What should I do?

[leomonade]

I already said what's been happening in my life on my last topic, but basically I've been more and more bothered about coming out. Now that school started this week (I'm a high school sophomore), I have to live as a girl again, and lately a few people I know (online and irl) have been transitioning and it kinda hurts to see people able to transition safely while I feel like I can't even tell anyone I'm trans. I know my friends would be mostly fine depending on who I tell, but lately as I've had to be seen as female wherever I go I just want to live authentically as a male so badly. As of now, the only place I can safely be male is online, and though my school has been pretty welcoming to LGBT students (at school we had to tell everyone word by word our name and pronouns, which sucked for me since if I told them to call me by male pronouns my parents would find out somehow so I had to tell everyone I went by she and her, so it was a lose-lose for me. it hurt), my parents have been holding me back from being male in the real world for a while. I don't know much about my dad's political beliefs, since he doesn't talk to me ever about topics related to being gay/trans/etc, but my mom has been really nosy about it to me lately. She'll see me wearing tomboyish clothing and start talking to me and asking if I'm self-conscious about my chest, if I'm lesbian, and then goes on a rant about how nature gifted me with such a beautiful figure and god, I'm so tired of it. I'm so fed up with having to deal with everyone calling me she, my mom telling me how lucky I am to be gifted with such a pretty body, and constantly reminding me I'm a woman to her. I get that it's hard for a parent to accept their child is trans and want them to live a good life without complications. She's talked to me multiple times before about gay people, whom she's fine with but would prefer I wasn't, and she's talked to me once about non-binary people, which she thinks is dumb. She hasn't said anything about transgender people, as in FtM, Mtf, to me. About a month and a half ago, she caught me alone and told me that the way I dress, talk, and walk makes her suspect I'm a lesbian and told me she'll support me nonetheless because it's a parent's job to, but being trans is a whole other thing than sexuality when it comes to coming out. Maybe if I explain the science behind it to her, she'd get it, but I feel like she'll insist I'm just a tomboyish lesbian, since she tells me lesbians have more masculine brains, stuff like that. I could also tell my dad, but since I know more about my mom's opinions on topics like that and my mom's more present than my dad, I'm probably going to be telling my mom first if I do. Part of me feels like I have to tell her, just so she knows I feel this way and I won't have to explain anything if she found out I went by male pronouns at school, even if she doesn't accept me at first. But I just don't want my life to change so much just yet. I try to convince myself it's just a matter of explaining a deep feeling, but I can't ignore that my whole life is going to change one way or another once I tell my parents, one way or another. I want it to be my choice to change my life like that, but not gonna lie, I'm so scared to. Not to mention, my mom's been asking me more and more if I'm lesbian or self-conscious about my body, like I said, and I'm worried one day she'll ask me if I'm trans directly rather than asking if I'm a lesbian. What should I do if that happens? I'm terrified for my life to change now and feel like I need to do it myself instead of someone else changing my life, but I want to just live the way I want to as a man, or boy since I'm still in high school. But if she asks me first, I won't have to initiate the conversation myself. What should I do if she does ask me if I'm trans anytime soon? I really  need help on this 

[VickySGV]

If she were to ask that face on, my suggestion is to say that you are trying to discover exactly who you are, and that it does take some time.  Perhaps that could be an opening for you to get some counseling about your Gender Dysphoria with the help of your mom.  In most U.S. states, since you are an adolescent, doctors and therapists for your age group cannot discuss gender issues or other specified issues with your parents without your permission, unless you are actively suicidal or thinking about harming another person.  The therapist can become your helper to communicate with your mother and maybe father when the time comes that you are ready.  You can politely  tell her that some comments are not helpful, such as "how girly your figure is" or things like that.  Thank her for being your parent, but tell her you on a a journey of discovery in your mind and will communicate with her as you progress.  I have 3 adult children and had to butt out of their lives for some of their goals, which were hard for me, even though they are all three cis/het.

[Carolyn Marie]

I think your instincts are serving you well, hon.  They are telling you that danger lies ahead if you come out when you're not ready.  I have always counseled young people here, as have Vicky and others, that they should not come out to parents if there is even a 50/50 chance it won't go well.  There are too many things that can go wrong, and only one thing that can go right, and to me, that's too big a risk.  So my advice has been to not come out to parents unless there is absolutely no other choice, that waiting until you can at least make legal decisions for yourself is too much to bear.

 

Keep learning about this stuff; talk to people you trust, talk to us, read up on it, gather information that you can someday give to your parents to help them understand you.  You'll survive the next couple of years, hon.  We want to keep you safe, and happy.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[reyindium]

You are in a unique position because you have a parent who is actively expressing interest in knowing you but you aren't ready to share. 

I wasn't in a position of safety to come out when I was a teenager living at home. I waited to explore my questions about my gender identity until I moved 1000 miles away from my parents after turning 18. I was also independent financially too. Until I moved out, I repressed and repressed hard. And even away from my parents, I still would fluctuate back to dressing/acting cis when my parents were in the picture because I wasn't ready to claim ownership of my transgender identity. It wasn't until my mother divorced my step-father and we built our trust back up that I even considered coming out to her. And up until I did, I would've loved for her to straight out ask me so I could just say, "Yes, I am" instead of how it really happened....which was me calling her randomly yesterday and dropping the bomb.

You are in control of when and how you come out. Just know that once you tell others, you aren't in control of that knowledge anymore. People can tell others, even if you ask them not to. 

 

[reyindium]

Aaaand on the topic of safety, as Carolyn mentioned above...

I would caution you on covering your tracks very carefully with your online life. When I was sleeping with girls in high school, my gf's parents found love letters I'd written her because she didn't hide them well enough and they sent them to my mom, outing me (and our relationship).

