Deadnaming/'Misgendering Conundrum

[Susan R]

Hello community...I was going to present two recent issue but apparently one has or at least will be corrected soon.  The issues had to do with two special individuals and their inability to properly gender me or call me by my correct name.

 

As mentioned above my first issue is now unexpectedly solved but I'll explain that situation anyhow.  Maybe it'll give some of you some insight on my current issue and how I can solve it smoothly.

 

My older guy neighbor of mine across the way has always been very chummy with me.  He has always called over to me when he and I are both outside as "hey Bro, how the heck are you".  When we would come over to say hi and to chat with each other, he would initiate a manly fist bump or shoulder bump like guys do on occasion. This was fine before transitioning.  Since May when I came out to everyone, this stuff was still happening even after having him over, explaining my life Changes, asking him to call me Susan.  If I walk past his house (presenting female, of course) it's still, "Hey Bro".  His neighbors have all noticed this and just say to me later in the day..."he's old and set in his ways...he forgets so please don't take it personally".

 

He's such a nice guy but I wasn't sure what to do.  A few weeks ago, he was at a church near my house.  I was doing my daily walk and there were a few dozen parishioners with him out in front.  As I walked by, he did it again, "Hey Bro!"  Half the crowd looked perplexed but maybe it was my insecurity..who knows?  I talked to my wife about this and she said it's going to have to be addressed.  Well a few days ago something strange happened.  I walked by his house doing my daily walk and he unexpectedly came up to me and gave me a great big hug.  Afterwards he said to me, "I am so sorry.  I realized that I may be making you uncomfortable calling you bro and calling you XXXX (dead name).  Would you prefer I stop doing that?"  I wanted to answer in a sarcastic snarky manner but he was being very sincere and apologetic so I just said, "Yes, if you would, I'd really appreciate it especially when other people are around."  And that was that.  Everything has been great the last few days.  I suspect someone (maybe my wife or a neighbor) finally and gently said something to him.  I'm not sure exactly who but it was much appreciated.

 

So, my current issue is very similar in the fact that I'm dealing with an 80 year old colleague friend of mine that I've known half my life.  I may have mentioned on this forum about how we met coincidently in Seattle on a street corner shortly after I finally came out to him in an email/PDF.  When I ran into him that day in downtown Seattle, we had decided to have our wives join us at a restaurant near his home about 45 mins South of where I live.  We've been emailing back and forth but he keeps using my old male email adddress.  I finally had to set up a block and bounce specifically on that email account for his email address just to force him to use my susan account.  It must have worked because now he calls me instead of emailing me even though I've given him my new email several times.  He still calls me XXXX (dead name).  We are going to dinner in 2 weeks and I want to nip this in the bud before the dinner if possible through email or phone call.  I don't really want to be called XXXX (dead name) while at dinner.  He has said to meDoes anyone have an ideas about how to bring this up?  The proper wording or approach to dealing with this specific situation would be great.  Keep in mind, he is not doing this to hurt me and it's not worth it to me to lose the relationship so it's critical it's done with love and care.

 

Any help or ideas would be much appreciated,

Susan R?

[Jackie C.]

Personally, I'd wait until he did it, then in my very gentle voice say, "I'm sorry, but my name is Susan now. It hurts me when you use my old name and I'd appreciate it if you would try to use Susan from now on. I understand that we've known each other forever and you're bound to slip up, but if you were making the effort, it would mean the world to me."

 

Then I would smile sweetly and move on with my evening. Perhaps gesturing him to continue if I interrupted him.

 

I know, I'm kind of passive but I find that approach works for me. I hope that helps!

 

Hugs!

[VickySGV]

The second one can work one of two ways as has gone on with me.  My youngest brother who is 12 years younger than me still refers to me as brother and "him" sometimes in restaurants.  He looks older than I do although it is the opposite.  In a number of the places it happens, people know me already and every now and he is the one that gets the strange looks and a couple of the wait staff have made a point of letting him know he confused them. A couple of them have said I am his younger sister to him. As said it goes into his court on that one and I leave things alone.  A "who are you talking about"?:  gets him onto the right track, and he is mildly embarrassed about it and it lasts the event.   Our other brother who is between us age wise gets the pronouns right.  

If you do it one on one, -- "My name now is Susan and I use female pronouns it is better and safer for both of us if you use them for me."  (Say that in a serious but not angry voice but smile at the end in friendship.) Next level "Trans women like me make some people uncomfortable and they have hurt us physically using Susan and my pronouns will help keep that from happening.."

[NB Adult]

There's really no good excuse for anyone either male of female to continue to disrespect anyone in that fashion. It's nothing more than willful in-your-face behavior and they will continue to do it until you address it in a firm but polite manner. A former friend of the "Hey man" fist bumping masculine show off type clapped the palm of his hand across my chest in one of his macho greetings, it made my eyes cross. I reverted to my old self for a few seconds and stomped hard on the instep of his foot and gave him a swift knee in the nads. Suffice it to say that formerly long term friendship is long over. I don't advise doing what I did, it wasn't the right way to handle it. We do need to not allow ourselves to become angry but demand that they give us due respect.

[Drea]

Is he trying to be nasty or, simply doesn't get it, or an old dog having trouble?  I tend to assume the latter if he is being civil.

