My mom and her religion

[luke_b]

I've been out to my mom for almost a year, and she's been pretty decent about it so far. I asked her to go to a gender therapist and she brought me to one, she let me go to a lgbtq youth group, she bought be a binder (after my therapist made her do it), and she didn't mention anything to my dad like i asked her to.

Then quit the therapist because she didn't 'talk me out of' being trans like she'd hoped, and refuses to budge on thinking of me as anything other than her daughter. She keeps having shouting matches with me about how "god made me perfect the way I am", she "loves me just the way I am", and she "doesn't agree" with me being her son. She keeps trying to push on me all of this god bullcrap that I don't believe in, as if that'll make me 'not trans' somehow, and make me her 'perfect little girl' that I used to be. That me doesn't exist anymore. That person hasn't existed for a long time, and she just refuses to see it.

She arranged my after school schedule so that it made it impossible for me to go the the lgbtq youth group, insisting that, going to a group with other trans people in it somehow had made me trans.

We went out to a conference in Virginia and I presented male and I wore had a big sticker that said he/him pronouns on it. Everyone called me by he/him perfectly fine until she comes by and practically shouts about me being 'her daughter' and her 'beautiful girl' to anyone I was talking to. It ruined everyone's view of me, and they adapted to my mom's 'girly girl' view of me. It just made me feel so uncomfortable and unsafe being around the hundreds of people that were there because they all looked at me as a girl, which is the opposite of what I want. I met another trans person while I was there, and he was really sympathetic the whole time. We'd be around my mom, and give me that look of apology, even his mom did too when we ate lunch together.

My mom and I have talked a lot recently about me being trans, but she just tries to push her stupid religious beliefs on me and invalidating me at every point possible. She refuses to even try using the right pronouns, or to even avoid using gendered language towards me at all. She's too stubborn in her beliefs to even try looking at the situation from my point of view, and its been pretty difficult to deal with.

I'm extremely grateful that she hasn't been hateful to me about who i am, i just don't know how to deal with her or how to make her see any different. Help?

[VickySGV]

Right now it may be next to impossible to change her or give her reasons (although there are many)  that her religious POV is wrong.  Your profile says it will only be a short time before you are able to be on your own.  I know it is hard and terrible to say but a child changing a parent is so difficult as to not be worth the effort.  You may actually made a difference by just not talking to her about it or trying to get her involved.  Enlist the help of your school counselor though to see if there is a way to at least keep you in contact with the other LGBT kids so you have an outlet, and go ahead and use this place as well for that.  Go ahead with your personal plans, and maybe bring in your family doctor as an adolescent who has improved privacy from parents even in your state.

 

I did just see this on a religion related site and thought it was pretty good, maybe more so for you than your mom just now, but it is a good example of how folks can change.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugl5hDuaVwQ&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR2--FMYGnOwTtv7qJ0Zs7ljqvtXxI7NbI5d-9zDxN3TyTxUarad3aM2KOQ

[reyindium]

I'm athesist and I usually counter arguments like hers with, "Yes, God made me just the way I am and I'm telling you I'm (trans) (queer) (etc). Who are you to question His infinite wisdom in making me?"

Sometimes I take it further and tell them that they are oversimplying His designs by trying to confine a God's creation to a human's construct. I usually add that I am also made in His image the same as them, and that as Christians their role is to love thy neighbor and there is only one Judge, and He is all that I'll answer to.

 

If they ever throw out the influence of Satan or sin line, I usually remind them that they must be touched by evil too, to be showing others so much hate or scorn. Then I double back to there is only One Judge, so on and so forth.

 

I grew up religiously so I'm relatively knowledgeable on the subject matter so sometimes throwing Bible verses and biblical morals in their faces surprises them. It can become a fantastic debate, if you're into that.

[AnnaD]

5 hours ago, reyindium said:

I'm athesist and I usually counter arguments like hers with, "Yes, God made me just the way I am and I'm telling you I'm (trans) (queer) (etc). Who are you to question His infinite wisdom in making me?"

Sometimes I take it further and tell them that they are oversimplying His designs by trying to confine a God's creation to a human's construct. I usually add that I am also made in His image the same as them, and that as Christians their role is to love thy neighbor and there is only one Judge, and He is all that I'll answer to.

 

If they ever throw out the influence of Satan or sin line, I usually remind them that they must be touched by evil too, to be showing others so much hate or scorn. Then I double back to there is only One Judge, so on and so forth.

 

I grew up religiously so I'm relatively knowledgeable on the subject matter so sometimes throwing Bible verses and biblical morals in their faces surprises them. It can become a fantastic debate, if you're into that.

this is great ^^^^^^

[mochi90]

My mom is the same way as yours is, Luke, except my mother is also violent and has been abusive in the past. The last time I came out to her, she made me feel so bad that I went back in the closet. Whenever she tries to use religious arguments against me, I just remind her that I don't worship her God and that hers isn't the only religion. I also remind her that my religion (Norse Paganism) predates Christianity and that my God is genderfluid, and I've found she doesn't usually have a response to that because it's hard to argue with history. 

[michelle_kitten]

I think every parent has hopes for their children, when they are born.  Many of those hopes revolve around their children not making mistakes they made themselves, and other hopes revolve around having their children be successful in many areas of life.  Most 'religious' parents have a fear of raising a child who rejects their religion, and most want to see their children more successful in their religion than they might be.  For better or worse, many churches give prestige to whom they think personifies their ideals, and the parents of such people are often honored as well.

 

On top of this, trans-gender issues are complicated.  Maybe they could be less complicated if society were more accepting and educated, but that's not a reality right now.  The reality is, most people don't know how to sort the transgender issues out in their own heads.  Cognitive dissonance is real, and can be painful.  When your mind is asked to believe two conflicting messages, it is very uncomfortable.  Some people might even resent a trans person simply for bringing that cognitive dissonance into their lives.

 

I am not justifying your mother's behavior here.  I am saying you may need to try to understand things from her point of view as much as you would like her to understand your point of view.  Your going to have to meet her in the middle on some issues.  Demonstrating you are the same person you've always been is part of that.  Understanding she's probably had a few dreams which will have to die if you transition.  Maybe she had dreams of shopping with you, or other classically girl things like baby showers or picking out wedding dresses, etc.

 

Arguing with your mother is not going to do any good, the same way arguing with you has done nothing to change your position.  Attacking her faith, which is part of her identity, is as painful to her as her attacking your gender is to you.  Don't attack her faith, not even if you are angry or frustrated, or feel you need to defend yourself against it.

 

Have you thought about sitting down and talking with her about her dreams and aspirations for you?  Have you asked her, aside from her faith, what about you being a girl is so important to her?  Give her an opportunity to open up as a mom who has maybe had some hopes and dreams dashed with this an unexpected course of events.  Listen to her feelings.  Just listen.  You don't have to be convinced.  You might tell her you need to think about all she told you for awhile.  Don't invalidate her feelings in any way, which will cause her to fight you harder.  You can't argue with her feelings, even if they are based on inaccurate perceptions.  Introduce your own dreams and aspirations slowly to her, and show her you have a valuable direction in life, even if it does not match what she wants. 

 

If you avoid batting heads, she will eventually accept you are trans.  It will take time for her to do so.  Maybe years.

 

I certainly understand where  you are coming from. I learned very young to hide my dysphoria to survive.  My parents were violently opposed to be being feminine in any way.  They were often verbally abusive of my girly qualities if not physically abusive.  You have a tough obstacle to overcome.  As Vicky said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Eventually, you will be old enough it won't matter what Mom says.  I hope you can come together with her long before then.

[Jani]

Excellent reply ?