Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


The story of Mira

Recommended Posts


Hello there.  My name is Ilmira, but I usually just go by Mira.  I decided to post my intro here since there is a lot to tell, and it seemed more appropriate here than just doing a quick hello.  So, here goes.


I started feeling that that was something different about me at a very young age, probably 5 or 6 years old.  I can remember being jealous of the clothes my sister got to wear, and didn't really understand why everyone kept saying that I was a boy.  I also started secretly wearing some of my sister's clothes around this time.  I didn't have the words to say what I was feeling, so I kept the feelings to myself, and continued to be confused.


My father was career Military, and we lived in a very strict home where everyone was expect to be the good soldier and conform.  As I got a little older, the feelings I had continued to get stronger and my cross dressing also continued.  This was during the late 1960's and early 1970's.  I was just beginning to hear about Gay people and Trans people, and also remember hearing my parents saying that these people were crazy or perverted.  Of course this really made me feel that I had to hide what I was feeling.  I was starting to get interested in makeup as well, and every time I was caught with some my mother had thrown away, I was severely punished.  I also began to suffer emotional abuse from my father early on.  I was always told that I wasn't good enough, and that nothing I ever did would be good enough.  This continued for most of my life, and later manifested itself as C-PTSD.


Around the age of 10, I discovered alcohol.  My father used to make wine, and I was curious about it so I snuck a bottle.  What a wonderful thing that was.  It seemed to make all of my problems go away.  I got very sick afterwards, but couldn't wait to do it again.  I had found the answer to my problems.  At around 14 years old, I discovered drugs and I was really in heaven.  I continued to cross dress in secret, but the drugs and alcohol made it more bearable to have this secret.  I also discovered sex.  I could dress as a girl, and have sex, and for at least a little while, feel normal.    I also found that I could trade sex for the substances that I needed.  This pattern continued through high school, and beyond.


In 1984, I decided to join the Navy because that was going to make a man out of me, and maybe it would be something that my father could finally be proud of me for.  While in the Navy, the cross dressing, sex, alcohol and drugs continued.  After basic training, and A School, I went in to the Nuclear Power Training School.  Shortly into that training, I was removed and sent to the substance abuse treatment program.  I did not want to be there and did not complete the program.  When I finally made it to the ship I was to be stationed on, I found a place to live off base and was able to continue my behaviors freely when not on duty.My alcoholism, addiction and gender dysphoria continued to get worse, and the out of control sexual behavior continued as well.


In 1987, I was again removed from my duty station and hospitalized.  This time it was not in a treatment program, but on the psych ward of the base hospital.  After 2 weeks there, I was sent to the psych ward at Eglin AFB where I spent the next 6 months.  This was the end of my Naval career, and I was discharged in early 1988 with a service connected disability.


Upon returning home, I quickly resumed all of my habits, including the cross dressing.  I bounced from job to job, and would do anything to make sure I had enough to drink and use.  I continued to trade sex for my fix.  I continued on this path until December of that year.


On December 28, 1988, I had reached the breaking point with everything.  I felt that I could no longer continue with the drugs and alcohol, and the gender dysphoria was more than I could handle.  After a day filled with drinking and drugs, I put a fully loaded pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  Fate intervened and it fell on a dead round.  That was the final thing that had me convinced that I was a failure.  I could not even die.  That night, I checked myself in to treatment again. 


I was able to stay drug and alcohol free for 12 years.  I got married, and we had two beautiful daughters.  I did not disclose my gender issues to my wife, and she found out.  The fallout from the years of deception on my part ended our marriage in 1999.  At that point I found a gender therapist and began to transition.  I also went back into a deep depression and began cutting myself.  I also returned to using alcohol.  This resulted in several confinements to the psych ward of the VA Hospital, and I ended my transition.


I did manage to stay sober for a bit and during that time, met and married a Trans Man.  He knew from the start that I was Trans, but not actively transitioning.  I returned to alcohol again in 2004.


Over the next 14 years, my drinking got progressively worse, as did my depression and gender dysphoria.  In 2016, I moved back to NC and began therapy again.  After a year or so, I brought up the topic of Gender, and expressed my desire to Transition.  I went on HRT again in January of 2017.  This helped with the dysphoria , and I also began presenting as my true self more.  The depression and drinking did not lessen however.  In November of 2018, I found myself on the verge of being homeless, and a co-worker suggested that I share an apartment with her as it would benefit both of us.  I told her about my plans to transition and she was fine with it.  She was also a recovering alcoholic so I decided that out of respect for her, I would have no alcohol in the house.  Little did I know that November 1, 2018 would be the last drink I took. 


