Amber Coming Out

[NB Adult]

Jackie, I have loads of Rhonda Shear racer back leisure bras, mostly flesh tone or black and purposefully tight. They are not pretty just meet my needs to minimize the girls from jiggling or looking pointy as much as possible. Being male born NB leaves me with a need to minimize the boobs, if I had followed through with transition I would jettison these ugly things and get some really pretty bras, with lots of lift. Had one and gave it to goodwill *sigh* made me look like I had a real head turning set of rockets on my chest, didn't bode well for me now.

[AmberM]

So, I have done some reflection on my experience of going out for the first time. I think at the end of it, I enjoyed the event I went to and the reaction others had to me within that group. It was a very supportive community, and made me feel like it is something that I could manage. We went to the final night of the event, which was the final round of the competition. I couldn’t go presenting as Amber though because my wife made commitments which prevented us from having time to get ready as Amber, which really ended up bother me a lot more than I thought at first. It saddened me, because I enjoyed the event as Amber, and feeling the general support of others. It actually in the end felt natural and like it was something that I have been missing. I found that I didn’t enjoy last night as much as I did the night before.

 

So now I am trying to figure out, how do I implant myself into a supportive group like I did during the event and let myself blossom and be myself. I am not sure that I like the idea of going to clubs, but I am okay with bars, but would still prefer other options. I have had a hard time finding events in which I can present in a safe setting to be fewer than I would have expected which has kind of spiked some depression.

 

This is just me venting and expressing my thoughts and feelings. I can say that this weekend has taught me that I am more of a person that I like while dressed and with experience and time, I am sure I will come to gain the confidence to do it more consistently when out.

[NB Adult]

I'm sure the other ladies will have some good suggestions for you Amber, probably the first important step will be for you to perfect applying your makeup on your own so as not to be always dependent on your spouse for help. 

 

I don't know what sorts of reasonably safe venues are available to you in Columbus. Back when I was still transitioning MtF I used to enjoy going out to a gay bar in Seattle, "Neighbors," it had a great sound system, big dance floor, a big bar, plenty of seating, security  personnel and an enthusiastic mixed GLBT crowd, there were trans-friendly places to eat close by. You'll have to do a little digging to find out what's going on in your area, best source would be your local TG support group meetings.

[AmberM]

@NB Adult We have only done makeup twice now together, and I think I got the basics of the foundation at least. I think the next step is going to be working more with my wife on doing it where she is more teaching me versus just doing it for me, which is what I wanted to do. I think I am going to start coming home in the evenings and possibly trying to do makeup on my own or at least on the weekend, when I am not going out anywhere anyways.

 

I have looked for local support groups to no avail . I am actually a part of a mental health support group, and I have had thoughts of coming out and basically having my own LGBTQ+ event once or twice a month to build my own support group since the only other doesn't seem to be active in Columbus right now.

[NB Adult]

Good thinking on both counts, I think your determination is the key to success. I actually went to one of the makeup kiosks at Macys, one of the women made me up and sold me more stuff that I later decided I'd never use. She really troweled a lot on me, I should have gone to Head Shots and had a photo done, I was never able to replicate what she had done. I did learn that sometimes less is better when it comes to makeup. 

[Jackie C.]

First off, try Bobbi Brown's makeup manual. It looks bigger than it actually is. There are a lot of big, full color pictures. We're starting at a disadvantage here. We should have learned this a bajillion years ago in High School like all the other girls. I can't completely vouch for the contents, I'm still working on it and I have special snowflake problem skin, but it was recommended to me by someone I trust. Here's a link: Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual (Ha! That worked! I may be as clever as I think.)

 

Secondly, what do you like to do? I've done the support group thing, it wasn't for me. It might work for you but I'm too awkward to make a good connection in a group that large. I ended up doing the kind of things I'd do anyway, I just did it with full gear. Full gear is less now. I used to go with falsies and pads for my backside and hips. I still HAVE those things, but I only get them out for special occasions. I still use the padded bra, but it's hard to find them in 46A. The manufacturers all assume that if my chest is that big, I MUST be at least a B-Cup. OK, getting off topic.*

The point I was TRYING to make is that I just went for it. I headed to the kind of place where I usually interact socially with like-minded people and just mingled. For me, that's a gaming club I found through Meetup. I went, I introduced myself as Robyn and we got down to business. The first time was a little harrowing, but I basically acted like I belonged there and everybody accepted it. Nobody cared. To them I'm just Robyn. Now I have a dozen new friends that never knew me before and they're awesome.

