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Greetings! 

I finally find myself at a point in my life where I can try to settle some of the gender issues that have caused so many issues over the years. I'm biologically male, but don't always feel that way. It seems language has finally caught up with what I've always felt. 

Genderfluid is the best descriptor I've been able to find for me. I have days where I feel very male. Other days very female and feminine.  It has not proven to be predictable,  which is currently my greatest source of anxiety.  I've had days where I feel great. Perfectly at home in my skin. Other days when I look in the mirror I don't recognize the face staring back. All I want to do on these days is crossdress and be as female as possible. Sometimes this switch happens mid day. Which is the worst. 

I've started shaving, as body hair is a major source of discomfort on what I'll call "fem" days.  I've been playing with cloths to try and ease the feelings of being "off" on these days. I can dress around my house, which is great. But doesn't help when I'm at work and can't change or I'm stuck wearing my male cloths. 

I don't have a desire to transition. I just need some guidance on the best ways to handle the back and forth.  Also, if someone knows of a better description than genderfluid,  I'm all ears. 

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  • Admin

Just about all of us go through some shifting of personal labels over out lives, and there is no requirement that you meet all the elements on a check list to take a label or even six.  I am going to give an almost universal answer as to what you should do to deal with the feelings, and that is to find a Behavioral Health Therapist who is experienced with gender issues, even with gender fluidity.  The advantage to this is that it gives you a compassionate person who can nevertheless help you keep your eyes on the road for your life without the risk of talking to family members, clergy or co-workers.   Transitioning is not needed to be yourself as long as you know what you can do to live with it.  For now, CD could also be a title, and we have members here for whom one day a month is all the femme time they need, but they find places to do it safely.  Some of my stories here go into just that.  Not really much more I can say other than you have nothing to be ashamed of and the real possibility of being in control of your gender issues instead of the other way around.  

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Just now, VickySGV said:

 I can say other than you have nothing to be ashamed of and the real possibility of being in control of your gender issues instead of the other way around.  

Your quote is what I'm going for.  I'm tired of the anxiety and the questioning.   Thank you! 

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  • Forum Moderator

Accepting ourselves and being honest with someone even if it's in a forum helps.  I was stuck in a place similar to what you describe.  I would dress and feel great and then find that i could feel great as male at other times.  Perhaps that is "fluid" but we all have some traits of both genders within us.

There is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  Try to just be yourself and live the path that brings comfort.  That path may change and that's ok as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Hi

I am also a Kris whose gender switches a lot, sometimes multiple times a day.

 

It was very confusing when it started but I have begun to get used to it. The desires can be so strong on my more masculine times I almost wonder if imagined the whole thing and on femme days wondering if I should transition permanently.

 

What I have realized as I have gone forward is I actually have the best of both worlds and who I am is all things so I just follow what my body\brain\gender identity tells me.

 

Here are things which I have found help me:

1. Get some friends who you can tell about this so they are not surprised when you turn out to be different

2. Find ambiguous touches you can add at work until you are ready to come out. Unless you are wearing a dress or skirt I found I could actually add quite a lot without comment

3. Develop other things you can do on femme days to help you feel better. e.g. Listen to music that you can associate, try practicing walking or voice at times, browse clothing or fashion blogs on your lunch hour

 

For the face I get that a lot, it is so weird. Some days I can wake up look in the mirror and think it is so me, some days it is a total stranger. What I am trying to do is change my hair style, eyebrows and eyelashes sorted and get hair removed so my face starts at an ambiguous place. That way then I can just change the way I comb it or add makeup if I want to go further.

 

Good luck on your journey and let me know if you have any other queries

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@Krisvm

Everything you said rings true for me. I read an article on gender fluidity and one person remarked how it was great "to be able to choose".  That has not been my experience.  Outside factors sometimes will effect me or I just wake up in one mode or the other. I'm hoping with time to be able to predict the switches. 

I'll dress fem one day and have no interest the next. Or I'll be in one mode or the other for multiple days.  Integrating the two would be great in my mind. Unfortunately there are times I need to force myself to be very masculine. So that may be a hindrance. Thank you so much for your reply! 

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On 8/22/2019 at 7:03 PM, Kriss said:

@Krisvm

Everything you said rings true for me. I read an article on gender fluidity and one person remarked how it was great "to be able to choose".  That has not been my experience.  Outside factors sometimes will effect me or I just wake up in one mode or the other. I'm hoping with time to be able to predict the switches. 

I'll dress fem one day and have no interest the next. Or I'll be in one mode or the other for multiple days.  Integrating the two would be great in my mind. Unfortunately there are times I need to force myself to be very masculine. So that may be a hindrance. Thank you so much for your reply! 

 

Yes I relate to that too. I spent years trying to force myself to be male and it drove me to sever depression. 

