Looking for answers, going to be honest

[Steph1982]

This is kind of embarrassing but I just need to know if anyone else has had similar issues and what  they have found out about themselves. I'm going to kinda timeline this just to shorten this as much as possible. 

 

Ages 4-10: Around these ages I always felt like a girl. I'd wanna play female characters, I'd sneak in my mom's room and put on her nighties and wear panties and pantyhose under my boy clothes. I would dream about waking up a girl. There wasnt a sexual component at this stage. 

 

13ish - 27ish: Relatively normal life, dysphoria gone. I had been with girls,  got married,  basically typical normal boy life. But I always kinda felt like something was off but never really put a finger  in it. 

 

28 to present (so lasr 10 years of my life): I started looking into myself more and realized different things.  I shaved my whole body. Still do and found that it felt right to me feeling feminine. I started wearing my then wife's clothes just like when I was a boy but this time there WAS a sexual component which brings me to the embarrassment part.  

 

Once I rediscovered my past it was like I whole again but I started developing kinks. I didn't like playing Male roles bc I felt like a girl so I wanted my wife to be the top etc... she of course didn't want to do that so I turned to porn... that's when I discovered trans and what they call sissy porn. So embarrassing but I loved it. ..it was kinda demeaning but I just liked the relief it gave me sexually I became addicted to them,  I still do go back to them often when dysphoria is strong. 

 

Immediately after relieving myself watching porn my dysphoria is 100% gone,  I'm almost like ashamed I even did that and kinda say to myself that's it no more ... but seriously no more than 10 mins later my dysphoria is back and once again I'm back wearing my girl clothes for the day bc i feel better in them. 

 

I've asked myself questions like if your could be a girl and society,  family,  and friends would always haves known you as a girl and not a boy would you? Yes, I would. 

 

Then i ask why are you not acting on any of this? And it's bc it's hard. Being more open and girly is great for how I feel inside but it also introduces new stresses in my life from employment issues, loss of friends or family etc so I think maybe I'm using porn as a coping mechanism. 

 

Another weird thing is I watch this weird porn but I'm not attracted to men sexually. So I think to myself I can't be trans bc I don't like men. I've recently been researching that and found trans lesbians are a thing and it was like a omg moment for me... like maybe I'm trans lesbian because that seems like the perfect relationship for me.  I get to be a girl with a girl... just like I wanted with my now ex wife so many years ago. 

 

Anyone else experience this? Like I'm confused...do I just have a bad fetish or am I trans? Has anyone else been stuck in this weird fetish rut? It's embarrassing to talk about but thought it would be safer to talk about it here without judgement,  hopefully. 

 

 

 

[Charlize]

I doubt any here will find your post anything other than honest.  I have felt many of the feelings you describe over time.  My wife and i now live happily together as two women. Take your time.  Enjoy your time here.  I found help and support as i opened up and read about the journeys others were taking.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

Hi, trans-lesbian here. I totally understand what you're going through. Let's see...

 

Until I got big enough to wear mom's things, I'd turn my underwear around and use my imagination. I have an excellent imagination. Tucking was easier then too.

 

The rush of hormones into the teen years (plus extra steroids because mother didn't want to deal with my OTHER health problems) kept the dysphoria down to a dull roar, so check. I'm still attracted to women so it wasn't all bad, but I still give off a certain something and cis-women pick up on it. I had a lot of female friends, but I couldn't buy a real, romantic date.

 

Then I spiraled into a self-destructive cyclone of depression so you don't have that working against you. Good news! Don't try that by the way. I do not recommend the spiral of depression. I was miserable and made everybody around me miserable. During the spiral there was very much a porn phase. I'd dream that I was like the trans women (I tend to prefer cartoons/artwork, anything can happen in a cartoon) or that I'd become a woman to achieve release. I'll be honest. Those were intense and got me through the day, but they didn't really make the dysphoria go away. The refrain for my life was, "Gosh, I'd have made an excellent woman." So yeah, depression, slow march towards death. I didn't pay any attention to my health (also a terrible idea, but I was committing suicide in slow motion) and didn't pay any attention to my appearance. I didn't follow any of my passions. I didn't follow up on any of my projects. Life for me was just waiting for it to be over. I was miserable. I made the people around me pretty miserable too. Don't do that part. That was a terrible, awful, no good part of my life and I'm glad to be past it.

