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MaryMary

Just another dating rant :P

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MaryMary

I've created a profile on a dating site yesterday. I've forgotten just how not fun dating is. Even if a chat is going well when the person find out I'm trans they immediately go in a "teach me what transgender means" mode. It's surprising how not many people know it even exist, lol That's the funny realization I have a some point : "passing" means nothing except ot add to the confusion when they find out I'm trans. It's 0 a good thing in the end. The only use of "passing" is to not get harrassed in the streets and the more being trans is accepted the less it means anything at all.

 

In the end when I date I'm just a teacher that is making people learn, nothing else. I'm flooded be message, match and likes. It's like I have a line in front of me of a 1000 person.

Even if the guy wants a date in the end the conversation about genitals and what it is to be trans is so akward that I'm not sure if he's a perv or just someone who trully wants to learn...

 

I hate this, I trully hate this.

The next time I forget, just gently remind me of how it sucks.

 

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Susan R

Wow, @MaryMary this post makes me appreciate my wife even more.  I had never really thought much about what it would be like to be single and out there as a Trans person these days. You bring up some very interesting points.  It sounds much more awkward and more difficult to "trust your gut" while sifting thru the many "potential" companions than what a cis person doing the same thing.  It's been many years since I had a date and I'm sure glad I'm done with that phase of life.

 

Susan R🌷

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MaryMary

Yeah, it's harder trusting your guts and in fact I don't know what my guts tell me anymore. I think the surgeon must have taken them with the rest when I had the GCS, lollll I'm totally confused

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Brianne

I feel your pain. I tried trans dating sites for awhile. Thought it would be a great place to meet people that were attracted to trans women. But I was flooded by pervs and assaulted by rude pics, omg that got old quick. But hey, I learned how to weed out the creeps and eventually met a great guy. That was over two years ago. We now live together with plans to get married. We couldn't be happier.

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MaryMary

wow, lol. For me it doesn't even get to the actual date.

it goes like this :

1. questions about my genitals

2. demands to prove myself by calling or sending photos so they can see if I'm feminine enough

3. I'm really bored

4. I don't have the energy to even answer anymore.

5. Go to the next in the pile of 1000 likes, go back to step 1.

 

if I'm really motivated I can do 30 or 40 guys like that but at some point I get tired of answering if I have a that part of the female anatomy or not ...

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MaryMary

I went to dates in real life before but by that point I'm so over it that I'm there but I don't even really want to. I'm just there so I can say that I did not gave up too easily. I know it's bad but hey...

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Brianne

Exactly, it becomes too much like a job you hate doing. You end up just going through the motions and maybe not being the best company. Most dates I kept asking myself when it will be over, I just wanna go home. But in the end I think by keeping at it you'll find your companion.

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MaryMary
1 hour ago, Brianne said:

 Most dates I kept asking myself when it will be over, I just wanna go home.

god, I love reading this. What happened when it was the right one, how did you knew? If you don't mind. It'll be a good story to give me hope :D lol

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reyindium

I don't have experience with dating sites but you seem like a lovely woman MaryMary and I hope you find someone special. 

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Brianne

Ok, so after going through all the creepos and a few nice ones too that just weren't my type I was kinda loosing hope I would ever find anyone that I wasn't just settling for. Have you experienced that? Anyway, I took some time to figure out what "my type" is. What do you like in a guy? Once I figured that out, thats what I started looking for. And I knew I found the right guy for me because I found myself thinking of him constantly and wanting to talk to him for hours without ever ever getting bored. Being with him wasn't like that crappy job, instead I wanted more of him. I never felt that way before.

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Brianne

Hopefully you found this helpful MaryMary😃

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MaryMary
On 8/11/2019 at 12:34 AM, Brianne said:

Ok, so after going through all the creepos and a few nice ones too that just weren't my type I was kinda loosing hope I would ever find anyone that I wasn't just settling for. Have you experienced that? Anyway, I took some time to figure out what "my type" is. What do you like in a guy? Once I figured that out, thats what I started looking for. And I knew I found the right guy for me because I found myself thinking of him constantly and wanting to talk to him for hours without ever ever getting bored. Being with him wasn't like that crappy job, instead I wanted more of him. I never felt that way before.

 

lately I've not been lucky and never got to the actual dating part and wondering what is my type and all this stuff. I'm no longer able to go past the trans part. I'm particular because I've always consciously played a role in life and never got to explore my orientation. I don't even know what is my orientation really. I don't have a type of girl or guy and basically I'm always rationnal and totally emotionnaly disconnected from the situation. I'm always endlessly fascinated by someone talking about his type of guy or girl because I never felt that attttt alllllll. If you add that the what I describe in my original post you get a situation where basically dating is just boring. I've dated some guys in the past where I was able to go past the trans part and actually being treated like a normal human being. But I ended those story because I was bored out of my mind with the guy who had no taste, no passion it seemed like.

 

anyway. I've closed my account. The last two guys were one that demanded I proved I was feminine enough by subjecting me to tests and after that there was a guy who came from Montreal who was a chaser basically and was gazlighting me and saying I was ill and "not a normal trans woman" because I was not immediatelly giving him what he wanted. He spent 10 minutes arguing to me that every trans woman he meet was acting like a sex worker. After that desastrous conversation I was done!

 

The next time I might change my strategy and not say I'm trans just to avoid all that crap and just have a descent conversation.

 

I'm sorry for just how negative my stories are, lol

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Brianne

Were you on trans dating sites? I ask because those sited tend to eliminate most questions.And non trans sites tend to lead to alot of rejection which is heartbreaking. I tell guys right away, knowing questions will come. So I'm ready for it even though it gers old...hey at work now but I'll message u later k?

