Extremely confused about my gender identity... please help before I choose to transition

[gracey01]

To start, I am an 18 year old male (questioning mtf). Right so over the past year and a half or so I’ve been seriously questioning my gender identity. It all started when I was probably 4 years old and I used to sit in my younger sisters room with her (2 years younger, we’ve pretty much always been best friends) and wear this diary dress that she had. We would try and shut the door so that my mum couldn’t come in and I’d just dance around in the dress. I also remember at that time whenever we bought dressing up I wanted to get whatever my sister was getting but had to settle for the ‘boys option’. Another thing was I would pretend I was going to the doctors to have my male parts removed and would walk around with them between my legs in the bathroom pretending I had a vagina. I always had dreams about being a girl and said if I had one wish it would be to be a girl, even if just for a day. 

 

As I got older I began dressing up in my mums and sisters clothes (I was about 11 when this began). I continued doing this for years but as I was becoming a teenager it kind of became something I would get off to while doing. Well this is where the confusion started. I tried to stop dressing in girls clothes and just forget about it all. This lasted for a while but then probably around 2 years ago I began doing it again after a good 6 months at least. Late last year my current girlfriend found some clothes under my bed and thought I might be cheating on her and that was when I decided to tell her that I thought I might be transgender but I was so confused. So she helped me and we went out and bought some clothes etc and for a while I was convinced I wanted to transition. However, again I was confused because after I would get off, these feelings would temporarily disappear and be replaced by guilt and shame for minutes, hours, even days. But they always came back. I decided to tell my mum because I thought maybe getting started with gender GP could help and that she’d be able to help me get set up. However, although she was supportive, she made me feel very uncomfortable and I tried to forget about everything again and just pretend I never had these thoughts, at least until after the summer. Well, since summer has started, I feel like I’ve been having a lot of dysphoria when seeing girls walking around in skirts and cute dresses etc. I felt the same last year but I thought it may be just I liked what they’re wearing and that I’m attracted to them or whatever, and I still feel it could be that, but at the same time it feels like it must be more. It’s almost like I have a longing for something but I can’t put my finger on what. I’m now trying to get started with gender GP again but before I spend my money I wanted to get some people’s thoughts on here bc I don’t want to waste my time and money.

 

The final thing I worry about and is causing me to question myself is the fact that I am in quite a successful local band where I live and things are going amazingly. I worry that if I transitioned, all the people who have helped us get to where we are, as well as my band mates, will no longer want to work with me and I may not get to peruse my dream. This is what always makes me back out of doing something, along with how scared I am to tell people and then end up changing my mind.

 

As you can probably tell, I’m very confused over whether this is a fetish, sexual frustration or whether I really am transgender. Any help or tips would be really greatly appreicated... :)

[KymmieL]

While I am not a professional. It does sound like you have gender dysphoria. I was exactly the same as you for years. I would underdress 99.9% of the time even in the military. I thought I was just a crossdresser. It wasn't till I was until I was 53 when I finally figured out that I have GD and I started transitioning.

 

To transition or not is totally up to you. Also how far you want to take that transition. While I have been wearing  female underwear for years. currently my street cloths have been changed to female. IIRC I have one pair of mens jeans and one pair of shorts. the rest is ladies. Most of the time the only thing male I am wearing is shoes. T-shirts I feel are androgynous. I do have ladies shirts. (and getting more ) 

 

Gracey, My best advice would be to see a gender therapist. They can help. but ultimately it is up to you whither or not you transition and how far.

 

Kymmie 

[Kirsten]

I would agree that it is clear you are somewhere in the gender spectrum under the trans umbrella. Knowing that means it’s time to experiment.  The key to all of this is to do as little as you have to to make yourself happy. Some people get their relief from dressing casually on weekends or for special trips. Others like myself are 100%ers who will do everything possible to adjust my body and mind to feel like myself. And be confident and comfortable with who I am. 

Where you end up is all up to you. There is no right or wrong way to be yourself. Just figure out who and/or what that means. Find a way to be happy with yourself. That’s all. Therapy with a gender therapist would be very helpful for you I think. Just be honest with yourself, your doctors/therapists, and close friends and family. But be prepared to deal with the consequences as well. 

[Krisvm]

I would echo what other people say here that you definitely sound like you are somewhere under the trans* umbrella.

 

33 minutes ago, gracey01 said:

  

As you can probably tell, I’m very confused over whether this is a fetish, sexual frustration or whether I really am transgender. Any help or tips would be really greatly appreicated...

 

I spent a lot of time dismissing this as a sexual kink I should suppress, which I think is a thing in our society often happens. From what I have read it is not uncommon to feel more aroused in these situations, as for many people what they are feeling is a combination of gender euphoria and relaxation at being more comfortable in your gender. 