 

So what did I do? The first thing was embrace who I am. I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was, so I waited until my wife was out of town for a while, got some prosthetic help and dressed (Badly. There are pictures.I attached one because life is a journey or something. ) the way that felt right. It was amazing. It's still amazing. I greet myself every morning with a smile.

So yeah, that used to be me. About two years ago for reference.

 

Let's see, after that I got a therapist. I recommend this very strongly. You want someone to talk to when you're dealing with this. Then I got into shape. Well, I'm still getting into shape but I completely changed my diet, I watch my calories and I go to the gym five times a week for about two and a half hours per session. (I started with an hour a day, if I'd done my routine now when I started, my heart would have exploded. Consult a doctor if you're not sure.)

 

Then was coming out to people. My wife was first. I've told this story before, but it was important to me that she know. My wife is awesome. She accepted me as I am. I'm still the person she married and she still loves me. I rushed into this part because I was so happy and I wanted to share my happiness with her.

My friends were next and they were easier than I would have thought. They basically said, "Well duh," and we moved past it. I did give them ample warning before I sprung anything new on them (For example: Hey, I'm dressing as Robyn this week. Let me know if that makes you uncomfortable.)

Family was harder. Mom cut me out of her life. My appearance "is disturbing." Dad's fine with it, but he has to live with mom so there's that. Fortunately, my mother is an incredibly toxic individual so it's not much of a loss.

Work is a non-issue for me. I work from home. Nobody cares. Your profile doesn't list a state, so I can't say if you have any trans protections where you're from. I talk to TLDEF (Trans Legal Defense) and the pro-bono lawyer they set me up with when I have questions along those lines.

I completely get being nervous about coming out to people. You never know how they'll react. It was probably the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done, but I needed to do it to get where I wanted to be. I got through it and I'm better for the experience.

 

So my advice would be to find a therapist and work out what makes you happy. If you want to transition, figure out what you need to pursue it. If you don't, that's fine too. I have a friend who is only "Jenny" on the weekends and for special events and she's perfectly happy that way. Find the balance that's right for you. Live your best life.

 

I hope some of that helped. I ramble. I blame the estrogen.

 

Hugs!

 

[Jani]

Hello Steph.  

 

Sorry to hear you're going through all this but it seems it is the path we take to happiness.  Charlize is spot on that no one here will find anything you've written to be odd.  I am also still married (40+ years).  Life is different but good.  I have no interest in guys.  Remember that Gender and Sexuality are two different things. 

 

Jackie's post is honest and that is what we need to be with ourselves.  I also suggest finding a gender therapist to speak with.  While I never considered this to be something of value, I was wrong.  It did wonders for me.  She also wrote about a new approach to her health.  This is something many find to be important as we live the life we truly want.  No more destructive behaviors!

 

Is this a fetish?  I wouldn't say so.  Its part of the struggle your identity goes through to get to the top.  Are you cis or transgender?  Cis-gender people don't question their gender, ever.  Is this hard (admitting you need to do something)?  And actually taking steps?  Yes it is but it gets easier as you progress along and things seem to fall into place.  You are much younger than I so you have many years to enjoy living honestly as YOU!

 

Set a goal to look into help.  The end result is whatever you deem necessary.  There is no firm prescription for success.  And join in the conversation here as I believe you will find many likeminded souls on this journey.

