I don't know what to think of myself...

[nejj]

Hello, sorry for first post here. I will try to keep this as short as I can even though I’ve been so distressed lately.

I was born female and I look very female. Despite this I’ve always had a great deal of dysphoria relating to my body (I hate my big chest and hips). I generally enjoy more guy’s things and I’ve always found it easier to relate to male characters no matter how hard I tried to like myself as a girl. This has been my whole life, I’m 29 now.

I’ve only just recently started to be honest about my feelings with only close friends and my mother. I’ve been met with… acceptable response, I guess. Not outright disgust, but lots of jokes about how I’m really a woman, I’ll be r*ped, haha funny stuff. I guess at least they aren’t disowning me.

My problem is… I don’t really understand myself. Because even though I prefer the idea of being male and would be so happy if I could have just been born a male, I just don’t want to ever go through a transition to be one. I would very much LOVE to get top surgery at least, and just make myself look less feminine in general, but I don’t feel comfortable completely changing my body otherwise. I can’t really explain why. I’ve always been weird about changing myself drastically, it just doesn’t feel right to me, but I am at least sure I would be happy with certain physical changes like a lack of chest.

I also don’t mind using female pronouns, and I’ve told people that, but I don’t like the constant insistence that I am female. Like fine, use female pronouns, I don’t like complicating things, but at the very least could you not take every opportunity you can to tell me I’m definitely a woman… I don’t know. Is that too weird? Am I completely insane?

What do I even call myself like this…? Am I gender neutral? I don’t really like using “they/them”. I grew up with she/her so even though I don’t like being a woman I feel very weird changing from those. Could help that I have mild autism, and big changes cause me a lot of stress.  

I wouldn’t mind going my life presenting as female, partially because I’m a coward and partially because it’s what I’m used to, even though my body makes me feel depressed. Do people often feel this way?

I don’t know what to think.

I should mention that I did talk to my psychiatrist about this already and she said she’ll look into someplace I can go for more assistance since she herself doesn’t deal with it. Until then I’m waiting, and because my friends and family have just been making me feel worse lately… I just wish I had someone who understood.

[Jani]

Welcome Nejj! 

 

OK don't stress out.  There is no strict route on this life journey.  You move as fast and far as you are comfortable with.  There is no trans yardstick to measure up to.  If you are generally happy but don't particularly like your breasts, OK.  You can do something about that at some point.  That's good that you have a therapist and they are working with you.  

 

Please join in the conversation here.  There are lots of folks here who understand.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Jackie C.]

Nothing to apologize for. Everybody was new once.

 

Your psychiatrist has the right idea, she's in over her head and will likely refer you to another psychiatrist who has experience in dealing with gender issues. It sounds like you're experiencing gender dysphoria to some degree. People who haven't felt it (the other 99.5% of the population) don't really understand how it feels. Disgust with your body and not feeling at home in your own skin are pretty common. Your shiny new psychiatrist will probably tell you the same plus a bunch of other stuff. "Dammit Jim, I'm an author not a doctor!"

 

Jani's right, there's no rush. Talk to your new doctor and figure out what's right for you. There are as many ways to be people as there are people. There's only one way to be nejj. Figure out what nejj needs and do that. As an aside, if you let us know, we'll use whatever pronouns they want. Personally, I bought a shirt that says. "She, Her, Hers" to remind people. I don't always wear it (obviously, because ew), but I own one. Anyway, the point I was making before my brain derailed me was that you need to figure out what you want. You're on the right path already. Talk it out and think about what would really make you happy.

 

I'm happy you're taking action though. I pushed down my feelings way longer and it turned into depression and self-destructive behavior. Also I was an ass. I got the help I needed and am slowly turning into an actual person. Go figure, right?

 

In any case, welcome to the community. We're a friendly bunch and you can talk to us about anything. No judgement. We've all been there.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, nejj said:

Hello, sorry for first post here. I will try to keep this as short as I can even though I’ve been so distressed lately.

 

I was born female and I look very female. Despite this I’ve always had a great deal of dysphoria relating to my body (I hate my big chest and hips). I generally enjoy more guy’s things and I’ve always found it easier to relate to male characters no matter how hard I tried to like myself as a girl. This has been my whole life, I’m 29 now.

 

 LOVE to get top surgery at least, and just make myself look less feminine in general, but I don’t feel comfortable completely changing my body otherwise. I can’t really explain why. I’ve always been weird about changing myself drastically, it just doesn’t feel right to me, but I am at least sure I would be happy with certain physical changes like a lack of chest.

I wouldn’t mind going my life presenting as female, partially because I’m a coward and partially because it’s what I’m used to, even though my body makes me feel depressed. Do people often feel this way?
 

 

You'll have to forgive me for parsing through your post like this, but what you have said above struck a chord with me. I'm a genetic male who spent over 20 years on female hormones, was altered below the belt. I've since dropped the female hormones and gone back on testosterone partially because I hated the pear shape I was getting and the weight I had gained. Since then, all that had gone away and I'm a good 60 pounds lighter and looking like my old self except the boobs are still there and make a big statement which draws attention from others and makes me feel extremely self conscious. 

 

So knowing how males and even other women sometimes zoom right in on women's boobs, openly ogle and objectivize them (and omg those nipples that sometimes show through certain fabrics), I wonder if perhaps this might be a big part of what bothers you. Perhaps you might consider getting some professional counseling and bring this up before you decide that a double radical mastectomy is even worth considering. Most of our self image problems are in our own head and talk therapy can work wonders.  

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Sadly I can not add anything and what your experiencing is beyond mine.  But the three ladies that have already chimed in are some of the wisest here.  They have helped me tremendously.  
I will say this forum is a wonderful place to find answers and to ask a few questions.  
There is always someone who knows exactly what your going through.  You are not alone

 

Welcome to our family.  

[nejj]

18 hours ago, NB Adult said:

 

You'll have to forgive me for parsing through your post like this, but what you have said above struck a chord with me. I'm a genetic male who spent over 20 years on female hormones, was altered below the belt. I've since dropped the female hormones and gone back on testosterone partially because I hated the pear shape I was getting and the weight I had gained. Since then, all that had gone away and I'm a good 60 pounds lighter and looking like my old self except the boobs are still there and make a big statement which draws attention from others and makes me feel extremely self conscious. 

 

So knowing how males and even other women sometimes zoom right in on women's boobs, openly ogle and objectivize them (and omg those nipples that sometimes show through certain fabrics), I wonder if perhaps this might be a big part of what bothers you. Perhaps you might consider getting some professional counseling and bring this up before you decide that a double radical mastectomy is even worth considering. Most of our self image problems are in our own head and talk therapy can work wonders.  

 

These are very good thoughts, and I wouldn't have the money to do anything like top surgery for a long time anyway even, so I'm sure it'll inevitably come up during therapy long before that could ever become a possibility. The reasons I'm not sure if this is really the case though is because I've never felt awkward or conscious of other people looking at me... It's always just been my views of myself and how I look in the mirror. In fact I've somewhat assumed my whole life nobody really bothers to look at me, especially when I tend to wear super loose/generic t-shirts such. It's entirely been something I've hated about myself and even went through a period of time where I tried to force myself to be happy with it with little success.

But still, a therapist never hurt anyone.

[Robin]

Hi Nejj,

 

You say that you have a female body and a male mind.  That is perfectly acceptable, and there is no need for you to change anything about yourself, unless it is making you unhappy.  Don't feel pressurised into fixing things that are not broken, but don't be afraid to make any adjustments that will make you feel better.

 

Robin.