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SamanthaC

Hi I'm Samantha

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SamanthaC

Hi everyone!

 

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for two weeks, at times feeling like my head was going to explode with all the self analysis I had been doing. So many sleepless nights I've been exhausted.

I've been crossdressing for years. Since I was 10 or 11 I think (i'm 56 now). I been through several painful purges - and everything has been fine for about 2 or 3 years. I've been depressed, overeating and drinking way too much. Generally hating myself and not knowing why. Two weeks ago my wife and 10 year old daughter planned a road trip leaving me on my own for the weekend. Normally when I am on my own I love to crossdress - so I started planning  the clothes I would buy how which Amazon locker to pick them up from - I had it all worked out. A few days before my wife was about to leave I had an overwealming urge to tell her. to two nights I couldn't sleep, thinking it through, going back and forth, In the end I just blurted it out.

 

My wife is very progressive and works with the LGBT community but even so I wasn't sure how she would react. I know it came as a complete shock to her, but she was very understanding  and supporting. I felt extremely happy I told her, it gave me more confidence. To cut a long story short, since then (last week) I've explored a lot  of who I am, seen a therapist, shaved my body hair, and had a manicure (leaving my nails long and shaped like a woman nails). I'm pretty sure I'm a transgender woman - it just feels right. I'm more more content and less depressed than i have been and feel good about the life - and for the first time, myself. I have a plan to lose weight - which I'm determined to do. Looking forward to the journey ahead (at least I think so :) ) .

 

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Jani

Hello SamanthaC.  Thanks for the wonderful introduction.  I know it was difficult to tell your wife.  But it did unburden your soul a bit and that is always good.   Seeing a therapist is great as I found having someone to speak with with no "strings attached" really helped me.  As to whether you are transgender, that decision is yours alone.  But as you know, if you weren't you wouldn't be in the place you are in, and here at this forum.  Taking care of your body as well as mind is a great first step.  Applause!  Stay focused as best you can, even when you are down.  Its more important at those times.  Keep us posted on your progress. 

 

Cheers, Jani   

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Carolyn Marie

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Samantha.  I'm so glad to hear that your wife is being supportive, so far.  I hope that continues.  You are about the same age I was when I started transitioning, and came out to my wife.  We're still together, and I hope that's how it rolls for you.  Take care.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Timber Wolf

Hi Samantha,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

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Alex C

hi Samantha thumbs up on releasing the guilt...

 

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SamanthaC

Thanks all for being so nice. Today I feel like maybe I'm just mentally I'll and need electric shock treatment. Jeeze. Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow (she's awesome).

 

 

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Ellora

Hi! And Welcome! 

Best of luck with your Journey! 

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Susan R

Hi Samantha and welcome, it was nice to read your introduction this morning.  I'm always amazed at the similarities between my journey and others here.  Your story resonates so deeply with me.  I immediately feel something like a kindred bond when I read how someone's life journey has played out in ways I can relate to and empathize.

 

I want to thank you for sharing a part of your life here and hope you get as much out of this forum as I do.  Please consider updating us as to your progress.

 

Hope to hear more,

Susan R🌷

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Kirsten
1 hour ago, SamanthaC said:

Thanks all for being so nice. Today I feel like maybe I'm just mentally I'll and need electric shock treatment. Jeeze. Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow (she's awesome).

 

 

We all need electro shock therapy! But we call it electrolysis! 🤣🤣

Welcome to the forums. 

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Charlize

Welcome Samantha.

   I remember that time after first coming out as one of the most emotionally charged time of my life.  i wavered between joy and depressing fear.  It is great that you are seeing a therapist.  That helped me as did my time here.  Something about knowing you are not alone helps immensely.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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lauraincolumbia

Welcome!

 

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SamanthaC

Hey all,

 

I don't post too often, but often come and read the forums here. I always find stories of encouragement when I'm feeling down,  excitement when I'm on the up side! 

 

By way of an update: I've been seeing a therapist for some time now. She has been extremely supportive, someone I can talk freely and openly with - which has been amazing. I feel like I can be myself at my sessions - but outside - yuck - not there yet. I've been finding it hard to talk openly with my wife, afraid of how she may react and take things. Even though I came out to her over a month ago - I've been wanting to tell her that I wanted to start HRT. I finally built up the courage last week and she got very upset. There has been a lot going on in our lives lately and I think this layered on top of everything overwhelmed her. I initially slipped back in to my old depressive self. Not very nice- but managed to snap out of it after my last therapy session. I'm going to work on communication with my wife again as HRT just seems like something I really need to do - at least to try. My plan is to try it for 3 months and see how I feel.

 

Thanks to each and everyone of you for sharing your experiences - i can't say enough about how positive it's all been on me - I'm so glad i'm not alone :)

 

Big hugs all around!

 

Samantha

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Susan R

Samantha, keep your head up because it's still early in your journey.  Take it slow with your wife but remember to take care of yourself too.  From the sound of it, you seem to have a very good therapist.  Have you considered asking your wife, and of course, your therapist if she agrees whether a group session might be of assistance to her?  Your wife cares for you and wants what's best for you.  Some of the pushback could be from fear and lack of understanding of what you need and are feeling right now.  If you could somehow convey this to your wife through a professional like your therapist (or one of her own), she might have less fear and may emphasize with your situation a bit more.

 

Its just a thought but one you might discuss with your therapist if you haven't already.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

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