Dysphoria with ability to feel emotions

[LittleRed]

Curious if other trans women experience some of these things. I'm not currently on HRT and have delayed transitioning for the time being. I realized a year ago that I've been suppressing my feminine side for nearly my entire life (I'm now 35 and married for 17 years with six children). Up until a year ago, I had always been afraid of my own emotions and ran from then as well as other's emotions. Things have changed since coming out to myself.

 

Of all the areas I get dysphoria, I am quite dysphoric about my emotions (more like my lack of emotions). I think T hormone has suppressed my ability to feel / experience emotions so much that most of my life I feel like I have really only experienced three or four states of emotion (I'm typically either sad, angry, depressed / emotionless, or amused by something). I just don't go beyond that, even when I feel like I should be able to. Lately I have moments where I really want to cry after having a difficult day but its nearly impossible.

 

Also I have a natural tendency to "shut off" what emotions I do have in order to get through stressful situations or to get things done that require a lot of mental effort. Many times I do this without even thinking about it or realizing I'm even doing it and it gives me dysphoria sometime after it happens, which throws me into depression. 

 

In my relationship with my wife, I have always had a longing for more emotional connection but I feel like I can't most of the time (usually because I have shut them off). I have always desired an emotional connection during sex as well (as opposed to the "wham bam, thank you, mam" approach). Fortunately we're both more aware of this now and it seems like this area has improved.

 

Also spiritually, I have always longed for a 'deep emotional connection' with my creator but it's been super difficult. I have a strong faith but many times I feel disconnected.

 

I just think this is one of the ways I feel like I'm wired as the opposite gender than what I was assigned as at birth. I want / need more emotion in my life. I desire it and crave it but having T in my body makes it unreachable. It often causes me tension and emptiness. It's like having a cookie jar on the top shelf and not being able to reach it with no step stool or chair around for assistance.

So when I get dysphoria about my emotions, it makes me super depressed. Not being on HRT of course is the primary factor. I just can't transition for social reasons (at least for the next few years). So I'm basically depressed much of the time - a functionally depressed non-transitioning transgender woman ?

I don't know that I'm looking for any answers or what I'm even trying to achieve with this post as much as I'm just throwing this out there and hoping other trans women can relate and sympathize.

 

Thanks,

Jennifer

[VickySGV]

One of the big issues we face is that as males we were trained out of letting our emotions have a place in our lives.  I am twice your age and that negative training is more apparent for what it was, but there may be another face to this as well.  I honestly never could understand the seeming lack of feeling that I came to realize was in my male friends,  A lot of their conversations scared me when it came to dealing with the "non-competitors" such as women and children.  I on the other hand was aware of different feelings, but also was scared that I had them since they did not fit into the "peer pattern" that I had.  As a teen - 20's  I wrote poetry that evoked emotion and never used my then name as the author, although it was usually a variation on my name.  They were my escape at the time, and people felt they were inspirational until they realized I wrote it.  Not pleasant.  Give yourself permission to break the earlier training and since your wife is generally supportive use your time with her to work on sharing feelings without judgment.  It does not have to be flowery language, but "I feel calm" can become "I feel like I am floating on a cool lake in warm sun" and it makes the "calm" more expressive.  Let yourself describe BLUE as azure, or baby blue, navy, or other shades of the color.  One class on woman speak I was in had us use about 8 descriptions of a brown fabric, and just doing that opened up things, because it seemed our brains wanted to work that way.  

 

[LittleRed]

53 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

One class on woman speak I was in had us use about 8 descriptions of a brown fabric, and just doing that opened up things, because it seemed our brains wanted to work that way.  

Thats a really interesting approach! I think I will try this out with my wife as you suggested. Thanks so much ?

[VickySGV]

@LittleRed  Up above I mentioned writing poetry to get into my emotions. This is a link to one I posted here several years ago.

 

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/62084-the-mountains-call/

 

 

[Jani]

Vicky is correct about the male connection (or lack of) to emotion.  Being transgender just seems to add another complex layer as the fear of letting on sets in.  

