Possibly Twisting the Facts to Convince my Bigoted Family

[Emma Jane]

I do not know if this will be upsetting or not, it might be, I'm not sure. But fair warning just in case alright? Subject matter is going to be as the title describes.

First of all, I am already out as transgender to my entire family. Most of my immediate family, and some of my extended family, came around to at least tolerating it. A couple were outright enthusiastic about it. And some have not acknowledged my existence since then. I am no, however, fully out as intersex. Only four of my family members know. Five if you count my mom (who knew that all along and was trying to suppress my female side my whole life). I do not know if my dad ever knew. He'd be the type to say " I do not want to know anything, just handle it."

In my introduction thread, one person mentioned that some information about being intersex could help my family understand better and that's honestly something I'd been thinking about too. You see, with most of my family, they are always going to be totally convinced that being homosexual or transgender is a strict lifestyle choice you freely choose that has no grounded basis beyond your control. And they're convinced you're deliberately choosing to not be "normal" and any discrimination you face you basically "had coming" because you "chose" this knowing that would happen. You may as well be explaining quantum mechanics to a goldfish for as much as they can comprehend being bisexual or anything more complex like my own orientation, pansexual. You're asking them to divide by zero there.

For most of my life, my parents completely refused to believe me whenever I was sick. Like one time I nearly died from dehydration when I had the flu and they refused to believe me and have me taken to a doctor or hospital. But in other cases, where I did manage to get to a doctor, they believed the doctor without question. When just moments before they were convinced I was lying for some nonsensical contrived reason.

So my hope is... that I can.... perhaps twist or otherwise manipulate the details or facts of my situation to convince them of something they're more ready to believe. Frustrating as it is, being trans or having any sexuality as something other than straight is something too abstract for them to ever comprehend and they're going to forever be convinced it's only in your imagination. So I have to work around that and find something not in my brain that they can latch onto. I have not had a DNA test done yet so I do not know what type of intersex condition I have. I don't know if I have XX, XY, or some kind of extra chromosomes like you get with Klinefelter syndrome.

I was adopted by my aunt and uncle when I was a baby. My birth mom was a drug addict while carrying and nursing for me and she was a minor in a relationship with a man old enough to start having his own grandchildren, who was also a petty thief that got caught stealing Christmas presents from over a dozen homes. My aunt and uncle got custody and then adopted me. My aunt, now adopted mom, is the one that had the surgery done on me. She's lied about why I was in the hospital. She said it was for allergies and ear infections. Something my doctors now say they find incredibly difficult to believe. I didn't believe her then. I always thought she was lying. My entire life she was trying to suppress any and all signs of femininity I expressed. But she did no such thing with my sisters whenever they expressed masculine traits. (They're all basically tomboys now) And when I finally managed to tell them I was trans, she reacted as if she had failed to stop something she knew I was going to do for a long time. Rather than being caught unaware like everyone else was. So I am absolutely convinced she knew the entire time exactly what as wrong with me and tried her hardest to stop it.

What I think I have to do, at least with everyone besides her, is say I have female DNA (regardless of what the actual results of a DNA test end up being). I know for certain that I'm intersex and for them, keeping it as simple a case as possible will work best. I tell them I was a female fetus and then something went wrong maybe halfway through my development and I got flooded with testosterone (something they are extremely willing to believe because they despise my drug-addicted birth mom --- even if I don't) which made me switch to developing as a male even though I was already developing as a female. And that somewhere, I still had partial ovaries that were able to produce enough estrogen during my puberty to give me a mix of male and female traits (including b-cups which take a fair amount of time on high levels of estrogen to get). Is this precisely what happened to me? I have no idea. I'm taking some creative liberty in telling this version of events. It very well could be exactly what happened but I can't prove it yet. But with this bigoted, close-minded family I don't really have to. I do think they'll be more ready to believe this version of events than they would anything more complex anyway, and certainly for more than they were ready to believe I was trans. And believing I'm some kind of victim of drugs might get them to get off my back for thinking I chose to be female. I don't really feel like I am. It wasn't really my birth mom's fault. Her dad forced her into it and made her vulnerable a kleptomaniac criminal who was basically a pedophile. I've connected to her again and told her everything and she's been great about it. Said that it explains everything about me that she remembered including the weird encounters she had with her sister, my adopted mom.

I've already thought about cutting them off. And I partially have. I moved to the other side of the US, over to Vegas. I grew up in a small town in the midwest and they're all still back there. Contact is on my terms, not theirs. I still need help, and I do not want to totally cut them off if I can help it. They already did turn around more than I expected them to.

The version of events I want to tell them could very well be entirely correct. Or it could up being a different kind of intersex condition. But I think this way would be easiest for them to understand and could get some of my family to be more supportive and to stop ghosting me so much. Maybe even turn around some of the others. My parents are visiting in late December or early January and I would like to try to get this through to most of them before they come. I don't want to sour the meeting by having it filled with trying to convince them of something.

I told two of my sisters already. One didn't respond. The other, which was supportive enough of me being trans, said she didn't understand why it meant anything and asked why I couldn't just forget about it since, according to her, it "didn't matter anyway". So that was incredibly frustrating. I was wondering if I should just flat out ignore her protests, and my other sister's ignoring me, and just make another Facebook post to my family explaining all this like I did when I came out as trans.

[VickySGV]

Stories, even in our mixed up and topsy turvy Trans state of being, are not a good idea for a number of reasons and will not really do much for the family you have described.  There is no way you can tell the story to them that will make them budge one tiny bit on their feelings.  On the other hand, one of the things we do have in the Trans Community are wonderful chances for Chosen Family to develop and you to be part of them.  They are accepting  and supportive and no need to twist things up.  What you might do too, is see about getting some better genetic scanning, and possibly some diagnostic imaging that some LGBT Community Centers can refer you to.  You may find a Planned Parenthood Trans Clinic there, I think I have heard of one.  By all means contact resources for Intersex education as well.  The other family members are not ready for you though from what you say so leave them alone and look for places you will be loved for what you are whatever that may be. 

[Charlize]

You mentioned that they did listen to a doctor

6 hours ago, Emma Jane said:

But in other cases, where I did manage to get to a doctor, they believed the doctor without question. When just moments before they were convinced I was lying for some nonsensical contrived reason.

Perhaps seeing a doctor as well as a gender therapist could help both in convincing your family of your situation and in laying out a path to self acceptance whether that requires surgery or other medical interventions.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize