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Connor42

Am I valid?

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Connor42

Hi!

For the past few years, I have been questioning my gender, and I think I am FTM. I'm sort of doubting myself though because I don't really like sports or cars or anything like that, and I enjoy some stereotypically female things. Can I be a guy even if I don't have entirely masculine interests?

Thanks!! 

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MaryMary

My 2 cents : identity have nothing to do with tastes or expression. I'm a transgender woman and none of the tastes I had before are gone. I just "expended" into myself. In my opinion there should be no need to change to fit a stereotype. None of my male friends have 100% stereotypical tastes.

 

The other thing is your identity. If you are confused it's a good thing to come here and talk with other transgender persons like me. It's also a good idea to see a good gender therapist. But, I cannot determine your validity. Never let anybody say you are not valid.

 

My opinion is that you should expend. You should explore everything stereotypically male or female and choose what is making you happy. You can explore your identity and determine if you are trans separately.

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VickySGV

If you constantly feel that your birth assigned gender does not correctly  express who you are, and it has been with you for years, and are finding that you need to express yourself in a different gender grows more intense, then your interests, hobbies and a lot of thing doesn't really make any difference.  I have FtM friends that are more girly than I, a MtF am, but are still happier and more comfortable when I acknowledge them as male, with names, titles, and pronouns all the way.  Maybe you are not fully FtM but are Non-binary (a person who takes on the best of both genders) and may have interests that transcend the activities of each gender.  Join in our discussions here, and think about getting help from a professional counselor who knows about gender issues.  For that matter too "try on" the persona you are curious about here and see it FtM or Enby feel right as you are talking to us.  We will not shame you or try to tell you what your MUST do to be one or the other, we will just let you be.

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Jackie C.

I have to agree with @MaryMary, you like what you like. You are who you are. My Dad likes to garden and is afraid of snakes. He's still plenty masculine. Nobody on my paternal side is into cars. People are people. You're you. You should do what makes you happy and not worry so much about labels.

 

Hugs!

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Krisvm

Yes I agree with all the above. There are  cis women I know who love sports and engines and cis men who love crafting and rom-coms.

 

It is more how you feel inside than your hobbies.

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Aidan5

As a FtM, I am not indulging myself in completely masculine things, and I am valid. You are valid, you don't have to like certain things to be a man.

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Connor42

Thank you so much for all of the responses/advice! It's all really helpful!

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ShawnaLeigh
On 11/9/2019 at 2:15 PM, Connor42 said:

Can I be a guy even if I don't have entirely masculine interests?

I'm transitioning MTF and I still love to hunt, fish, icefish, go camping, get muddy on my ATV, shooting archery and guns.   

So yes.  If you still like female typical interests you can be a guy. Why not?

JMO

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Adrian Doyle
On 11/9/2019 at 2:15 PM, Connor42 said:

Hi!

For the past few years, I have been questioning my gender, and I think I am FTM. I'm sort of doubting myself though because I don't really like sports or cars or anything like that, and I enjoy some stereotypically female things. Can I be a guy even if I don't have entirely masculine interests?

Thanks!! 

You can definitely be FTM but like “stereotypically female” stuff! I do (such as baking, dance, high waisted shorts, doing people’s makeup, etc.)! I’ve known that I’m trans for a very long time, without even knowing that there was a term for a little kids that identified as male (I think I was about 5 when I started realizing, and 9 when I came to terms with it). And there’s so many wonderful guys in the world that don’t like sports, especially with the ride in popularity of video games and such! Actually, NONE of my friends that are guys (that’s 99% of my friend circle there) like sports! I love football, so I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it, but I’d never put them down for not liking sports! It’s simply and interest, not a stereotype. ☆

 

(and if ya ever need a guy that’s into more “feminine” stuff to talk to, shoot me an email sometime. I love to talk. ٩( ᐛ )و)

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OliverPerry

My current therapist (not specialized in gender identity issues) is the first and only person I've shared the daily struggle I face with my body . 

She tried to understand me at first but dismissed it after only two sessions. Her reason: my posture wasn't "manly" enough to qualify as FTM.

Many of my hobbies fit the "male" category though, that is the "geeky male" category not the all "macho" one. I don't like sports but I'm quite into gaming and comic books. However, like many, I also enjoy non "gender specific activities" of course.

I don't act "manly" so it is easy for me to hide the fact that I'm not ok with my female body. The way I move and speak hide my male self. My posture is shy and awkward and my vocal cords only seem to produce girly sounds. I wish my voice was deeper but it isn't. I'm a bloody soprano leggero, which is rather high. With vocal lessons though, my voice has dropped but just slightly so, it's still very girl-like.

I'm not into skirts or dresses, I attempted to be but ended up going back to pants. I like t-shirts with images from movies and games but I also like skinny trousers with prints. 

What kills me ends up being the way I move and talk. My awkward, shy and geeky self makes people perceive me simply as a quirky girl. 

I've been experience body dysphoria ever since I was 12 (I'm 24 now). Still, my therapist didn't believe I could be trans because I don't "act like a man" and the fact that I've never felt attraction towards a girl and like blokes instead didn't help me much.

 

I don't believe you have to fit the male stereotype to qualify.

