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Somebunny

My boyfriend gets misgendered even though he doesn’t look like a woman. How do I comfort him when he’s deeply insecure?

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Somebunny

I’ve known him since before he started transitioning and still thought he was just butch. I’ve watched him go through his transformation and become so manly and handsome and he came out of his shell more and I just. I can’t see him as a woman. He’s completely outwardly who he is on the inside rn and he’s definitely not a girl. No hints of it even. like...I don’t see whatever is telling people that he’s anything but a guy... like where are they getting that? You can imagine that when people misgender him and he tells me about it I tell him what I think and I truly want him to believe it but obviously they must be seeing something and he’s busy searching himself and finding every insecurity and it breaks my heart in two. They make him regret the weight he finally gained after being underweight for so long. He never got misgendered when he was underweight. He wants to dim down his fashion choices. He gets suicidal thoughts a lot too. I’ve tried so hard to make things better and help him forget those people—their comments aren’t even worthy of consideration or grief. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m being ingenuine and sugar coating stuff when I tell him he’s handsome and very manly and that i love the way he looks with the extra weight because he looks healthy and I love that. It’s all truth and I don’t think he’s able to feel anything but the nasty comments and misgendering when those kinds of people come around. Is there anything I can do or say other than what is mentioned here that will make him feel more secure because I know those people aren’t going to change and he’s going to run into so many of those kinds of awful human beings. if I had it my way I’d probably hide him in a world full of kind people who didn’t analyze and pick people apart. but anyways if there’s advice to be given I’m down for any of it.

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reyindium

Gosh, I honestly don't have solid advice to offer you. I already think you are doing what he needs in offering him your sincerity, support, and validation. If he doesn't already, he should seek counseling...not just to talk about the his gender issues, but maybe also to work on developing a positive self image for his body and personal [fashion] tastes. He definitely needs to talk to someone about his suicidal thoughts/feelings. And there's no shame getting on some medication to help balance things out, if that's what he needs.

It takes time and experience for most people to develop a thick skin; it isn't easy to do. But the sooner he stops taking to heart their opinions, the better off he'll be. You're totally right...their opinions aren't worth the consideration/grief. 

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Somebunny
Just now, reyindium said:

Gosh, I honestly don't have solid advice to offer you. I already think you are doing what he needs in offering him your sincerity, support, and validation. If he doesn't already, he should seek counseling...not just to talk about the his gender issues, but maybe also to work on developing a positive self image for his body and personal [fashion] tastes. He definitely needs to talk to someone about his suicidal thoughts/feelings. And there's no shame getting on some medication to help balance things out, if that's what he needs.

It takes time and experience for most people to develop a thick skin; it isn't easy to do. But the sooner he stops taking to heart their opinions, the better off he'll be. You're totally right...their opinions aren't worth the consideration/grief. 

I wish it was easy for him to brush off. He’s a cancer crab as am I and it’s difficult for him to not take things to heart. He’s also in a tough spot where he doesn’t feel like he can get professional help. It sucks so much.

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reyindium
Just now, Somebunny said:

I wish it was easy for him to brush off. He’s a cancer crab as am I and it’s difficult for him to not take things to heart. He’s also in a tough spot where he doesn’t feel like he can get professional help. It sucks so much.

If it's money, there are resources for free counseling.

If it's location, there are online therapists.

 

But whatever the reason, if therapy isn't an option, he could maybe benefit from support groups or forums like this one, where he can talk to others who share those kinds of experiences and have lived through them. There is a wealth of advice and support to be offered here.

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Somebunny
Just now, reyindium said:

If it's money, there are resources for free counseling.

If it's location, there are online therapists.

 

But whatever the reason, if therapy isn't an option, he could maybe benefit from support groups or forums like this one, where he can talk to others who share those kinds of experiences and have lived through them. There is a wealth of advice and support to be offered here.

I hope that he’ll find help and I’ll suggest that kind of stuff. Thank you sm for all your advice ❤️

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Alex C

Hey ReyinDuim is right. I don't know where yr at but there always a voice out there who is willing to( therapist, school consular, chat rooms etx)   lessen objectively. As for his situation, I can honestly say EVERONE whose transition has gone through that. I been on hrt going on 7months and fu= if I still don't get called sir or dude even when I am made up and wearing a wig. But I just ignore it or correct then and move on..It's hard as  hell and for a sec or min I feel like kick ass but that was the old me...Also  he is properly on testosterone and that can cause a lot rage sometimes...Tell him there are people ( like me , you and everyone on this site) who care about him..Stay strong, be safe and keep being yr self GB

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VickySGV

Good place to start is at a nearby LGBT community center where they do have counseling staff that know their stuff.  Gender therapists start out as the garden variety Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychologist, MSW and ther rest, so they can hit a wide swath of life for him.  Also, the centers have support groups with people who have gone through the same weed patch or jungle that he is in will have one on one advice and experience to share.  A group to check with is PFLAG https://pflag.org/find-a-chapter  which will have support for both of you.  Trans is not in their name, but they are great with Trans people and SO'sl  Planned Parenthood also has chapters and sites that deal with Trans health.

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Somebunny

 

17 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Good place to start is at a nearby LGBT community center where they do have counseling staff that know their stuff.  Gender therapists start out as the garden variety Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychologist, MSW and ther rest, so they can hit a wide swath of life for him.  Also, the centers have support groups with people who have gone through the same weed patch or jungle that he is in will have one on one advice and experience to share.  A group to check with is PFLAG https://pflag.org/find-a-chapter  which will have support for both of you.  Trans is not in their name, but they are great with Trans people and SO'sl  Planned Parenthood also has chapters and sites that deal with Trans health.

Do they offer online counseling, because that sounds like a good option ❤️?

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Somebunny
9 hours ago, Alex C said:

Hey ReyinDuim is right. I don't know where yr at but there always a voice out there who is willing to( therapist, school consular, chat rooms etx)   lessen objectively. As for his situation, I can honestly say EVERONE whose transition has gone through that. I been on hrt going on 7months and fu= if I still don't get called sir or dude even when I am made up and wearing a wig. But I just ignore it or correct then and move on..It's hard as  hell and for a sec or min I feel like kick ass but that was the old me...Also  he is properly on testosterone and that can cause a lot rage sometimes...Tell him there are people ( like me , you and everyone on this site) who care about him..Stay strong, be safe and keep being yr self GB

Thank you ❤️ I’m sorry people do that to you too and I wish he had more of a trans friend community so he could feel like “ oh, people are just dumb— so it’s not me at all”  because it happens to all trans people. 

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VickySGV
6 hours ago, Somebunny said:

Do they offer online counseling, because that sounds like a good option

 

They might, but that would defeat the benefit needed here, but call and ask.   In person support groups are 500 times better for helping with socialization issues than on line. 

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Alex C
12 hours ago, Somebunny said:

❤️ I’m sorry people do that to you too and I wish he had more of a trans friend community so he could feel like “ oh, people are just dumb— so it’s not me at all”  because it happens to all trans people. 

we all go through but he has you and that's a big plus..

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Somebunny
19 hours ago, VickySGV said:

 

They might, but that would defeat the benefit needed here, but call and ask.   In person support groups are 500 times better for helping with socialization issues than on line. 

You right, he definitely needs that community of people who understand him well

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Somebunny
13 hours ago, Alex C said:

we all go through but he has you and that's a big plus..

❤️❤️ 

 

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