Too Ugly

[Nina]

Unfortunately i am too ugly to pass as anything else than male. Even my trans therapist said I would need a lot of plastic surgery to even begin to look feminine. So i have stopped bothering to try and pass off as anything else as being a male. Which is a pity since I feel quite feminine. So if you're able to pass, you should be eternally grateful.

[Maid In Bedlam]

Im sorry your trans therapists opnion wasnt what you wanted to hear.  Being honest i think she was a bit rude to judge you. Who gave her the right to decide what you can and cannot be? Your Uk. Was this NHS? I would look into the complaints proceedure as this is not positive to your wellbeing. If it was then your post would be very diffrent.

 

However i will say this. That is just her opnion.

 

I cannot say what i think about your ability to pass or not. But I will say. We are all diffent. Short tall big or small

 

I wouldnt be to disheartened and sad about it. There have been others before you who you would have never belived they can look as they do now. I could even name them but that wouldnt be appropriate as who am i to judge them?

 

Keep you chin up Nina. If you go as NON binary as your profile shows then. Im no guru but what are you passing as? Non binary most definatly comes in many shapes and sizes.

[Jackie C.]

That's absolutely awful. Women come in all shapes and sizes. All of them are beautiful. Your therapist had no right to say that terrible thing to you. Any changes you make to your face or body are FOR YOU not them. Don't feel pressured because one person thinks you need to look like a Disney princess to pass. They're mistaken.

 

Present as yourself. Do what makes YOU feel at home in your own skin. If you feel feminine, dress feminine. Act feminine. Be feminine.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

Maid and Jackie's comments are spot on.  This was a moment of poor judgement by your therapist.  There is no ruler that we must measure up to.  You are who you are and that is good.  Be proud of yourself.  

 

Jani

[Nina]

Hi Maid, Jackie and Jani.

Thanks for that. The therapist was private and had more interest in me transitioning than my mental welfare. Shortly after that I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as being Schizoaffective and put on meds. The meds changed me to the degree that I no longer identified as being trans to non binary femme. I was outed by my partner and they said they were not prepared to be married to a woman and so to rescue the relationship I went back into the closet and have been there since. I try not dress too masculine. I suppose its easier being non binary looks wise than being trans. I am just not too sure that if I were to go off the meds that I wouldn't revert back to being trans. So to all intense purposes I feel more feminine just not as much as I was when i was trans. I would like to appear androgynous like Ruby Rose that would be my ideal. yet I am a lumbering male with large hands and feet. So go figure.

[Jackie C.]

@NinaRuby Rose doesn't look androgynous to me at all. Definitely female. I guess that's the power of perception... thinking about it, I'd be proud to look like Ruby too. Really, when I'm designing game avatars I tend to go on the slight and athletic side. I guess that's how my subconscious thinks I should look.

 

I also find it interesting that the meds put the dysphoria monster to bed. Not necessarily interesting in a good way but I've heard that some of those drugs can have absolutely wild side effects. That entire family of medication scares the heck out of me.

 

The idea that a therapist was more interested in transitioning you than actually helping you is kind of alien to my experience as well. I guess I can see the appeal of a private therapist who was just pushing to get your paperwork through, but they were doing a legitimate disservice to their clients. Just wow.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I wish there was a way to make it better.

 

Hugs!

[Nina]

Jackie.

The therapist the psychiatrist reffered me too was able to help me a lot better than the trans therapist. So not all was lost. Being in the closet doesn't help. I would really like to hang out with the lgbt family. My partner cares too much about what people think and is my gatekeeper. So the way I express myself is monitored and anything Lgbt is frowned upon. J suppose I will be credited in my next lifetime and will be able to express myself.

[NB Adult]

Nina, I want to give you a prescription that will offset what that therapist said and make you feel a lot better about yourself. 

Go to the local shopping mall and purchase a nice cup of coffee and find a nice place to sit and do some people watching. It's a great time to study people's body language, moreover you will notice several genetic females that are patently very homely, some too tall, others with broad shoulders, big hands and feet, and yet they seem to carry on just fine and are always seen by others as legitimate women. You will come out of that with a much better sense of self esteem.

[Jani]

Excellent advice.  You can do it wherever people gather.  I remember years ago prior to a concert we had tickets for my spouse and I got drinks at this outdoor place.  We watched and commented on everyone that walked by (some weird clothing choices back then!) 

 

[NB Adult]

Observing female body language discreetly can be quite helpful in order to better learn how to carry yourself. Genetic females tend to stand with their shoulders rolled back with elbows not in line with the torso, but slightly behind their back if you observe them from a side view. Genetic males tend not to stand that way. There are many things to learn just through casual observation.

[Lexi C]

hey Nina I kinda feel what yr going through. being on HRT for 11months and I still look like a dude,,no matter what I do..My therapist , My BF's and HRT Doc have wonder out about my looks..The last few weeks I been in a deep dark hole..I keep think they are all right..I am trying to hang in there. I hope you do the same. good luck.

[Nina]

Hi Alex. i have kinda of taken the view that there is no point in trying to pass as anything other than what I look like. Even my mother that I am a spitting image of was an ugly woman, sorry to say. She looked like more of a man than a woman. So with that in mind I just have not been blessed as some others have. Even plastic surgery would not do the trick. i suppose i am just happy to know that I am other.

[TommieAnne]

Nina, I'm sorry to read that you feel you should give up.

I'm not going to suggest that a tube of beauty cream will do the trick (if it did, I'd buy a case and share).

But people's outward appearances aren't the only judge of beauty and worth. Rembrandt was fairly homely yet the light shining forth from his spirit was blindingly beautiful.

