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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.

Reunited with my soul

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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.

Soooo yeah. My story is not as linear as a lot of the personal accounts I have read. I suspect I was the recipient of some awesome 70's parenting.

My chosen name is a nod to my childhood nickname only spelled with an I instead of a Y. I am 52 and I am a transgender female.

The weekend of October 13th and 14th in 2018 I binge watched all three seasons of "South of Nowhere" twice. For those of you who have not seen it, it is a very cute show about small town girl moves to big city and realizes she is lesbian.

While I have enjoyed lesbian stories and "Chick Flicks" previously, something about this resonated deeply within me and I was attempting to figure out why at work on the 15th.

The thought process went something like this:

What is making this show so personal for you?

**It's a show about discovery and lesbians. You do like watching lesbians...

Yeah but that is just because men believe if they just show up all that attention will be directed at them

**You never picture yourself showing up but as one of the participants. And all of your online MMORPG characters are girls, and all of your table top RPG characters are girls, sooooo

Holy SH!*!!!! I'm a girl!?!

When you google "Holy Sh!* I'm a girl" you learn all about Gender Dysphoria, and Transgender, and the fact when you said at 16 that you were a lesbian in a man's body it was the truth. Or maybe it was me trying to get me to remember...

And the childhood memories bubbled up:

I knew when I was 5 I did not want to be a boy, and I expressed this to my mother who told me I did not have a choice. When I saw her taking medication in the morning one day, I asked her what it was for hoping it was candy. She responded "This allows me to be a woman". Now, as an adult, I know exactly what she meant. As an almost 6 year old child who did not want to be a boy, those pills had just become the absolute "must get" in the universe. I waited for my Mom to pass out, and took 3 (yeah, I was self medicating as a pre-teen. I am such a trendsetter). I woke up the next day and much to my disappointment, "it" was still there. When my mom asked me about it, I told her I took them so I could be a girl.

Next memory - Older man in a white coat, not yelling but obviously not happy, talking with my Mom, "Maybe next time just put him in a dress and take him to school." Looking in the mirror, I looked like a pirate with an eye patch on one side and a black eye on the other. Keep in mind: This was before CPS in the US.

The next 46 years, being a girl never entered my conscious mind. I had this internal, almost panicky, desire to be "More manly" or "boys don't do that". My subconscious though...she was so working the system: 503 showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show doing the floor show as either Janet or Magenta. Going in "Drag" almost every Halloween. Almost getting my thespian letter in high school working makeup in theater.

At 15 I attempted suicide when I got caught wearing makeup and smoking some homegrown. Got my GED and joined the Navy at 20. The Navy calmed things down a lot (no women on warships to be envious of). I knew where I fit, what was expected, and any deviation from that would more than likely lead to personal violence. Don't ask don't tell.

I got married, had two kids, got divorced. I remarried to my current and amazing wife, and got out of the military so I could stay in my kids lives. At this point I discovered online MMORPG's. I told people that "if I had to look at an ass for hours on end, it was going to be a girl's ass". Little did I know, my subconscious was hard a work again demanding an outlet where I could "be" a girl, to which I responded by having two more kids: there is nothing that says "I'm a guy!!!" like a pregnant wife. After that I wanted to make sure I did not have any more as I was concerned about having children after 40, and my wife's health, and only one of my children was pre planned. So I got a vasectomy.

Having kids was no longer an option to "prove" I was a man, I bought a gun, and then a motorcycle, and then I grew a beard. The time interval in between these acts was shrinking rapidly. Then Oct 15, 2018 happened. I knew I was a girl, and I wanted shoes!!!!!!!!!

I binge researched transgender/gender dysphoria and ticked off the boxes. I was able to correlate almost every major decision in my life, depression weathered, and the unexplained baseline rage I had felt my entire life to this lifelong effort to achieve the unobtainable goal to be Male. To be fair to every therapist I had previously, they could not have known because I didn't.

I told my wife 5 days later as we had been married for 21 years and I really needed to know how she was going to take this. She took it rather well. An aunt and a few friends later things were still going well. I told my little sister (our Mom has passed) and that...that went epically bad. Turns out her brand of Christianity is "love the sinner, hate the sin". Pfft! As if being trans was sin. My kids, well my 3 girls as I have not spoken to my son in years, all took it in stride. The oldest girl 26, asked if she could still call me Dad, the 20 year old looked relieved that it wasn't something "serious", and the 16 year old smiled and has not said much.

My Doctor was OMG supportive and recommended me to the obgyn in the office who turned out to be a woman who looked 16. I started HRT on Nov 7, 2018. I took the "Do 3 months to see if you really want to go forward with this" option. The answer was "Hells Yes!". Started Spiro in January of 2019. I could not keep my Estradiol levels up with oral so I switched to injections at the end of July this year. Due to the reaction my chest is having, I am fairly certain that my levels are higher now, and I am off Spiro (thank goodness!) and keeping my T in check with bio identical Progesterone.

Estradiol is the best "antidepressant" ever. The amount of time I spend on computer games has dropped by 90%+, my libido has been cut drastically. I know this by the fact I can go for days without thinking about sex for the first time since before the evil puberty. I was an early bloomer (voice started changing at 10) which was so not the norm in the 1977.

