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I need to tell someone but who?


ShawnaLeigh

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I am still struggling with the fear of telling my wife.  I so want to but for reasons I said here more then a few times I just can’t do it yet.  
I am so close to just ripping the band aid off and I have been working on several letters in my head on who I want to tell this way.  Letters to work then the hospital staffs I work with are a breeze. But not the first folks I plan to tell.   I am very fortunate to work in a very tolerant environment for a university that is very progressive toward our community.  Central VT is as well and there are so many health and mental care professionals to have access to.  It is comforting to know I am in a place that is like VT.  
My mother is still not a part of my life. Maybe one day but that is far off.   My sister whom I’m very close to lives in Canada.  My two brothers live out of state and not sure what states if that tells you anything.  My father has past and My stepmother, who is 3 years older then me just moved to Florida.  But we are super close too.  
I may send personal emails to my sister and stepmother.  When the time is right.  my kids will know by personal letters too.  
The rest of the world will get my last Facebook post with my dead name telling them all.  I will close it down and reopen with my new name and see who still likes/loves me.  

I feel in my heart my wife should be first but that may take some time to crack that cookie.  more time then Zi want to wait.  
I need to tell someone.  I need to feel like someone close to me who cares will know.  Will support me.  Maybe even help me learn how to be me. 
I'm leaning towards my sister.  But feel guilty not telling Angela first.    
I am getting to a point where I have to do this for my sanity.  For my safety.  Regardless of how she reacts.  
 

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Do you have any close girl friends or other relatives?  People you know are already supporters of the LGBT+ community?  Someone you know you can trust to keep the news to themselves until you’re ready to tell more people?  Maybe a quick win will help build some confidence and give you some practice for when you’re ready to have the conversation with your wife. 
 

I know what you’re going through. I agonized for quite sometime before I worked up the courage to talk to my wife. I had a half dozen therapy sessions done in prep and I was still a mess. I still am as I am not too sure where things stand at the moment. 
 

I wish you the absolute best with whomever you decide to share your true self with. Be optimistic, but prepared to handle things going badly. Maybe talk through some possible outcomes and how you might react with your therapist. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara

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9 hours ago, SaraAW said:

Do you have any close girl friends or other relatives?  People you know are already supporters of the LGBT+ community?  Someone you know you can trust to keep the news to themselves until you’re ready to tell more people?  Maybe a quick win will help build some confidence and give you some practice for when you’re ready to have the conversation with your wife. 

Sadly I do not.  All my life I have kept people at arms length.  Kept them at a distance so when the relationship fell apart or faded away with job changes or whatever that it would not hurt as bad.  I have 3 "friends" but not one I consider a true 'best" friend.  They are all male and very much male but really super nice and caring guys if you can believe it.  Definitely not Type A macho but still very much guys.  However I doubt they are at a point where this would go over well with them.  I can see those relationships fading away once they know.  

Now I work alone day to day.  Its just the way the job is.  I am in a sea of strangers all day long in a hospital setting.  If I was more confident I may make some connections and hope to one day but this secret is holding me back from that too. 

 

I do not know anyone from the LGBT community at all.  I am also not very good at telling who is or is not apart of our family unless it is blatantly obvious.  I can not even think of one person who is.  Again I am naïve to a lot of this still.  My therapist has recommended I join a local group to get to know folks but this has its issues too.  My life is built around routine.  Go to work and go home.  I never just go out with the guys for a beer or and thing even remotely like that.  I am a family oriented person.  I love being at home with my wife and kids (when they lived here) and our dogs.  All of a sudden I want to start going out to just hang out with friend would be a huge red flag.  Maybe after I am out I can pursue this but for now I don't see how without it clocking me to something being "up".

 

I have literally dealt with this inside myself, all alone, for 45+ years.  Never talking to anyone about it until I joined this forum a week or so ago.  That is why I have been all over the forums like a bad rash.  Reading and learning and making connections.  Something my therapist is very proud I am doing.  However I still feel I am utterly alone in all this.  No offence to anyone here.  I love you all for what help and advice I have gotten but honestly I do not know anyone really.  Other then we what all type. 

My need to break out and say something, to someone who cares and loves me is becoming overwhelming.  One of my fears is that they will love "him" not me...  I know that is silly.  But a fear none the less.  

I have of course told my therapist all this, the very first person in my life to tell any of this too.  Its why I had so much anxiety before hand and even now.

But I am working towards what is right and healthy for myself albeit very slowly.

But it is so hard.  (So hard...)