 

Being outed in that environment was hell. And it robbed me of all control.

So be careful. 

Cover those tracks well if you aren't ready for someone to possibly find them.

[anond]

Highschool was some of the worst times in my life being transgender. I know how it feels to live in fear of coming out. I have been verbally and physically abused when I did anything "girly" when I was younger. So I tried to behave the way they wanted me to. My mother like yours has said some very hurtful things to me about transgender people.

 

When I hit puberty I knew I was not a boy mentally, I hated my body, I hated everything about myself. I kept a journal about my thoughts on life and how I felt locked away in a drawer in my bedroom. My mother had already told me when I was 13 she wanted to disown me after her divorce from my dad. I was scared of being discovered because my dad is even worse then my mom. I have been physically assualted by him even when I didn't do anything girly. Yet she kept asking me why don't you have a girlfriend yet, why don't you wear shorts, you need to eat more or people will start thinking your a girl, etc. I also knew she had no respect for my privacy.

 

So one day I cam home and I found my locked drawer open and my journal missing. She asked me if I ever wore any of her clothes and told me that my depression has me confused. I denied I was transgender, so that she wouldn't verbally and physically abuse me again. She knew I was transgender, but she completely denies the existence of the concept. Threatening to tell my Dad, and my Grandparents I agreed I would stop journaling and drawing.

 

Things just continued to get worse for me, I turned to drugs and stopped caring about my life. During one of the years of my highschool drug abuse, she came to my fathers house and berated me for my drug use and that I would corrupt my brother. She tol me that if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have to live a miserable life. She could have finished her college, done the things she wanted to do. She told me that she should have never listened to her father in keeping me. That she was even ready to go through with an abortion 6 months into her pregnacy. I lost it I was the maddest I have ever been in my life I was ready to kill her. I never wanted to be born a male, I rather not have existed then to have dealt with all the abuses. My father held me back and told my mother to get leave his house immediately. I cried all night, I had been putting up with being male why did I even try.

 

Eventually in I would be caught trying to kill myself in my later years of highschool and be put on suicide watch. I again attempted when I was 19, with enough drugs to kill 3 people. Yet after I blacked out thinking my heart was stopping, I awoke to being still alive.

I gave up and wasted a few months of complete inactivity. I rarely talked, hardly ate and was a husk of a person.

 

Eventually I ended up getting motivated again to look for a job. Maybe I could just transition after I make enough money. What else did habe to lose, I thought. I got accepted into college for healthcare and was happy I was doing something I liked alot. This happiness made me foolishly accepting a girls request for a date. She was a good friend and I thought maybe I can overcome being transgender. She took my virginity and even though she enjoyed it, I was extremely uncomfortable. I felt like killing myself while doing it, I felt bad because she was so nice.

 

We stayed dating after college and I got a job at a nursing home. I enjoyed my job and only occasionally would I get extreme dread when I would not be allowed to help someone. I felt terrible that I will never be able to help everyone because I am physically male. Yet I was also in a long distance relationship. Instead of being alone with my thoughts on my days off or even after work I would drive all the way down to where she lived 2 hours away just to keep my mind occupied with something other then my dysphoria.

 

I ended up getting a job where she lived and mived right away. I was far from my family now and finally able to go about my life. I knew she wanted kids and a marriage but I was too afraid to tell her the truth about me. To afraid to come out and say I am not a man. I eventually burned out at my job because the dysphoria got to me. I was hospitalized and I was getting ready to either come out or find a way to kill myself. Yet she came everyday to check on me, I felt truly loved. I had never felt this before, to experience unconditional love. I then decided to try and be what she want me to be because she gave me something I never had.

 

I joined the trades, men like the trades so I should be in the trades I thought. Yet I literally had barely any trade skill. I carried about my life, she was happy, my family was happy, my friends were happy, her family was happy and I was still depressed. They all tried to help me they would say I have some many great things in my life why am I depressed. I kept trying for them, then I made a very bad choice.

 

I pruposed to my wife, I knew I was transgender, but she wanted marriage and I didn't want to lose my closest friend. We got married I started a new trade job which I was excelling at. People were happy and I didn't know if I could keep it up. Eventually it caught up to me again, after a fellow colleague came out the they were transitioning ftm and I already knew they had a wife and kids.

 

I fell into disaray again, I couldn't sleep and at my cnc machine I came close to crashing a machine due to my insomnia.

I went to get medical help, therapy, medicine anything to combat my sleep and depression. I was unable to work and months started to pass, nothing worked. I was on a wait list for therapy and I wasn't ready to confrot the fact I am transgender. 8 months have passed since the day I had to leave work, I am 27 years old and a complete -expletive- up.

I have gone to counselling now for help and I am getting ready to inform my GP.

I also have told my wife she is the only other person who knows. I was prepared for the worse, but she accepts me. I know that our love is different now and I am ok with that. I am a transwoman attracted to men and she is a woman attracted to men. The part I am not ok with is the fact I have been a shell of a person to her and everyone else in my life. I have betrayed all their trust and deserve the judgement which will undoubtly come for me. I am prepared to be assaulted, berated or even killed, I am no longer going to live as somebody else.

 

I know this is a long story and shows how -crappy- of a person I am. That is why I am sharing it however. I don't want you to make the mistake of not being yourself. It is scary yes, things can change for the worse in your social life. Yet can you really live in a nightmare, where you fear perscution from others. Be brave, I can tell you have courage from what you have said. You can overcome this hardship and become the person you really are. I wish you all the best in your life and hope that you have a little bit more knowledge on what repressing can make you do.