Self-Doubt Keeps Holding Me Back

[tapeleg42]

So  I've already come out as transgender to my brother and his girlfriend, and they were both super accepting and supportive.  I want to come out to my two best friends this weekend.  I know they will accept no matter what, and I think I'm ready...

 

But ever since I came out to myself in March, I keep getting plagued with self-doubt.  No matter how many steps forward I take, there are always voices in my head that keep plauging me, saying things like, "This is just another passing fad for you."  Or, "You're can't be trans, you never felt this way as a kid."  Or, "You're not trans, your just really -excited-."  Or the worst one, "You can't be trans, you're just projecting your loneliness and desire for a girlfriend onto a made up image of yourself since your the only person you've ever spent alone time with."

 

And I've talked to other trans and non-binary people who have said that a cis person wouldn't be asking these questions, and I've dug through my memories and found instances throughout my life, including childhood, where the idea of changing genders resonated with me.  I've read accounts that say dysphoria is experienced differently for everyone and just thinking that I might be trans is enough to be trans.  But I can't shake this fear that I'm just making everything up, which is making me hesitant to tell my friends.  Is there any way to shake these doubts?  Or is this something I'm just going to have to learn to live with?

[JustineM]

I can’t offer much advice as I am feeling the same way. A lot of doubt and “am I really, or not” All I can really say is if you feel valid then you are right. I would think a gender therapist might be able to help you.  Best wishes to you

Justine

[Jani]

1 hour ago, tapeleg42 said:

there are always voices in my head that keep plauging me, saying things like, "This is just another passing fad for you."  Or, "You're can't be trans, you never felt this way as a kid."  Or, "You're not trans, your just really -excited-.

Yes yes this is a somewhat common refrain.  But don't give in to it.  If you are not transgender (in some manner) why do you question your gender?  Remember too that transition isn't all about doing what others say or feel is needed.  Its what YOU feel is needed.  Take your time and don't rush.  I understand you're anxious but it is a long journey and you WILL get there.  But first you need to decide where that is.  Read posts here (old and new) to see that you're not alone in your feelings, and don't be bashful about asking questions.  The only bad question is the one not asked! 

Hugs, Jani

[Charlize]

I certainly have had doubts.  I think that is totally natural.  Those doubts didn't end when i came out or even after i went full time.  I have spent my life in a society where i've been recognized as male since birth.  Though out my life there have been times when i've confronted those doubts.  Being here, reading about the journeys others were living and seeing a gender therapist helped me find my own path.  

Therapy is very helpful so perhaps rather than telling your friends you might be able to ask your parents if you could see a therapist to help you.

Meanwhile please know your not alone and always have folks here who hear you and understand.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Terry]

15 hours ago, tapeleg42 said:

ever since I came out to myself in March

 

I think this is key I think. It's only a few months. The best advice I can give you is to take it slow and think of all of this in terms of years, not months. Self-doubts are not all bad, they also help you to really get to understand yourself.

[tapeleg42]

6 hours ago, Charlize said:

I certainly have had doubts.  I think that is totally natural.  Those doubts didn't end when i came out or even after i went full time.  I have spent my life in a society where i've been recognized as male since birth.  Though out my life there have been times when i've confronted those doubts.  Being here, reading about the journeys others were living and seeing a gender therapist helped me find my own path.  

Therapy is very helpful so perhaps rather than telling your friends you might be able to ask your parents if you could see a therapist to help you.

 

I am nowhere near ready to tell my parents about *anything* having to do with this.  So I can't go see a gender therapist until I move out, because I'd have to keep making up excuses as to where I go each time.  And I can't move out because apparently there's no apartment in this city that I can afford.

 

4 hours ago, Terry said:

 

It's only a few months. The best advice I can give you is to take it slow and think of all of this in terms of years, not months.

 

It took me 30 years to finally stop running from my feelings, I'm afraid if I take it any slower it'll be another 30 before I tell my friends.

[Lexi C]

hey Tapeleg 42..I been out 7month on hrt and about 4yrs as cd..Yeah those doubts don't go away anytime soon. Esp the relationship one.." Like now that I have transition who or how do  I date where do I find someone willing to accept me...blah blah"....My advice follow everyone else advice before me. Find GT if you live in L.A ( which is where I live) try L.A. Gender Center. or LGBT center, they will provide sliding scale or free GT....Your last statement really resonated with...Great I told my friends and fam but what if I am wrong and this a phase because I am the only one who will hang out with me and I never been a girl/ boy real relationship so I have no idea how one feels ...good luck

[Amanda Thomas]

This is a particularly poignant issue for me, as I have been running from myself and repressing my true feelings for decades. I tried and tried to fit in, to change myself and force myself to be "a real man" my whole life and now I feel a great deal of regret. My doubts about transitioning haunted me for many, many years. Of course, fear of the possible repercussions such as abuse, unemployment, living a loveless life, being a "freak" made me unable to fully confront the girl I really was, and so I struggled and struggled to maintain a fiction. Now, through a series of difficult but nevertheless enlightening experiences, I am ready to transition at a relatively late age, wishing I had done it sooner, not certain exactly how I CAN do it at this point, uncertain of the outcome and where this train is going. But I am ready. It feels like I am unable to hold back the tide anymore. Of course, I am frightened. I am not exactly in the most supportive environment, but I am hopeful. I feel in my heart that this is really the right thing to do, what I MUST do to be truly happy and fulfilled. So perhaps you should ask yourself if you can truly be happy as a man, feel truly fulfilled as a man. Search your heart and I think you will find the answer.

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