 

Good news is that these things do tend to sort themselves out on their own over time.  Communication on the phone and email tends not to drive home the point.  It is easy for one to essentially ignore the elephant in the room.

 

So you are going out and having your wives with you.  This is a public face to face setting.  That is quite a different than email or phone.  Does his wife know of your new name and such?

 

Depending on your confidence in yourself, confidence your presentation and most of all your personal comfort, you might want to consider letting him discover his error over dinner.

 

It will be hard for him to maintain old names and ways when reality is staring him in his face.  Keep in mind that while use of your old name or wrong pronoun is going to be jarring to you.  Others who don't know you like the public and employees at the restaurant will be confused.  And the difference between he and she is so minor that people hear it wrong all the time.  They hear what they expect.  So in the public context he will seem the one that is odd.  His wife should realize this too and may correct him for you.   Public settings like that tend to drive home how odd it is to use old names.

 

My grandmother had trouble adapting and would sometimes revert (always in public) and I would give her a weird half smile, half grimace sort of look and she would realize she made an error again.  It became a sort of joke.  So in those settings you can resort to non-verbal cues to highlight the oddness and difficulty it causes you.

 

I am not advocating this as THE way to approach it, but offering a different view.  The risk of course is that he uses your old name and pronouns and this not only bothers you but also bothers, possibly embarrasses your wife.  So she is an important partner in this as to her feelings.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

[Jani]

Susan, when you meet up at the restaurant before you go inside, kindly remind him that XXX is gone and you are Susan and would greatly appreciate being addressed as such.  This way you address it one on one, quietly; not to insult or hurt him.  How he reacts will set the course for the rest of the relationship.   On another note, as he is 80 if he does mis-speak he will be seen as out of sorts.  

 

I hope the meeting goes well.

Jani

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Drea said:

So you are going out and having your wives with you.  This is a public face to face setting.  That is quite a different than email or phone.  Does his wife know of your new name and such?

Drea, this is the case.  The wives will be there.  His wife knows my previous name and has been given my complete story...name and all.  Although I have not spoken to her directly yet.  I actually do not know what her reaction was when she first found out about my transition or how she feels now.  From my experience, people's reactions do tend to change at least slightly from their initial reaction.  My friend is old (mentally) but his wife is only 5-6 years my senior so I'm sure she will be ok with not misgemdering or dead naming me.  She may even correct him if he makes a mistake.

 

5 hours ago, NB Adult said:

A former friend of the "Hey man" fist bumping masculine show off type clapped the palm of his hand across my chest in one of his macho greetings, it made my eyes cross. I reverted to my old self for a few seconds and stomped hard on the instep of his foot and gave him a swift knee in the nads. Suffice it to say that formerly long term friendship is long over.

Ouch, remind me to not make the same mistake if we ever meet.  It's probably safe to assume your former friend has no new children. Seriously though, this friend of mine is just old.  There is no ill intent on his part.  It is part laziness though.  He could make more of an effort, for sure.  I forgot to mention one thing he said to me after I met him coincidently in Seattle, "You'll always be XXXX to me" which was his indirect way of saying he was close to me but I said to him, I know but my name is Susan now and I'm hoping you can use that.  It wasn't 10 mins later when he said,  "It was such a nice surprise to see you both and XXXX, I'll talk to you later this week."

 

22 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Personally, I'd wait until he did it, then in my very gentle voice say, "I'm sorry, but my name is Susan now.

I think I would like to work some preventative magic prior to this evening or at least before sitting down to eat.  I may have to do this during the meal but I'm hoping to not make a scene or create an awkward moment.

 

3 hours ago, Jani said:

Susan, when you meet up at the restaurant before you go inside, kindly remind him that XXX is gone and you are Susan and would greatly appreciate being addressed as such.

 

22 hours ago, VickySGV said:

If you do it one on one, -- "My name now is Susan and I use female pronouns it is better and safer for both of us if you use them for me."  (Say that in a serious but not angry voice but smile at the end in friendship.) Next level "Trans women like me make some people uncomfortable and they have hurt us physically using Susan and my pronouns will help keep that from happening.."

Jani's timing on when to mention it along with a kind reminder of who I am along with Vicki's escalation plan seem to be the best solutions for me.  I can address it other ways like Vicki mentioned if it happens once we're all seated.  The wording if it gets escalated sounds very good too.  It's serious enough but not condoning of his past behavior specifically.

 

I have some great ideas here.  If anyone has anything else they want to point out or add, great but I have enough to work with here.  Thank you all for your input it's much appreciated.

 

SusanR?

 

 

[NB Adult]

Wishing you the very best and hope that your anxiety over this subsides before you meet them.

[Lexi C]

Hey Susan yeah that being happening to me several times.these past months or someone would say, " So what do I call you now?".", that's way I keep my name  as Alex...So when someone calls me Bro or What up dude or man..I just turn to them and Say." I am sorry would you mine just calling me Alex." As everyone above mention, I do it in soft, friendly, non threatening voice. If they get umcomfortable, I reassure I am not offended, but from this point on it would make me happy if you just call me Alex. So far so good..One client still dose but his 70yrs with ptsd  from Korean War and forgets his own name and I kinda feel sorry for him so I let it go. good luck hope that helps..