coming out plans, need help

[leomonade]

Since my last post, I've been thinking more about when to come out, how to come out, etc. After getting responses, it somehow made me more motivated to come out to someone lol. I know I want to be out as a guy, but I don't want to have to come out, you know? I already have a plan for how I want to live as a guy after I come out to my parents, and I have the general idea of what I want to say to them when I come out, which I'll say in a later post,but now I've been thinking about how I'll deal with reactions and who to come out to first. 

 

My plan at first was to come out to my mom, since I know more about her political opinions, then talk to my dad with her if she doesn't tell him first, then come out to all my friends at once.Then I'll live as a guy with my friends, family, and going out to places because I really don't want to deal with coming out as trans to some people at school. My school itself is pretty LGBT-friendly, but I know a few kids who probably wouldn't welcome it that well. In senior year, I want to start T, so that by the time I get to college, I can go stealth easily.

 

Later, at the beginning of this year, we had to introduce ourselves and say to the whole class our preferred name and pronouns. I realized that as my school is becoming more LGBT friendly like this, it'll make me feel terrible having to introduce myself as not male. I also figured that it would probably make it a lot harder for my friends, because they'll have to keep track of when to call me "Leo" and "he." So then I became skeptical about that. When thinking about it, it wouldn't be so bad to be out at school. Sure, it might make me a bit of a social outcast, since most guys wouldn't accept me as a guy, meanwhile hanging out with the girls as a trans guy would make me dysphoric, but I'm already one so it wouldn't make too much of a difference.

 

I figure my friends would probably take me coming out decently, since most of them are LGBT themselves, or supportive people who I've occasionally seen talk about transgender people supportively enough, if anything just not really educated on it. It would probably take a bit to get used to my new name and everything, and the most trouble I expect is to face talking about why I'm trans, or just avoiding calling me male (ex. "they", avoiding using pronouns,etc).

I don't really know about my parents. I've talked about what I know my mom thinks before, and I don't know anything about my dad's political views, though I expect they're about the same as my mother's. The best reaction I expect is my mom is  just not being educated on it, curious about it, somewhat saw it coming, and hesitantly letting me try it out somewhat supporting me since she wouldn't want to have her daughter become her son, sincewhat would matter most to her is her child's happiness. At least I have a sister she can have a daughter in. The worst response I expect from her is to continuously tell me to dress more feminine, that I need to cure myself or something, that she's embarrassed to be with me in public, insisting I'm just a lesbian, and generally making it more tense in the house. I can't tell if it's realistic or just my personal fear. I guess it comes to how she acts already. I've seen her have strong opinions on some political topics, but maybe if she sees that it's her child who has trouble with something she disagrees with who's done research on it, she'll try to understand. I have no idea how my dad will respond. I'm also worried for how it'll make them feel. I know that in the end, it'll probably be better, for me at least, but they're going to be pretty disappointed in me. Coming out will completely change mine and their lives.

 

The main problem right now is,since the school year started, a few more people joined our friend group, and I want to be able to introduce myself as male to them, but I can't since I'm still in the closet. I just want to live as male already, and I haven't even come out to one person yet. I have no best friend I can talk to, but I want to have some kind of support from one end or another for coming out in case something goes wrong (ex. my friends being there for me if my parents taking my coming out really badly). The only way I can see it is either coming out to one group or another,being my friend group or my family, which both has its pros and cons. 
I can either come out to my friend group first in the near future and then my parents, or tell my parents and then my friends. The advantages of coming out to my friends first is that I'll be able to talk to people if my parents don't accept me and I'll be able to live as male in the real world. It would probably be in the middle of the year, so I wouldn't be able to be male in classes, but I have that figured out. If that happens, I'll keep going as male with just my friends, and then once the next school year starts, I can see if I'm fine with being male at school. The disadvantages are that somehow I feel a lot of guilt for not coming out to my parents first, which probably comes from how one time my parents went through my things and they were disappointed that I had an LGBT blog and told the world about it before I told them about it. I've long moved on from that and we all act like it never happened, even if my mom brought it up a couple times when asking me to come out as lesbian to her 

(it was anonymous and I went by an online alias btw). I'd have to tell them my friends knew I was trans before them, and that would make them feel even more terrible than they'd already feel. 

If I came out to my parents first, I wouldn't have anyone to lean on unless I told my friends after it happened, which I guess isn't so bad. It's just coming out to your parents is such a big thing that I kind of want practice for, but like I said, somehow I'd feel terrible telling my friends before them, not to mention I'd feel paranoid every time I hung out with them because I wouldn't want them finding out like that.

 

I just want advice on mostly who to come out to, but feel free to give advice on anything else I said here too.

[Lexi C]

Hey Leo..My come out party was as follows..1) came out to myself get some help via gender therapist. 2) came out to mom and sis( I don't have a father) .3) Finally  put social media to good use. 4)there is four 5) profit. 

I can tell you this (and I pretty sure I speak for all of us how have had to courageto finally be who we were met to be) you will be surprise bye whom will accept you or whom will reject you. 

 

Be Proud, Stay Safe and Kick Ass

P.S congrat's in advance 

[Sabine]

You mention that your school is quite open to LGBT expression, or at least rights. Perhaps an alternative to parents or friends may be to come out to someone such as a school counselor, or even a teacher that you feel will be empathetic to your situation. Sometimes having a person who, while friendly, is somewhat detached from your life in a direct way can help lift a burden off your shoulders, allowing for a bit of breathing room.

Regarding presentation, the "problem" being trans is that we can't push a button and just "be" who we need to be. There is that unfortunate road we have to walk, which includes the hard "in-between" area. I suppose you could do more flannel shirt, looser jeans, grungy looks, or hoodies and track pants ... stuff that isn't necessarily "gendered," but, for you, knowing it comes from the mens department, will make a big mental difference. It gets easier by the time you get to college!

Stay safe,

Sabine.