A long ways to go yet

[Kirsten]

So I went to a concert last night and it was a very “me” kind of a concert. As my wife tells me, it was a hippy dippy SoCal beach bum kind of a vibe. So lots of “those girls” as she also says. Up talking tattoo covered dreadlock wearing hippie chicks. Lots of flowy draped style dresses and bikini tops. Very me. But also the opposite of my wife which I tend to think could be our issue. But that’s not what I’m talking about. 

 

So so I was in the restroom and these girls just come in and make friends in there. They all talk and laugh and shoot the ? so to speak and I am just not even close to being able to do that. It was hard for me to feel so scared to talk to people that really are a lot like me. I guess it’s got to do with the age gap, transition fears, and just lack of befriending people in general. Idk. It was sad for me to feel that way. Like I’ll never fit in. So it’s probably not any of that stuff I said. It’s probably the not fitting in feeling. I don’t know how long that will last, but that’s hard for me. 

 

Any tips or tricks to help get over this sort of thing? 1:1 I am great. Heck even smaller get together type things. Or really giant. But that in public 1:20 sharing deal. I just freeze up panic and rush away sad with myself. 

[ToniTone]

No tips, just saying I can relate. There's so many people at my treatment. I don't relate to the guys or the girls. I just kinda sit on my own during our smoke breaks. My transition sister and a couple girl friends have been pulling me into the mix. I just kinda sit in the circle and giggle with them, don't really ever have much to add to the conversation. 

 

I'm just so shy and socially awkward. My interests are pretty obscure and not really sided toward male or female stereotype. Really, these things have always been an issue. But it affects me more as a woman now bc sometimes I just want to be one of the girls, and not just some alien on the fringe... 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

That said, it is nice to have some girl friends who want to pull me into the social circle. 

 

A lot of the guys there are surprisingly supportive and friendly to me too. 

 

Socializing is just hard for me... 

[Charlize]

 Conversation in the ladies room was virtually impossible for me early in transition.  I'm less self absorbed now with greater confidence in my identity.  I cam easily be drawn into conversations now.   Relax, give yourself time and someday you will look back and wonder......did i once have a problem?

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Me too.  I was never a great conversationalist but now that I have found my groove and my confidence I talk to everybody.   I also wonder why was I ever like I was?  Answer: lack of confidence.  

 

Also as far as the "hippy chicks" we all belong to a tribe of sorts and sometimes we just don't relate, even though we think we might or can.  I'm not saying don't try to talk with them but sometimes we're just not on the wavelength as the people we run into.  Que Sera Sera! 

 

Jani

[Ellora]

Not all girl types talk to all girl types. I don’t talk to everyone I see, or want to join in on their convos. I have tried in the past, and it doesn’t always work, cause not everyone wants someone else to hop in or comment on a conversation. They may be loud or have something interesting going on, but it can turn into an awkward moment sometimes. Sometimes the timing is right, and everyone just gets along, sometimes they don’t. Being more social will give you more confidence, and you will find your groove. Give it time.

I used to hang out at coffee houses, and not everyone there wants  others to just start talking. I did find a coffee house that was very friendly and made some really good friends. 

[tracy_j]

I am naturally shy and never really talked a lot until I got to know people in life generally. This did have one advantage though as, beyond teenage crushes, I have always found it easier to get on with women. I like chatting and have sometimes spoken in restrooms. I would find the 1:20 thing scary though. Queues can be an issue as people have time to look. I am who I am though so cannot hide. I do think that in the (normal) right atmoshpere the other women would not worry even if they realised. Perhaps it's my experience of working in a predominantly female employee building, but at least here, women can be very accepting. Obviously it's on the odd occasion things might go sour with a bad apple. I think the scariest I had with a group was when visiting the restroom at the seaside one year. It was full of women and children, even teenagers sitting around texting. Women seldom worry me but obviously they protect their children and can react to perceived threats. A wrong reaction in that type of situation is always a percieved issue with me. Still it is like I have been going all my life.

 

I agree with Jani about the lack of confidence. Generally tone and body language quickly tells me that people are a bit anti. It does not happen often and is almost always with men, not women, but experience is good for recognising it's time to bow out. Although it can and is obviously clouded a bit when generally scared anyway, female intuition is a great skill to work on.

 

Tracy

[Kirsten]

I seem to have my issues out and about. At “things” like concerts or shows or whatever. But big things like that. And I see these girls all make friends with other people. But I don’t seem to have that knack anymore. 

I used to have ins. Like tailgating and playing cornhole or quarters. Sure I still can, but those guys don’t really accept me like before. 

So on to the women...... but I don’t know how to have an in I guess. In groups smaller that 4-5 I’m all good. Unless that group is in the middle of a bigger group of 100s. Ugh. Shoulda been learning this at 14 not 41. 

[VickySGV]

My only tip is the word "time".  I am comfortable (after a long time) with myself and do not really see it as a gender issue so much as just person thing.  With a women's group I stand just on the edge obviously listening to what is going on, and most of the time someone will physically invite me into the group by edging over a bit, or someone will smile at me and the group will open up to give me a more physical presence in it and thus it begins. Big point is to stay on the "topic" they are talking about.  Sometimes the group will tighten up and obviously want to keep, not just me, but others out, and I move on.  Male groups are quicker to open up "the circle" but there will be an Alpha Core who do all the talking and while body presence is there, participation is limited.

[Kirsten]

Aaaahhh the old lean in and hope for the pull. That is a good tactic. Haven’t used that in ages now. But that may have to happen. Not in the ladies room tho. ???

[Kirsten]

 

So on the plus side, I am able to go to the beach and not get a stare or weird look at all. I am still in shorts for the bottom half, but after yesterday I feel pretty good about the changes so far. Even on the ride down we had a couple of guys flirting with us on the hiway. It’s a 2 lane road and there’s a lot of traffic so you end up making friends sometimes. This time just happened to be a guy on a bike and another in a Jeep. It was affirming for sure. 

Oh and the beach was awesome! As it always is. Today we are off to do some boating on a yacht for a family cookout! It’s being catered by an artisan pizza food truck I guess. It should be a great time! We will be missing the older boy because he’s going to the beach with his other mom today. 

Hope everyone’s having a good weekend! 

[Charlize]

Looks like a lovely day at the beach!  What fun!  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ToniTone]

Fun! Good to see y'all having some family fun in the sun! 

 

I love the ocean... 

 

~Toni