Dysphoria

[Raven1981]

So I am having some super dysphoria happing right now.  I just started having thoughts of wishing that I was a little girl.  I am having thoughts of everything I missed cause I was not a little girl.  I am hating these thoughts.  I just want to die cause the never got to do the activities that the little girls get to do.  I just want to die.  Why can't I do some of the stuff or learn the stuff that little girls get to do?

[Kamarka]

I don't want to try and make light of the situation, so please call the helpline. Your beautiful life and soul matters so much in the grand scheme, no matter which path you are on or where you find yourself. There are people who love you and will miss you, and I for one am going to keep wondering where you are if I never hear from you. You've made it this far, so just make it a little farther! It's never too late to learn! Never! You've got to console yourself with that fact and do what you can, imo– Make a list of girly things you're dying to learn, join a group, just do what it takes to get yourself back on your feet again! People experience dysphoria in so many different ways, and I'm confident you can and WILL find how to combat it again and again and again

https://www.translifeline.org/ 

[Lexi C]

Raven please explain to me what u mean bye " I never get to do stuff a little girl dose". If your talking about ; you wish you could be smoke hot teenage, I have notice for you ..anyone over 40 male or female or whatever wishs that...It's a long process....Be happy you strong enough and have the courage  to begin it. You will never be a little girl neither will I. -crap- happens..But  now (I am 55) we have a chance to be the best woman we can be. and everyday it gets better because everyday we get better via growth, experience and so on..So congrats on yr courage. Don't forget we are finally living our dreams..much lv Here if u need to talk

[Raven1981]

Just a few things that have popped in my head would be taking girl's gymnastics.  I am too tall and too old now for gymnastics.  Wanting a American Girl Doll.  Learning how to be a girl when I am little so when I grow up to be a woman, I am all nice and girly and proper.  These are just a few things that I have had enter my mind that is making me hate myself and wanting to die now cause I never got to do anything like this when I was little.  Now that I am 38, I feel too old to do some of the stuff that I want to do

[Charlize]

Raven i hope you are seeing a therapist.  I know i had similar regrets.  I remember the few times when i was able to play girl games as being special.  Unfortunately like you i couldn't enjoy those times as much as i might like.  My therapist helped as has the chance to live as myself now.  Letting go of that past and enjoying today can be difficult and we often need help.  Please know that with help you can step away from those feelings.  As a 38 year old person you are dealing with issues i didn't confront before my 60's.  It does seem possible to have peace with myself but i need help at times.  Hopefully posting here does help.  Remember the chatrooms are there for support and hotlines if needed!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Raven1981]

Just now, Charlize said:

Raven i hope you are seeing a therapist.  

 

I am going to see my therapist when I get back to PHX from VA.

[Lexi C]

Hey Raven Charlize is right about the pass, But that should not stop you for doing the things you want. instead of gymnastics join a make over class where you can learn about how to apply it , it will help you feel more fem as well. As for the Doll store..Why can't you enjoy that..it actually sound pretty cool....there is no law that sez you can do inside ..Like Charlize I did not get right until my mid 50, but f.. that I am trying to enjoy every day now...its take a minute ( for me 2yrs of G.T and 6months and kick on HRT) and it will tough at times..but be you enjoy yourself ..DON'T FORGET YOUR HUMAN JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. much lv keep me post it

 

[Raven1981]

I am just having some major super dysphoria and wish that I was dead.  I just want to die cause of how my T spiked up and now I dont feel like myself and I dont feel pretty.  I just want to die

[Ellora]

37 minutes ago, Raven1981 said:

I am just having some major super dysphoria and wish that I was dead.  I just want to die cause of how my T spiked up and now I dont feel like myself and I dont feel pretty.  I just want to die

Pleeeeease don’t be discouraged! Please call someone, call a hotline if you must! We all care about you and we want you to feel better!

Did your doctor offer you any reason(s) for the spike? Or ways to counter the spike? 

Is the way you are injecting the HRT possibly affecting the way it gets into your body?

Having an Orchiectomy would stop the T. 

Please call someone! I hope you feel better really soon! I care, we care!!!

[Ellora]

@Raven1981 there is always hope, please call someone. This is a Journey, with its ups and downs. Turn this down, into an up! Don’t give up, be strong and tell the T to knock it off and get out. Meditate, think of all the happy times, from the very beginning of your journey, and after, tell your mind and body what needs to happen. Tell the T to knock it off, step aside cause the E is here to stay. Stay strong! 

[Charlize]

Ravin please don't hesitate to go to the chatrooms here where there are folks who can talk in real time.  You might also want to call The Trans Lifeline at 877 565 8860.

Sometimes we need help so please do reach out.  What you are going through will pass but please don't think that getting help is a weakness.  I know i'm happy and alive because i reached out.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Raven1981]

5 hours ago, Ellora said:

Pleeeeease don’t be discouraged! Please call someone, call a hotline if you must! We all care about you and we want you to feel better!

Did your doctor offer you any reason(s) for the spike? Or ways to counter the spike? 

Is the way you are injecting the HRT possibly affecting the way it gets into your body?

Having an Orchiectomy would stop the T. 

Please call someone! I hope you feel better really soon! I care, we care!!!

My Emdo thinks that when I switched compounding pharmacy that the new compounding pharmacy uses a different ingredient and does not do a quality check.  We are moving me back to the previous compounding pharmacy.  Sure it's an hour drive for me vers. 30min.  But the previous compounding pharmacy had my E around the 300's

 

I have always been injecting in my thing alternating between legs in the location that I was taught.

 

I have already had a partial Orchiectomy back in 2008 from when I had Testicular cancer.  So that was already done and my incession is actually in the location on my pelvis cause the urologist I went to in California misdiganosed it as a hernia but since the testicular grew so large in the shape of a gord, they were able to pull out the testicular out the incession on my pelvis.

 

I currently have an appt. with my therapist on Monday.  But I hope that I can make it.  But I hate myself still and I still dont feel like me and dont feel pretty

[Ellora]

Just now, Raven1981 said:

the previous compounding pharmacy had my E around the 300's

Then there is hope! Now that you will be switching back to your other pharmacy, you can regain your E numbers! 

You mentioned partial, can your Doctor complete the Orchiectomy? So you won’t have anymore T in your system? 

Hate the game, not the player, you are making corrections on something that wasn’t your fault. Then take the hate, stare it in the face and virtually throw it in the trash. You got this! 

 

[Lexi C]

Hey Amy. I know this is hard..freaky it sucks. I too have falling into that trap...the hotline will work, but if your really on that crossroads then get yrself in a 72hrs hold...It will be hard at first, properly the worse thing you will ever do, but it aloud me to think -crap- out, got me on Medicare which got me to where I am today..I still have the dy, I still have the panic attacks but I take my breaths, count from a 100 backwards like I was taught and re group...Your a pretty special person and your journey  and courage has always help me out. You have mine em if you want to reach out. Be Strong, Be proud and kick ass

[Raven1981]

Thinking on dressing up as Raven from my Cosplay.  For whatever reason, when I am Raven from the original Teen Titans.  I always feel so much better.

[Lexi C]

Sorry for the late reply been super busy at work. that great always good to find a release valve..keep posting..