 

4 hours ago, LittleRed said:

Lately I have moments where I really want to cry after having a difficult day but its nearly impossible.

This is okay.  Well maybe you don't want to actually cry but you can tell your wife how you are honestly feeling because of the days events.  Before I started HRT I tried hard to move away from keeping my emotions in check.  Now I have learned that being vulnerable is not a bad trait.  For example, when I am upset about something my partner has said or done, I tell her that it upset me.  She needs to know this.  Your analogy of the cookie jar is apropos of the situation we're in.  If its feels like you just don't know how to express your emotions, try just to be honest.  That's what I did.  The ability will come around with practice.   

 

I used to write poetry, but just for me as an outlet for my deepest thoughts.  I am also artistic and love colors in what I wear and in my home.  At times I have toned it back for fear of being viewed as too fem.  No longer!

 

Jennifer, start by opening up a little bit.  You'll surprise yourself.

 

Jani 

[Robin]

Hi Jennifer,

 

I believe that difficulty with feeling emotions can be the result of social conditioning and/or emotional trauma. 

 

For much of my life I "censored" my emotions, and tried to behave in a way that I believed was appropriate.  This resulted in me becoming depersonalised, and my "real" emotions seemed as though I was imagining someone else's feelings.  I now realise that any emotions that I have must be generated by my brain, and are therefore real for me.

 

I don't know whether what I have written makes any sense, as I am still trying to work it out myself.

 

Robin.

[LittleRed]

4 hours ago, Robin said:

I believe that difficulty with feeling emotions can be the result of social conditioning and/or emotional trauma. 

 

For much of my life I "censored" my emotions, and tried to behave in a way that I believed was appropriate.  This resulted in me becoming depersonalised, and my "real" emotions seemed as though I was imagining someone else's feelings.

 

Wow Robin, I can totally relate to this. I was raised in a home with a very narcissistic parent and have been dealing with the aftermath of that disaster for years. Emotions often seem difficult to interpret and sometimes unauthentic (as if I'm making them up just to feel something). In other ways, I often don't give myself any permission to feel anything in times of distress or when dealing with difficult people. Instead, I adjust myself / my personality to reduce tension with the person or situation. I'm so good at doing this that most times I don't even realize I did it until long after its been over with.

 

And when you say: This resulted in me becoming depersonalized, and my "real" emotions seemed as though I was imagining someone else's feelings... Its been really hard to come to grips that I am a trans woman because I often questioned if dysphoria that I was experiencing was even real or if I was just making this up. OMG I hate myself.

Recently I read this article about how some people who "survived" these situations can become "people pleasers", which seemed to closely resemble much of my tendencies: https://jreidtherapy.com/people-pleaser-as-survivor/ ... So its no mystery to me now why I have tucked away my feminine feelings and even my sexual attraction from myself for 34 years before coming out to myself.

To make things worse for myself as a trans woman... my "people pleasing" tendencies has produced a huge social fear and anxiety within me that is making it seem impossible to socially transition let alone come out. Its because if I come out and transition, there is nothing I can do as a people pleaser to make my world work for me. Pair that with dysphoria and I feel like I'm stuck in a 10x10 prison cell with the walls very slowly caving in.

 

So I'm realizing that anyone reading this would likely be quite concerned... yes I am in therapy (weekly sessions) with a gender therapist who understands my whole backstory. She has given me a gender dysphoria diagnosis and is working through pretty much all this and much more with me in our sessions.

[LittleRed]

44 minutes ago, LittleRed said:

Its been really hard to come to grips that I am a trans woman because I often questioned if dysphoria that I was experiencing was even real or if I was just making this up. OMG I hate myself.

 

to clarify, I am not questioning this anymore. I definitely experience dysphoria and its way more real these days than over a year ago when I first came out to myself.

[Robin]

Hi Jennifer,

 

I am glad to hear that you can understand the feelings that I am trying to describe.  There is quite a lot of information available on the internet about emotional trauma, which can be very useful when trying to understand the mysteries of the mind.