 

I don't remember if you've come out to your friends. That was pretty easy for me. I made a sweaty-palmed announcement (I was SO nervous) and they just nodded and said something like, "Well, duh." I have awesome friends. There's nothing at all wrong with going out as Amber with your usual crew and doing whatever you do together. You might feel more comfortable with a group you already know. Something that relaxes you a little and is low pressure like a movie to start. It'll be dark. People will have paid actual money to pay attention to something that's not you. You get something big and loud to keep your mind from going down the rabbit hole. It's wins all around.

 

So yeah. Do what makes you happy. Do it as Amber. Take backup if you need it. Use your friends for training wheels. You aren't REALLY becoming a new person. Amber is you and she always has been. You're just letting her take the wheel once in a while.

 

Hugs!

 

*Oh wait, there WAS a point there. As your transition progresses, you'll feel more casual and will probably go out with less prosthetic help than you are now. For now though, those falsies are like Dumbo's magic feather. If you want them for a confidence boost, go for it.

[NB Adult]

47 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I still use the padded bra, but it's hard to find them in 46A. The manufacturers all assume that if my chest is that big, I MUST be at least a B-Cup. OK, getting off topic.*

 

The point I was TRYING to make is that I just went for it. I headed to the kind of place where I usually interact socially with like-minded people and just mingled. For me, that's a gaming club I found through Meetup. I went, I introduced myself as Robyn and we got down to business. The first time was a little harrowing, but I basically acted like I belonged there and everybody accepted it. Nobody cared. To them I'm just Robyn. Now I have a dozen new friends that never knew me before and they're awesome.

 

You might feel more comfortable with a group you already know. Something that relaxes you a little and is low pressure like a movie to start. It'll be dark. People will have paid actual money to pay attention to something that's not you. You get something big and loud to keep your mind from going down the rabbit hole. It's wins all around.

 

 

 

What a great post, my heart goes out to Amber and what you said perfectly addresses her needs.

 

The bra manufacturers and their assumptions is a big source of irritation to many. My chest size for a person 5' 7" tall is enormous and would be more fitting on someone 6' 5". It was 42" and has dropped to 40" following a 50 lb weight loss. But there's nothing one can do to offset genetic preconditions. One's only recourse if they want a nice fit is to find a custom bra maker and that won't come cheap.

 

Hitting the movies with the crew is a great plan for starters, maybe a cocktail or coffee and desert afterwards. 

[AmberM]

So, this week was a big week in therapy. I first off went out as Amber for the first time seeing my therapist. As one would expect, it went well, and we talked about how I don’t feel as muted emotionally when I am Amber. I can’t explain why, I am not sure if it is where I have suppressed a side of me, if it is social conditioning, I just know that I do feel slightly freer emotionally when I am Amber. We also talked about the plan this weekend with coming out to my mom. This is something that has me on pins and needles, because I have no idea how it will go. I have prepped for it as much as I can, I have written a letter to her, and I plan on sitting with her, have her read it, then we can talk about it after. I don’t know how it will go, but there is also the added layer of her husband will be there (my parents are divorced). I have met the guy only a handful of times, and he doesn’t seem overly open minded, but he also doesn’t seem to involve himself much in the lives of my brothers and I. So, it is kind of one of those things where I feel like it is an added variable that I also don’t have control over, therefore makes something that I am worried about all the more volatile.

 

I think I need to build up my walls in some ways for knowing that eventually there will be a negative reaction in coming out. If it isn’t now, it will be something that will happen. My therapist and I have talked about it, and I am not sure how I am going to handle it yet, because, well it hasn’t happened. If this one goes poorly, there is some concern from my therapist and my wife, since it is the first close family that I am coming out to. I know that I have some behaviors that have happened in the past that are not healthy, and managing thoughts and emotions are a concern for me.

