I came to this website a little over a year ago and am still not sure who I am. Is that normal?

[hmillerrr]

Hello!

A little over a year ago I came to this site questioning my gender and from that point forward I just identified as trans. It felt right, familiar, and just needed. But now almost a year and half later nothing has changed. I still haven't come out publicly just to close friends and family. and I'm still questioning who I am. At this point something just feels off. I don't why it's taken me this long? Maybe it's my minds way of telling me that this isn't what I want? Why am I so ashamed why is me being trans such a dirty little secret? I feel like it might be because I'm so afraid I might be wrong that I don't want to regret coming out. And that Just doesn't seem right to me. After almost a year and a half I don't think I should still be so unsure. The reason I'm writing this is because I read an article about a woman who transitioned to male and then detransitioned and there were something she said that really stood out. She said that she always had some aversion and shame surrounded by the word -lesbian- and that it just kind of felt bitter in her mouth and I 100000% agree with that. So now I'm thinking that maybe it's not being trans that I need to accept maybe it's being "a -lesbian-" and not feel shame in that . There are other parts of me where I feel really bad for months and will watch a teenage boy on a show and will think about it for days. Because I feel robbed, robbed that I didnt get to live my life as a boy and had to spend my childhood as a girl. But I don't know... Maybe I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure dysphoria is supposed to be a constant thing and not just come in waves. I don't know.. I feel like after this long I should have made some progress but I haven't. Why am I so afraid to tell people? is it internalized transphobia? Or is it because deep down I know I'm wrong and am not willing to make that mistake? I don't know and I've had so many people tell me it's subjective but I really am just looking for honest opinions at this point. If someone could please provide that for me id really appreciate it. I'm tired of feeling this way. 

 

 

thank you.

[Charlize]

I'm going to say as a start that the term "normal" rarely fits anything except for defining a setting on my washing machine.

I had lived 63 years prior to transition.  Dysphoria disappeared for years.  Life, hormones, fear and a host of circumstances kept me from moving forward.

i've had to learn how to accept folks seeing me as a lesbian now.  Odd but as a heterosexual trans woman.......  Perhaps in the past when trans issues were rarely or ever discussed knowing i wasn't a gay male made accepting my gender even more difficult.  

I might suggest that you see a gender therapist.  Mine was a great help for me.  Transition is certainly not for everyone.  There is also no timeline in a world of constant change.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Charlize is correct about what is normal.  As to moving forward, I take you have not been seeing a therapist.  This really is important as having someone to talk with that is impartial would greatly help you sort out your feelings and help you determine a direction.  Until you can connect with a counselor please try not to beat yourself up.  Its not productive.  Accept yourself as you are.  Its OK to be you.  

 

If you do make a decision to transition, there will be time to stop if you feel it isn't what you want or the pressure is higher than expected.  Don't measure yourself using someone else's yardstick.  This is your life and your choices are all that matter. 

 

As to internalized phobia, yes is can be true, but again speaking with a professional would help you come to an understanding.  Until then, be kind to yourself.  

[NB Adult]

Charlize's comments rather mirror my own experience, though I started earlier, took a four year sabbatical and as it never goes away, I am baaack!

[Jackie C.]

Charlize and Jani are both right. What's normal anyway? What's normal for me isn't normal for you. We're all individuals and that's fantastic. You should definitely talk to a therapist. I put that off for a very long time and I very much regret it. I know that in the states we use that as a slur, "Get help. Professional help." ... at least we did when I was younger, I'm not sure about now ... anyway, there's no shame in getting a leg up when you need it. Success rarely happens without extra hands.

 

Once you get your head together, you can start thinking about how you want to move forward. I have friends that present as one gender or the other as the mood strikes them. I have friends that want to transition. I have friends who would rather not express their gender at all. It's all fine. Really, you can only just be you. Being authentically you is a big step towards feeling happy in my humble opinion. It worked wonders for me.

 

In the meantime, you can ask us pretty much anything. I'm sure someone will chirp up.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

We are all born with certain proclivities that are inherent in our DNA which includes sexual attractions and any of the gender variations that we may feel, it's what makes us human. Familial  and societal beliefs become a part of the pressures put on us to conform and as we step outside of the confines of those boundaries and explore beyond those "norms", then we are suddenly confronted with guilt feelings, this too is normal. Being attracted to someone with the same gender shouldn't be such a problem once you internalize those realities in your own inner being. Personally I would suggest dealing with that before submitting to a lot of probably unnecessary surgeries while trying to discover yourself, because initially it is an internal issue that needs to be resolved first. 

[Dana Michelle]

I was unsure for a long time and I was worried about the chance that I might feel the need to detransition. I didn't finally decide to start transitioning until 10 years after I started therapy. I've been on hormones one and a half years now and I only regret not starting sooner. The dysphoria has come in waves for me. I went through periods of time where the dysphoria was less severe and times where it was more severe. I have also wondered if I was "really" transgender since it didn't feel as obvious as I thought it should.

 

Though I cannot give you any certain answers, and I cannot tell you if you should or should not transition, your statement, "Because I feel robbed, robbed that I didnt get to live my life as a boy and had to spend my childhood as a girl," sounds like the kind of thing I think most transgender people feel.

 

[Jackie C.]

I

9 hours ago, hmillerrr said:

Because I feel robbed, robbed that I didnt get to live my life as a boy and had to spend my childhood as a girl. But I don't know...

 

Definitely been there. I try not to dwell, because I can't fix it, but there are so very many things I feel I've been cheated out of. It's not like there haven't been good things in my life too. If I'd been born right, I probably would never have met my wife for example. All you can do is learn and move on.

 

49 minutes ago, Dana Michelle said:

I was unsure for a long time and I was worried about the chance that I might feel the need to detransition. I didn't finally decide to start transitioning until 10 years after I started therapy. I've been on hormones one and a half years now and I only regret not starting sooner. The dysphoria has come in waves for me. I went through periods of time where the dysphoria was less severe and times where it was more severe. I have also wondered if I was "really" transgender since it didn't feel as obvious as I thought it should.

 

This is very important too. Go at your own pace. Figure out what you need to do, then do it. A little uncertainty is normal. Dysphoria is a big, scary monster. The way you handle a big scary monster is to gather some allies and figure out what you need to do to defeat it. Nothing is so scary when you have friends at your side.

 

Hugs!

[hmillerrr]

You guys have all helped me so much. I first came to you guys for support and this forum was the first place I allowed myself to not feel shame and for that I'm immensely grateful. Thank you all for your support. I often feel like I let shame dictate my identity and all I know is I feel more like myself when I feel made to be heard and valid. Thank you guys. @Jackie C. @Dana Michelle @NB Adult @Jani @Charlize