 

Cheers, Jani  

  

[VickySGV]

There are three tests that point to it being Gender Dysphoria:

Do you keep coming back to the question of if you are Trans or NOT?  (Persistent)

Has this question been with you over the years and you have not clearly accepted your birth gender? (Consistent)

Each time you think about it, does the question become more urgent and nagging toward change in your life? (Insistent)

 

If you can answer yes to those questions in all honesty, get yourself in to a Therapist that deals with gender identity patients.  The erotic responses are a whole trawler load of red herrings that confuse the whole thing but people think anything weird is a sexual turn on, and if it is, then it is bad, when it really is not.  I have friends who are fetishists and it is not living life as the opposite gender, it is strictly being their birth gender doing weird things and getting a pseudo sexual response from their bods. Miss a session this weekend and next will be fine for them.  For us there will be the comfort of the entire image that we need each day to our own levels and is not always "sexy."

[Steph1982]

Lots of good info here and thank you for taking the time to respond. 

 

I guess my biggest struggle right now is fetish vs who I am because there was a middle period in my life where I did not have dysphoria so why is it raging now? I'm wondering if maybe by introducing the pornography I've somehow created a gateway for the dysphoria I had in childhood to return or maybe I've just developed a weird kink at this point. 

 

Thanks for not being judgy and sharing your experiences and offering advice. I appreciate this information a lot from all of you. 

[Jani]

IMO you may be over analyzing this.  Is this fetish/porn thing just a vehicle to abate the dysphoria you feel?  As Vicky suggests don't let the erotic stuff cloud the thought process about your identity.  The dysphoria you felt in younger years may have returned after periods of dormancy for any number of reasons.  Many of us older transitioners somehow survived through this until it got too hard to hold back/bear/deny (fill in your own reason).   

[VickySGV]

22 hours ago, Steph1982 said:

I guess my biggest struggle right now is fetish vs who I am because there was a middle period in my life where I did not have dysphoria

 

Good bet that you were too darn busy to think about it other than in passing, I and many others got so heavily involved that we really did not and could not think about it, but it was constantly in our lives without it being on top of the stack.  Porn brings you back to yourself and so have some life events you mention, and that ornery little GD alligator reached out and grabs you.  All the more reason to find a Gender Therapist.  Porn is a fantasy not a reality, and you need the reality.  @Jani  is right in suspecting that you are overthinking this and not moving on to discovery of where it will take you. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Steph,

 

When I was young, childhood through my school years, I wanted to be a girl. Never knew a thing about transgender back then, I just wished I was a girl. I raided my sisters wardrobe as much as I could. About the time I got out of school, social pressure back then induced me to "man up". For years I lived life as a man. Except for an occasional bout which I thought of as a relapse, I emersed myself in the male life I was living. Any thoughts or feelings I would have about being a girl I dismissed as being perversion (they are not perversion). I did "manly" things. I became a woodsman,  going out in the forest cutting firewood, splitting it up with a wood maul. Things like that. Without really considering it, I was guarding against Carla, the girl I wanted to be somewhere down deep inside.

 

Then Carla exploded back into my life. I had kept her caged for many years. She had tried to sneak out occasionally, but I always caught her and put her back. But this time she came out and would not be put back. 

 

I'm telling you my story so that you might see some parallel. Our gender issues can go into a state of dormancy, or semi dormancy for some years, and then come back again. It's really not unusual. After Carla (my name) returned, I spent quite a bit of time searching high and low for any evidence I could find to prove that I wasn't trans. I couldn't find any, and finally, with help, accepted my real self as Carla.

 

The fact that you can't put the question about being trans to rest is a strong clue. Realizing we are trans can be a frightening realization. And we can doubt or resist that acceptance out of that fright. The thing I've learned in my experience was to stop running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to find answers and proofs, and slow down. Answers and proofs will come at their own pace. You've taken a good step in joining this community. A gender therapist could prove another good step. But whatever you choose to do, you are no longer alone in this. We are here. Continue asking questions, continue talking, continue being a part of things here. It can really help not being alone.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Steph1982]

Lots of good information here and I appreciate all of you sharing your journey. Right now I think I'm at that questioning stage and perhaps trying to find ways to show myself I'm not ttans. I do agree that I'm not cis gender but just exploring and reading all your journies to ultimately find out where I fall on the gender scale. Thanks everyone:)