 

I guess I just wanted to kind of vent/get how I feel out there outside of my therapist and I. I am hoping that Saturday goes well in the end, just really nervous for it.

[Jackie C.]

First off... congratulations! The emotional freedom is a combination of things I think. For me I'd been told "Only girls do that," "Boys don't like that," "That's not how a boy is supposed to do it." Over the years you learn to do things, "the right way." Part of that in western society is boys don't get to have emotions. Well, not beyond angry or lustful. So what I'm trying to say is because you were socialized male, you have a giant ball of repressed feelings and responses. As Amber, you probably let some of them go. Honestly, after I went full time most of my boy behavior fell off pretty quick. Learning not to go down at the end of sentences was hard, but the other stuff? Easy.

 

Bad news. I came out to my mother first. I did it in person. We had a day together and at the end I came out. There was no yelling and screaming, but she closed off her body language and refused to hear anything I had to say. A few months later, she decided that my appearance disturbed her (her words) and she banished me from her life. You need to be ready for rejection. The good news is that it's not the end of the world. Your found family is more important in the long run than the one you were born into. I got over it. No matter what your mother says, you will too.

Now I don't know your mother. There's a good chance she's not as terrible as mine. A very good chance really. She could remember that as a parent, the only real rule is "Love your children." It might take her a little time. Sometimes there's a grieving process and you need to be ready to give her time to think and space to do it in if she needs it. It'll hurt. It's not the end of the world though. You'll get through it no matter what.

Then again, she could just process it for a few minutes and give her daughter a hug. That's what I'm wishing for you anyway. Good luck and may everything come out as your fondest wish.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

@QuestioningAmber I hope it goes well tomorrow.  As to your mother's husband being there?  If he jumps into the conversation in a negative manner, I (personally) would immediately shut him down as he is not related or important in your life.  Now this may cause your mother some concern but if she is truly aligned with you it shouldn't matter.  

 

@Jackie C. I am sorry to read that your mother banished you from her life.  They say blood is thicker than water, but maybe not thicker than the clothes we wear!  She may not see you as you are and it is her loss.  

 

The only way to get beyond this is by focusing your life, and the people that love and support you.  I don't spend time on negative people.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[AmberM]

Well, my mom is sick, so there wasn’t a discussion with her since she didn’t want to share her illness. I did however end up coming out during a mental health support group meeting. I think overall it went well, there was a comment someone made, but I expected him to not be overly supportive. It did take quite a few people by surprise, which I consider to be fair as I can hide it well.

 

I agree Jani, that the only thing I can do is try to focus on how I feel. My therapist and I talked about others a lot and she put very “eloquently”. It is none of my darn business what others think or feel about me transitioning. It is taking me some time to get used to that idea, because it feels like I deserve the acceptance of others as I have done for them. I guess that is the tricky road that we go down at times.

[Jani]

@QuestioningAmber I agree that we do feel some reciprocity is due from others but again it is not for us to ask, but for them to give.  Some people just don't get it.  Keep your head up! 

Jani 

[AmberM]

-- Trigger warning: Mental Health Concerns/Suicidal Ideation --

 

I just wanted to check in and just kind of state where I have been. After coming out to the peer support group (mental health related), I have started going to a couple of events as Amber. It was stressful at first, but it is starting to become more natural.

 

Unfortunately, though, here over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed my depression getting increasingly worst. There has been a lot of financial stress and work stress increases. This time last year, I actually hit my breaking point and actually took time off of work to go into a Partial Hospitalization Program. I have been working with my therapist and we both agree it is probably just too much all at once, and it might be time to slow down some of the coming out. Since last year, I have had on and off suicidal ideation, and it has come back with increasing ferocity. I am not concerned for my safety at this point, because I do not live alone, and I have friends who are starting to check in more often now that I have had the conversation about what is going on.

 

It is just frustrating because a I have been so much happier being Amber, just right now it doesn’t feel like anything is helping me get out of my head. I hate having to balance all the stresses going on in life, I do want to proceed with coming out and moving down that path, just right now it doesn’t seem like a good idea to push too much.

 

Just me sharing where I am at.

[Jackie C.]

