Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


Confused, indecisive, and wanting peace of mind

Recommended Posts


So I want to start off by saying that I have never talked about this with anyone other than my wife, and even then I haven't been completely honest. So I'll try to give a good short background of an up till now, I was 12 or 13 when my interest in crossdressing started, it wasn't anywhere like it is now but that's as far back as I can remember. I grew up in a heavily dictated Christian household, so obviously this had to be kept under wraps. I have always struggled with my own self image having 0 self confidence in myself and always seemed unfilled in the way I looked. My slim frame never helped with the whole fitting into a male role and I struggled trying sports and always feeling out of place. This turmoil went on a back burner when I meet my wife in highschool and I felt like this was the woman to make a man out of me. Although it did for a while I was at peace with who I was for the first year or so of our marriage. Then it came back, and I started to have the strong urge to cross dress again. I didn't bring it up to my wife because of the obvious fear of rejection and possible divorce. Eventually I got found out and she was upset obviously but she instead helped me try and grasp that maybe it was a fetish thing. It felt right for a while and we got more and more into it getting more clothes, make up, and a really cheap wig. Things settled for a while and it became an outlet when the need arised, but just a few months ago something shattered it and made me question it all. Being in a financial stable place I had convinced her of purchasing a silicone bodysuit. I was ecstatic about it and when it arrived we planned a night to go all out. I put the suit on, she helped with the makeup and cloths, and when I put on the wig and looked in the mirror... I feel in love with the woman I saw, I felt beautiful, I felt some self worth that I hadn't ever felt to this level my whole life. Instead of that happiness remaining fear quickly over took me. I hid it the whole night from her but that was the last time we have messed with it. I haven't cross dressed in a few months since then not wanting to cause more turmoil then I have already felt. Since then I have had on and off bouts of wrestling with myself and trying not to just breakdown. I have already done alot of research and digging into this and instead of the internet trying to diagnose me I have found that finding a therapist, and/or finding a forum to open up and talk with other people was the best options. Which is why I'm here, I know I should talk with her about all this but I feel like this is going to be what breaks it, I love her so much that I can't lose her. If I go to therapy there is a good chance she will find out and I'll have to talk to her. However I wanted to first share my story and my confliction to gain insight and opinions of, will it get worse? Can it get better? Is it a gender identity? Is it worth the risk of ruining my marriage? 


Thank you in advance for hearing me out 

Share this post

Link to post

Hello Matt and welcome!   Your fear is real and I think finding a therapist that specializes in gender would be a good choice on your part.  I know it can be scary but also an epiphany, when we first see the woman in the mirror.  Your mind races and you don't know which way to turn.  Since your wife already knows about the CD I think you can bring this up about how you are frightened to think where this is going.  She has probably already had those thoughts herself.   Will it get worse?  Well, it will not go away as you have already learned.  It (the urge to dress or even transition) may get stronger.  You should find a counselor to assist you in working these thoughts out and to come to a plan of action.  ...for whatever direction you take.


Hugs, Jani   

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Hello, Matt, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  You received some excellent advice from Jani.  I think there is a chance that your wife might be concerned about you suddenly going silent about CDing, but perhaps unsure about bringing the matter up with you.  Of course, I am just speculating here.  I think the best approach is open and honest communication between you.  You know that she has been accepting about your cross dressing, so telling her you want to see a therapist to help with your conflicted feelings about the issue is true (to a point).


If you still aren't sure about it, then being here is a good choice, too.  We'll certainly help you all that we can.  Please feel free to post your questions and concerns.




Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 83 Guests (See full list)

