I don’t know what I am!

[EZDoesIt]

Hello all, 

im new here so I’ll give a brief introduction and then hopefully someone else can provide some insight to help me. This is probably addressed in here somewhere but I couldn’t find a forum that’s EXACTLY like me, so I apologize if this is “old boring news”.

I was born female. I’m 37 years old. For my ENTIRE LIFE (I have vivid memories of as young as 3&4 on this subject) I have felt unlike other females. I knew I was different and preferred playing with the boys in school, wearing male clothing, playing sports, etc. I come from a small southern town and was labeled a “tomboy” so I get that’s all it was as a young kid. I played on an all boys baseball league (girls didn’t play sports 37 years ago where I’m from) and absolutely felt at home. I cut my hair short, wore hats CONSTANTLY, and was proud to be the only girl. I LOVED when people would mistake me for a boy. It made my mother mad, of course, and around age 12-13 she made me quit playing with the boys, saying they were getting too big for me and I was going to get hurt. I was devastated and went into a deep depression. This was about the same time I started spending a lot of time with my “best friend” and started realizing I was attracted to females. I went to college on a softball scholarship and you can imagine I kind of went wild exploring what life was like without mommy telling me what I can and can’t do, being out of my tiny town, and around a lot of people like me. There’s a lot to that story but not important in this case. I “came out” and started identifying as lesbian about 15 years old and have lived that way not really thinking TOO much into it most of the time, besides “issues” with sex and my body image. I should note that I’m not SUPER dysphoric about my anatomy.... I have always had a CONSTANT need for more muscle and pride myself in being very “in shape” and athletic. I don’t want “girl muscles”.... I’ve done pretty much everything possible to get BIG masculine looking muscles. I played professional sports for 9 years and due to that and various other extreme activities, I have had quite a few surgeries and injuries that require me to be on chronic pain medications and forced me to stop playing competitive sports. I’m a career fireman so I need to stay as mobile and healthy as possible to serve my community. My muscle mass has suffered quite a bit and severe anxiety has crept in with no outlet for stress and losing a part of myself. I started taking anxiety medications daily. I did meet my gorgeous wife 12 years ago playing professional sports. We’ve been married for 8 years and we have 3 beautiful babies together. We are pretty much opposites. She’s feminine, wears dresses and makeup and heels and has long blonde hair. Anyway, to combat the side effects of my medications and the muscle mass loss from injuries, I started getting testosterone injections about 2 years ago (at least that was part of the reason). Although I’ve had feelings my entire life that I should have been born male, see myself as male, and am normally mistaken as male, I have not said “I’m transitioning to male”. I very much enjoy the effects of the testosterone. It makes me feel “normal” and without going into TMI, I’ve been able to fulfill (as much as possible) my sexual desires. I’ve discussed my feelings with my wife long before I started the testosterone..... She was initially not on board. She is attracted to females (obviously) and when hypothetically faced with the question of “what if I were the same exact person....just male”, she didn’t think she’d be with me. When our oldest son began talking, he INSISTED I was a boy even though he KNEW and understood that I didn’t have the same “parts” as he and all other males did. I feel like I’m failing him because im not what he believes I am. I have tried to hide most of the effects of the Testosterone.... the facial hair, the body hair, etc. she obviously knows about the “growth” and the hair and all other effects and is fine with it surprisingly. Our sex life has been amazing!

I am afraid of my fellow firemen finding out. I live with them 1/3 of my life (we work 24 hr shifts, sometimes more) so we sleep in the same room, shower, get dressed, groom, etc all in the same house. I do not, not do I WANT, separate quarters. They accept me as being a gay female and we talk and joke like guys do..... they see me as one of them for the most part. I’m not sure what they would do if they found out I hid so much. I’m constantly checking to make sure my facial hair isn’t showing and it’s getting to the point that I can’t keep up with it anymore. Patients (were dual firemen/paramedics)  constantly call me “sir” and refer to me as “he”....I don’t correct them and they don’t even bat an eye at it anymore. when I first started working, they all laughed and joked about it....but it’s normal now.
 I further don’t feel like I’m “gay”. I don’t like to be lumped in with lesbians because I feel like that’s not me.i don’t feel normal with them either.  I feel like a straight guy that’s had to live in a females body my whole life. I have 3 younger brothers and I feel like some cell just didn’t divide correctly or something.
Yet, I do believe very much in a higher power. I feel that God made me this way for a reason (whatever that may be). I’m not sure what to do..... or how to live.... or even what to call myself. I’m out of the loop and don’t know what “term” I am or if there’s even a term for someone like me. Should I keep taking the testosterone? Should I “transition”? Should I keep just going along as I have been and hope no one notices??? My wife has noticed that I’m not my usual “lively,sarcastic” self lately and I don’t know what to say. I don’t want her to be upset..... we have a family and a life together....I don’t want anyone else.... we are great together. I don’t want to mess up my kids “vision” of me....they have had a hard enough time explaining to other kids and adults that they have 2 moms and no dad when people mistake me for male in front of them. I don’t want my coworkers to feel differently about me. But then again, would anything really change?

 

so, here I am....confused....but not?? Can anyone offer insight??

