Yes. No. Maybe. I dont know.....

[ShawnaLeigh]

54 minutes ago, SaraAW said:

She says she still loves me and we still sleep in the same bed. So I am hopeful with time we’ll find our balance. 

As do we but its a super sized king.  Which we bought because our dogs have just got to sleep on the bed with us.  LOL

So we both get the outer 6"-8" of bed edge and seriously about 3.5 feet away from each other every night.

Talk about a sexual barrier..

 

[SaraAW]

Oh I remember those days when we had our fur babies. Ours were small breeds and we have a queen-sized bed. Found ourselves on the same precipice each night. Through no small miracle, neither of us ever fell off or rolled into one of them. 
 

It definitely made intimacy challenging. When we shut the door with them on the other side, they always looked so hurt. Then they would scratch and cry at the door. 
 

I can’t really blame them, they just have such unconditional love and wanted to be with us as much as possible. 

I miss them dearly. Hopefully won’t be too much longer before we’re ready for another adoption. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara

[ShawnaLeigh]

Update. Things are steadily degrading as time goes on.  Me being completely open and providing a complete account of my history with my gender issues has seemed to do nothing.  
I am being told she will support and help me but what I’m truly getting is constraints , time lines and ultimatums on how much I do.  How quickly I convert and even on who I tell.  
I spent about 3 hours last night awake thinking about that and it made me angry.  Resolute.  This marriage is not falling apart because of me.  It’s not my fault.  I am only being myself.  I not not want to divorce.  
It’s falling apart because of her fears and I dare stay bigotry even on a slight level toward people like myself.  Her not truly accepting me for who I am and being ashamed of me on some level.  Her not wanting to be labeled or associating with the LBGT+ community.
It hurts.  It is a hard thing to realize in a person whom you love respect and cherish.  
However it is sadly desensitized my feelings too towards her and our marriage and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone who can not accept me for who I am.  
I will continue to try and salvage our marriage because I believe in it and our vows but I am starting to see she maybe right but for all the wrong reasons.  
this weekend is suppose to be a huge “let’s talk” weekend so we will see.  
Don’t wish me luck.  Wish me strength to stand up for myself.  I am still intimidated by her strong unemotional personality.  I will need to dig deep.  I will not cry!

[NB Adult]

The typical problem with S.O.'s is "OMG what will the neighbors, friends and relatives think?" Something you both need to work through if at all possible.

[TTheta]

4 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Update. Things are steadily degrading as time goes on.  Me being completely open and providing a complete account of my history with my gender issues has seemed to do nothing.  
I am being told she will support and help me but what I’m truly getting is constraints , time lines and ultimatums on how much I do.  How quickly I convert and even on who I tell.  
I spent about 3 hours last night awake thinking about that and it made me angry.  Resolute.  This marriage is not falling apart because of me.  It’s not my fault.  I am only being myself.  I not not want to divorce.  
It’s falling apart because of her fears and I dare stay bigotry even on a slight level toward people like myself.  Her not truly accepting me for who I am and being ashamed of me on some level.  Her not wanting to be labeled or associating with the LBGT+ community.
It hurts.  It is a hard thing to realize in a person whom you love respect and cherish.  
However it is sadly desensitized my feelings too towards her and our marriage and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone who can not accept me for who I am.  
I will continue to try and salvage our marriage because I believe in it and our vows but I am starting to see she maybe right but for all the wrong reasons.  
this weekend is suppose to be a huge “let’s talk” weekend so we will see.  
Don’t wish me luck.  Wish me strength to stand up for myself.  I am still intimidated by her strong unemotional personality.  I will need to dig deep.  I will not cry!

I wish you strength and sturdiness to be yourself despite others. If she doesn't accept you, she does't deserve you. I understand how that hurts and it's okay to cry we are here for you, where ever your path may take you. Don't let one person out of millions make you feel worthless or any of that nonsense. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

43 minutes ago, Aidan5 said:

I wish you strength and sturdiness to be yourself despite others. If she doesn't accept you, she does't deserve you. I understand how that hurts and it's okay to cry we are here for you, where ever your path may take you. Don't let one person out of millions make you feel worthless or any of that nonsense. 

Thank you❤️❤️❤️

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, NB Adult said:

The typical problem with S.O.'s is "OMG what will the neighbors, friends and relatives think?" Something you both need to work through if at all possible.

I honestly don’t care what other think.  I know some will not be ok.  That’s their issue not mine.  But yes I can see it bothers her.  

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

I wish you strength and sturdiness to be yourself despite others. If she doesn't accept you, she does't deserve you. I understand how that hurts and it's okay to cry we are here for you, where ever your path may take you. Don't let one person out of millions make you feel worthless or any of that nonsense. 

 

Ditto on Aidan's comments!