I stayed away from drinking until December of 2018, and started having a run of bad luck, and was close to attempting suicide again.  My roommate saw this and suggested that I go to a meeting with her.  At that point I was broken and said yes.


Fast forward a bit.  Over the next several months I began presenting more and more as the woman that I am, and on August 15, 2019 I fully transitioned socially, and began to live as Me for the first time in my life.


I still struggle with a lot of issues such as body image/positivity, lots of health issues, and am bordering on an eating disorder.  Even with all of this, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and just celebrated 1 year of sobriety.


Thanks for reading all of this.  I hope I didn't ramble on too much, but I really just needed to let people know who I am at a deeper lever.






Share this post

Link to post

Thank you for sharing Mira.  I understand some of this can be hard to recount.  



Share this post

Link to post
Susan R
10 hours ago, MiraM said:

Thanks for reading all of this.  I hope I didn't ramble on too much, but I really just needed to let people know who I am at a deeper lever.

Hello Mira. welcome. Thank you for sharing the timeline of your life's journey.  It is very well written and I enjoyed reading it very much.  Your life story, up until about 1984, sounds very similar to my story up until that same year.  You were raised by parents very much like mine and I empathized with you so much while reading about them.  


You have had a life of hard knocks but managed to get through it all.  You definitely have a special purpose here on this Earth.  The sheer fact that you're still here to lay this all out for us says it all.


I hope your journey becomes easier as you progress and become the person you are.


Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Share this post

Link to post

Hi Mira,


Thank you so much for sharing. You have clearly gone through a lot and glad you are happier now.


Good luck with continuing your journey.


Love and hugs,



Share this post

Link to post

Thank you Mira,


It must be hard to recount but good when you see how far you have come and better you feel.



Share this post

Link to post
NB Adult
12 hours ago, Susan R said:

 You definitely have a special purpose here on this Earth.  The sheer fact that you're still here to lay this all out for us says it all.


I always appreciate Susan R's kind and thoughtful comments here, she's right Mira you do have a purpose and are quite special having survived such a stressful life thus far. I always find that chapter five in the AA Big Book is a good one to re-read for a quick tune up when things begin to spin out of control. My best!

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 69 Guests (See full list)

