Am I really trans or....

[melissa_pre_tg_uk]

Hi all, 

 

Apologies if this post goes into too much detail, is too personal, offends anyone or touches upon things that are not allowed. 

 

Im having doubts if I am trans, or trans enough. Am I really trans or have I just created a personal crossdressing fetish that has got out of hand. I dont really know where to begin to explain it. I long to be female and have a female body, and be on hormones, but im not sure I want to get rid of my male genitalia. Im also worried that as I still masterbate, and as I used to (as a teen) masterbate when dressed up, Im concerned that its just a fetish. But it could be an association, a moment or eurphoria and/or a release of tension. When I dress as the normal me (as in hips, breasts, girls jeans or a nice skirt, nice top, simple plain underwear - I dont do stockings and suspenders or lengerie at all, makeup, low heeled boots etc etc) I dont get turned on, and just feel happy. But I am worried that if I go on hormones I will regret it and my male genitalia will be destroyed and its too late. BUT, I really want a female body. 

 

I am seeing a therapist, but I am interested to know, and you dont need to share personal details, if anyone else had serious doubts because of their own sexual behaviour around 'dressing up' and starting on hormones and/or the effect it would have on their sex life.

 

Mel 

[Jani]

Don't think in terms of trans enough.  Enough for who?  You of course  Its not an all or none proposition.  There are many points on the spectrum, and no rules as to where you ought to be.  You decide.  

 

I think a lot of people tend to fetishize early on but generally it will pass.  Just feeling happy is a good thing.  As to hormones, starting low and slow is the way to determine if this is for you.  You will know after a month or so whether you feel better or not.  If not, stop with no negative effect.  But as you write if you REALLY want a feminine body this is the way to go.   I've not regretted my surgery, ever.   I'm older and married so my social behavior may be different than someone in their 30's but it is possible to live a normal live at any age.  I think if you read others stories here you will see that.   

 

Jani

[AmberM]

I feel like when I first joined the site I had similar concerns and feelings. You determine if you are trans and what that means to you. You are able to write your story. Work with your therapist, read stories here, and take it slow at first.

[Violet]

Hi Melissa! Regarding your doubts about being trans or trans enough, I needed to share this. Part of my morning Daily Affirmations that I read aloud is a powerful & utterly succinct text written by a very wise Transwoman. I found this on another Transgender site or forum, but can’t recall which one. I call it my “23^rd Psalm”. She wrote:

“I have been asking myself questions like this for a few years. What helped me was asking myself ‘If nobody else cared, then would I choose to be female?’ Or, ‘Would being female make me happy?’ Stuff like that opened my eyes a little. I can’t remember what post it was but somebody here said ‘I wish I could be a girl. Too bad I’m not trans.’ I think a lot of anxiety comes from what others might think. After I came out to my family and found out they didn’t care, it made me realize it’s what I want, and I was feeling pressure to be a man when I didn’t want to. In the end, it’s up to you. What would make you happy?”

            I hope this helps. -Violet.

[Lexi C]

• Hey Melissa every one is right, but..i was totally you for 45yrs. I would dress up watch porn and  MB...Then i started CD here and there ..then i became a full thing CD, did some stupid, crazy stuff,  finally found a GT who help me, Now I am 7months on HRT, i notice my body change, still bald, still looking like a men, but i feel dif, more like a woman. As oppose ,to when i was CD..I felt like ho with a fetish...It's a  long process yr sex drive will properly drop to zero, you will have days of Dysphoria, panic attacks and yr breast will become super  sensitive. But you will wake up take yr meds  and get hrt because at the end you will free of doubt, shame and feel happy  yr finally living you. Stay strong, Be proud and kick ass 

[Dana Michelle]

I also worried for a long time if I was "really" transgender. I was worried that if I go on hormones the changes to my body could trigger negative emotions instead of getting rid of the negative emotions I already have. Although I could stop hormones, it could damage my fertility and I would have to keep paying a lot of money for sperm storage just to end up back where I started. I wished there was a medical test to see if I was transgender. I asked my therapist if he has seen anyone else with as much trouble making the decision as I have, and he said that, by the time his patients started seeing him, none of them had that much trouble. Maybe they had trouble before they started seeing him.

 

It wasn't until 10 years after I started therapy that I decided to start transitioning. I knew that I felt sad with a male body and had long wished I could have a female body. Since there was no medical test to see if I was "really" transgender, I decided to base my decision on the feelings I currently have, instead of about the feelings worried I could have. I've been on hormones for 1 1/2 years and I have no regrets. They only regret is that I didn't start sooner. I am disappointed in the results. My face is still masculine (I will have FFS). I had a small amount of breast growth that my chest looks like a male chest. I still have body hair in all the same places (though it grows a lot slower). I still have a big stomach and small butt (but I now have wide enough hips to give me an hour glass figure). Limited changes are still better than no changes, so I am still glad I started hormones. I can't wait until FFS and breast augmentation!

 

To clarify, my feelings of thinking if I was "really" transgender is not that I felt I was not deserving of transition, or that my gender dysphoria was not severe enough to justify transition to other people, or feelings that I would be fake if I transitioned. I was worried that it could provoke more dysphoria instead of relieving of it.

 

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Ricki Ashlynn Kara W. said:

I have come up with a very simple litmus test for transitioning that I believe would hold true of every trans man or trans woman who has done so.

Quote

Are you willing accept that you may be rejected by everyone you know right now to live as the gender you know yourself to be?

 

Everyone I have spoken to that has transitioned has gambled against this exact possibility. if the answer is "No", I would suggest you think long and hard before starting HRT. 

 Very interesting point, Ricki.  There may be other 'litmus tests' but this is definitely a good measure of the level of conviction in moving forward in one's transition.

 

This is likely a question every one of us moving forward in our transition has to make at some point along our journey if we decide to move forward.  I can remember early in my transition thinking, "Oh, I won't need to tell everyone." (lol, it's still early for me but you get my point).  That was silly thinking on my part but sort of a mental defensive mechanism because I knew I was going to continue transitioning no matter what the consequences.

 

Susan R?

[mini]

hello

 

Melissa i sort of feel dysphoria at times and i do feel like you do at times as i only been questioning and seeking real answers for about a month. Well actually always thought about it from time to time but now seems more in line with accepting i am trans MTF . Its been real helpful to be have found this site and all the wonderful trans from both MTF and FtM . What i have read is that alot of us MTF & maybe FtM  still keep there original equipment from birth some of us because of costs and others are still going through therapy and slowly transitioning. It is never easy to transition but maybe we can keep our original equipment until such time as its right for one which may never be at all but still live close as one can to be MtF. I really dont know too much but at least that is my feeling.

[melissa_pre_tg_uk]

Hi all, 

 

Thanks for your posts. Much appreciated. Lots to think on.