I think this feeling I am having is happiness.

I have lost 1.5 shoe sizes (down to 8.0 Men's/10 women's!!!), lost 24 lbs, gained 15 of that back which all went to my ass, and thighs. My chest aches until the day before injection, then they are just tender.

If you made it this far, thank you for your patience. Having read a lot of trans personal stories, I am not sure if I would have wanted to know my entire life, but on the other hand if I had I believe I would have transitioned much sooner. I can say that ignorance was NOT bliss.

In hindsight I am wondering if I never found my passion in life because I never really knew who I was? Maybe now I can figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

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Cyndee

Welcome Ricki, and thanks for your intro post here :) After 5 posts you may post away without moderator approval, also the PM function becomes available. 

 

I hope you enjoy your time with us here at Trans Pulse Ricki 

 

Hugs

 

Cynthia -

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TammyAnne

Hi and welcome!

Your experience seems to me to be more linear than you might think. If you consider beads on a string - each bead being a watershed event, the string being the continuity thread of your dawning awareness of the person you really are - then it makes good sense. At least I view the events of my life that way. I'm not suggesting your view is invalid, just that perhaps your experience is wired together less traditionally.

Which makes good sense considering how non-traditional trans people's lives often are.

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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.
Just now, TammyAnne said:

Hi and welcome!

Your experience seems to me to be more linear than you might think. If you consider beads on a string - each bead being a watershed event, the string being the continuity thread of your dawning awareness of the person you really are - then it makes good sense. At least I view the events of my life that way. I'm not suggesting your view is invalid, just that perhaps your experience is wired together less traditionally.

Which makes good sense considering how non-traditional trans people's lives often are.

Thank you for the warm welcome and your thoughts. Upon reflection, perhaps I might have said "not as traditional"? 

Your insights have provoked thought. 

 

Gratitude, 

Ricki

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Susan R

Welcome Ricki!  I enjoyed reading your life story.  Glad you decided to join the community here.  There are some very nice people with knowledgeable insights here.  Grab yourself a seat and enjoy the ride.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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Jani

Welcome Ricki and thanks for sharing your story.  I'm sure you will find your passion now that you've found You.  

 

Cheers, Jani

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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.

Thank you Susan for sharing this forum, and thank you Jani, it is my sincere hope that you are correct :)

 

Ricki

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TammyAnne
13 hours ago, Ricki Ashlynn Kara W. said:

Thank you for the warm welcome and your thoughts. Upon reflection, perhaps I might have said "not as traditional"? 

Your insights have provoked thought. 

 

Gratitude, 

Ricki

I didn't want to turn into the language police. Our thoughts and how we express them are our own.

But provoking thought is a good thing. I often reflect on things long after the event wondering how I could have said it better.

I hope you will join in this discussion board with abandon and derive benefit from the experience.

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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.
3 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

I didn't want to turn into the language police. Our thoughts and how we express them are our own.

But provoking thought is a good thing. I often reflect on things long after the event wondering how I could have said it better.

I hope you will join in this discussion board with abandon and derive benefit from the experience.

Oh hon! Don't worry your head about it. I in no way took your comment in a negative light. Quite the opposite. Your words encouraged me to look at my experience from a new angle, and for that, I thank you :)

My wall came down less than a year ago, and I am still putting all the chenga pieces of my life back together. :)

 

Hugs!

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Sandra6sandy9sand

Hi Ricki, I enjoyed reading your story. It has taken me a very long time to accept that I am a woman. Motorcycle racing, the Army, a divorce and finally a great marriage and to beautiful female children plus a lot of time spent on the internet researching why I want to be a woman. At 75 I may never start HRT but to the best of my ability I spend each day as much as a woman as I can.

 

Welcome and enjoy the journey.

 

Sandra

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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.

Sandra,

Thank you so much. It means more to me than I can express to hear that. It gives me hope that I too can be just as at peace with myself in the years to follow. Your comment reminded me of a BBC video I saw: The 99-year-old transgender war veteran - BBC News. It's on youtube and worth the watch I believe.

 

Cheers :)

(Only 6 more days until my post probation ends!!! Hooray!)

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ToniTone

Hi Ricky, and welcome! This forum is a great place, everyone is so nice and helpful here. It's a great resource that I know has helped me a lot. We're glad to have you here! 

 

I agree, estradiol is the best "antidepressant". Before hrt, I always felt chemical imbalance and like something was missing. I'm so much more joyful and content, and more calm than I was before.

 

~Toni 💖

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ToniTone
Just now, ToniTone said:

Hi Ricky, and welcome! 

 

I'M SORRY!!! 

My autocorrect changed the 'i' to a 'y'

 

Hi Ricki, and welcome! 💕

 

~Toni

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Ricki Ashlynn Kara W.

Hey Toni,

 

No worries what so ever. I have been autocowrecked more times than I care to think about. Some of them rather embarrassing. 

Thank you for the warm welcome. I compleatly agree that the lack of...brain fog is the best way I can describe it right now, is wonderful. Now the brain is like "YES! THAT! Right there! That is what I have been asking for for 41 years!"

 

Ricki

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