 

sorry for the long thought,

 

[NB Adult]

Beautiful introspection and commentary here EZ, look just be you, take your life as it comes and don't go overboard with a lot of unnecessary slicing and dicing. I'm a lot older than you, could be old enough to be one of your parent's easily. I've been in this since the early 1990's and have seen a lot of the good, bad and ugly. I'm genetic male with boobs that won't quit, but decided that transitioning all the way would have made me miserable. I'm not speaking for others, just for myself.

 

I was on another site several years ago and a young FtM was having regrets for having run headlong into transition. The other people were like sharks sensing blood in the water and went on the attack, they were relentless and downright evil to her. a

As a 20 year old she initially had long and painful periods and her parents doctor put her on massive progesterone injections. the periods went away for a year and then her female organs became so messed up that she wound up having full hysterectomy. She went to a clinic to get HRT meds and someone there took her under their wing and suggested that she would make a really cute boy, eventually she had a bi-lateral mastectomy and went on testosterone. Her voice dropped, and she got a very hairy chest. I actually reached out to her as she was totally estranged from her parents, she shared nude photos of herself with me to show me what she had done to herself, she hated it and felt that it had been a huge mistake. I took her under my wing and got her back on female hormones and breast implants, she made her amends with God and her parents. last I heard from her she had a young fellow that was in love with her. 

 

The reason I share this with you is that you need to know that there is a lot of pressure in the way of expectation that you will go this route. You need to take it very slowly and consider the cost. Meanwhile you have a wife and family and as a genetic female you need to know that a small dose of testosterone will make you hotter than a firecracker when it comes time for intimacy with your spouse. Take some time and smell the roses and consider what you have. 

 

 

[EZDoesIt]

Thanks for your reply! I’ve been on testosterone for over 2 years already.... so I know all the “sides”. I love the way I fee with it and don’t want to stop. I just wonder what’s gona happen when I can’t hide it anymore (I’m struggling to keep the beard under wraps now)& people want to know what’s going on. I don’t know that I WOULD totally transition.... I mean.... if I didn’t have a wife and family, I probably definitely would. But I love my family and I don’t want them to struggle because of how I am. I could just be a super manly looking female?! 

[NB Adult]

You could just remain a super manly female just as I am a super female looking male. I have a wife, she clearly knows I'm different, I was surgically castrated a dozen years ago and came to regret it, but I do us a few pumps of Androgel to maintain male libido. As a genetic female you can use a lesser amount of Testosterone and maintain some really smoking hot libido and not be too hairy. Try it for awhile, you'll see I'm right. Btw - pleasure meeting you here.

[NB Adult]

Oh one other thing you need to know, heavy use of testosterone will eventually cause you to have a necessary hysterectomy, probably not a desirable side effect. Keep it light and enjoy the perks.

[EZDoesIt]

I have heard that.... why? I’m not opposed and I accept that consequence if need be. 

[Jani]

Hello EZ and welcome aboard.  

2 hours ago, NB Adult said:

...just be you, take your life as it comes and don't go overboard with a lot of unnecessary slicing and dicing.

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment.  So you're on T, to assist with some medical challenges you have.  No big deal.  I'm not sure why you need to tell your work mates about your medications.  I'm not sure your fellow firemen would care about any changes.  As to that you have hidden an aspect of your life, we all have pieces we keep private.  

 

I don't know your levels (we don't allow that on this site) but if your concerned with the beard, etc, talk to your doctor to see if you can lower your dosage a bit.  Even as a test to determine how you feel. 

 

I'm glad you found us and signed up.

Cheers, 
Jani

[EZDoesIt]

Thank you Jani! I have recently lowered my levels just to see what happens.... maybe that’s why I’m being all “emotional” ??

 

just time clarify.... the meds aren’t the ONLY reason I wanted the T. I LIKE the sides.... just don’t want anyone to find out I guess

[ShawnaLeigh]

I don't know what I can add to this.  NB Adult and Jani are two of the most knowledgeable and wisest ladies we have here.  They are truly a blessing to of met and when they say something, I for one listen.

But your story compels me to chime in.  I am a Genderfluid person leaning heavily towards transitioning to female.  I am 52 and still not out.  Just getting brave enough to take my first bayby steps. Born male.  Same type of feelings as you, not quite right body for who I felt I was.   I was very moved by your quest to be you.  And it just me strength.

 

You have found a great resource to learn more about yourself and to see you are NOT alone in your inner feelings and desires to be who you really are.

Welcome!

 

[Charlize]

Welcome EZ.

   I might suggest you see a gender therapist.  Mine helped me find self acceptance as well as a path towards openness with family and friends.  There may not be a reason to transition but from your posts you seem conflicted.  i know i was also very concerned about my family.  My wife didn't see herself as a lesbian.   Time, love and patience has given us a wonderful home together as we head into our "golden" years.

I had to get through difficult times in there town where i grew up.  I wasn't sure how folks who i've known all my life would accept me and us as a couple.  It turned out to be a pretty non issue and today i'm finally at peace with myself.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[NB Adult]

My experience is a ditto to that of Charlize! It's always a tough haul for the spouses, after all they didn't sign on for all this, but it is to their great credit that love and the weight of the vows they took that sometimes carries them through this crucible. I've been married 51 years, non-binary was a concession I made, she met me half way and we're still going strong.