 

I recently had to stay with family I am not out to and after a few days I was really wanting to be feminine. When I finally got out, putting on a cute dress and doing my makeup made a world of difference.

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  • 7 months later...
sleepinflame

This thread hits very close to where I am at.  I intend to find a therapist.  But as I have aged out of my male hormones, the other part of me is becoming much stronger.  I don't currently feel a need to present as female, but my *self* is changing so fast I can almost see that coming like a fast train.  Three months ago I would have said that I was male-adjacent.  Now, it seems to bounce between 50-50 and female-adjacent.  I don't have any need to present to anyone, but I put on something of my partner's that was feminine and the way it felt ...  I might end up doing it for *me*.  There are some serious social benefits to presenting as a male at work and elsewhere.  I don't think I'm going to be a pretty girl, but I think I have to find something out about it.  I really despise the male qualities which I perceive as having been caused by hormones and which I am getting released from now, at 58.  My main motivating factor is the need for f/f style non-romantic friendships.  If I can get there without presenting as female, I will be pretty happy.  In that regard, I'm actually doing pretty well with some lesbian friends, if you can see the logic.  They're not interested in me, so it frees me a lot with them and I can unreel a lot of what's inside without it being perceived in the usual social norms.  I've been tearing through all the transgender girl fiction that I can find.  Aside from TGs who are attracted to men, the other main driving force in presenting as female is the non-romantic relationships with women.   This is what I'm missing in my life right now.  My question to the thread is how much of presenting female is about your important relationships?   Please think of romantic and non-romantic relationships completely differently.  I only just recently thought of presenting female as something that might be meaningful to me, without regard to relationships.

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  • Forum Moderator
Susan R

@sleepinflame

IMHO, female presentation is very important. I was missing this non-romantic female/female interaction my entire life. It hasn’t been until the last year or so that I’ve really been experiencing what this interaction was all about.

One time talking to my father, he told me how important it was for women (specifically my mother) to have woman friends.  I knew this was true as I saw it in everyday life with my mother and other females and wondered what it would truly be like.  Unfortunately, I thought it was something I’d never experience in my lifetime.

I had a girlfriend for years while presenting female back in my 80’s but it was a romantic based relationship. My g/f still treated me as her romantic interest. I know now that it wasn’t the same as just being regular ‘day to day’ non-romantic g/f’s.  The way we talked with one another was the same way we talked when she knew me as a male.  Now I fully understand what my father was talking about.

 

I know for sure is that the friendships with women are much different now than anything I experienced prior to transition. It is likely related my presentation, voice, and the way I carry myself via movement and hand gestures, etc...  Which parts are more important? It’s hard to say but I believe, at minimum, a small combination of each of those components...at least in my case.

 

I and others discussed a similar topic the other day if you’re interested.

Approachability: A Very Nice & Unexpected Change

 

My Best,

Susan R?

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sleepinflame

Thanks Susan,

 

Thank you for confirming that the "girlfriend" relationships are important.  Honestly, it's the largest part of my motivation to really work hard on this question of identity.  I had a piece of this when I was married and had small children.  Lots of role reversed things in that marriage, which was very good for a very long time (23 years).  My wife was a management consultant when the kids were little and I had the kids for normal weekday evenings.  Of course I made friends with moms from daycare and spent a lot of evening time with them rearing children.  It was awesome and the fact that we all had small children, were all in committed relationships, and all had a very good reason to spend time together created something which I lost when we got divorced.  Because then I was a single male and then I was no longer safe for those kinds of relationships.   But I know I relate to women in a way that cis-men don't, partly because of that experience and partly because of on-going experiences in the workplace where the men make jokes that they don't understand various things about their wives.  I just roll my eyes internally, because I do understand.  I just get more and more exasperated with how block-headed they are and I realize more and more how alien they are to me.  And not in a good way, because they exhibit so many of the qualities which I don't like in myself.  It's just that I have these other qualities that they don't have and that I value highly.

 

4 hours ago, Susan R said:

It is likely related my presentation, voice, and the way I carry myself via movement and hand gestures, etc...  Which parts are more important? It’s hard to say but I believe, at minimum, a small combination of each of those components...at least in my case.

I believe what you said here.  I suspect just doing all of those things creates the magic sauce.

 

I also find myself wondering if changing presentation doesn't help one to "switch register" in one's mind to change roles.  As if what I feel now and what I would feel if I switched would be mutually inaccessible.   I have some suspicion it would be like that for me, a completely different mindset.  I have the empathy and a certain amount of softness now, but I have the feeling I would be quite different if ... I think I saw a suggestion on some other thread to just switch for a day and see what happens.   I'm thinking more and more that it might be important for me.  It doesn't seem quite enough now for it all to be internal.  As I mentioned somewhere, I'm changing so fast right now I don't know quite where the train is going to stop.

 

Thank you for the link in your note - Joe.

 

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