Your therapist probably has the right idea if you're stressed about coming out. I get that you want to go full steam ahead into becoming Amber full time but there's no real hurry. I know people who have been on hormones for over a year before they came out to family. It's OK. Do what feels safe. A little danger is good, too much danger is why you hardly ever see a bear in the suburbs... Do you have bears down there? I mean it's only a 3 and a half hour car ride. Then again, I have to drive north a ways before bears are a thing I need to watch out for. Not important.

 

Keep being Amber where you're comfortable. There's no need to cut back on your girl time. Just wait until your professional life is a little more stable before you scale it up any more. Coming out is stressful. Do it on your own terms and in a way you can handle it.

 

I'd work on the depression too. I've been there. It's terrible and it makes everything harder. More physical activity can help. Maybe just a walk around the neighborhood to start? As Amber or not. Take a friend. It helped me anyway.

 

I'm glad things are going at least sorta well for you. I'm rooting for you anyway.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 8/4/2019 at 12:57 AM, Jani said:

Looking good Amber!  Your wife was sweet and did a nice job.  Now don't forget to smile more.  ?

 

Cheers, Jani

I agree 100%.  This is so sweet!

I am so jealous you are able to share this with your wife.

It is inspiring to me that this is how it could be for me too.

I think she did a fabulous job and you are very pretty.  

Remember.  Attitude and smiles make a women attractive too.

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you are going through that Amber.  At times we have to step back a bit.  There was a great deal of stress for me during transition as well.  Reaching out for help from the professional health community can provide the help we need.  

There is no timeline, no push other than what we do to ourselves.  Take a deep breath, relax for a bit and keep getting help.  The feelings you describe will hopefully fade.  There is no shame if you need more help.  We all need help at times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[AmberM]

Kind of wanting to just do a post since it has been a long time since I have done one. I have had to step away due to worsening depression. I have spent a decent amount of time not working through my gender “questions” because with the increase in depression, it brought on some acute suicidal thoughts which were made worse with my “predictions” on what my future would look like if I continued down this path. I have hit rock bottom at least once in the last couple of months, and even spent some time inpatient (funny story on that for some later time).

 

In trying to work through the depression to get myself more stable, my therapist actually asked a very tough question that I can’t answer yet. Depression has many sources, is it possible my gender questioning is part of it. To be more specific, is it possible that I can’t stabilize as well as I have in the past now because I may never be truly happy as my male self, thus meaning that though I am unstable I have to start working on the gender questions. I haven’t figured out how I feel or what my complete thoughts are on this matter, but it is an interesting question I thought.

 

I have to ask, how does one manage balancing the stability of mental health, with the need to grow and develop a sense of self that is more affirming to your true self? I am not sure what to do in my predicament, because if I push the envelope too fast, that can bring about increased instability, but at the same time, growth and comfort rarely co-exist.

 

I am scared to push forward because the next logical step of where I am at is to start talking to my family about who I am and how I feel about my gender identity. If they can’t accept me for who I am, I am scared that it is going to destabilize me even further. I don’t know if I can take another major blow right now, but I also don’t know how to not move forward because feeling the way that I do also is destabilizing the longer that I am here.

 

Sorry for the little rant, I just need to post it somewhere and maybe someone might have some advice for me. I have been looking for local support groups, but there is only one in town, and it meets during my work day, which is super unfortunate.

[Jackie C.]

Well, for me it was push forward or self-destruct. There weren't any other choices I could see. I opted to push forward. It was considerably less destructive than I'd anticipated, but your mileage may vary. I work from home so there weren't employer concerns and I'm not especially close to my remaining family (the good ones have passed). Of all the people I've come out to exactly one person has had a problem with it. That was my egg donor if you were curious. We haven't spoken since she sent me a "joke" e-mail about how Trump could become the first woman president. I should point out that yes, that was after I'd come out to her. We're done.

 

So in your shoes, my first step would have to be building a support network. If you are concerned that your existing network will drop you like a hot potato if you come out to them, you can build yourself a new one that accepts you for who you are. Secondly, I'd check to see what my employer's policies are for LGBTQ+ employees. Can they fire you for being trans? It's legal here in Michigan (you can also be evicted for it. Yay rights). Once you've identified all the possible pitfalls (or at least as many as you can identify. Life always has curveballs.) you can make plans for how you're going to navigate them.