 

I would say start experimenting if you can. What worked for me was treating it rationally, like a scientist. Go through every other possibility you can think of to being trans and see if you can discount them, and see if you can get someone you are willing to trust to just talk through each thing with. (If you can't think of anyone IRL you want to do it, I am happy to DM about it).

 

43 minutes ago, gracey01 said:

The final thing I worry about and is causing me to question myself is the fact that I am in quite a successful local band where I live and things are going amazingly. I worry that if I transitioned, all the people who have helped us get to where we are, as well as my band mates, will no longer want to work with me and I may not get to peruse my dream. This is what always makes me back out of doing something, along with how scared I am to tell people and then end up changing my mind.

 

There is always a risk but the majority of people nowadays are actually very supportive. And the risk if you keep trying to suppress this is that you will be unhappy. You obviously have to decide for yourself but you could discover you can have your cake and eat it, be able to happy with your gender identity and have everyone accept yourself. Just have a think about what you want most.

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

While I am not a professional. It does sound like you have gender dysphoria. I was exactly the same as you for years. I would underdress 99.9% of the time even in the military. I thought I was just a crossdresser. It wasn't till I was until I was 53 when I finally figured out that I have GD and I started transitioning.

I just want to add myself to this endless list of people who had the exact same childhood experiences.  I even experiences at the same ages as yourself.  I started getting dressed in girls clothes at age 4, then after being rebuked by mom for it, I was able to hold off until age 11 when puberty started kicking in.  The off/on guilty feelings continued and, sadly, I ended up waiting until age 56 before doing anything permanently about it.  As others have mentioned, you are likely somewhere in the TG spectrum with us here.  The hard part is finding out what it will take to bring you to a place of understanding who you are and becoming comfortable with it.  It's all a very personal thing that we have to decide for ourselves, hopefully, with the help of a good therapist.  They may be able to help you understand that the feelings and desires you have should not create unfounded guilt.  I have to add...you are in good company here at TP.

 

Thank you for sharing,

Susan R?

[BrandiBri]

I started cding at 11 and had basically the same story as you, except that my parents never knew. At 69 I finally realized that I am transgender and  my life really changed! The wonderful people here have been very helpful in my transition and I know that you will find their advice and encouragement to be useful as well. Welcome to the forums!

 

Brandi

[VickySGV]

You are NOT cis gender.  Where does that leave you?  Cis gender people do not question their birth assigned gender and you are.  I did not come out to myself that I was fully a Trans person for whom HRT and GCS became part of the whole journey.  I am swinging back a bit toward Non Binary from binary female, but I am still me in this.

 

As far as your music dream, considering the number of young Trans musicians I know these days, you should be able to do fine.  Musicians get to be a little to a helluva lot different in refining their own unique acts and styles, that few if any will blink an eye or plug an ear.  Your music may get better if you can put the gender ducks into a line.

[LeavesThatAreGreen]

From what I've read here, I think you would be right to seek out a gender therapist. I've experienced gender dysphoria for quite sometime, and I've had strange feelings I couldn't quite explain since I was a little kid. It took me years to slowly come to terms with this, and only very recently have I made the decision that I don't have any choice but to transition. But not everyone experiences signs that they aren't cis so early, and they don't always recognize them as such.

 

Personally, I tried very hard to block out the thoughts I had as a kid that I felt in some sense that I had more in common with girls or any desires I had to do gender non-conforming things because I had a very conservative upbringing. This lead me down the lonely path of isolating myself for years and trying to escape my biology with drugs and alcohol and all manor of other avoidance techniques.

 

As for your band, and as with friends in general, if they're truly behind you they'll stick with you no matter what. One of the singers in a band I really like transitioned actually after she'd been the lead singer for over a decade. For the most part, she got nothing but support from her fans and the band was with her 100% https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Jane_Grace

 

11 hours ago, gracey01 said:

I’m very confused over whether this is a fetish

 

I felt this way for a while and it was a very long process of breaking myself of the idea that my gender identity was some kind of perversion. This is actually kind of a common thing for some people, and I'm not saying that this is true for you, because of how a lot of us get our, uh, first exposure to the idea of what it might be like to be the other gender. So it's crucial to break that false association being trans might have with sex, for people who happen to have it.

[Brianne]

Gracey I know quite a bit about the band scene AND I'm mtf. I've experienced pretty much everything you've mentioned. So if you ever have any questions I'd be happy to try and answer.

[gracey01]

18 hours ago, Brianne said:

Gracey I know quite a bit about the band scene AND I'm mtf. I've experienced pretty much everything you've mentioned. So if you ever have any questions I'd be happy to try and answer.

amazing i’ve messaged you

[Maid In Bedlam]

I was confused once. For many years i was under the impression I was a man.

