Sent a letter to my mother...

[ShawnaLeigh]

I have sent “the email” to my mother this afternoon.  No reply yet.  Not sure what I will get for a reply.  Things have always been tense between her and I and we had a huge falling out last Xmas.  Her final words to me then were. “You are dead to me”.  
Which frankly I was happy about at the time since I didn’t have to put up with her crap anymore.  
I feel worse for my sister who will most likely get an ear full from her.  My sister told me she was going to buy a bottle of wine in prep for the fall out this evening.  
Wish her luck.  I don’t care what she says to me if it’s negative.  I am hoping for positive and maybe some healing.  

[Jackie C.]

I hate when fallout from exploding family members gets on people I actually care about. You should have offered to buy your sister the wine. Do Canadians have access to same-day wine delivery? Would that even be a good idea for a business? It sounds like it might be a winner...

 

The final words from my egg-donor were, "I find your appearance disturbing." I get where you're coming from. Sounds like she was pretty toxic though. I predict she's going to be very unhappy when your sister picks out her nursing home.

 

Best wishes to your sister in Canada. May your mother choose to spew her hate speech at someone else.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I will say she has been making attempts at reaching out.  I’m still bitter over it all.  With what I am going through now I am feeling emotional and want to just heal everything so I am open to it.  
me just telling her is my attempt to share with her.  Admittedly it’s a huge bomb to drop but still.  She has an opportunity to make things right.  If she wants.  
The ball is in her court.  

[SaraAW]

Shawna, I hope it goes better than expected. From the sounds of it, and I’m sorry to say this, I don’t think your relationship could get any worse. So the good news is there is really only 2 outcomes, things don’t change or they get better to some degree. 
 

You’re right, the balls in her court now and she needs to choose to accept her daughter or not. In my opinion, it’ll be her loss, not yours. 
 

Jackie, in Ontario we finally have our bloated government run liquor monopoly allowing online orders with home delivery, it is far from same day service though. I’m not sure about the rest of Canada, some provinces have more relaxed policies regarding alcohol, but for the most part, we’re still treated like children by our government.  If policies ever relax, you may have an amazing business opportunity here.  

 

*hugs* for both of you 

 

Sara

[Jackie C.]

@SaraAW Except that I don't already live there and I'm a train wreck health-wise which hinders my chances of being granted citizenship. I totally forgot that that liquor is a government controlled industry over there. There's no excuse, I can practically see into Canada from my front porch. OK, exaggeration, I need to drive east about 20 minutes and take the tunnel or the bridge. Not far from the courthouse where I got my name changed actually.

Also I don't drink... at all... so I couldn't really tell people what was good. Par for the course on my good ideas. Completely impractical.

 

Sara brings up an excellent point though: It can't get any worse. Of course after the incident, you need to figure out if a relationship with your mother is something you actually want or if you just want to put a band-aid on it for your sister's sake. A good conversation starter with your therapist if you run out of topics. Mine sent me the most lovely poem for this situation, but I can't seem to find it. We have a LOT of back-and-forth to dig through and the software won't let me just search for attachments.

 

Still rooting for the outcome you want and that not too much of it splashes on your sister. She sounds nice, she doesn't deserve it.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Yes I can see it has two outcomes.  I can’t control it either way.  It’s one more family member I can check off my list to come out to.  which feels good in itself.  I have my twin brothers to go.  Twins with each other.  Then my three closest friends though I don’t expect them to handle this well.  All men.  Yea.  Not well at all.  Lol
 

[Jackie C.]

52 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Yes I can see it has two outcomes.  I can’t control it either way.  It’s one more family member I can check off my list to come out to.  which feels good in itself.  I have my twin brothers to go.  Twins with each other.  Then my three closest friends though I don’t expect them to handle this well.  All men.  Yea.  Not well at all.  Lol

 

The gender of your friends really doesn't matter. While I prefer female friends (seriously, a sea of estrogen is my happy place), my male friends were just as understanding. I didn't lose any of them.

Not even after all my, "I understand if you don't want me around," drama. Not even the ones I thought FOR SURE were homophobic enough to kick my butt to the curb. A pleasant surprise to be sure.

 

Hugs!

