my life I truly see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Kamarka]

Hi there Jaye!

I'm so happy much of your family is ready and willing to help you through this process–

Keep chasing that light!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jaye,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

There are people here who started transition in there 60's. You're not getting too old.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Charlize]

Welcome Jaye.  It's been close to 8 years since i had those wonderful feelings you describe.  Simply getting honest, hearing and seeing your name used and fining self acceptance is such a freeing experience.  I was a young person myself.  At 63 it was perhaps as liberating as it might have been at 22.

Enjoy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mia1982]

Sheesh, I am 37 and just starting out and topics like this make me question everything like I am too old for this. Being 22 though let me tell you you are A OK! I wish I could be 22 again lol

[Maid In Bedlam]

I am so late to this party but had to comment. Love the Billy Bragg reference

 

Belated welcome to the forum.

 

I hope you settled in nicely ?

 

Just as a reference to your reference.  "All the girls i loved at school are no longer pushing prams". Unless it holds there grandchildren