Why didn’t I know sooner?

[Violet]

Hi, I’m Violet! It so lovely to finally join-in here!! I appreciate this Forum immensely & I want to thank all of you! I’ve been reading & learning from all of your generous, practical, funny, consoling, & warm posts for several months. For my first post I want to ask any & all about what has been on my mind the most since I knew & accepted that I was a Transwoman. Why didn’t I know sooner?

            Details & Backstory: I’m 47. I knew & accepted on the same day: October 2018. I’d crossdressed once at 14. Although it would occur to me—once & a while—to try it again, I wouldn’t crossdress until 25 years later. I did 3-4 sessions, took a few pix, I enjoyed the experience but was nervous, also I felt stupid & I thought I looked terrible in the pix, & so stopped. I deleted the pix soon after. Early 2017 I was napping & my then-GF (now BFF) was at work. I awoke without a thought in my head or a memory of any dream. I switched on the bright light, went to her wardrobe, grabbed a dress, & put it on. I just stood there, blank, looking at the carpet, frozen. Finally, a thought entered my head. Something was trying to tell me something. So, I made the most fateful, most brave, & most out-of-character choice of my life.

            I chose to crossdress fully accepting that I had no idea why, no idea what it meant, & no idea where it was leading. After 10 months I knew I’d never stop. 3 months later I came out to my then-GF. She fully accepted me. However, almost immediately I re-visited good ol’ Wikipedia & began re-reading the pertinent definitions and concepts. I realized that what had actually been occurring within me the past few months of that time was that I’d been questioning my gender. [There’s a reddit that wonderfully refers to this as “when the egg formed”.] 3 months later, I came out to my then-GF, just 8 days after I’d accepted that I was a Transwoman. While my GF & I broke-up, it was entirely amicably, & we are now BFFs. I’m exceedingly lucky to have her in my life.

            Now, as I close-in on my 1^st birthday, I’m planning to start HRT in just 3 weeks, & have come out to my sister, & she’s 100% supportive as well. My unusual life has made me utterly grateful for this revelation of my True Self (or, perhaps better?) my Complete Self. I’ve no regrets for my wealth of ignorance…Just so happy it’s over. But I confess there is that one thing that lingers. It lingers in this person who’s most consistent trait was (barring humility, doubtless: ) a deep intelligence, especially regarding the avoidance of living the Unexamined Life. But why didn’t I know sooner?

            I’ve Googled “I didn’t know I was Transgender” & found others like me, but so far, all of them are, like the wise-beyond-his-years Sam Dylan Finch, Transmen. Further, the 2015 US Transgender Survey [pg. 46] says that only 8% know that they’re trans at or after age 26! I’d appreciate anything any of you have to say as it’s left me feeling like a tiny minority (of an already really tiny minority)! I have some ideas myself, but have no one to discuss this with. Thanks again to all of you here!! -Violet.

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Violet, welcome to TransPulse ? Thank you for your introduction.

 

Please don't hesitate to read around and join in as you feel. You will find the folk friendly here.

 

I am not sure about the figures that you quote but there are plenty of people who don't really know where they are at a much greater age. It is not really a case of facts and figures, really just people. Don't feel that you are in a minority. Everyone is in a minority for some things and majority for others. The main point about anyone though is that they are individuals, each with their own lives. All important. You won't be here long before realising that. We are all the same, but different.

 

I look forward to your posts.

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

Welcome Violet.  I think we all find a path at different times.  I crossdressed as a child but certainly didn't think much of it.  Perhaps that knowledge of "impossibility" is what held you back.  While i expressed myself more than you mention in your story i did my best to suppress any urges so i could live a "normal" life.

 

Relax and enjoy your time here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TommieAnne]

Hi Violet! Welcome.

Funny you should post this, as I've been beating myself up emotionally for quite awhile with the same questions: why did I not realize it sooner? Why didn't I admit it to myself (and the world) sooner?

At almost 69 years of age, I have no answers, still struggle to understand.

The best I can do is recognize that things often happen in their own good time for their own reasons.

When I was much younger and could have transitioned more easily as well as appeared like the woman I was meant to be, such a thing was almost unheard of and considered mental illness. There was no support at all.

I think it's good that you are starting your journey at the time you have, because now you know where your journey is headed. I wish you well on your path.

[Ellora]

Hi! And Welcome!! Hindsight is 20/20. When we look back to search for clues, I think we expect all the answers to come flooding in. For some that find the obvious clues it’s great, for others, that don’t find any, can be confusing.