[SaraAW]

Jackie, Small world. I used to live 20 minutes away on the other side of the bridge and tunnel from you. When I was legal age for Michigan, I used to go over the border all the time for dinner and drinks, especially when our currencies were close to par. 
 

I’m much further away now as the area really started falling apart with the big 3 closures. 
 

Shawna, sorry to hijack your thread. You are doing amazing at coming out. You’ve really torn off the training wheels.  So proud of you. I hope it goes well for your next round. 
 

*hugs*

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, SaraAW said:

Shawna, sorry to hijack your thread. You are doing amazing at coming out. You’ve really torn off the training wheels.  So proud of you. I hope it goes well for your next round. 

No worries.  Thank you too.  

[ShawnaLeigh]

Still no reply from my mother.....  been a few days now. 

Maybe I am dead to her.

[NB Adult]

Be patient, don't overthink it!

[Jackie C.]

7 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Still no reply from my mother.....  been a few days now. 

Maybe I am dead to her.

 

Well, that is what she said last time. I have to ask though, how often does she use the thing? She might not have turned it on all week. Hell, my egg donor is so hopeless with the computer... well, that would be a rant. Let's just say it's bad. Like comedy sketch bad. She still tries to teach an online class for the University of Florida. I pity both the students and their tech support.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I finally broke down and asked my mother if she got my email.  She has been sick and in bed for a few days and said no not yet.  Asked me to resend it. So I did.  She replied not long after.  
 

It started out so good with love and “full” support for me.  
Then my mother’s attitude seem to change about two sentences later.  
It was full of “advice” which was more like conditions and opinions on what I “need” to do. 
first she said I need to slow down and really think about how this is going to effect everybody and to not be do hasty.  Then a list of people I definitely should not tell and she promises not to tell a soul.  Then a timeline of who “I can tell” and finally a good ole reaming of why do I want to lose my home family and wife just so I can dress like a girl.  
(cue nuclear explosions )

I was not happy and let her have it.  
Then she starts in on my sister who was trying to save face and help but it did not go well for her either.  
Now I can understand a shocked reaction especially for a parent but she was more focused on just how we can manage the damage and keep it all hidden.  
OMG I was so angry.  So hurt.  
She acts like “What?  I am just trying to help HIM”.  (Cue super nova)

yea it was an interesting afternoon and evening.  
But on the positive side.  She now knows.  

 

 

[NB Adult]

Well you got that out of the way and can put a check by her box. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or their happiness, they have a choice of either making themselves happy or unhappy based on what's going on inside of their heads. It's their problem to work through and not yours. You and I cannot make anyone else happy outside of our own selves. Keep that in mind!

[tracy_j]

I have found people I know often appear to worry more about their own standing in the community than my own. That comes second and is mentioned. I think that is why it can be that new people I meet are far more accepting as they have less to potentially lose. It takes time for people to realise that it is not the end of the world and the change does not have the impact they may first have thought. There are always some that don't cope at all but most do in time.

 

My approach would be to let things work their way in, taking it slowly without raised tempers. It takes time!

 

Tracy

[SaraAW]

Well, it sounds like it could have gone a lot worse, it could have gone better for sure. 
 

Advising to slow down and think about the effects of an action is not in and of itself a bad idea. It depends on where she was coming from. All actions have consequences that must be considered. Not sure how much you shared with her, but she’s only had a very short time to process, you’ve had a while to think about consequences. I would want my parents to   check in and make sure I thought any major life decision through. It would still sting to have them think I may not have, but it’s hard for some parents to not see they’re children as children, regardless of their age. 
 

Recommendations on people who may or may not be accepting of the news is also not necessarily a bad thing. As long as it is advice and not an order and that it’s coming from the parental instinct to protect a child. 
 

Dictating any timeline for your actions is not a very nice thing n my opinion. Again recommendations may be okay, especially if asked for, unprompted maybe if it comes from a good place, ordering or dictating, no thanks. 
 

I’m just trying to say, keep an open mind for now, give it a little time for her to process, express your feelings and concerns regarding the talks and shut down any path of hate or bigotry. Only you can decide to keep her in your life. 
 

I hope some of what you talked about her saying was truly coming from parental concern and a lack of understanding.   I know it may not take the hurt away though. 
 

