This may a very weird question/observation of myself

[ShawnaLeigh]

So I am really pushing my limits with talking about this.  I feel very confused and weirded out about this.  I am not sure exactly what to think about this but definitely plan to discuss this with my therapist.

Ok...  Phew...

Here goes....

I am feeling like my inner female is about 20 to even 30 years younger then my outer male shell persona.  (This is not the weird part)

In terms of experience I suppose.  I seem to be so naïve to so many things and I swear I never have felt this way while living my male roles.  I always felt confident and in control.  Protective and in general like a man should act and feel for his family.  

I am a Biomedical Engineer, a couple degrees, I feel like a fairly smart person in many ways.  But in this I am so unexperienced.  I know I am female, but I don't know how to be a female.  The journey calls to me but scares me so much in many ways.

That being said, my inner female that is trying so hard to be, to come out to the fore front, feels very unequipped to be in the world. "She" is quite the opposite from "Him".  She is insecure, unexperienced, scared, wants to hide, and afraid of the future.  (Still not the weird part)

 

She looks at my male persona as the safe protector.  Like a big brother.  I was the oldest child of four siblings growing up so understand how to be that person.  Two twin brothers 3 years younger and a sister 8 years younger.  This male persona was my family's protector for many years as my mother was basically a single parent.  I had to grow up fast and be that father/big brother person and I didn't have time to be myself for the sake of my younger siblings.  It seems easy for Him to feel this way about the women I am, to always be there to keep me(her) safe and hidden but still loved.  I love this guy who has protected me all these years as I would a big brother.  I resent him too for keeping me hidden and afraid all these years.  Very conflicted over that.

On the flip side of this, I feel the same affection for my "little sister persona" too as the male role I have to live now.  I mean not in a gross way but I do as much as I love my real siblings.  I am sorry to of kept her hidden all these years.  Like I wasted her life hiding her.  

 

I am very confused and conflicted about how to deal with this set of feelings.  It seems absolutely crazy to have two sets of feelings, one male and one female who will miss the other but hates the other in many ways.  I can not wrap my head around it.  Its almost like if I continue to go through with my transition then I would be effectively killing off someone I love.  I would feel the loss.  (Ok that was the weird part.)

 

For the most part I do not try to think of myself as two people.  I know I am not.  I had to live two lives like most of us do.  I am a women and this male part of me, although is very nice and caring and protective (and a total jerk) is ultimately not the person I want to be.  I have to be him for now but its not what I truly want.  I feel weirded out about it all the same.

 

So yes. definitely and topic for my gender therapist to help me out with but I feel like I wanted to share this with you.  Kind of a trial run.

Id be interested to see if anyone else has had this happen to them.  Or am I just that far off...

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

"Internal Family Systems" is actually the brand of therapy my therapist is most involved in. The basic idea is that inside every one of us are sub-personalities that all work together to make the larger whole person. For example, her rage is a male metal drummer named... I actually forget. It's very masculine though. While I'm not 100% sure I'm on-board with the approach, it sounds a lot like what you're dealing with.

 

I had a couple of sessions like this. In my head (a dark and dangerous place at the best of times), Jackie felt like a literal prisoner. For better or worse, she's loose now. Hide your valuables.

 

On the other hand, I don't have siblings. I barely have parents. I'm not sure how I'd process that kind of closeness with other actual people and how it might effect my psyche.

 

I'm getting off track. The point is that there is an entire branch of psychology devoted to exactly what you described. I imagine there's something to it.

 

Hugs!

[Jackie C.]

Oh, I should add that why would you be "killing" your male self. Robert (bleah, I hate even typing that) is still in here. He's the bratty little brother I never had. He did the best he could with what he was given, but his time is done now. He'll always be a part of me. Now, big sister can handle herself.

 

Hrm, tears of unknown origin. Wasn't expecting that. I'm not exactly sad, but they're not happy tears either. Tears of regret? No, that's not right. Ugh. English was SO coined by men, there are nowhere near enough words for actual emotions. Happy/relief? That's closer. Relief. Joy. Freedom. Pain for time wasted. There's no word for that. I bet there's no emoji either. Stupid English.

 

Hugs!

[Jackie C.]

Link! I should include a link: Internal Family Systems

 

Where is my head today? I'm going to go ahead and blame whatever sparked the tears.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

OMG

This is really really a condition.  Something real?  
While reading your posts I broke down crying. 
This seems to happen a lot lately.  
I am so relieved To hear this.  It has really made me question my sanity at times.  So confusing to try and understand.   
I can’t believe just how screwed up I have been all these years.  How much pain and confusion.  How much I just buried and played the tough guy role.  
Im sorry. I have to end this.

i have to get myself under control

thank you ladies.  Very much for telling me. 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I know I am female, but I don't know how to be a female.  The journey calls to me but scares me so much in many ways.

With everything, its one thing to think you understand until you go behind the curtain to see reality.  Its always different and more intense.  

 

One bit of advise "Enjoy the Ride."  You've got the best seat in the house. 

Jani

[ShawnaLeigh]

I suppose “condition” is not the right word.  
I read the link you posted.  Interesting.  I think I understand but will talk this over with my therapist.  

[ShawnaLeigh]

At times I feel just like this.  In total control.  Then a scared little girl.  Almost a child.  It’s weird to think this way.  
I haven’t gotten to a breaking point. I have been feeling “rebellious” though.  Like a sassy teen not listening to my parents.  

[ShawnaLeigh]

M ad try y. You are the best.  Thank you for your help and encouragement 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Wow now that was fat fingers.  Lol

 

MaryMary not M af try y.  Lmao??

[VickySGV]

A half century ago when I was in college taking my psych minor classes we learned about "parenting the inner child" which was a theory then, that each of us has something left over from parent errors or parental incompetence that left part of our childhood unresolved and we needed to parent that part of us to maturity ourselves.  I hit the theory during the first time I had counseling for substance abuse and we did have success getting final growth for several of my inner children, but we could never reach one particular child that I mistook for something else I needed to close.  I had thought it was a tiny boy who was quickly medicated for things needing medication but was never just held and cuddled when the side effects screwed them up.  It was not a boy at all, it was a girl that had found no hope in being able to come out and be real.  The mistake I made was that when I first knew her as a him, I did not have the language or science to recognize her.  We got that straightened out after I had a relapse of substance abuse.  Your life Is not as weird here as you think.

[TommieAnne]

It's so interesting to read this thread and recognize things that have been going on with me for as long as I can remember.

My repressed inner self has been silenced and denied for the longest time, until she came stumbling out of the forest, frightened and overwhelmed. I would compare her to a 19 year old college girl who had lived her life under the thumb of restrictive parents.

Sure wish I looked more like that young woman!

[ShawnaLeigh]

52 minutes ago, TammyAnne said:

It's so interesting to read this thread and recognize things that have been going on with me for as long as I can remember.

My repressed inner self has been silenced and denied for the longest time, until she came stumbling out of the forest, frightened and overwhelmed. I would compare her to a 19 year old college girl who had lived her life under the thumb of restrictive parents.

Sure wish I looked more like that young woman!

I'm not religious but...

Ahh Men Sister...!!