I am making friends here and there are a few ladies I am feeling very close to now.  Very thankful to them for helping me see my worth and that I am not broken.  Not weird and that the things I am feeling is normal or as normal as can be for folks like us.

I love you all, thank you again.

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I think I understand. I told no one until a few months ago. My very first outing was to this site, then my GP, my therapist, my wife and lastly my endo. That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far. 
 

 I know one other trans person, my friends stepchild is trans. They are 12. My friend is not very accepting of the LGBT community as a result of his first wife leaving him for a woman. I so want to tell his son so they don’t feel so alone, but also don’t want my friend to find out about me right now as he is really my only friend at the moment.   

 

I live hours away from my family.  at work I have colleagues, but no one I’m really close to. 
 

I work long hours and with anxiety and mild depression mixed in, I’m pretty much a homebody at this point. 
 

The amazing folks on this site are my most precious resource and source of inspiration. 
 

I will be going to my first trans group gathering next week. I had intended to go last month, the group meets monthly, but they had conflicting information regarding meeting location and I only received  confirmation after the meeting had happened. 
 

I am getting closer and closer to the point where I just want to stop hiding and come out to the world and deal with the consequences, good and bad. 
 

You’ll find your community. It may be with folks on here or folks you meet in person, there are people who will accept you for you. 
 

*hugs*

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  • Forum Moderator

ShawnaLeigh,

 i remember being almost exactly where you are now.  Yes it was hard.  But time moved things along.  Today i have many friends both in and out of the LGBTQ community.  My small town has completely accepted me as has the people in my family that mean the most to me.

Therapy and my time here helped me more than anything.  I was told at one point:  "We've got your back".  I'm not sure why but that gave me strength.  

Many here have been where you are and found a path.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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2 hours ago, Charlize said:

Therapy and my time here helped me more than anything.

I feel this way every day now.  

Thank you all for being here for me.

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My number one rule for my wife is, "Don't Lie."

 

I like to spend home at time with Susan too, but I wanted to get out and meet other people in my situation, so I found a LGBTQ+ center in my area (sort of, it's 20 minutes out) and attended a couple of group therapy sessions. I met some neat people and generally had a good time. Assuming you've got somewhere to go, you can just start with, "My therapist suggested a group session, I'll be out from X to Y. Dinner is in the fridge."

The last part is all me. I've always done the cooking, but I always make sure there's something easy to heat up for Susan to eat if I'm going to be out.

 

Of course I've always spent a night or two out ever since we've been married. I'm a pretty rabid tabletop-RPG gamer so once a week I was out with my group. I didn't stick with the group therapy myself. The group was way too big to be useful, I didn't care for the drive, and the age group seemed to be about ten years older or ten years younger than me. There were people I liked, but nobody that really "clicked."

Again, that's me. I'm a tremendous introvert and at 20 people, that was about 14 past my comfort zone.

 

Of course, in a way, you've met plenty of trans people. We're all here.

 

Hugs!

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My therapist has recommended this too.  I am interested to meet other like myself and maybe make a friend or two.  I'm not real big on larger groups either.  I prefer 3 to 4.   I don't speak much if its much bigger then that.  

I will not need to lie to her about that at all.   Once she knows about me that is.  I am afraid and emotional over almost everything lately but I am still a proud person.  I don't need to create a story to cover anything.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

My number one rule for my wife is, "Don't Lie."

This goes triple of us too.  "Do Not Lie".  Number one rule raising my kids and we have never lied to one another.  If I truly was interested in ending our relationship all I have to do is start lying to her.  She can not and will not tolerate it. 

Now that being said.  I do not intentionally try to deceive her or make up a story to cover something bad, money spent, or whatever.  I am extremely forgetful at times too.

 

Concerning this.  I still feel like I am lying even now as I have not been open with her from the start about who I really am.  It can be looked at as a big ole lie and could spark the beginning of the end.

Even if she accepts me as I am she will be so hurt that I didn't trust in her to tell her from the beginning. It will be so hard to make up for that because she would be right.

Either way this plays out I will have a hard road with her.

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I felt that way too. I don't have family so I couldn't turn to siblings, but it was flat out killing me not to tell Susan. The first question she had was, "Have you been wearing my underwear." Weird to me, but as I've been talking to other women, it comes up more than you'd think. There were three basic stages of coming out to Susan.

 

#1. Therapy. "I'm entering into therapy." That one was easy. She just said, "OK." No questions asked. I was actually a little disappointed.

