Hello

[Heather Nicole]

Hi. First of all, I want to thank the moderators for approving my account. I've been very tentative, and started and stopped, and got registered but then chickened out on posting and forgot my login, and then made a new one...I'm sure I must have raised some red flags, and I certainly understand the importance of basic screening for a board like this...So I just want to thank the admins for giving me a chance...

 

So, I guess I'm pretty well in the "trans questioning" category:

 

Born a male, grew up male, the male puberty fairy hit me HARD, and at the time I was even happy about it - hitting the "growing up" rites of passage. If anything, I felt far more dysphoric about feeling like an adult in a kid's world than anything else. Although, I did have an occasional fascination with what it would be like to be a girl (both anatomically and otherwise).

 

But I don't know, maybe it was just a lack of feeling pressured to conform to male stereotypes: I was aware of various gender associations, but only ever felt tiny little pressure to conform to them. Most notably sports: I know that's something for everyone these days,, but there's a certain "tradition" that dictates "Boys are into sports". I've never been able to give a crap about sports even when I've tried (although I totally would've joined my high school's volleyball team if it hadn't been girls-only - that and golf are at least fun to play), and I've always found sports-fan-related tribalism to be especially intolerable. And as a kid, I remember having a babydoll and some necklaces just as readily available to play with as any "boy" toys - and I played with all of them. So, it wasn't really a "Buys MUST be like XYZ" environment. It was more like, I was aware of the stereotypes, but, at the time, could never really understand why anyone would willfully subject themselves to them.

 

But I'm in my late 30's now and I realize - the older I get, the more I envy girls, the more I dislike "masculinity" in general, and the more I find "being male" to really mean "being limited, restricted and villianized". Heck, I grew up in the 80's - in MY day, when it was summer and the weather was hot, ANYONE could wear "shorts" - regardless of your gender, And they were PROPER 70's/80's-style shorts, just like the ones women have recently started wearing again today, and not those absolutely god-awful super-gigantic, knee-length all-denim and/or (god forbid) "cargo" GARBAGE that us males have been "woman in india"-style EXILED to ever since the worthless  90's and the horrid, god-awful "sagging" fad that just...would...not...die!!! And that's to say nothing of the nice airy skirts, sundresses, halter-tops, croptops, yoga-pants, and strappy-but-nice sandals, and colored nails options girls have. Whereas us guys have a choice between "generic mascu-color T-shirt with either parachute semi-capris or full pants" vs "Suit and Tie" (Ugh!!! Gag me with a spoon!!!) or "Khaki and Polo"  (Just as bad!!!)...or....something more risque but automatically comes with periodic negative social consequences and an air of seeking male companionship (not my personal thing). Same goes for swimsuits, too...I don''t even WANT to show off my bare chest unless it gets people excited, (which it definitely WON'T!!) and male swim trunks are just giant water-logged balls-and-chains. And then there's body hair...ugh...thick rough non-smooth non-soft skin, an expectation of acting allergic to anything cute or  pretty or sparkly, or the MOST AWESOME piercings available unless we want to advertise interest in guys (again, not my thing,...although sometimes I almost with it was...many girls can be quite squirrely about physical intimacy with anyone whose decent and respectable, but us guys are just programmed to biologically require it...just one of nature's sick, twisted jokes)

 

Which lead to another thing: Most the time I look at...umm..."adult content"...I can't help imagining what it would feel like for the girl rather than the guy (even though guys are a turn-off for me), and half the time I can't decide between "I wish I was *with* her" vs "I wish I *was* her". Yea, I'm sure this is probably a very, very "guy" response, but I *long* to be sexually objectified...but only women are...and they hate it...and I'm not one...so naturally I want it...go figure, life, huh?

 

Oooo...kkkk....so that probably hit "TMI" real hard, but a certain bit of, ahem, drink (along with very careful timing), was the only way to get me to reach out in actual words, even though there's a part of me that's been wanting to since a long while now....so, umm, there it is!.....*runs and hides now...*....

