What It's Like for Trans Women Who "Don't Look Trans"

[Carolyn Marie]

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/vb99dm/transgender-women-explain-what-its-like-when-they-dont-look-trans

 

Interesting and valuable perspective on the plusses - and minuses of supposedly "passing."

 

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

Nothing new here from what I have known since I first "hit the streets" as Vicky back in 1998.  For my first 10 years, it was not 24/7 but when I was cross dressed, a then 50+ year old white woman was IGNORED or on rare occasion received a wolf-whistle but only one or two scary approaches.  Inside the club I primarily went to, I did endure the minor bra strap snapping problems of an admirer or two but I was not made the center of attention on the streets outside of it.  My younger Asian, Black and Latinx Trans Friends do have to be much more careful than I do both for the age, and the race issues and we talk about it and they know I am an ally on both ends of it.  I take heart in the fact that even my younger white Trans friends listen to and respect what their siblings are enduring and are learning how to be compassionate supporters of the whole Trans family.

 

I gave up trying to "pass" several years ago though and just consider myself a "me".

 

 

[DesiB]

It makes a major difference when the context is that of being attractive to the opposite sex.  That's when we get into issues of obligation to disclose to avoid accusations of trickery and deception.  The more attractive you are, the more scrutiny you face.  And of course that is not fair, but that's the way it is. 

 

I felt fortunate that I was sort of thrown into the lions' den as a substitute school teacher.  I was always under the spotlight in front of the group, but I also had to focus on lesson plans and classroom management, and I was not in a peer situation where sexual attraction even entered my mind.  Being older and heavy set perhaps helped me to just stick to my job despite the fact that most students are experts at undermining the sub.  In the early days I did get questions about what was wrong with my voice and so on.  But I kept my focus on being the best teacher I could be until everything fell into place and just felt right.  It did take a couple years to put most of the self-doubting behind, but it does get pushed aside which in turn probably helps reduce behavior that would bring unwanted attention.

 

After going through the stage of not knowing what others think of me and getting used to it so much that I simply did not dwell on it, I started to realize that when I met new people, whether at work or at the grocery store or anywhere in public, it was no longer a matter of me trying to actively declare my gender to the world--the world was actively identifying me as a woman, a mother, a female coworker, etc.  It was a relief to realize that I could not even be accused of deception because it was everyone else who made all the assumptions about me. 

 

So what is it like?  Mostly it is not even an issue--so long as the relationship is professional or even casual.  The only time I would become uncomfortable is if I got into a situation where things could become intimate, or when dealing with anyone who has access to a thorough legal or medical background check.  And that keeps me honest.  Since I never want to be found to be a liar, I have become good at avoiding getting too close to anyone.  For me, what it is like turns out to be lonely.  I just have to keep my distance if I want to preserve all the 'positive' assumptions. 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

I suppose I am in the phase of feeling very feminine but still looking quite male if I am not made up and in the proper attire and a wig.  Even then my critical judgement still see a male face in there.  To others that know me they think I look female when dressed as such but I am still very venerable to the feelings of not passing and of snap trans haltered that does exists in our society.  

Unfortunately I am also in a failing marriage that has the one condition of not presenting female in public or the divorce paper will start.  For the sake of my financial security and a place to still call home I concede to this. We have an agreement to live together even after this but have been in an inhouse separation since before Christmas.  It is working just fine but I do feel caged.

I mention this because I think down deep I can use this as my "excuse" to not presenting in public until I am ready to, even though I already want to.  I am afraid of my first transphobic incident reading all these terrible stories of things that happen to others.

It just not right and not fair but that is life for a trans person.  

[DesiB]

The world can be a scary place and it can also be a wonderful place.  So we prepare for the worst and greatly appreciate the best.  It takes time and starts internally.  In the beginning I was afraid I'd never even be allowed through the doors to a school, let alone be left in charge of a classroom.  Just being there felt like such an accomplishment.  So I could endure 100 perceived insults a day and still go home with a big smile on my face for just receiving a single compliment!  It does sound sad that any of us ever has to set our expectations so low, but I really was very happy at that stage and just continued to build from there.  Best wishes, Shawna.  Find your happiness where ever you can and let those experiences guide your path.