 

#2. Coming Out. My therapist suggested I come out in stages and start by saying I had a thing for cross-dressing. I didn't go with that. "No lies." I'd made a vow to always talk to Susan if I had a problem and always speak the entire truth. So I did that. It's one of the hardest things I ever did. I felt like I was going to vomit and I had NO idea what I was going to do if she rejected me. I opened with a joke (bad plan, do not do that), then I sat on the edge of the bed, and quietly explained the situation. Once I was done, I shut up and let her process what I'd just told her. She said I was still the person she loved and then she admitted she was into breasts. However, she wasn't ready to see me dressed right away.

 

#3. Girl Time. I work from home, so I kept girl time to the parts of my day when Susan was at work. She called me when she was on her way home and, for her, I put Jackie back into her box for a few hours. We got on with loving each other and talking about what I was going through. This lasted a couple of weeks before she decided that I could just be myself. And so I was.

 

I realize that's pretty close to a perfect response. There isn't anything I'd change. We still love each other and we're closer than ever. Like I've mentioned elsewhere, tonight we'll be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. I'm ridiculously content... and crying happy tears. I wish you all the best with your own spouse. After Susan, coming out to everyone else was nothing because the one person that matters most in my life is still on my side.

 

Hugs!

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  • 11 months later...

I know this is a year old but I was just curious if @ShawnaLeigh had an update to her story. I was searching topics for information about coming out in stages and this one came up. I realized it has been a year since I officially came out to my wife, even though she'd seen me cross dress several times prior. We finally had "the talk". I am in the process (stressing and looking for the right time) of coming out to more of my close friends.

 

 

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Jackie C.

Oh wow, it has been a year. So anyway @JamieL, Shawna's transitioned, moved across the country and moved on. Reportedly, she's very happy out in Oregon and living her new life.

 

Hugs!

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On 10/23/2020 at 1:40 PM, Jackie C. said:

Oh wow, it has been a year. So anyway @JamieL, Shawna's transitioned, moved across the country and moved on. Reportedly, she's very happy out in Oregon and living her new life.

 

Hugs!

That's fantastic, thanks for the update!  BTW, @Jackie C. I'm watching all of your YouTube updates from the beginning and I'm on #35 or so of your journey. Just wanted you to know that your "recruiting" works! I'm so happy to be here with you all!  

 

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Jackie C.

@jae bear is Jackie Rabbit. I'm much too shy to do anything like that.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

@jae bear is Jackie Rabbit. I'm much too shy to do anything like that.

 

Hugs!

Oh shoot, I thought someone told me you were Jackie Rabbit in my introduction post. My bad!  Thank you for the correction. 

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Jackie C.

My pleasure. I just wanted to make sure @jae bear got credit for all she does for the community.

 

Hugs!

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11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

@jae bear is Jackie Rabbit. I'm much too shy to do anything like that.

 

Hugs!


oh come on Jackie! I need a break you need to take over the channel for a while! LOL

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Jackie C.
13 hours ago, jae bear said:


oh come on Jackie! I need a break you need to take over the channel for a while! LOL

 

If *I* do it, you're going to be animated. Not putting my face up there thanks.

 

Hugs!

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LOL! Now that would be pretty cool! Maybe the channel needs to be run by an animated rabbit? The only problem with my connection to animation is that I come from Rogers side of the family and not Jessica’s!

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Jackie C.

You know, I was joking but I dug into it and realized I can export FaceRig performances as a Blender file so I can clean them up and make them pretty.

 

Shame on your for giving me a project! I'm already behind on my to-do list for today.

 

Hugs!

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3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

export FaceRig performances as a Blender file

WHAT?

 

Never mind...

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Jackie C.

FaceRig is quick and dirty animation software that does facial motion capture.

 

Blender is open source animation software that I use because I'm po'.

 

Hugs!

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I know how to open my browser!

 

Hugs!!!

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Jackie C.

Oh, well then. I'm apparently a sorceress then. 😜

 

Hugs!

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On 10/27/2020 at 12:23 PM, Jackie C. said:

Shame on your for giving me a project! I'm already behind on my to-do list for today.


oh my dear Jackie, I’m sure you realize by now I am completely shameless! I mean last weeks video is already over 15,000 views and climbing and all because I talked about dilation! I think I disappointed so many people keeping it clean! Then again I always make my videos as generically clean as possible because the possibility of young people in transition watching is always very real...

I’m extremely fascinated by your new project, I would really like to know what you come up with, I’d like to see it, I might even be able to use it on the channel if you’re willing to come up with something! I’m always struggling to come up with something funny at the end of the video, maybe you could do something funny or help me tell a joke and I could be the voice actor?

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