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I have a dark secret. I need to share.

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I’ve read a lot here and my heart goes out to you all for the things you went threw.  My story does not seem to compare to most here but it was something that happened to me and I tried to forget about this and live my life.  Lately I have been in a place where my soul needs to be cleansed so here goes. 
I was sexually abused by an adult when I was 16.  
I was working at this point.  My second job.  Retail in a small local department store.  
My coworker was a super nice guy.  Funny.  Positive and extremely complimentary to everyone.  Everybody liked this guy.  I’m not sure how old he was but my best guess was in his twenties or low thirties.  Big guy too.  Well way bigger then me.  I wasn’t very big at 16. 
We got along really well but my supervisor never liked our friendship.  She always was telling him to leave me alone.  
I did not know why.  I was a stupid sheltered kid.  
So he invites me over for dinner and movies. Made it sound like a party. Not just me.   I’m ok with that and go that Friday evening.  
Long story short.  I was drugged and raped.  I don’t remember a lot of it but do know it was over several hours.  I was semi aware but powerless.  I tried to resist.  Nothing.  
I have no idea what he gave me but I was very sick from it later.   Or the thought made me sick.  
It was early in the morning I was able to get out of the house.  It was still dark. I hid in the woods and cried.  I didn’t know where I was or where my car was.  I just ran.  Once it got light I saw my car. 
Once I was able to get my nerve up and get to my car I drove home.  
I was so ashamed.  So hurt.  Angry.  But shame over all was the worst.  
I have had nightmares of this throughout my life. I can not even remember his name.  I never saw him again. Probably wouldn’t know him if he stood right next to me.  I quit my job and never went back into that store.  
I haven’t thought of this in years.  I have never shared this with anyone.  Old feelings of quilt and shame now.   

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First, you are not alone, and what happened to you does not deserve shame on your part although you have said you feel it.  Shame is a terrible devil that leads us to attack ourselves not just once but many times and for years, but we do not deserve to have it.  You have started Gender Therapy, and the good news is that your GT can help you work with this event.  In all likelihood the sense of shame has kept you from facing your gender because society does try to heap shame on us for being Trans, another shame we do not deserve.  Yes, you acted against advice and made a bad call on going with him.  It was a bad choice but an understandable one, in fact it could have been a wonderful choice and you could have had a wonderful time with a friend.  The two outcomes were both possible.  Yes, you did not have the experience to weigh in on your choice of action, but that was to be expected, and not shameful in and of itself.  You acted heroically on your own behalf when you could and did the right things there, many would not have handled it as well as you did in the long run.  Your GT will be thrilled to help you explore how to put this in perspective of the right things you did and how it will affect your life as you move forward.

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Thank you so much Vicky.  
I haven’t even thought of this in years.  Then reading about others brought it all back.  I feel it like it happened yesterday.   I am in a bit better place now then I was then but the shame was powerful.  
I understand more now.  I can’t imagine a day where I will feel proud of myself during any part of that experience.  But knowing other feel I did the right things does help me feel better. 
I feel others have gone threw far worse or still are.  I can feel for them vs myself.  

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