Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

FtM, but doubtful of transition


1macchiatothanks

Recommended Posts

Hi, I'm J, 20 years old. I know that I'm transgender, but I don't see transition actually alleviating my gender dysphoria. I don't see myself passing. It's very disheartening because I've never felt "female". 

 

I've questioned my sexuality and gender since I was 4 years old. I've identified as a (cis) lesbian for about 5 years, out to a handful of people. The disgust I feel to be viewed as this adorable, delicate girl is unparalleled.

 

I've felt like my body has mocked me my entire life. I have no desire to bear children. I loathe my large chest and wide hips. (I've bound my chest for six years) I'm 5'2". Even my hands are tiny. If I was taller, I might consider transitioning, but I don't see myself passing, even with top surgery and hormones.

 

I feel at a loss with myself recently. I'm not comfortable with telling anyone I know that I am considering transition. I live in a very conservative corner of America. I may feel differently about all of this in a couple years, and after I've relocated, but right now I feel miserable.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody should have to feel miserable about who they are. I'd happily give you a couple of my inches of height if I could. Maybe even a shoe size. I'd LOVE to be able to shop in regular stores. ?

 

I strongly suggest that you find a therapist after you've relocated and talk to them about your feelings. They might be able to help you find a path that's right for you.

 

I wouldn't worry about your height though. You're not that much smaller than some cis men I know. Thinking about it, you're not that much shorter than my brother-in-law. I'm drifting off topic though.

 

I wouldn't completely write off hormones either. You're young enough that you could see some pretty dramatic results. I want very much for you to be happy and comfortable in your own skin. Welcome to the community. We're happy to have you and you can ask us pretty much anything.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

I have worked with a ton of guys your height and size.  If you feel like a man then you are a man.  Don’t let height or size change your desires.  
Some of us ladies that have changed are very tall. Wide shoulders. Big hands.  Never feel pretty but still know in their hearts they are true women.  
Just my 2 cents but be you.  
I am learning that one myself.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello J and welcome.  Don't let height both you.  There are plenty of height-challenged guys out there.  Hopefully you will find this forum a safe place to speak whats on your mind with others that understand.  Please join in. 

 

Jani

Link to comment

As a fellow ftm, id like to add my two cents as well. 

I'm pretty short (I don't even meet 5'5), but that doesn't make me any less of a guy, just like how it doesn't make my cis guy friends that are much shorter than me any less of a man. Sometimes when i feel really dysphoric about my height, I think back to all of the short celebrities out there, like Bruno Mars, Daniel Radcliffe, Kevin Hart, Prince (who was also 5'2), and Danny Devito (who is 4'10) and remind myself that I can be proud of my identity even if I am shorter than most, just as they are proud of themselves.

There are also a lot of short ftm youtubers out there such as Sam Collins (5'2) and Miles Mckenna (5'5) who give me hope for the future. Sam Collins is marrying his fiancee next year, which shows that even if you are short, there are still girls out there who will fall for you, and Miles Mckenna is almost famous for the platform shoes he wears that give a couple inches to his height.

 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, J.  I'm in total agreement with my friends here.  As someone ID'd as male from birth, I grew to the impressive height of 5'3" tall.  It stopped me from getting picked for basketball teams in school, and made my attempt to become a paramedic more problematic.  But that's about it for downsides.  I went on to a successful career in government, allowed me to win a lovely wife and handsome son (who is 5'5" and a total ladies man) and have a good life.

 

So please don't sell yourself (ahem) short, J.  I know some wonderful, successful and handsome FtMs, in other words, men.  You would make them proud to join their ranks.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Hi J.  I'm 5'2" too. I'm 51 and just started on testosterone about 4 weeks ago. I may never really pass, but I'm so much more at peace with myself right now. I feel like I've taken the path of becoming truly me, whatever that ends up looking like. 

 

I have friends who are a few more years on hormones who started not much younger than me, and to look at them, you wouldn't think they were anything but men. I know one man with tiny hands and feet and about 98 pounds soaking wet. His show size is the equivalent of a size 6 women's shoe, which means he has to buy boys shoes and he's in his 20s now. But 5 years on hormones, he's living and is completely accepted as a man. Testosterone is powerful stuff.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling miserable now. I did on and off for decades before I was in a place where I could really do something about it. You are still you, what ever you decide to or are able to do about it.

 

There are so many nice people here. They've both offered me advice and cheered me on when I needed it. I hope you can find the same support here too.

Link to comment

I agree with what others have said about height not being determinative. I'm about the same height as you and very conscious of it at times. My son (who is cis) is slightly taller and also very conscious of his lack of height. I think it's a thing men worry about, but having said that, I transitioned because I wanted to feel less estranged from by body - and I do. I've found that matters more for my wellbeing than how others perceive me.

 

I agree with you that supportive locations can help. I live in an area where most people don't care if you're trans or cis, they read you as male-presenting and interact with you accordingly. I know that's pretty rare. When I travel for work I'm not among that kind of group at all and it's harder but I'm still more comfortable with my body looking like a short, somewhat broad-hipped male one than I would be if it looked female. 

 

Just my 2c. Welcome here.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 165 Guests (See full list)

    • Ivy
    • Breanne_O
    • Jet McCartney
    • Sally Stone
    • Mmindy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...