Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

1macchiatothanks

FtM, but doubtful of transition

Recommended Posts

1macchiatothanks

Hi, I'm J, 20 years old. I know that I'm transgender, but I don't see transition actually alleviating my gender dysphoria. I don't see myself passing. It's very disheartening because I've never felt "female". 

 

I've questioned my sexuality and gender since I was 4 years old. I've identified as a (cis) lesbian for about 5 years, out to a handful of people. The disgust I feel to be viewed as this adorable, delicate girl is unparalleled.

 

I've felt like my body has mocked me my entire life. I have no desire to bear children. I loathe my large chest and wide hips. (I've bound my chest for six years) I'm 5'2". Even my hands are tiny. If I was taller, I might consider transitioning, but I don't see myself passing, even with top surgery and hormones.

 

I feel at a loss with myself recently. I'm not comfortable with telling anyone I know that I am considering transition. I live in a very conservative corner of America. I may feel differently about all of this in a couple years, and after I've relocated, but right now I feel miserable.

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody should have to feel miserable about who they are. I'd happily give you a couple of my inches of height if I could. Maybe even a shoe size. I'd LOVE to be able to shop in regular stores. 😉

 

I strongly suggest that you find a therapist after you've relocated and talk to them about your feelings. They might be able to help you find a path that's right for you.

 

I wouldn't worry about your height though. You're not that much smaller than some cis men I know. Thinking about it, you're not that much shorter than my brother-in-law. I'm drifting off topic though.

 

I wouldn't completely write off hormones either. You're young enough that you could see some pretty dramatic results. I want very much for you to be happy and comfortable in your own skin. Welcome to the community. We're happy to have you and you can ask us pretty much anything.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh

I have worked with a ton of guys your height and size.  If you feel like a man then you are a man.  Don’t let height or size change your desires.  
Some of us ladies that have changed are very tall. Wide shoulders. Big hands.  Never feel pretty but still know in their hearts they are true women.  
Just my 2 cents but be you.  
I am learning that one myself.  

Share this post


Link to post
Jani

Hello J and welcome.  Don't let height both you.  There are plenty of height-challenged guys out there.  Hopefully you will find this forum a safe place to speak whats on your mind with others that understand.  Please join in. 

 

Jani

Share this post


Link to post
luke_b

As a fellow ftm, id like to add my two cents as well. 

I'm pretty short (I don't even meet 5'5), but that doesn't make me any less of a guy, just like how it doesn't make my cis guy friends that are much shorter than me any less of a man. Sometimes when i feel really dysphoric about my height, I think back to all of the short celebrities out there, like Bruno Mars, Daniel Radcliffe, Kevin Hart, Prince (who was also 5'2), and Danny Devito (who is 4'10) and remind myself that I can be proud of my identity even if I am shorter than most, just as they are proud of themselves.

There are also a lot of short ftm youtubers out there such as Sam Collins (5'2) and Miles Mckenna (5'5) who give me hope for the future. Sam Collins is marrying his fiancee next year, which shows that even if you are short, there are still girls out there who will fall for you, and Miles Mckenna is almost famous for the platform shoes he wears that give a couple inches to his height.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, J.  I'm in total agreement with my friends here.  As someone ID'd as male from birth, I grew to the impressive height of 5'3" tall.  It stopped me from getting picked for basketball teams in school, and made my attempt to become a paramedic more problematic.  But that's about it for downsides.  I went on to a successful career in government, allowed me to win a lovely wife and handsome son (who is 5'5" and a total ladies man) and have a good life.

 

So please don't sell yourself (ahem) short, J.  I know some wonderful, successful and handsome FtMs, in other words, men.  You would make them proud to join their ranks.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Share this post


Link to post
EvanC

Hi J.  I'm 5'2" too. I'm 51 and just started on testosterone about 4 weeks ago. I may never really pass, but I'm so much more at peace with myself right now. I feel like I've taken the path of becoming truly me, whatever that ends up looking like. 

 

I have friends who are a few more years on hormones who started not much younger than me, and to look at them, you wouldn't think they were anything but men. I know one man with tiny hands and feet and about 98 pounds soaking wet. His show size is the equivalent of a size 6 women's shoe, which means he has to buy boys shoes and he's in his 20s now. But 5 years on hormones, he's living and is completely accepted as a man. Testosterone is powerful stuff.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling miserable now. I did on and off for decades before I was in a place where I could really do something about it. You are still you, what ever you decide to or are able to do about it.

 

There are so many nice people here. They've both offered me advice and cheered me on when I needed it. I hope you can find the same support here too.

Share this post


Link to post
Regn

I agree with what others have said about height not being determinative. I'm about the same height as you and very conscious of it at times. My son (who is cis) is slightly taller and also very conscious of his lack of height. I think it's a thing men worry about, but having said that, I transitioned because I wanted to feel less estranged from by body - and I do. I've found that matters more for my wellbeing than how others perceive me.

 

I agree with you that supportive locations can help. I live in an area where most people don't care if you're trans or cis, they read you as male-presenting and interact with you accordingly. I know that's pretty rare. When I travel for work I'm not among that kind of group at all and it's harder but I'm still more comfortable with my body looking like a short, somewhat broad-hipped male one than I would be if it looked female. 