Know that there are lots of people out there that care and accept you for you. 
 

*hugs*

[Jackie C.]

11 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I finally broke down and asked my mother if she got my email.  She has been sick and in bed for a few days and said no not yet.  Asked me to resend it. So I did.  She replied not long after.  
 

It started out so good with love and “full” support for me.  
Then my mother’s attitude seem to change about two sentences later.  
It was full of “advice” which was more like conditions and opinions on what I “need” to do. 
first she said I need to slow down and really think about how this is going to effect everybody and to not be do hasty.  Then a list of people I definitely should not tell and she promises not to tell a soul.  Then a timeline of who “I can tell” and finally a good ole reaming of why do I want to lose my home family and wife just so I can dress like a girl.  
(cue nuclear explosions )

I was not happy and let her have it.  
Then she starts in on my sister who was trying to save face and help but it did not go well for her either.  
Now I can understand a shocked reaction especially for a parent but she was more focused on just how we can manage the damage and keep it all hidden.  
OMG I was so angry.  So hurt.  
She acts like “What?  I am just trying to help HIM”.  (Cue super nova)

yea it was an interesting afternoon and evening.  
But on the positive side.  She now knows.  

 

Ouch. I'm sorry that happened. It sounds like a combination of not really getting what you were telling her and, like @tracy_j said, "What will the neighbors think?" Some people's children, right?

 

Still, dysphoria can be hard to grasp if you've never experienced it. In her head she's probably thinking that it's some kind of phase or fetish. It honestly sounds like she doesn't get the difference between being trans and being a cross-dresser. I'm not sure how to educate her. If tech support taught me anything it's that you can't make a person learn if they don't want to.

 

So yeah, in the meantime you've told your mom. Her reaction wasn't great and now you've got two women in your life trying to manage your transition according to their rules. At least it's out there and your sister is still on your side. All you can really do is stay as understanding of their views as you can while pursuing your own happiness. That's a hard one for some of us to wrap our heads around, especially if we've been in the closet a while: We deserve to be happy too.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship due to her always being the kind of person that says whatever she wants.  Hurtful or not with no concerns of how the person will take it.  She is never wrong and it’s always some one else’s fault.  I do not respond well to her personality.  
So this new issue in her life is a fertile field of places to plant her “advice” and wisdom on how I need to do things.  It is not for my benefit  or a concern for me either mentally or not.  It’s how she feels and what she thinks is the only true course of action I need to take. 
Which as you can see doesn’t sit well with me.  
But I will just keep trying.  Slowly.  

[SaraAW]

You know her better than us. If things are bad, do not be afraid to cut ties. You do not need toxic people in your life. 
 

DNA may be shared in a biological family, but true Family is made of those you love and who love you back unconditionally. 
 

*hugs*

[ShawnaLeigh]

I did take the time to try and explain the difference and that it’s not a simple choice between keeping my life as is or being my true self.  I explained how I fully understand what this means for my life going forward.  The loss I will experience. The hate and fears of others.  
But some will never get it.  Educated or not.  They have to want to understand before they can understand and unfortunately there are so many with a narrow preconceived conception of what this all is.  
it is not my job to educate everyone I know but I at least try to explain myself.  Try to be understanding to their feelings and just ask for support and love.  Not advice.  

[ShawnaLeigh]

43 minutes ago, SaraAW said:

You know her better than us. If things are bad, do not be afraid to cut ties. You do not need toxic people in your life. 
 

DNA may be shared in a biological family, but true Family is made of those you love and who love you back unconditionally. 
 

*hugs*

I’m just letting things settle and give people time to absorb.  

[Jackie C.]

My god I just want to give you hugs and chocolate*. They don't fix everything, but they make it a little better.

 

*Good chocolate mind you. Bad chocolate just leads to tummy-aches and sadness.

 

HUGS!

[SaraAW]

I agree with Jackie. Some nice chocolate or even a hot cocoa and some nice hugs. I hope things get better for you soon. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Well I’d go for a flavored coffee over hot chocolate.  
but the hugs I really need.  I’ve had zero human contact since I can’t remember when.  
kind of sad really.  
Thank you all.  ❤️