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Kriss

Greetings! 

I finally find myself at a point in my life where I can try to settle some of the gender issues that have caused so many issues over the years. I'm biologically male, but don't always feel that way. It seems language has finally caught up with what I've always felt. 

Genderfluid is the best descriptor I've been able to find for me. I have days where I feel very male. Other days very female and feminine.  It has not proven to be predictable,  which is currently my greatest source of anxiety.  I've had days where I feel great. Perfectly at home in my skin. Other days when I look in the mirror I don't recognize the face staring back. All I want to do on these days is crossdress and be as female as possible. Sometimes this switch happens mid day. Which is the worst. 

I've started shaving, as body hair is a major source of discomfort on what I'll call "fem" days.  I've been playing with cloths to try and ease the feelings of being "off" on these days. I can dress around my house, which is great. But doesn't help when I'm at work and can't change or I'm stuck wearing my male cloths. 

I don't have a desire to transition. I just need some guidance on the best ways to handle the back and forth.  Also, if someone knows of a better description than genderfluid,  I'm all ears. 

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VickySGV

Just about all of us go through some shifting of personal labels over out lives, and there is no requirement that you meet all the elements on a check list to take a label or even six.  I am going to give an almost universal answer as to what you should do to deal with the feelings, and that is to find a Behavioral Health Therapist who is experienced with gender issues, even with gender fluidity.  The advantage to this is that it gives you a compassionate person who can nevertheless help you keep your eyes on the road for your life without the risk of talking to family members, clergy or co-workers.   Transitioning is not needed to be yourself as long as you know what you can do to live with it.  For now, CD could also be a title, and we have members here for whom one day a month is all the femme time they need, but they find places to do it safely.  Some of my stories here go into just that.  Not really much more I can say other than you have nothing to be ashamed of and the real possibility of being in control of your gender issues instead of the other way around.  

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Kriss
Just now, VickySGV said:

 I can say other than you have nothing to be ashamed of and the real possibility of being in control of your gender issues instead of the other way around.  

Your quote is what I'm going for.  I'm tired of the anxiety and the questioning.   Thank you! 

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AnnaD

i'd say use whatever labels you're most comfortable with.

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Charlize

Accepting ourselves and being honest with someone even if it's in a forum helps.  I was stuck in a place similar to what you describe.  I would dress and feel great and then find that i could feel great as male at other times.  Perhaps that is "fluid" but we all have some traits of both genders within us.

There is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  Try to just be yourself and live the path that brings comfort.  That path may change and that's ok as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Krisvm

Hi

I am also a Kris whose gender switches a lot, sometimes multiple times a day.

 

It was very confusing when it started but I have begun to get used to it. The desires can be so strong on my more masculine times I almost wonder if imagined the whole thing and on femme days wondering if I should transition permanently.

 

What I have realized as I have gone forward is I actually have the best of both worlds and who I am is all things so I just follow what my body\brain\gender identity tells me.

 

Here are things which I have found help me:

1. Get some friends who you can tell about this so they are not surprised when you turn out to be different

2. Find ambiguous touches you can add at work until you are ready to come out. Unless you are wearing a dress or skirt I found I could actually add quite a lot without comment

3. Develop other things you can do on femme days to help you feel better. e.g. Listen to music that you can associate, try practicing walking or voice at times, browse clothing or fashion blogs on your lunch hour

 

For the face I get that a lot, it is so weird. Some days I can wake up look in the mirror and think it is so me, some days it is a total stranger. What I am trying to do is change my hair style, eyebrows and eyelashes sorted and get hair removed so my face starts at an ambiguous place. That way then I can just change the way I comb it or add makeup if I want to go further.

 

Good luck on your journey and let me know if you have any other queries

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Kriss

@Krisvm

Everything you said rings true for me. I read an article on gender fluidity and one person remarked how it was great "to be able to choose".  That has not been my experience.  Outside factors sometimes will effect me or I just wake up in one mode or the other. I'm hoping with time to be able to predict the switches. 

I'll dress fem one day and have no interest the next. Or I'll be in one mode or the other for multiple days.  Integrating the two would be great in my mind. Unfortunately there are times I need to force myself to be very masculine. So that may be a hindrance. Thank you so much for your reply! 

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Krisvm
On 8/22/2019 at 7:03 PM, Kriss said:

@Krisvm

Everything you said rings true for me. I read an article on gender fluidity and one person remarked how it was great "to be able to choose".  That has not been my experience.  Outside factors sometimes will effect me or I just wake up in one mode or the other. I'm hoping with time to be able to predict the switches. 

I'll dress fem one day and have no interest the next. Or I'll be in one mode or the other for multiple days.  Integrating the two would be great in my mind. Unfortunately there are times I need to force myself to be very masculine. So that may be a hindrance. Thank you so much for your reply! 

 

Yes I relate to that too. I spent years trying to force myself to be male and it drove me to sever depression. 

 

I recently had to stay with family I am not out to and after a few days I was really wanting to be feminine. When I finally got out, putting on a cute dress and doing my makeup made a world of difference.

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