 

Just my 2c. Welcome here.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 631 Guests (See full list)

    • Nathan
    • Ronin82
    • ToniTone
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,752
    • Total Posts
      630,404
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,102
    • Most Online
      8,356

    alicia024
    Newest Member
    alicia024
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. KathrynJulia
      KathrynJulia
      (65 years old)
    2. Michelle 2010
      Michelle 2010
      (10 years old)
    3. Shiratori
      Shiratori
      (48 years old)
    4. woahshutitdown
      woahshutitdown
      (29 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ronin82
      Congrats, dude!! Yeah, that first shot is scary, but sooo worth it! Looking forward to hearing about your journey.
    • TrIIIy
      Welp, I just did my first self-injection of testosterone! Super scary, but manageable.   I am going to be chronicling my transition by taking a picture of myself every week for at least a year. I hope to have a nice montage by the end of year one! I will eventually post the video on YouTube. No links, I know, but it will be there.   Excitement!
    • FrozenWinter
      Thank you for your wish! *Gives "lì xì" (lucky money)*
    • Aidan5
      Ah, confidence will help a ton. Which, recently I find myself having more confidence when he is around. I also have really bad trust and abandonment issues, which he is helping me with. I am very cautious when I like someone. It blows my mind when someone tells me that they like me. I will work on my confidence and self respect.     thank you guys a ton
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Flirting isn’t a skill. It’s a comfort level.  You have to have a few things to make it work.  You have you really be interested in the person. Not just smitten.  You have to be confident in yourself as a lovable person and someone who is also desirable.  You have to relax and let things flow.  You can not plan or act out anything anyone else has said.  It can not be forced.  It comes from inside you as a confident playfulness.  Being clever and humorous is only a small part of it. But it helps a lot.   The biggest thing is to believe in yourself and be brave.  Eventually you see it’s not hard or scary.   just be you.  
    • Robin68
      The Vietnamese in my area celebrate Tet. Have a wonderful holiday!
    • Susan R
      Hey Michelle, the heavy dose of masculinity you quoted above reminds me so much of myself and where I came from.  The description is slightly different from mine in detail but very manly, none the less. It sounds like you’re able to look past these male features to see and feel the real you. It was easier for a time growing up to conform to the expected standards set before us but as you and I have both found, it doesn’t last forever.  Eventually, a good number of us see through the mask we put on and start to take control of the situation despite what society or culture dictates.  I congratulate you on getting to this very important part of your journey.  It will make things even better if your wife accepts you as you and becomes a vital support in this journey too.  I wish you the best in either case.   Susan R🌷    
    • Lucca
      Just something I'm curious about... the three most common methods of administering estrogen are pills, patches, and shots, but from what I can gather, the three most common methods of administering testosterone are patches, shots, and skin gels that you rub in like hand sanitizer. I've never heard of testosterone pills. Anyone know why? Does testosterone not survive in the stomach to get absorbed into the blood? Or for that matter, why is there no estrogen gel? 
    • Cara
      Another update -- the problem is actually called vaginismus, and caused by contraction of the vaginal muscles making intercourse painful or not possible. It is not necessarily even related to gender surgery -- it is not uncommon in genetic women. The treatment is... dilation, even for genetic women, and can be handled by someone's regular gyn physician.
    • BEAN_CHILD
      idk whenever im flirting with me boyfriend what i usually do is make a play on words with whatever he said to me example him:the sky is so blue me:as deep a blue as your eyes him:but my eyes are brown... me:i thought they were blue from how much theyre shining flirting 101 with max lol
    • Jennifer T
      Hi @Miseria. I think I began posting in late 2009.  There were quite a few posting poetry back then.  🙂   I do enjoy the creativity that words allow.   @ToniTone, thank you.  ☺️ 
    • KymmieL
      The Cheyenne VA hospital is great as far as I am concerned. I have had no troubles at all. My Dr's are fantastic. Unfortunately they have no endo. I will be seeing the one down at the Denver VA. Good thing I get travel pay. Just recently found out that I can claim travel for any appointment at VA based on my disability percentage. My GYN's nurse found out for me.   I feel totally safe when I am at the VA. I use the ladies room. dress how I feel.of course girly.   Kymmie
    • Aidan5
      Some one hit me with the skills on how to flirt because I am terrible and I know, the new kid just laughs at my miserable attempts, I think he finds it cute that I try. Sadly I am about as smooth as sandpaper. So I tried to get revenge for him dropping his phone on me when it said "Hints" So he was dropping hints on me. So I wrote "Hints on a piece of paper and dropped it on him, for revenge. He was like "Ah, I see your true feelings." And I panicked and said "Ha, no it's just revenge from earlier." He obviously didn't believe me and just laughed. Someone please teach me how to flirt so I can compete, he is a smooth as butter! He is always trying to hold hands so I do it back, He told me to move to the back of the bus with him and I said no playfully and he said "I will kiss you right now if you don't" (Also playing) I froze up ack. I need halp haha
    • Aidan5
      Welcome to the forum Michaela!    We welcome you with opens arms and open minds, I hope you can find the same comfort I did here
    • Jackie C.
      That's the spirit! Also a good attitude when you're waiting for anything else you care to do while transitioning like getting approved for HRT or bottom surgery if you choose to pursue either of those things. Probably FFS too, but I haven't signed up for that one. I don't want to get TOO pretty. My friends would be jealous. 😘   Hugs!
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...