 

Until then, your life is still your own. Spend some time dressed as your preferred gender. Go out and do something. Work on your voice. There are plenty of things you can do that are moving forward that don't have to be public. In the meantime, we're always here if you need to vent.

 

Hugs!

[AmberM]

Fighting the fear of being “that guy in a dress” seems to have become a leading MO for me here lately. I know that it comes from a place where I am not confident enough in myself to say, that I am a woman, I am trans, and that is ok. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to get over that hurdle. Even typing the words that “I am trans” took me a second and I actually kind of shifted away from wanting to say it. It feels like it is a black mark against me as a person. I don’t know who is going to be that first person who cares enough to hold an opinion and tell me that I am wrong, that I am a pervert, or whatever other angry, belittling thing that could be used against me.

 

I reflect on the stories shared here on the site about the negative interactions that have been had, and I think that is precisely the power that I have given to others that I am not quite sure how to take back. I think that it is a lack of self-respect and self-esteem that I am my own individual and that it is ok that I am different. I feel better when I dress, and it is still almost exclusively in private since I went out Halloween. I have gone to things where it is more acceptable, I went to a burlesque competition which had transgender performers, I went out to see a live performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show, then I went to a fetish Halloween party. Of course, I haven’t run into a negative situation, because I continue to be safe about it.

 

Now the scary step, how do I go for a walk around my apartment complex without the fear of being judged? Once I open up that box, that is it. What if I run into someone from work and they do recognize me? My secret could be out then. I wonder if it is something that would help my depression, getting out, but also getting out as Amber more.

 

Just some musings and contemplation I have been having since therapy last week.

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

Now the scary step, how do I go for a walk around my apartment complex without the fear of being judged? Once I open up that box, that is it. What if I run into someone from work and they do recognize me? My secret could be out then. I wonder if it is something that would help my depression, getting out, but also getting out as Amber more.

 

As far as just going out as whichever, that is a good thing.  Take some walks where you may be simply androgynous and watch and see who you meet to judge your chances of meeting someone and if you do, my bet is that you will go past each other without even looking.  See what people wear as they are taking evening walks and mentally note how many of them you recognize or talk to on a regular basis.  I am betting that will not happen often.   Next go out without make-up wearing sweat pants and a hoodie and maybe you wig under it as the next step.  Your colder spring air is actually a good disguise for taking walks.  You take these and find that no one notices you and you do not see groups stopped and talking and the path opens up for full Amber mode.  Do not wear your heels and a cocktail dress for this however, no no no one of the others will be in that type of dress.  The trick with possible co-workers is that if you are not out at work, they will see someone that looks a little, well maybe-- sort of, kind of like you and they may wonder for a minute, but will be afraid themselves to identify you in case they have made a big error that embarrasses them and makes them look bad. 

[Jackie C.]

10 hours ago, VickySGV said:

I am betting that will not happen often.

 

That's actually a really good point. A couple months ago, I walked up to a casual friend who had seen me five days a week for about a year at that point. The only difference being that I had made myself up a little more than I usually do. I asked about another casual friend. She didn't recognize me until I opened my mouth and she placed my voice.

People pay less attention than you think.

 

Hugs!

[Patti Anne]

Hi again Amber. I really don't think that you see yourself as others see you. You're very pretty. I think you care too much about what others think. People on the street? They're probably so busy with the circus going on between their own ears that they don't even pay attention to those around them. And anyway, who cares what they think? I've found that if you carry yourself with confidence, then that sort of makes people back off. 

 

Family? That's a rough one because they have the potential to do a lot of damage to your heart. I'm thinking that eventually people will figure out whats going on with me. One of my kids will go into my bedroom or closet and see more women's clothing than men's. I only have a few articles of men's clothing that I wear when I have to. Just enough to carry on the deception. I can't wear T-shirts anymore because I'm probably a B cup. Those girls really came on fast. But if people see me in a T-shirt, especially in the warmer months, the gigs probably up. My 13 year old daughter asked me last week where my facial hair went. My family, (siblings), would not be accepting  My brothers wouId disown me. I don't really know how my sisters would react, but safe to say, they'd all be shocked. 

