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Not sure what to do, just need some encouragement.

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1 hour ago, SamanthaC said:

you can take HRT and still present yourself as male. 


I've thought about that. Someone in this thread also mentioned taking low amounts of HRT. 


I'm not sure how that affects body changes over time or what that would mean for me. 


Tomorrow morning I'm going to talk with my therapist on this.

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5 hours ago, VickySGV said:

In my case, this was a story that lasted until I was 60 years old, almost word for word.  I kept busy and some of it was to smack off the dysphoria.  For me, some people who kept me codependent on them died and I was free from the work dealing with them that Dysphoria hit me like a run-away train. 


This was me as well.  I dove headlong into any work or home project just to keep my mind busy.  When things slowed I tanked, big time!  At 61 I got tired of the seesaw ride.  


As noted earlier you can alway try estrogen without the antigen and see how you feel.  It might just be enough to get you by.  There are lots of people who do this.  


Hugs, Jani 

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You're definitely in a dilemma, dear.  I feel so bad for you.  I was there, so to speak.  I found myself in the middle of raising children, in church, and feeling dysphoric.  I didn't understand what it was at the time, but I know the frustration and the crazy, desperate things you consider doing.  I know that feeling of feeling trapped with no good way to move forward, and hating you have to hide who you are.  I so feel for you.


One of the things I have done is come out as gender dysphoric first.  I did what I did deliberately for a couple of reasons.  One, I wanted my friends and relatives to see this wasn't a whim.  I wanted them to see me working through my decision-making processes.  I wanted them to understand I didn't just say, "Oh, I am gender dysphoric. I think I will transition," without considering carefully what that meant.  I also wanted others to feel free to be open and honest about things about which they are ashamed or embarrassed.


I made it clear there were boundaries.  I told my friends, I have dealt with this for decades now.  "I don't want you trying to fix this, because unless you have something extremely enlightened and profound to say, there is nothing you can say which going to suddenly  do what nearly 5 decades of fighting dysphoria hasn't done."  I told them they had to let me work through this.  I made it clear I wasn't going to go back to hiding my dysphoria.


This alone was huge.  My friends were prepared now to see changes in me.  They were informed, even if they didn't understand.  They were aware this wasn't some wild idea, which struck my fancy, but a life-long struggle.  At the same time, I finally felt free of the prison of hiding what I've been feeling for so long.  I resolved I am no longer afraid, ashamed, nor embarrassed by my dysphoria.


I don't know the details of your situation.  All I can do is speak about what has worked for me in hope it will stimulate some fresh ideas in you, which will help guide you away from the more desperate and sometimes permanent solutions to temporary problems.  For me, coming out without labeling myself or committing to a course of action, is super freeing.  I can face the world as a dysphoric person, and not feel like I have to hide something.  It has also given me a chance to educate some of my friends who might be prone to misunderstanding what gender dysphoria is, and what transition is.  It has allowed me to speak about the rather radical individuals who get media attention, but who don't represent all trans-people.  I've been able to dispel some of the stereotypes and show we are all different both in the degree of our dysphoria, the things which trigger it, and our needs to pursue various changes to overcome it.


There is no comfortable way forward, and no matter what there are risks to take.  Not everyone is going to accept  you or the fact you are dysphoric.  I wish it were different, and hope you're a fortunate exception to the rule.


I am a month away from D-day so to speak.  I've given folks nearly 6 months to get used to the idea I might do some changing.  September 20 marks 6 months since the gender dysphoria hit me again and is the date I promised myself and others there would be no commitment to any course of action before.  Yes, I am on hormones, but I am early on and I can just stop and things will pretty much go back to the way they were.  As of right now, I am the happiest I have been in years, and unless something drastic comes to light in the next month, I probably will decide to go on with transition.


Whatever you do, be thankful to the woman who supports you.  Not every woman would.

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So I spoke with my therapist this morning and she said that taking even low doses of HRT when I am not ready to transition physically will still make changes to my body, just at a slower pace. Her concern is that she would rather me be ready and sure that I want those permanent changes. She suggested working on socially transitioning for now and we also talked about laser hair removal as an option.


I think I'm ok with that plan for now. Eight months ago she was offering to write a letter to an endocrinologist and thats when I really started to have doubts I was ready for that. I think she is hoping I'll get to a comfort level with the idea of changing my body before going that route - which I respect that.


My wife was there and she was stressing to me that maybe its time I start with laser hair removal. So we may look into that, which would be helpful for dysphoria. I am also letting my hair grow and since its been long enough to put into a pony tail, that actually has been helping with some of the dysphoria.

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You are moving along, it is a journey, not a race!!

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