 

Funny enough i read you post. I use to do all that to. Hiding clothes, Looking at girls and thinking. Now why am i not wearing that.

This was mainly peir pressure and society in general that gives you the wanting to be girly is wrong. especially where i grew up.

 

If it does come to pass you have gender dysphoria which In my opnion needs a second opnion by someone trained then you need to take the next step. That step is up to you.

 

What i would say as hard as it may sound is ask yourself what you want out of life?

 

face it head on. Dysphoria doesnt go away. You can hide it or try to ignore it. Buy dont take my word for it. Read the testimony of others. It doesnt go away as such just sits there and festers.

 

Ive said it before. But I pretended for 47 years to be something i wasnt. However when i did embrace it. I relised what a sad life i had before and how much more  Happy,Content, Comftable with the woman i was all along. Now i look back i hated myself for the pretend game i had to play. Why did i surcome to what others wanted and not me? I guess it was just what was expected.

 

I was prepared to give up everything to be the real me. I did give up so much but I add up the pros and cons. Then i have far more Pros now than i ever did. I now run my life and not gender dysphoria. Trust me  being in control of your own destiny is far more beneficial.

You do have to be prepared to give up everything you know. Its just the shackles of your piers clamping you in thinking theres nothing better out there.

 

I will end on this. Some who think they have dysphoria dont really. They just want to be part of the trend. accepting something so huge changes your life. You want it to be for the better and not a false prophet telling you its what you want and not what you really desire.

 

If people are still willing to accept you after then they are your true calling. If they dont then belive in your happiness and freedom and leave them by the wayside.

 

You may think im a hard bitch but gender dysphoria is a cruel mistess. But with taming she can become something far more beautiful.

 

Your in the UK therefore the wait is gonna be a long one to see a specialist. five years ago i had to wait over a year for an intial appointment. So goodness knows how long it is now.  However that wait will give you time to explore your feelings knowing that should you wish to continue that journey there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[TommieAnne]

I was reading this, thinking there ought to be a "like" option for several replies.

At any rate, coming to grips with yourself and the person you really are will only make you a better artist. I say this as someone who has been a practicing visual artist for over 50 years. Only when I was able to confront myself and admit who I am (even though some of that is still being sorted out) was i able to find my "voice"!

I believe it is fine to be unclear about who you are. That seems to fall into the category of "questioning" - which can provide answers.

I wish you well on your journey. Life is an adventure!

[Lexi C]

Hey. G  Everyone one before is right in their on way, that said..I would bet a million $ we all started CD at a young age, We all thought its was a fetish, and we all felt ashamed for being something we were told not to be. What kind  of Band are you in? .Heavy Metal, Comtemp, utlta, anything short of The Blue Men Group would properly welcome the creativeness you will add. As For Dysphoria (unless you trans into one of those supermodel types) it will never good away( at least for me) it will become easier as you get more comfortable , but it will always be there. And Vicki is right on money..You either know or you don't..I am still Non.B but slowly move to her. Be Proud, Stay Safe and Kick Ass...

 

FYI

Arrest And Development best group every

[SamanthaC]

Wow - there is so much similarity here to what i have experienced and am still going through. It's uncanny. I really feel like I've found a home here. Thank you all so much!

[Josie70]

Hello sorry your having this confusion.  You’re going to get all kinds of advice. Some of the advice will be good and some of it could be very harmful. From my experience gender is probably one of the most  misunderstood and over exaggerated expressions you will ever find.  It’s not about make up or clothing it’s about you being you and excepting who you are. 

[VickySGV]

Hi    @Josie70    welcome to the Forums, why don't you pop in to the Introduction Forum and give us a bit more on what brings you here!!.

[gracey01]

On 8/29/2019 at 7:09 PM, Alex C said:

Hey. G  Everyone one before is right in their on way, that said..I would bet a million $ we all started CD at a young age, We all thought its was a fetish, and we all felt ashamed for being something we were told not to be. What kind  of Band are you in? .Heavy Metal, Comtemp, utlta, anything short of The Blue Men Group would properly welcome the creativeness you will add. As For Dysphoria (unless you trans into one of those supermodel types) it will never good away( at least for me) it will become easier as you get more comfortable , but it will always be there. And Vicki is right on money..You either know or you don't..I am still Non.B but slowly move to her. Be Proud, Stay Safe and Kick Ass...

 

FYI

Arrest And Development best group every

Hello! I’m in an indie/shoegazy/dreamy kinda band. 

[Lexi C]

I can listen to Lumineers all day long as we. Hope all is good with you.