 

But coming out to your parents (and siblings)? Their reaction is a big one. It can make or break you emotionally. Either way, that too will pass. You have to be true to yourself. Ignoring this would be an unhealthy option, because it's not going away. It's part of who you are. It's part of who I am. Talk to your therapist about coming out and how to do it. Personally, I think a letter would be best, because if you get your thoughts across in a loving way, they can absorb it, re-read it and process it. It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. 

 

Good luck!     

[AmberM]

So I have been on another hiatus while I wrestle with the depression gorilla. It actually reached a point where I needed to go to an extreme and and have been doing ECT over the last few weeks. It has made a huge difference with the depression, and in some ways it has given me more space to kind of let the gender dysphoria have its space. With COVID, the local Equitas Health actually started doing virtual support meetings, which has been useful because I can finally attend them without the level of fear and anxiety that going in person right off was causing me. In addition, the group is ran by an actual gender therapist with Equita Health Services, so I might have even found a dedicated gender therapist that I am willing to start with.

 

It is amazing how much life can change in a small amount of time, the chaos caused by COVID seemed to at first put a lot of other things into the firing line first, but really it might have helped me get started on making those big decisions being able to socially and medically transition. 

[Patti Anne]

On 3/9/2020 at 5:24 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

Now the scary step, how do I go for a walk around my apartment complex without the fear of being judged? Once I open up that box, that is it. What if I run into someone from work and they do recognize me? My secret could be out then. I wonder if it is something that would help my depression, getting out, but also getting out as Amber more.

 

Hi Amber. In the above paragraph, you mentioned the very same fears that I have been dealing with for years. I knew I was trans for years. I didn't know exactly how to describe it, but I knew that I was perhaps different than my classmates and friends. I just LOVED dressing as Patti. I felt comfortable, happy and content when I was. When I have to go back and dress as her male counterpart, depression sets in. It's almost disabling. My children are all grown up and moved out. I'm thrice divorced, so I live alone with Sylvester and Orlando, my cats(they're both very non-judgemental).

 

I was also afraid of transitioning, but figured it was now or never. I started HRT on 1/1/20. The best decision I ever made, as I knew that as the physical changes occurred , I'd be forced to come out or else I would probably lie to myself and everyone else for the rest of my life. It took 3 divorces, a Ch 13 Bankruptcy (from one of the divorces), financial ruin and possible loss of my livelihood, among other things, to motivate me into action.

 

Since I've begun transition, I've had nothing but positive things happen. I've met an awesome transwoman and we've started a relationship unlike anything I've ever experienced. She's moving out to join me in Oregon in a few months. 

 

As for your situation, if you have the fears you described, they're totally normal. And if you look in the mirror, honestly, I can't imaging you being mistaken for or labeled a "guy in a dress". Your face is naturally feminine and very pretty. My biggest fears are basically the same. If you have any other questions about my experience, just ask. 

 

Overall, I'd say 'pick up the ball and run with it'.

 

Best, 

 

Patti Anne

[AmberM]

I know it’s been a while since my last check in, it has just been crazy. I completed the ECT, and have returned to work. I still work remote, which has been nice in ways because I get to dress as Amber as much or as little as I want. The only downside being that I have been missing the support group meetings that I have been going to. I think though I have come to a place, with help from my therapist, where I am becoming less concerned about labels and the attachment of value to them. I still fear the idea of socially transitioning in the family and work space for sure. Those two things have a ton of fear in it for me. However, like yesterday, we went to the Zoo, and there was an incident where a woman said something to her friend about what I was wearing, my wife and I just exiting the situation and got away from being around her. I don’t know if I am comfortable with being fully out around my apartment yet on the outside, but I think I am getting closer to it. I have come to wear capris instead of guy shorts for the time being, and not many people seem to say anything outside of the one singular incident. I was also able to go to a stylist for my hair, because it was becoming unruly and was able to come out at least as gender non-conforming and she acted like it was nothing and helped me out with a cut that was more gender neutral, but it feels much better. It was kind of nerve wracking preparing for the haircut, but I am happy that I did it.