A word that pops into my head, especially lately, is Nature vs Nurture. This topic can be discussed many different ways. In my case, being born a woman , but having man parts, is extremely confusing to someone that is only 4 and wondering WtH? Especially when my parents are calling me a boy, dressing me as a boy, buying me boy things, and on and boyboyboy. So at age 4, who what where was I supposed to believe? Confused as I was, I still knew I was not a boy, I was a girl, and learned I had to be quiet about this at an early age too, especially when my “friends” bullied me if I tried anything that might be considered to be “gay.” So despite me wanting to, and trying on my moms heels and lipstick, I had to be very secretive, and lock those thoughts away, for a looooong time. Occasionally I would read or try on things, mostly lipstick, when opportunities arise. Then throw in the fact that durning my days, we didn’t have the internet or other resources to look all this up. I had no idea the word Trans girl, or trans woman, or Trans anything existed. I only knew the words gay and lesbian existed, and that’s about it. Kids, and adults these days have the internet, organizations, and much more to see, read and touch. 

Perhaps your inner self knew, but couldn’t or wasn’t ready to wake up. Like me, I just didn’t know, I wasn’t educated that way because of my environment, but know I  definitely know, and understand, and I’m grateful I can finally be who I really am. Sounds like you woke up one day, and everything about you said, I don’t fully know, but I know I must do something, and you did! Maybe you would have done it earlier, but the timing was off, and your inner self knew to wait. Don’t be upset about not fully understanding what was happening a long time ago, feel happy you do know now. You are not alone. Btw, Congratulations on having supportive people that are close to you, and congratulations on starting HRT in 3 weeks! You will get such a rush when you start. Don’t be discouraged if you body and numbers aren’t as high and responsive as you feel after the beginning, we are different, and will have different reactions. This all takes time, it’s a Journey, your Journey, and Journeys take a long time. Enjoy the baby steps, enjoy that you are on your Journey and have fun! Best of luck!

[VickySGV]

A huge problem is that we do not have the language to describe our innermost feelings earlier in our lives, I knew I was not a typical male, and in fact knew I was a really different in a bad way male.  The terms that fit most closely were terrible in my younger days and I knew I was not a terrible person, so I had to try harder to be a more typical male.  The language has changed, and I know more people who share what I had felt but today know it is not as terrible as I had first put into my mind.  I am 71 years old and in looking back can see that I did have feelings going back 6 decades that pointed to being Trans Female which came up so negatively in my past that I put the thought aside.

[Jani]

Greetings Violet.  I'm glad you've joined us!  
 

Just now, VickySGV said:

A huge problem is that we do not have the language to describe our innermost feelings

This is the big issue that I see also.  This is not something we naturally consider.  I knew I wasn't typical but so what, who is I thought.  The point is you have figured it out (as best you can) and are moving forward to learn more.  Congratulations on starting HRT.

 

Cheers, Jani   

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Violet. I was 69 when I finally realized that I am not "a man in a dress", but a " woman in a man's body". I am now a 71 year old teenager going through puberty. As I look back, if I had known what I know now, I could have had such fun learning how to do makeup with my cousins and doing all kinds of girly things. But as has already been pointed out,  I would have been diagnosed as mentally ill.

Have fun when you start hrt! It can be a wild ride! But it certainly is worth it.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Violet]

Wow! So many sweet & thoughtful responses! Thanks for such a gracious & generous welcome!

            As I mentioned, several months ago I was Googling “I didn’t know I was Trans”. I felt I was seeing a pattern in those “not knowing until so late” that matched my own. I call it “Triage Theory.” For us, basically, the teens and early 20’s are really fraught with mental health issues; be it serious depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or bipolar. Due to this, one subconsciously engages in “triage”, i.e. effectively deciding to treat the far more immediate malady, depression perhaps, and allowing the exploring/development of gender to “sit in the waiting room”, so to speak. Thus, in my case, the depression just never left “emergency” status until 13-15 years ago. Then, I had to get on with an adult life. Get my Bachelor’s, move out from my folks, get into Grad School, fall-in-love, even (shudder!) work. After a few years of basic stability (& with the dalliance with crossdressing from 5 years before) I think my soul was crying out “This isn’t working because this isn’t who you are”. And then I found myself standing in a dress without a thought in my head. There’s a comedian who’s refrained punchline is “Here’s Your Sign!” In dress, Indeed!

            Thanks again to everyone. Btw, for anyone interested? The survey I cited is from The National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE). It’s called “The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey” & is a free pdf. Hugs!!  -Violet.

[VickySGV]

Just now, Violet said:

It’s called “The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey” & is a free pdf. Hugs!!  -Violet.

 

We actually have a link to that survey here in the Forums, I ought to know, I put it up here!!  LOL.

[Violet]

Oh Goodness! I didn't realize. Thx Vicky!!!

[gennee]

Hello Violet and welcome to the site.?