I just hit Send... OMG OMG OMG!!!!

[Jani]

Wonderful.  Thanks for the update.

 

[Lexi C]

Hey Shawna Leigh..so sorry I am late to the party.

I want through with same anxiety. My sis was the second person I told. My ex( she more of my BF) was the first. She was so accepting that it open up the flood ways and I just kept tell fam. and some friends Until I just FB my coming out...Your right..you will loss some but (in my experience ) I gain more then I lost. And today I want wig shopping with my mom..Never in my wilds dreams did I think that would have been possible..Be Proud, Be safe and Kick Ass

[Charlize]

That is wonderful to read ShawnaLeigh.  I'll go to bed with a smile.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Janae]

Yay!  So happy for you. ♥️
 

Janae

[ShawnaLeigh]

Thank you ladies. I am still running high on the feeling of validation.  100% total acceptance from her feels amazing.  
Poor girl grew up with 3 older brothers. Me being the oldest. Only to find out she had a big sister all along.  She is excited about having me be me.  
 The sad part is we now live in different countries and just to far away to do all the girl stuff we keep chatting about.  Plus you can’t imagine how much I need a hug from her.  ?

She is already asking tons of questions and giving advice.  She is surprised at how much I already know.  Which I credit you all for that. 
ive always been a stickler for prep and homework when it’s something I truly want or need.  
it’s paying off already.  

[SaraAW]

Well, it sounds like she’s giving you one heck of a long distance virtual hug with all her love and support. Any chance you or her can make the trek to visit in the near future?  Doesn’t quite feel the same as irl, but I’m sure it’s still pretty darn good. 

 

Research and prep usually pays off. Just be wary of analysis paralysis, I’ve got myself stuck there before. 
 

My little sis is an esthetician, I really hope she’s accepting when I come out to her as I would love to get all kinds of advice from her. 
 

Keep riding the euphoria, talk to your therapist and start planning for the next step in your journey when you’re ready. 
 

*hugs*

[ShawnaLeigh]

57 minutes ago, SaraAW said:

Research and prep usually pays off. Just be wary of analysis paralysis

This is good advice.  I have gotten myself in a pickle over having to much info before in other aspects of my life.  Ignorance can be bliss but I find I would rather know the truth of the matter and deal with it then ignore it.

I can feel a change in myself from my experience coming out to my sister.  She made it a very positive experience for me.  My anxieties seem to be burning a lot lower then they have been.  Information and experiences here have taught me so much about myself I am blown away.

I truly feel I am on the cliffs edge of just saying it and getting it out there for all to hear so I can move on and be myself.

 

However, I am trying to plan for my future with concerns to my wife, our life, and marriage or the potential lack of.  

I hate to remove the emotional factors of marriage and love but I have to when it comes to simple survival.  This could potentially kill my marriage.  I know this.  maybe not but I do not know as of right now.  This could not only make me homeless but with little future to look forward to as well.

I am 52 and have lived under crippling child support requirements for over 30+ years.  I made poor money decisions in my past.  I have no savings. Ok, $5 to keep my account open-no lie.  Hardly anything towards retirement and I can do the math to know I do not have enough years left to work to build my own retirement.  I have to face that I am always going to be "someone's" partial dependent.  Not that I want to be like this to anyone else.  I am not jobless and make decent money but at this time and probably for the next few years I am only able to "help" with living expenses.

These are facts.  I hate it but I know it is true.  I feel trapped by it and I don't need to feel trapped any more then I already do within myself.

It is one of my biggest fears as a older adult facing my retirement years that I will have nothing for it.

I love my wife, very much, and do not want to lose her or anything we have together.  Our home, our dogs (who are our children in essence) and just our life together means so much to me.  I do not just see her as a means to "cover" these later years but I am not an idiot or going to lie and say it is not a major concern for me.

This keeps me from pulling that preverbal band aid off with her.

I know it will have to.  It WILL happen.  I will not survive mentally if I do not.  I just wish I could find a Plan B in case my life crumbs around me and I am left alone.  Anything to feel like I can survive if I lose everything again.  My three divorces and loosing 3 lives/homes/families has made me gun shy and mistrustful of this...

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

However, I am trying to plan for my future with concerns to my wife, our life, and marriage or the potential lack of.  

I hate to remove the emotional factors of marriage and love but I have to when it comes to simple survival.  This could potentially kill my marriage.  I know this.  maybe not but I do not know as of right now.  This could not only make me homeless but with little future to look forward to as well.

I am 52 and have lived under crippling child support requirements for over 30+ years.  I made poor money decisions in my past.  I have no savings. Ok, $5 to keep my account open-no lie.  Hardly anything towards retirement and I can do the math to know I do not have enough years left to work to build my own retirement.  I have to face that I am always going to be "someone's" partial dependent.  Not that I want to be like this to anyone else.  I am not jobless and make decent money but at this time and probably for the next few years I am only able to "help" with living expenses.

These are facts.  I hate it but I know it is true.  I feel trapped by it and I don't need to feel trapped any more then I already do within myself.

 

In your shoes, and I wish I'd done this myself but I can be impulsive. I'd look at my life and ask myself, "What do I absolutely need?" For me, that's roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I'd also need a computer with an internet connection, my kindle...and my cat (I'd worry about him with anyone else). That's it. I can manage those things in a small space. I'm going to assume you have friends. Do any of them need a roommate? I can confine everything I absolutely have to have to a single room. I could happily take on a share in a two bedroom apartment in exchange for help with the chores. You could probably couch surf while you carefully scoped out another living situation. Heck, maybe a coworker would let you crash with them in exchange for half the rent. I'd expect your wife to give you more of an ultimatum anyway, something like "You're out in 30 days."