    • Ronin82
    • SaraAW
    • MaryEllen
    • nitehwk
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • NB Adult
      What more can we ask for? Being a grandparent is absolutely the very best! Being a parent is sometimes an "I don't know" sort of thing. It can be very trying!
    • Willow
      Hi everyone,   Thanks for the words of encouragement regarding my recent boating issues.     My Endocrinologist reviewed my lasted blood work and said to keep v=everything the same for now.  That means that my body is accepting the medication and dosages he has prescribed, so good news.   Visiting our daughter and granddaughters for the next two weeks.   Willow 
    • Jani
      IMO you may be over analyzing this.  Is this fetish/porn thing just a vehicle to abate the dysphoria you feel?  As Vicky suggests don't let the erotic stuff cloud the thought process about your identity.  The dysphoria you felt in younger years may have returned after periods of dormancy for any number of reasons.  Many of us older transitioners somehow survived through this until it got too hard to hold back/bear/deny (fill in your own reason).   
    • Steph1982
      Lots of good info here and thank you for taking the time to respond.    I guess my biggest struggle right now is fetish vs who I am because there was a middle period in my life where I did not have dysphoria so why is it raging now? I'm wondering if maybe by introducing the pornography I've somehow created a gateway for the dysphoria I had in childhood to return or maybe I've just developed a weird kink at this point.    Thanks for not being judgy and sharing your experiences and offering advice. I appreciate this information a lot from all of you. 
    • Jani
    • VickySGV
      There are three tests that point to it being Gender Dysphoria: Do you keep coming back to the question of if you are Trans or NOT?  (Persistent) Has this question been with you over the years and you have not clearly accepted your birth gender? (Consistent) Each time you think about it, does the question become more urgent and nagging toward change in your life? (Insistent)   If you can answer yes to those questions in all honesty, get yourself in to a Therapist that deals with gender identity patients.  The erotic responses are a whole trawler load of red herrings that confuse the whole thing but people think anything weird is a sexual turn on, and if it is, then it is bad, when it really is not.  I have friends who are fetishists and it is not living life as the opposite gender, it is strictly being their birth gender doing weird things and getting a pseudo sexual response from their bods. Miss a session this weekend and next will be fine for them.  For us there will be the comfort of the entire image that we need each day to our own levels and is not always "sexy."
    • Cyndee
      @Josie Beth - very nice track !   50 years ago, this track was spot on, it still sounds great today....   "Because you know, the darkest hour is always, always  just before the dawn...."
    • Jackie C.
      Pretty sure it was just me being careless. I'm almost sure I would have noticed if anyone was lurking in my cramped little study with me. At least the cat would have looked up. I am humbled by my ineptitude but raised up again by your understanding and, hopefully, forgiveness.   Hugs!
    • Jani
      Ah the spelling thieves caught you again, substituting unwanted letters!! 
    • Jackie C.
      THINK. That was totally supposed to be think. "Pretty eyebrows are more important than people think."   You still look fantastic.   Hugs!
    • NB Adult
      I can totally relate Sandra and I concur with Jackie's comment!
    • Jani
      Hello Steph.     Sorry to hear you're going through all this but it seems it is the path we take to happiness.  Charlize is spot on that no one here will find anything you've written to be odd.  I am also still married (40+ years).  Life is different but good.  I have no interest in guys.  Remember that Gender and Sexuality are two different things.    Jackie's post is honest and that is what we need to be with ourselves.  I also suggest finding a gender therapist to speak with.  While I never considered this to be something of value, I was wrong.  It did wonders for me.  She also wrote about a new approach to her health.  This is something many find to be important as we live the life we truly want.  No more destructive behaviors!   Is this a fetish?  I wouldn't say so.  Its part of the struggle your identity goes through to get to the top.  Are you cis or transgender?  Cis-gender people don't question their gender, ever.  Is this hard (admitting you need to do something)?  And actually taking steps?  Yes it is but it gets easier as you progress along and things seem to fall into place.  You are much younger than I so you have many years to enjoy living honestly as YOU!   Set a goal to look into help.  The end result is whatever you deem necessary.  There is no firm prescription for success.  And join in the conversation here as I believe you will find many likeminded souls on this journey.   Cheers, Jani     
    • Jackie C.
      Lovely! Pretty eyebrows are more important than people thing. Congratulations!   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Dysphoria can be hard to grasp if you've never had to deal with it yourself. Give her some time. It sounds like she loves you and in the end, that's enough.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Hi, trans-lesbian here. I totally understand what you're going through. Let's see...   Until I got big enough to wear mom's things, I'd turn my underwear around and use my imagination. I have an excellent imagination. Tucking was easier then too.   The rush of hormones into the teen years (plus extra steroids because mother didn't want to deal with my OTHER health problems) kept the dysphoria down to a dull roar, so check. I'm still attracted to women so it wasn't all bad, but I still give off a certain something and cis-women pick up on it. I had a lot of female friends, but I couldn't buy a real, romantic date.   Then I spiraled into a self-destructive cyclone of depression so you don't have that working against you. Good news! Don't try that by the way. I do not recommend the spiral of depression. I was miserable and made everybody around me miserable. During the spiral there was very much a porn phase. I'd dream that I was like the trans women (I tend to prefer cartoons/artwork, anything can happen in a cartoon) or that I'd become a woman to achieve release. I'll be honest. Those were intense and got me through the day, but they didn't really make the dysphoria go away. The refrain for my life was, "Gosh, I'd have made an excellent woman." So yeah, depression, slow march towards death. I didn't pay any attention to my health (also a terrible idea, but I was committing suicide in slow motion) and didn't pay any attention to my appearance. I didn't follow any of my passions. I didn't follow up on any of my projects. Life for me was just waiting for it to be over. I was miserable. I made the people around me pretty miserable too. Don't do that part. That was a terrible, awful, no good part of my life and I'm glad to be past it.   So what did I do? The first thing was embrace who I am. I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was, so I waited until my wife was out of town for a while, got some prosthetic help and dressed (Badly. There are pictures.I attached one because life is a journey or something. ) the way that felt right. It was amazing. It's still amazing. I greet myself every morning with a smile. So yeah, that used to be me. About two years ago for reference.   Let's see, after that I got a therapist. I recommend this very strongly. You want someone to talk to when you're dealing with this. Then I got into shape. Well, I'm still getting into shape but I completely changed my diet, I watch my calories and I go to the gym five times a week for about two and a half hours per session. (I started with an hour a day, if I'd done my routine now when I started, my heart would have exploded. Consult a doctor if you're not sure.)   Then was coming out to people. My wife was first. I've told this story before, but it was important to me that she know. My wife is awesome. She accepted me as I am. I'm still the person she married and she still loves me. I rushed into this part because I was so happy and I wanted to share my happiness with her. My friends were next and they were easier than I would have thought. They basically said, "Well duh," and we moved past it. I did give them ample warning before I sprung anything new on them (For example: Hey, I'm dressing as Robyn this week. Let me know if that makes you uncomfortable.) Family was harder. Mom cut me out of her life. My appearance "is disturbing." Dad's fine with it, but he has to live with mom so there's that. Fortunately, my mother is an incredibly toxic individual so it's not much of a loss. Work is a non-issue for me. I work from home. Nobody cares. Your profile doesn't list a state, so I can't say if you have any trans protections where you're from. I talk to TLDEF (Trans Legal Defense) and the pro-bono lawyer they set me up with when I have questions along those lines. I completely get being nervous about coming out to people. You never know how they'll react. It was probably the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done, but I needed to do it to get where I wanted to be. I got through it and I'm better for the experience.   So my advice would be to find a therapist and work out what makes you happy. If you want to transition, figure out what you need to pursue it. If you don't, that's fine too. I have a friend who is only "Jenny" on the weekends and for special events and she's perfectly happy that way. Find the balance that's right for you. Live your best life.   I hope some of that helped. I ramble. I blame the estrogen.   Hugs!  
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...