 

Edited August 21, 2019 by Timber Wolf
Removed colorful language.

[ToniTone]

Hello and welcome! 

 

I don't think you're alone in your questioning. I certainly found a lot of what you said relatable. I'm in my early 30's and started exploring my gender again just last year. As a kid I preferred hanging out with girls and playing with dolls and My Little Ponies, didn't care for romping around in the mud with the boys. I dress out most of the time now (capris or long skirts mostly, so cute and comfortable), and dread having to work men's jeans, t's and steel toe boots (I work for a moving company and I'm not out at work yet). 

 

And I think that a lot about women with meet-I want to be with her, but I also want to be like her! *sigh*

 

And the only sports with a ball I was into were volleyball and golf, too! Not that men have to play sports and women don't, people are breaking a lot of these obsolete stereotypical norms these days. It's a new era from when we grew up in the 80s and 90s. 

 

Don't be shy. Ask and post what you feel compelled to here. Everyone here is pretty helpful and friendly. This forum is great, I love it, I know it helped me a lot. 

 

~Toni

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Heathick,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Kirsten]

6 hours ago, Heathick said:

Which lead to another thing: Most the time I look at...umm..."adult content"...I can't help imagining what it would feel like for the girl rather than the guy (even though guys are a turn-off for me), and half the time I can't decide between "I wish I was *with* her" vs "I wish I *was* her". Yea, I'm sure this is probably a very, very "guy" response, but I *long* to be sexually objectified...but only women are...and they hate it...and I'm not one...so naturally I want it...go figure, life, huh?

I fully relate with this. Pre transition I looked at my fair share of adult content. And like you I found myself wishing to know her side of things. And now i even find myself peacocking for guys. But like you I have no interest in men. Just for the feeling of being that girl. Idk that I am objectified yet, but oddly enough I hope to be someday. 

I will say that the further along I get, this becomes increasingly confusing though. The draw is much stronger. But I can honestly say when it comes to the physical aspect of all that, I still have no interest in men. But the rest is so appealing. The security. The dominance. The social aspect of being the female in the relationship. That’s all almost like a dream to me now. Pretty sure there aren’t guys out there that want a girl like me with no physical at all tho. Lol. Thankfully I’m married and don’t have to worry for now. 

Welcome to our forums! Don’t be shy. We love fresh meat! ?????‍♀️Jk. Lots of great people here always ready to help and support. ?

[Charlize]

Welcome Heathick. 

Being here helped me find and accept myself.  Hope you find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Heathick.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  It takes a while sometimes to figure out where one falls on the gender spectrum.  So look around the forums, take your time, do some introspection and maybe have a talk with a gender therapist. 

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

The folks in the XXX adult movies and magazines actually do not feel much except satisfied they have a paycheck coming in.  They are actors even for steamy sex scenes that portray a writer's idea of what sex acts may be like.  I have spoken to many of them over the years and the private person is different from the actor's characters they portray.  I have actually been present during filming of some of those movie scenes and can say it is all business and not what you see on the screen months later.

 

We have got to get it through people's minds that we are not those fantasy movie characters and that we are real people.  If those movies and mags got you thinking about your authentic self and what it really is, then they are redeemed to some extent and made the role of the actor more important for you.  Fantasies that are both guy and girl, yes, girls have them, can give us a window on what our innards are really wanting us to look like and be seen as.  Do not over play the "this is a guy thing" to get yourself into one set mold since you are probably a bigger mix of all genders than you may be comfortable with at first gasp. 

[Heather Nicole]

Thank you everyone for the kind words! And the relatable comparisons are especially nice to read!! Always nice to not feel alone!

 

@Carolyn Marie: I'm only assuming I've caught your profile's "Location" reference reference right, but if so: I love that show!!

 

@VickySGV: I sooo completely agree that people are often a far bigger mix of genders than most people realize. That's something that's been bubbling in the back of my mind for a long time, actually...