I always try to remember that beauty is not about the fleshly covering, but the spirit that animates it. Let your beauty shine from within.

Hugs.

[NB Adult]

46 minutes ago, TammyAnne said:

Nina, I'm sorry to read that you feel you should give up.

I'm not going to suggest that a tube of beauty cream will do the trick (if it did, I'd buy a case and share).

But people's outward appearances aren't the only judge of beauty and worth. Rembrandt was fairly homely yet the light shining forth from his spirit was blindingly beautiful.

I always try to remember that beauty is not about the fleshly covering, but the spirit that animates it. Let your beauty shine from within.

Hugs.

 

Amen to that!

[ShawnaLeigh]

17 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

Nina, I'm sorry to read that you feel you should give up.

I'm not going to suggest that a tube of beauty cream will do the trick (if it did, I'd buy a case and share).

But people's outward appearances aren't the only judge of beauty and worth. Rembrandt was fairly homely yet the light shining forth from his spirit was blindingly beautiful.

I always try to remember that beauty is not about the fleshly covering, but the spirit that animates it. Let your beauty shine from within.

Hugs.

Very well said.  I fully agree.  

[Charlize]

I'm sure that most of us aren't the women we see in our fantasies.  At 63 when i went full time i wasn't the pretty young woman i felt i should be.  Years later i'm enjoying being the older woman i am.     I could be a woman just not a young pretty one.  I enjoy doing the best i can with what i've got.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Nina]

2 hours ago, Nivegnal said:

Very well said.  I fully agree.  

Thanks for that both of you. It is a bit hard to say the least but we do the best we can.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

I'm sure that most of us aren't the women we see in our fantasies.  At 63 when i went full time i wasn't the pretty young woman i felt i should be.  Years later i'm enjoying being the older woman i am.     I could be a woman just not a young pretty one.  I enjoy doing the best i can with what i've got.

 

Very true. We can only go forward. I'm still going to have a self-indulgent moment or two mourning opportunities lost though.

 

Hugs!

[Lexi C]

huh.. Charlize..thanks I need that..I kinda of feeling what Nina is growing throught..I thought it would be diff once I got on HRT but a yr later and I still feel ugly and look like a man..But yr right..i just wish it would go away...Because its really brings me into place I don't  want to be. thank you ladies

[Alex-John]

you need to find yourself another threapist  she is rude and i  bet your  beautiful in your own unique way   everyone is beautiful in there own ways 

dont listen to her and find a new threapist 

[Guest JBabe]

I am so very sorry you've had these experiences with mental health professionals, Nina.

 

I'm less than 2 years away from acquiring a Masters in psychology and believe your trans therapist should lose their license to practice. It is definitely not their place to tell you what they did. Honesty is fine, but predicting how a person will transition from male to female, or otherwise, is something no one should attempt.

 

From the day I started transitioning back in January 2017 I noticed that some of the people who claim to be our biggest supporters can be the most harmful to us. Transphobia runs very deep in human society and sometimes it raises it's ugly head at the most unexpected times. 

 

I have a pretty strong opinion about 'passing'. To me, it's mostly BS. I know trans women who are absolutely stunning, with very little masculine appearance and mannerisms about them following a decade or more of HRT and surgeries and they're still mistreated and misgendered on a regular basis.

 

On the other hand, I also know transgender women who are older, would not be considered 'pretty' according to the human classical sense, still look and act quite masculine and yet they're respected and treated as a woman by most of the people they come into contact with.

 

From these observations I have come to the conclusion that 'passing' as cis female as a trans female has to do with others' perceptions, prejudices and attitudes just as much as it has to do with our appearance, mannerisms, voice, and other factors.

 

I would say that at least half the people I know and interact with regularly tell me I look more and more female as time goes on and yet they still refer to me as male, misgender and even dead name me at times. Again, some of my supposed supporters. Soon, I won't have to deal with those people any longer. Thankfully.

 

I apologize for this long post, but I did want to give you another perspective to consider. No matter how hard we try, most of the time we can't change people's perceptions, minds, opinions and attitudes toward us. We can only be who we want to be and do our best not to let others bring us down. It's very difficult and something I struggle with quite frequently, but it's all I've got.

 

I have a wonderful partner who is not only supportive but also literally sees me as female. I got very lucky and nothing more. It has nothing to do with the way I look or otherwise. It's all about their perception of me and how we connect and interact.

 

The best advice I can offer you is to keep your head up, do your best to ignore others and be your best you. Personally, I would get rid of any inappropriate, opinionated therapists and I also have to say that I don't like the way your partner treats you. That, however, is something you have to fix yourself. Be kind to yourself. Most others won't be.

 

Hugz n love,

J

[Jani]

3 hours ago, JBabe said:

The best advice I can offer you is to keep your head up, do your best to ignore others and be your best you. Personally, I would get rid of any inappropriate, opinionated therapists and I also have to say that I don't like the way your partner treats you. That, however, is something you have to fix yourself. Be kind to yourself. Most others won't be.

Great commentary and advice, J. 

 

 

[Guest JBabe]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Great commentary and advice, J. 

 

 

Thanks ?

[_x.anime.x]

I know you have had loads of replies but I judt had to say that its your body so don't let your therapist tell you it's not feminine enough femininity and masculinity aren't judged by appearance and nor should they i understand the feeling of dysphoria (thats probably spelt wrong sorry) but try not to worry bc if wearing or putting on stereotypically girly things makes you feel more feminine then go right ahead if it makes you happy then do it so just remember every body is different however they are all beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 

I hope this helped have a good day ?