Topic for 8/19 TGAA

[Charlize]

Each week at the topic, discussion at TGAA on Zoom one of us has a topic for thought and discussion.

We also post it on the group's list serve for those who can't join in to share on if they wish.

This week it's my turn and i thought i'd share a bit of the topic here as it seems to involve my journey to self acceptance as a trans person.

 

A LOOK BACKWARD

First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; . . .

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 77

As a traveler on a fresh and exciting A.A. journey of recovery, I experienced a newfound peace of mind and the horizon appeared clear and bright, rather than obscure and dim. Reviewing my life to discover where I had been at fault seemed to be such an arduous and dangerous task. It was painful to pause and look backward. I was afraid I might stumble! Couldn't I put the past out of my mind and just live in my new golden present? I realized that those in the past whom I had harmed stood between me and my desire to continue my movement toward serenity. I had to ask for courage to face those persons from my life who still lived in my conscience, to recognize and deal with the guilt that their presence produced in me. I had to look at the damage I had done, and become willing to make amends. Only then could my journey of the spirit resume.

From the book Daily Reflections

    I don’t think at the time i did my first 8th step that i even realized the damage i’d done.  Nor did i understand what i had done to cause it.  At the time i hadn’t recognized the importance of honesty.  While it may be mentioned 3 times in the first paragraph of "How it Works” , i never saw how how dishonest i had been throughout my life.  For me much of that dishonesty was related to my gender issues.  Those, i thought, were my character defect. I had often felt that "wrong” and purging and denial seemed the proper course.  I practiced my own brand of ‘ conversion therapy”….denial and lies.  Hiding and living a “secret” life wasn’t a problem i could even begin to face.  It was there.  i knew the guilt and shame and fear i felt in being myself but i couldn’t share that with others except for a touch in my 5th step.  Much of the unease i felt was not due to my living  but instead was due to the hiding, and stealth existence i lived.  

    The big Book speaks of walking through an arch to freedom.  I didn’t find that freedom until honesty crept back into my life bit by bit.  It seems when looking back that each step of that journey was beyond my control.  

    Today i am living with honesty ( i think and hope).  That life is in its own way an amends to each of the people i had lied to in the past.

 

Hugs,

Charlize

 

[Charlize]

I'm just going to reply to my own post to move it.

 

Smiles and hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Charlize, while I don't often frequent this sub-forum I have read your thoughts and they are beautiful.  You are living honestly and I am proud to know you as a friend.  

 

Hugs, Jani