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Misgendering triggers

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Sorry all, I just need a place to vent right now.


First day of vacation with my partner's side of the family and the triggers are already piling up. I came out as NB a few weeks ago by text. Got the underlying text of "we don't see gender, everything will be as it always was." 

Apart from the general subtlies, I already heard "good girl!" Not only am I not a girl, I'm also not a child or dog! That's more than one trigger even... I don't even... The person who dis this is super critical and defensive, I didn't want to get started because it seriously drains me.


How do you deal with this type of thing?

Bonus: this side of the family is german and their english is also limited, which doesn't help but the underlying attitude is worst. 

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You may already have done this but perhaps you could ask that they use the pronouns you choose.  It takes time for people to change the perceptions they have always had. Gentle reminders do help as does patience.  My son used the wrong pronouns for years.  I must admit that i let him know how upset i was when he misgendered me in public.  Today he is much better.  "Giving up" your father can be hard.   I find it so pleasing now that my wife never makes a mistake.  It simply takes time and patience.

Perhaps i also have an advantage being MTF.  My gender presentation is obvious but even so it took time for those who knew me.





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I have had the same issue with some of my friends.  It is very irritating, and difficult to know whether people are doing it deliberately, or whether it just doesn't occur to them.


It is easy to think that these people should know better, but we can't see things from their perspective.  It must be very weird and confusing for them.



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Its similar to a loss. If you lost a friend to an illness you would need time to grieve. Well it’s a similar timeframe for all of this I think as well. Figure you’re gonna deal with misgenderings for about 1/2 of the time they have known you. (Hopefully much less) So parents for instance. I am 40. So by the time I’m 60 (20 yrs) they will have mostly forgotten I was male. And it’ll be less and less as time goes by. But it takes time. And hopefully they are able to gender correctly before that “forgetting the old” occurs. 


For me i I just don’t let it bother me. It sucks but it doesn’t take away from me in any way. I am still me. And I am happy with me. Maybe a quick “that’s she” or “I’m a her” and right back to the convo. Then it’s not a big deal. But try not to be upset with the misgendering. It’s not worth the time or effort it takes to be upset about it. 

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Thank you for your replies. Oddly forum notifications don't seem to be working for me..


I know it's not easy on them and they aren't coming from a bad place. I feel like a coward for not bringing it up, but I honestly don't have any mental energy when I'm around them. I guess what bothers me more is my identity/coming out being completely ignored. The culminating point having been:

they "any plans for the weekend?"

me "going to be pride parade"

they "oh... there was one in Berlin last week"

and topic changes...


I'm just glad it's over now and I'm on my way home.

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