 

I have a theory (completely unfounded, untested, etc, I realize, and I can only base it on nothing more than my own personal experiences, thoughts and observations, so, it's only just a thought and I have no intention of pushing it to anyone who disagrees - because after all, for all I know, I might not even have a clue what I'm talking about anyway! How would I even know?)

 

Anyway, perhaps, people mostly just are what they are, and "gender identity" is usually (ie, "traditionally") just observation of both our own bodies and which gender "bucket" those around us perceive and treat us as being part of, and then just simply blindly accepting that at face value. Ie, I suspect many cis people would have lead perfectly functional, comfortable lives (well, to the extent that *anyone* actually does!) regardless of what bucket fate/biology/society had happened to assigned them into at birth. Perhaps most people would have blindly accepted it either way, and then willingly conformed to whichever it was...(Or maybe I'm just projecting.)

 

But then, just as is always inevitable when quantifying inherently qualitative data into discrete "buckets", there are inevitably many cases (such as myself and doubtless many others) that are not so simple, or just don't happen to fall neatly within the given lines, but fall more on the borders between. And we may have, or have noticed, more discrepancy or incompatibility between our "bucket" vs our fundamental nature than others might have, or have recognized in themselves. And some of us may be more open to the idea that the person we're treated as being, or even told that we are, may not be completely, entirely, unquestioningly accurate.

 

In any case, just as an aside, sometimes it can be convenient, for the sake of conversation, to refer to one of those "buckets" by name ("guy", "gal", whatever), NOT because the buckets are an accurate reflection of reality (they clearly aren't), but simply because we're all aware of what the buckets are and what their common (though mistaken) associations are.

 

But maybe I got a little off-track philosophical there

 

In any case, thanks again for the warm welcome!

 

[Heather Nicole]

12 hours ago, VickySGV said:

The folks in the XXX adult movies and magazines actually do not feel much except satisfied they have a paycheck coming in.  They are actors even for steamy sex scenes that portray a writer's idea of what sex acts may be like.  I have spoken to many of them over the years and the private person is different from the actor's characters they portray.  I have actually been present during filming of some of those movie scenes and can say it is all business and not what you see on the screen months later.

 

We have got to get it through people's minds that we are not those fantasy movie characters and that we are real people.

 

True, I realize that, at least to the extent that I'm capable of. But if anything at all, please understand that I come from a VERY different perspective than they do. The fact of the matter is, regardless of how they may feel about what they are doing on-camera, they ARE actually doing it. AND getting paid for it.

 

Me? Shoot, I wasn't even going to go here but...oh heck, in for a penny in for a pound...I was borderline suicidal because I was 34 and nobody in my entire life had ever cared to date me, let along touch me at all. It's all I'd ever truly wanted since puberty hit, to the point I could scarcely even bear it as a 12 year old, let alone twenty years later despite society's lies and false promises of "someday you will meet somebody...".

 

The ONLY reason I'm even still alive today, despite the best efforts of countless professional counselors/psychiatrists/etc over the course of...years? I don't even remember...is because of one genuine angel I just barely managed to figure out how to meet who...let's just say had a non-traditional career, an open mind, and (to my regret) will probably never know how much she truly meant. Ethics, legality, what-have-you aside, that tiny little bit (I couldn't even feel anything because of the mutually-agreed-upon protection), was still enough, just barely enough...Because even though my mind had LONG since filed it away under the "fiction/fantasy/only exists for people who aren't me" category, another human being was actually willing to be unclothed, together with me in the same state...Just of few minutes of that alone was enough to do what years with army of professionals couldn't...It pulled me...just a little bit...back from the edge. I swear to you it's the only reason I'm alive today.

 

And yes, I realize this puts me squarely in the same "damaged" category as millions of generic, fully-deluded others...but at least some of the damaged get to have that placebo they can never fully appreciate. Some of us aren't even THAT lucky...

 

So no matter how jaded some people may become...Never, ever, ever, ever discount the importance of basic human sexuality, no matter how "risque'", "immoral", or by far worst of all..."overrated"...is to the basic human experience.