 

I have found that with complex trauma, the gender dysphoria becomes part of the mix, and that makes it more awkward to sort out which emotions fit where.  Narcissistic abuse can often distort a person's sense of identity, so knowing who the "real you" is becomes more difficult.  That doesn't mean that your gender identity is not real, it just makes the questioning process a bit more confusing.

 

As with transitioning, overcoming emotional trauma is a journey, and the two can be carried out simultaneously if desired. 

 

Robin.

[TommieAnne]

On 9/26/2019 at 4:25 PM, VickySGV said:

One of the big issues we face is that as males we were trained out of letting our emotions have a place in our lives.  I am twice your age and that negative training is more apparent for what it was, but there may be another face to this as well.  I honestly never could understand the seeming lack of feeling that I came to realize was in my male friends,  A lot of their conversations scared me when it came to dealing with the "non-competitors" such as women and children.  I on the other hand was aware of different feelings, but also was scared that I had them since they did not fit into the "peer pattern" that I had.  As a teen - 20's  I wrote poetry that evoked emotion and never used my then name as the author, although it was usually a variation on my name.  They were my escape at the time, and people felt they were inspirational until they realized I wrote it.  Not pleasant.  Give yourself permission to break the earlier training and since your wife is generally supportive use your time with her to work on sharing feelings without judgment.  It does not have to be flowery language, but "I feel calm" can become "I feel like I am floating on a cool lake in warm sun" and it makes the "calm" more expressive.  Let yourself describe BLUE as azure, or baby blue, navy, or other shades of the color.  One class on woman speak I was in had us use about 8 descriptions of a brown fabric, and just doing that opened up things, because it seemed our brains wanted to work that way.  

 

That sense of fear prompted by the amazing lack of emotion in men around you is something I experienced in the Army. Guys would casually talk about doing harm to other people and I would just cringe.

Since I am very visual, my self expression in art has been my release and escape. Making art has been a way to touch peace and beauty for me all my life.

I have always gravitated towards complex colors, although those are often expressed simply visually.

[Mickey]

For most of my life, I suffered from mild to severe, chronic, clinical depression. So every emotion I had, was filtered through that depression. When I started HRT, and had my first injection of Estradiol, that depression just went away. My depression was caused by the hormone receptors, in my brain, getting the wrong hormone for all those years. When I finally had the right hormone in my system, I no longer suffered from that depression. I can now feel ALL the emotions. And I am a very emotional woman now.

[LittleRed]

2 hours ago, Mickey said:

For most of my life, I suffered from mild to severe, chronic, clinical depression. So every emotion I had, was filtered through that depression. When I started HRT, and had my first injection of Estradiol, that depression just went away. My depression was caused by the hormone receptors, in my brain, getting the wrong hormone for all those years. When I finally had the right hormone in my system, I no longer suffered from that depression. I can now feel ALL the emotions. And I am a very emotional woman now.

 

What you shared feels very hopeful to me. Thank you.

[LittleRed]

11 hours ago, Robin said:

Narcissistic abuse can often distort a person's sense of identity, so knowing who the "real you" is becomes more difficult.  That doesn't mean that your gender identity is not real, it just makes the questioning process a bit more confusing.

 

Robin, this is the second time I have questioned my identity in my adulthood. The first time was ten years ago when I realized that everything about me mirrored the parent who was narsisistic - my likes, dislikes, attitudes, political views, and even the music I listened to. But even worse, at work I mirrored my boss in a much similar way. I realized at the time that I didn't even have the slightest clue who I even was.

 

So sitting in my therapist office a year ago asking questions about my gender was very unsettling. I literally thought I had lost my mind and needed to be in a mental hospital.

 

So all that said, the struggle continues but I'm certain that I do have gender dysphoria and I'm certain that I'm wired as a female.

[Robin]

Hi Jennifer,

 

It is very reassuring to know that I am not the only person in the world with these feelings.  The fact that we have identified the problems means that we can gradually sort them out.

 

Robin.