    • Carolyn Marie
    • VickySGV
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Sam S
    Newest Member
    Sam S
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. gennee
      (72 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      Just keep bugging your surgeon to take care of this, hon.  If you want you can ask for a second opinion, but please do so sooner rather than later   ((HUGS)).   Carolyn Marie
    • JustineM
      Well today...... did not help matters. Minor fender bender at the end of my route and a day full of people making “jokes”.  The really funny ones that involve walking up behind armed security and screaming “give me the f’n money” and lets “pretend like we are going g to grab the money bag and run away”.    To try and look on the bright side, I managed to maneuver to where the other car hit the front of my truck instead of the drivers door. And no one was hurt.    Im going to bed now, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
    • Cheyenne skye
      Recently I've been following a YouTuber who detransitioned after about a year and a half.  I wonder if anyone knows what was the longest a person had been transitioned for before realizing that they were better off as their birth gender? I imagine it would only take a year or two to come to this conclusion. But has anyone ever been transitioned for, say, 5 or even 10 years or more, before deciding to go back?
    • Lexi C
      I am in no way a tech person. I had several diff personalities website for my previous occupation, but once i quit that business I deleted all those acc. Frankly don't care if they re appear via some kind off black mail scam either. I have and always had only one FB acc filled only with the people that close to me. Thus when I was ready to tell everyone I just pull the band-aid off and came out on FB. I most say, I had 200 hundred close family and friend before i can out and now its down to like 150. I got some message saying how ungodly it was and a few older relatives that said they did not understand and a couple of what i thought where friend calling me a -awesome person-. But hey it would of taken me weeks and half of my sanity to call or em everyone. So i am happy with my choice.'  Good luck and as always, be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS    
    • Astrid
      I came out as non-binary six months after retiring as a senior software engineer, but I can say that at my last company, for whom I worked 11 years, there were two MtF trans engineers.  They held their heads high, were proud but not loud (at least in the workplace), kept their private life private (as was/is entirely appropriate), worked hard, and were treated as equals by co-workers. So, yay!   With all the stress of deadlines, the need to continually keep learning in a fast-changing field, and constant peer review of your code, software engineers are generally very busy, smart cookies, but still are quite varied in their personalities and character.  It was kind of a bell curve, with a few who I wanted nothing to do with, most competent, and a few who were outstanding in many traits (not just coding).   A vital topic is:  how supportive is your company of trans and gender non-conforming people?  Do they quickly put a stop to discriminatory behavior by employees?  Do they provide gender-neutral restrooms?  Do they practice what HR preaches?   If the answers to the above questions are all Yes, then you've found a good place to work and an environment where you'll most likely be allowed to grow in your career.  However, I'll acknowledge that it can be hard to know the actual situation for some of these, as individual issues and cases usually remain private and are not discussed openly.   Regarding inclusivity, you're quite right -- females often must work harder to be heard at meetings, have their ideas championed by a manager, and so on.  It can be lonely!  Not long before I retired, I worked with a (brilliant, junior-grade) female engineer for several years who was based in India, and we developed a good working relationship and talked about our personal lives. She cried during one conversation, saying that I was one of the few engineers who was actually kind to her.  I was saddened to learn that that was the case.  I've certainly known plenty of engineers both male and female who, after years of internalizing the stresses, cash out and find a different career.  For me, it was a very interesting career, but one not without plenty of bumps along the way...and that's outside of gender issues.   Best of luck, Amber!   Hugs,   Astrid
    • Lexi C
      congrats Shay..I hope Medicare pan out!!
    • Lexi C
      Hey Sara Thanks i get it.. But maybe Kay is right. GOD THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!! Big hugs to you both Lexi
    • AcanOfBeans
      My general doctor refused to see me since this is related to a surgery and could be considered a complication of it. Got ahold of the nurse of my surgeon and she said it looks like an allergic reaction to the bio oil. It's been 7 days since I used the oil originally and started having the reaction, stopped having fluid drainage the other day and now am left with the worst hives I have ever had. From my shoulder, along the sides of my chest, and down to right above my belly button itches like hell. There is no infection but my body sure as hell did not like something in the bio oil.
    • ElizabethStar
      @WillowThank you.
    • Willow
      @ElizabethStar wow, that’s got to be difficult for you both.  I’ll put in a good thought for your wife and the surgeons.     Willow
    • SL
      I kept my old accounts and came out publicly on Instagram. I lost access to my facebook account a few years ago so that one won't be changed, but I feel like that'd be the most dangerous one to transition on because it's a lot more conservative than other platforms. Maybe it just seems that way because a lot of my family are vocal bigots, but I also feel like with how you can see what friends like you are more likely to be exposed to transphobes. I don't plan on making a new account because I was so tired of how gross my family is and never got on before they got political anyways. However, my experience with other platforms is generally support. A few people unfollowed me, but I'll take that over trolls any day. It's probably also different based on age group. I may make a coming out video for my parents to post on facebook for family, but I don't if it's even worth it.   The good thing about social media is you can block people. You may have a lot of people to block on facebook keeping your old account, but I feel like that could happen with a new account too. Facebook is just scary to me. 
    • ElizabethStar
      Evening everyone, I've had a bit of a whirlwind the last few days. I met with a GT on Saturday. I have been seeing a therapist for my depression for almost a year but obviously this one was different, but I wasn't really prepared. Although I have seen a few other trans-women in my area I am pretty socially isolated. my GT is trans-male. Makes him the first transgender person I've talked too.   In other news...My wife fell this morning and broke her wrist. Broke the end of her Radius into 5 pieces. Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday but it's a little complicated. She has PAH and has to wear an infusion pump 24/7. She cannot go under general anesthetic without risk of her heart stopping.  Surgery requires specialists on-hand the whole time. I won't let her see it but I am scared I could lose her if things go wrong. I'm feeling emotionally overloaded.   💖Liz  
    • JustSomeBloke
      You're right, it is a lot easier uh.. to reach the finish line as you say 😅 I'd forgotten how frustratingly difficult it used to be to be honest, and I guess being able to get there so easily and so quickly now certainly doesn't help in giving it time to build up intensity so maybe that's part of why they're less intense for me than they used to be? And yeah, "BOOM and done" is an accurate way to describe it lol it doesn't take very long to recover now
    • Katetrue
      Jani I think your right there that being open  In a relationship is good . Its something I've stopped doing and just keep it all to myself . Which doesn't help .   Kate xx 
    • Sam S
      I'm trialling my new identity on Facebook right now, and I'm finding it very exciting. I don't have to be friends with my aunties or my college roommate, which means that I don't need to censor what I say or how I say it.   I haven't been using it for long, but so far it's been extremely liberating.
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...