I've always wondered about that. Why is it always the woman who throws her partner out? I'm familiar with the dynamic, I'm just not sure why it exists.

 

Anyway, once you had that straightened out as a plan B, then pull off the band-aid. I'd also explain while I was coming out that I waited a little to make sure I had somewhere to go if my wife rejected me. Too many of us are homeless because of situations like this.

 

Oh, and maybe get someone you trust to help you with your money if she throws you out. I'm not good (apocalypticly bad is closer to the truth) with money either. I know it. Susan knows it. I won't touch the checkbook and ask my spouse if I need money for something.

 

Best of luck!

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

19 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

So final update.  
I had a wonderful day just chit chatting with my sister all day long via Messenger.   
It was so amazing to be treated as the women I am.  For who I really am.  She treated me Like a sister, like it has been like this our whole lives.  
 

 

It as I had suspected as I've seen this many times. Genetic female siblings are most often the greatest advocate within the family unit that a trans-woman can possibly ever have. Told-ja-so Shawna!

[ShawnaLeigh]

44 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I'm going to assume you have friends. Do any of them need a roommate?

I have 3 guy friends all married with little kids.  I also assume this will not go over well with them.

I am at a point where I really have no one to turn to unless I want to completely move out of the country and go to Canada with my sister.  Her husband said I was welcome.  

But I can not do that.

I will figure it out but there is no way I am being a burden on anyone for any amount of time.

[ShawnaLeigh]

45 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

 

It as I had suspected as I've seen this many times. Genetic female siblings are most often the greatest advocate within the family unit that a trans-woman can possibly ever have. Told-ja-so Shawna!

You did.  I heard you but as my wife says I seldom listen.  LOL

[Jackie C.]

44 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I have 3 guy friends all married with little kids.  I also assume this will not go over well with them.

I am at a point where I really have no one to turn to unless I want to completely move out of the country and go to Canada with my sister.  Her husband said I was welcome.  

 

Take this with a grain of salt. Like I said. Super. Impulsive.

 

Why assume that it won't go over well? I don't know what the climate in Vermont is like (I know you have good chocolate and a lake monster, that's about it), but I haven't lost any friends. Not even the ones I was SURE were going to reject me or at least react poorly.

I can see the kids thing though. There's just not room for Aunt Shawna to visit. That's fine. You can still check for rooms with your local LGBTQ community center though. There could be like-minded people looking for someone to share space with to keep costs down. You can keep assuming the worst, but don't forget to hope for the best too.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I may be way over thinking it.  I tend to do that a lot.  She may be accepting.  I can not read her one way or the other.  She says things to me that I catch that seem like she knows but I can’t think of an example right this minute.  
We have a day trip tomorrow to the coast.  Shopping.  I am hoping to find a way to just probe the topic.  Like what she feels about trans folks would be a good start.   Be better if we see someone for me to bring up the top vs just out of the blue. 
Maybe even try to get a read on what she feels about lesbian relations.  Not be in her face but just something to gauge her level of acceptance or disgust.  
 

as for preparing for plan B.  I am sure I can land on my feet.  I’m like a cat.  Been there done that.  But never before have I realized how little support I truly have around me now.  It’s kind of scary.  

[Jackie C.]

Oh, here's a thought: Mention that you met a trans-women (or a dozen) on-line and that she seems like good people. It's a conversation starter, it's true and you can use it as a barometer for your wife's feelings on the matter.

 

Best of luck!

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

Oh course that begs the question "what were you doing online talking to transwomen?"  Better to relate to someone you met at a work site or event.  Don't dig yourself a deeper hole than you can crawl out of!

[Jackie C.]

Point, but it seemed like a better segue than, "How about them lesbians?" Somebody you met reads as, "Hey, this happened to me and I'm sharing." The first one sounds more like, "So, how would you react if I brought another women into our bed?"

 

Just my two cents. Either way, I hope the conversation goes well.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

51 minutes ago, Jani said:

Oh course that begs the question "what were you doing online talking to transwomen?"  Better to relate to someone you met at a work site or event.  Don't dig yourself a deeper hole than you can crawl out of!

I have to agree with this.  No offense Jacky C.  Lol

[NB Adult]

57 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I have to agree with this.  No offense Jacky C.  Lol

 

Bottom line, not all wives are equal...

[ShawnaLeigh]

I will find a way to talk to her about this.  Somehow.  I have to.  Eventually I will have no choice.  I can’t live like this much longer.  

[NB Adult]

Unfortunately we all resort to a lot of deceit to facilitate the direction we are traveling, I am guilty of it and I know most others are as well. In retrospect it is so much better to just get it out there with as much finesse as possible rather than have to backpedal through the whole sordid business of having piled layer after layer of BS on her due to fears of an explosive confrontation. Best to take the pragmatic approach that she's either going to be willing to talk through it and work with you or dump you and move on with her life.

[Jackie C.]

22 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I have to agree with this.  No offense Jacky C.  Lol

 

No, I get it. You know your wife better than I do. I still wouldn't keep it from her any longer than you had to,

21 hours ago, NB Adult said:

 

Bottom line, not all wives are equal...

 

Darn right! Mine's the best. ?

 

Still wish you all the best Shauna. We'll be here to congratulate you or help pick up the pieces either way.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

I'm so happy for you ShawnaLeigh!

This is a wonderful outcome. Now you have a family ally!