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Alex C

Hey Brianne what sites did you use. Like Mary I was just getting pervs and creepy photos, even though I was really specific in what I was long for. I finally gave up. I spend 2yrs dealing with those types because I needed the money. Now I feel like Mary. not sure if I am looking for a guy or girl..I hoping to meet someone like you did...if you have time I would love to get those sites..ty

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Brianne

So if I may ask, do you mean that you have been focused primarily on your trans issue that you never thought about your orientation? I dated girls for years but after transition, dating girls didnt seem to feel right anymore.Girls cease to like me and I began to notice guys and they were noticing me. Well either way, I think on dates it would be appropriate for you to mention that you're trans. Naturally the questions will come. It gets old but most people are just curious and want to know more. Google is a good friend but theres nothing like getting it first hand. Weather its a guy or girl you fancy, there is no right or wrong decision. Trans folk come in many different forms. And if u need time to figure it out thats ok. Theres no time limit sweetie.

Hope yo hear from ya!

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Kirsten

I often think about dating. Not too sure who I would date anymore. One of my least favorite parts of transition is the fact that girls don’t check me out anymore. Like at all for obvious reasons I guess, but it’s still sad for me. 

I kind of feel the same that it wouldn’t be right to date women anymore. But I don’t have a physical attraction for men. At the moment I am married so hopefully I won’t have to date, but that’s a whole other bag of tricks that hasn’t been figured out yet. Some days I’m sure dating is coming. Some days not so much. Either way I wouldn’t be looking forward to that. Cause I’m sure the people I’d be interested in won’t want me. 

Mary, hang in there dear. There are a lot of people out there. It may mean a lot of crap but I can tell you it’s no different for cis folk. Just a different set of uncomfortable questions. I did the online dating for years back in the day. And it was nuts. I once went out with a Canadian girl who HATED Americans and all she did the entire date was complain about Americans and our country. And then refused to pay her half of the dinner because “Americans like to blow money and that’s not her”. That was like 10 years ago and I will never forget that date. 

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MaryMary
10 hours ago, Brianne said:

So if I may ask, do you mean that you have been focused primarily on your trans issue that you never thought about your orientation?

No, not really. I think I'm asexual. I'm kind of blind to these things.  But I played a role for so long and I was so far from myself... In my case it might just be that I'm just not there yet. I was victim of abuse at school when I was young and I always wonder if this orientation thing is like that because of trauma. I don't know.

 

I dated girls for years but after transition, dating girls didnt seem to feel right anymore.Girls cease to like me and I began to notice guys and they were noticing me. Well either way, I think on dates it would be appropriate for you to mention that you're trans.

I always mention it from the very beginning but I was just saying that for the internet like... let me have some real conversation before telling it. ;)

 

Naturally the questions will come. It gets old but most people are just curious and want to know more. Google is a good friend but theres nothing like getting it first hand. Weather its a guy or girl you fancy, there is no right or wrong decision. Trans folk come in many different forms. And if u need time to figure it out thats ok. Theres no time limit sweetie.

Yeah, I've tried dating girls and boys alike. I'm totally ok with either of them. The only thing is that it's a little like religion, you can't fake it. If I force myself either way and lie it's really bad for the other person. That's why i'm just confused :P

Hope yo hear from ya!

thank you for your time, it's been great just talking about it.

 

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MaryMary
4 hours ago, Kirsten said:

 I once went out with a Canadian girl who HATED Americans and all she did the entire date was complain about Americans and our country.

 

It's not surprising. I'm going to tell you something about that. It's not easy these days in the US and there's a lot of xenophobia out there. But every country in the world have that. The more the USA is xenophobic about other culture and treating their immigrant badly the more other country becomes xenophobic towards the USA. It's just a cycle of bigotry and ignorance, you know? In Canada there's also a lot of xenophobia towards Quebecers because we are more environmentally focused (maybe like california in the US) and a lot of provinces lash out on us for refusing pipelines and stuff like that ;)

I trully think that the majority is more accepting and welcoming of difference.

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Brianne

I've enjoyed these conversations too. So if you'd ever like to chat sometime I'd really like that😄

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Alex C

Hey Girls I too enjoy it.Thanks for all the help...hope we can stay in touch with this topic

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Brianne

Me too MaryMary and Alex😎

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MaryMary

I'm quite stuborn so I'll be back at it soon I'm sure. It's will always be an open topic :D ahahaha

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Robin

Hi Mary,

 

This will not give you any consolation, but negative experiences with dating sites seem to be the norm.  Very few people that I know of have formed a happy, lasting relationship with someone that they met online.  This is true for any gender or orientation.

 

Many people on those sites say that they want a relationship, but they have got so many emotional issues that the chances of them being successful is extremely low.  Many of them are really looking for a carer, or someone to lavish money on them.

 

I gave up online dating a few years ago, after getting involved with a series of unsuitable people.  This was before I realised that I am trans, so at least I didn't have to endure those questions. 

 

Robin.

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MaryMary

Yeah, to be clear and on a positive note (from a trans perspective) I've been able to successfully date guys 2 years ago the last time I tried to date so it's not all bad. My success rate in dating as a cis guy actor (CGA for short) is 0% and my success in dating as a trans woman is far higher then that. It's just that the trans specific stuff you come accross can be frustrating (and from time to time I need venting, lol)

 

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Brianne

Yep, I think I get what your saying dating as male for me was always a disaster.But as a  transwoman too often on dates it becomes all about your trans nature rather than who you are as person. However  I too find that dating as a trans person is far more successful. I dont get so many questions and the other person(who already knows I'm trans) seems to know how to treat me. I think dating as a transwoman is far better IMHO

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