The story of Mira

[MiraM]

Hello there.  My name is Ilmira, but I usually just go by Mira.  I decided to post my intro here since there is a lot to tell, and it seemed more appropriate here than just doing a quick hello.  So, here goes.

 

I started feeling that that was something different about me at a very young age, probably 5 or 6 years old.  I can remember being jealous of the clothes my sister got to wear, and didn't really understand why everyone kept saying that I was a boy.  I also started secretly wearing some of my sister's clothes around this time.  I didn't have the words to say what I was feeling, so I kept the feelings to myself, and continued to be confused.

 

My father was career Military, and we lived in a very strict home where everyone was expect to be the good soldier and conform.  As I got a little older, the feelings I had continued to get stronger and my cross dressing also continued.  This was during the late 1960's and early 1970's.  I was just beginning to hear about Gay people and Trans people, and also remember hearing my parents saying that these people were crazy or perverted.  Of course this really made me feel that I had to hide what I was feeling.  I was starting to get interested in makeup as well, and every time I was caught with some my mother had thrown away, I was severely punished.  I also began to suffer emotional abuse from my father early on.  I was always told that I wasn't good enough, and that nothing I ever did would be good enough.  This continued for most of my life, and later manifested itself as C-PTSD.

 

Around the age of 10, I discovered alcohol.  My father used to make wine, and I was curious about it so I snuck a bottle.  What a wonderful thing that was.  It seemed to make all of my problems go away.  I got very sick afterwards, but couldn't wait to do it again.  I had found the answer to my problems.  At around 14 years old, I discovered drugs and I was really in heaven.  I continued to cross dress in secret, but the drugs and alcohol made it more bearable to have this secret.  I also discovered sex.  I could dress as a girl, and have sex, and for at least a little while, feel normal.    I also found that I could trade sex for the substances that I needed.  This pattern continued through high school, and beyond.

 

In 1984, I decided to join the Navy because that was going to make a man out of me, and maybe it would be something that my father could finally be proud of me for.  While in the Navy, the cross dressing, sex, alcohol and drugs continued.  After basic training, and A School, I went in to the Nuclear Power Training School.  Shortly into that training, I was removed and sent to the substance abuse treatment program.  I did not want to be there and did not complete the program.  When I finally made it to the ship I was to be stationed on, I found a place to live off base and was able to continue my behaviors freely when not on duty.My alcoholism, addiction and gender dysphoria continued to get worse, and the out of control sexual behavior continued as well.

 

In 1987, I was again removed from my duty station and hospitalized.  This time it was not in a treatment program, but on the psych ward of the base hospital.  After 2 weeks there, I was sent to the psych ward at Eglin AFB where I spent the next 6 months.  This was the end of my Naval career, and I was discharged in early 1988 with a service connected disability.

 

Upon returning home, I quickly resumed all of my habits, including the cross dressing.  I bounced from job to job, and would do anything to make sure I had enough to drink and use.  I continued to trade sex for my fix.  I continued on this path until December of that year.

 

On December 28, 1988, I had reached the breaking point with everything.  I felt that I could no longer continue with the drugs and alcohol, and the gender dysphoria was more than I could handle.  After a day filled with drinking and drugs, I put a fully loaded pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  Fate intervened and it fell on a dead round.  That was the final thing that had me convinced that I was a failure.  I could not even die.  That night, I checked myself in to treatment again. 

 

I was able to stay drug and alcohol free for 12 years.  I got married, and we had two beautiful daughters.  I did not disclose my gender issues to my wife, and she found out.  The fallout from the years of deception on my part ended our marriage in 1999.  At that point I found a gender therapist and began to transition.  I also went back into a deep depression and began cutting myself.  I also returned to using alcohol.  This resulted in several confinements to the psych ward of the VA Hospital, and I ended my transition.

 

I did manage to stay sober for a bit and during that time, met and married a Trans Man.  He knew from the start that I was Trans, but not actively transitioning.  I returned to alcohol again in 2004.

 

Over the next 14 years, my drinking got progressively worse, as did my depression and gender dysphoria.  In 2016, I moved back to NC and began therapy again.  After a year or so, I brought up the topic of Gender, and expressed my desire to Transition.  I went on HRT again in January of 2017.  This helped with the dysphoria , and I also began presenting as my true self more.  The depression and drinking did not lessen however.  In November of 2018, I found myself on the verge of being homeless, and a co-worker suggested that I share an apartment with her as it would benefit both of us.  I told her about my plans to transition and she was fine with it.  She was also a recovering alcoholic so I decided that out of respect for her, I would have no alcohol in the house.  Little did I know that November 1, 2018 would be the last drink I took. 

 

I stayed away from drinking until December of 2018, and started having a run of bad luck, and was close to attempting suicide again.  My roommate saw this and suggested that I go to a meeting with her.  At that point I was broken and said yes.

 

Fast forward a bit.  Over the next several months I began presenting more and more as the woman that I am, and on August 15, 2019 I fully transitioned socially, and began to live as Me for the first time in my life.

 

I still struggle with a lot of issues such as body image/positivity, lots of health issues, and am bordering on an eating disorder.  Even with all of this, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and just celebrated 1 year of sobriety.

 

Thanks for reading all of this.  I hope I didn't ramble on too much, but I really just needed to let people know who I am at a deeper lever.

 

Hugs,

Mira

 

 

[Jani]

Thank you for sharing Mira.  I understand some of this can be hard to recount.  

 

Jani

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, MiraM said:

Thanks for reading all of this.  I hope I didn't ramble on too much, but I really just needed to let people know who I am at a deeper lever.

Hello Mira. welcome. Thank you for sharing the timeline of your life's journey.  It is very well written and I enjoyed reading it very much.  Your life story, up until about 1984, sounds very similar to my story up until that same year.  You were raised by parents very much like mine and I empathized with you so much while reading about them.  

 

You have had a life of hard knocks but managed to get through it all.  You definitely have a special purpose here on this Earth.  The sheer fact that you're still here to lay this all out for us says it all.

 

I hope your journey becomes easier as you progress and become the person you are.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Krisvm]

Hi Mira,

 

Thank you so much for sharing. You have clearly gone through a lot and glad you are happier now.

 

Good luck with continuing your journey.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Kris

[tracy_j]

Thank you Mira,

 

It must be hard to recount but good when you see how far you have come and better you feel.

 

Tracy

[NB Adult]

12 hours ago, Susan R said:

 You definitely have a special purpose here on this Earth.  The sheer fact that you're still here to lay this all out for us says it all.

 

I always appreciate Susan R's kind and thoughtful comments here, she's right Mira you do have a purpose and are quite special having survived such a stressful life thus far. I always find that chapter five in the AA Big Book is a good one to re-read for a quick tune up when things begin to spin out of control. My best!