[Charlize]

ShawnaLeigh, i don't know if it helps but my wife felt much the same way.  The idea of being married to a woman, and she disputed that, was just too much.  Not to mention "what would people say".  Anyway patience, tears and a lot of love helped us move through.  Years later and we are closer than ever.  It can work out for you and regardless patience and kindness will make life better in the long run for everyone involved.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

May you have the strength of the woman that lies within.

Though waves of fear and doubt might batter you, you will not break.

Through the sea of doubt, despair and desolation, you will not falter.

You are a rock.

The ocean will break around you. It will not cover you.

It will wash away the person you once were,

And raise up the shining women you wish to become.

 

I'm apparently into water metaphors today. Still, I wish for nothing more than your success in becoming the person you were meant to be. Your best self.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Well my saga continues.  
I had given her a super long history and yet another long email opening up even more.  
My mistake was sending it to her while she was at work.  Now my wife is very unemotional and has a lot of self control but that email made her break down and ball in front of everyone she works with.  Big open office space. Not good.  
I feel terrible and pretty low over that.  It was not my intention to hurt her nor did I even feel the email was anything that would of EVER provolked her to tears.  
Anyways this lead to a  we had a “Lets Talk” Day and basically I’m being asked to move into our spare bedroom.  She was talking even more about how to proceed further towards divorce however still had no intentions of kicking me out anytime soon

She begs me to go to therapy and stay in therapy.  If I decided I don’t want to then I am going to be asked to leave.  Luckily I love to go as I feel so much better.  So that’s a win.  
My highest anxiety still is my almost 100% dependency on her to live.  It hard to admit but I have myself in a very tight financial situation.  Tight being severely understated. 
My biweekly take home is only $1480.  Unless I get OT.  Which is not guaranteed.  My bills every two weeks is $1350.  That is loans, lease and minor utilities. Do the math.  Not a lot for living expenses not to mention rent or whatever.  
So now I’m in “sell everything I own to pay off debt” mode.  Which is very frustrating and hard for me.  
All this because I just want to be myself.  
The thing is I have no one close to me to help.  No family close.  No friends that even know about me yet and definitely not a spare bedroom to let me crash for s bit.  No one.  So I am feeling very alone in all this too. Very afraid for my future. 
I have the love and support from my friends here.  And I thank you.  I have Two family members that know and both very supportive but both live very far away.  One out of the country.  
I am hoping to meet some trans friend in a group my therapist recommended but it not like I can be. “Hello I’m Shawna. I’m a financial looser.  Do you need a room mate?”  
I have not even gone to a group yet.  I feel lost and frustrated and alone.  

So yea.  I’m pretty stressed out over it all still. 
 

[ShawnaLeigh]

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

May you have the strength of the woman that lies within.

Though waves of fear and doubt might batter you, you will not break.

Through the sea of doubt, despair and desolation, you will not falter.

You are a rock.

The ocean will break around you. It will not cover you.

It will wash away the person you once were,

And raise up the shining women you wish to become.

 

I'm apparently into water metaphors today. Still, I wish for nothing more than your success in becoming the person you were meant to be. Your best self.

 

Hugs!

Thank you Jackie.  Love you lots.  

[TTheta]

Just remember, once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there. Stay strong, I believe you will find a way :))

[NB Adult]

Shawna, having read what you wrote leaves me with the impression that you might be torpedoing yourself as you are dependent on her as your financial partner. I'd suggest that you re-read your own post because there is an important element mostly missing from all that you are telling us, which is your undying love and concern for her. No one here promotes or is in favor of seeing families break up through divorce, for me and others here it wasn't an option and we made concessions. It might help if you back off the throttle and put her back in the center of your universe for awhile. Wishing you well and all the success, it takes work.  ((Hugs)) 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Well I had a tough start to my day.  The day I was to move out of our bedroom and into the spare room.  We worked together to swap out beds with one I owned before our marriage.  We talked. We cried.  We talked more and got a ton off our chests.  By the end of the day she was feeling more accepting to me.  She helped me all day set up everything. Decorate.  Helped move all my clothes and even gave me some things.  It’s a little thing but she gave me a new pink pouf for my shower gel. A new bar of Caress bar soap and picked out flowery pillow cases.  
we joked and she poked fun about certain feminine things and was giving advice on how women do things.  I had a good day.  Towards the end she was treating me like a women in some respects.  
She maintains she will not stay married to me but she is definitely trying to be my friend still.  
it was nice.  

[NB Adult]

Sounds quite positive Shawna, keep on keeping on with her!

[SaraAW]

Only time will truly tell how things work out. She does sound accepting you as person and that she cares for you still. Make sure you keep communicating. Some of the pushback you are experiencing may be a result of the pace you’re moving at. Remember you’ve been dealing with this for a long time, she hasn’t. You may need to try and find a balance between what you need and she can accept if you want to try for keeping your marriage alive.
 

I have had to slow down a lot. We just celebrated our anniversary over the weekend. We went away. It was nice, but I had to go as the fake me in his entirety. 
 

I hope things can improve for you Shawna, with time and understanding  they may. 
 

*hugs*