So what if your tastes aren't all considered "guy tastes"?

If you feel miserable in a female body, no matter your interests, there's indeed a possibility you might be FTM.

 

I've scheduled an appointment with a therapist who specializes in this matters and I'm hoping to finally be properly heard. Maybe you could do the same. I think it could help you clarify your situation. I find it a bit scary though. I'm afraid it'll make me go into an even darker place. Still, I believe it must be done.

Think about it. No rush. 

 

I hope this helped a bit.

I really wouldn't discard the possibility. I know cis guys who share many interests, no matter what gender this interests are normally associated with.

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Jackie C.

I'm sorry that happened to you Oliver, but you're absolutely right: A gender therapist is the right person to diagnose your dysphoria officially. Depending on your place of origin, you might need to see one before you start HRT anyway. You may as well start building a rapport now.

 

As an aside, both my gender therapists were able to tell my actual gender inside an hour of interacting with me. They know their stuff.

 

Hugs!

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ShawnaLeigh
47 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I'm sorry that happened to you Oliver, but you're absolutely right: A gender therapist is the right person to diagnose your dysphoria officially. Depending on your place of origin, you might need to see one before you start HRT anyway. You may as well start building a rapport now.

 

As an aside, both my gender therapists were able to tell my actual gender inside an hour of interacting with me. They know their stuff.

 

Hugs!

Mine too.  It was not even a question for him.  

 

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OliverPerry
13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

As an aside, both my gender therapists were able to tell my actual gender inside an hour of interacting with me.

 

That scares me as hell...

I'm afraid they'll look at me, see me move shy and awkwardly and talk with my high voice and just say "you're cis, deal with it". 

 

I will now continue with the usual monologue (always writing way too much):

I've been experiencing body dysphoria since the age of 12. I'm now 24 and I can't even kiss a bloke because I'm afraid it will lead to sex and that I'll be touched in my "female parts". I've had sex before so it's not a question of being a scared innocent virgin. The thing is, each time it happens, I feel terrible and want it to be over quickly, it really is uncomfortable. I want to do it though, I really like touching the bloke and desire him (for me, male bodies can truly be heavenly) but him touching me causes me terrible anxiety and I just end up feeling even more disgusted with myself. The last time I did it was in April (I believe) 2017. I stopped trying after that. It's not about not feeling "pretty", the issue is much deeper than that. I look at an extremely beautiful girl and feel nothing, I don't feel attraction and I definitely don't feel envious of her looks. However, when I look at a handsome bloke, I feel confusion: What do I want? To snog him or be him? I realize the snog part doesn't apply to all FTMs of course. 

 

But yes, I am scared of being analyzed like that. This is a tough issue and I really don't want someone to dismiss me again.

 

At the same time though, I'm also scared of my constant thoughts becoming a reality. 

I believe coming out would have a terrible impact on my life. I want to take T but I'm also terrified of loosing everything I've worked for. 

Still, I really don't want to continue living as a girl. 

 

All options are frightening!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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OliverPerry

@Connor42

 

I've just realized your account name is Connor. I'm guessing it's the name you would have as a bloke when/if you become certain you're trans. 

 

In 2018, I decided on a male name and it was actually Connor too (after years of wondering). I was playing a newly released video game and one of the main avatars (you played three) was named Connor. I really liked that character and ended up strangely idolizing him (there's no reason whatsoever for this though).

However, not long after, I came to the conclusion: "I'm not a Connor".

It's true that I was very certain at the time, however, the truth is, I merely liked the name.

I ended up finding the right one out of the blue,  I was looking at the mirror and Bam!, there it was, "Oliver". It was too strong of a realization to ignore, it just seemed strangely right. My birth name didn't fit but this one did. It had been decided, no going back. 

 

I know this is not important but I still couldn't help but share it.

 

Best of luck!

I really hope you come to a conclusion about yourself and are able to achieve peace of mind. 

 

 

 

 

 

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ShawnaLeigh
8 hours ago, OliverPerry said:

But yes, I am scared of being analyzed like that. This is a tough issue and I really don't want someone to dismiss me again.

 

At the same time though, I'm also scared of my constant thoughts becoming a reality. 

That's the thing about a gender therapist.  They will not judge you or label you.  They avoid labels in my experience.  The only label that is you is that you are human.  But really, it's not about being labeled.  "Analyzed" is also not a word I would either. My therapist is on my journey with me.  Kind of like a friend to hold my hand and explain things on the way.  To be positive and to encourage me,  To sit and listen or just let you cry if you need to and be understanding of why. To help me find out who I am.  He would never just tell me I was one thing or the other and to "just deal with it".  If they do then fire that therapist.  I honestly  did not know this about therapy myself until I found my bravery and I went.  The only requirement to therapy is to be 100% honest about what you think and feel.  No matter how crazy or ridiculous it seems to you.  Believe me they have heard it all before.

 

Your thoughts and feeling are inside you.  They are you.  In part or in whole.  Do not dismiss them or hide them.   It all depends on what you choose to live with or not.  Again its not about labels or anything like that.  Its about where you need to find your balance and what is comfortable and healthy for you to live with.  To be happy about yourself first then others afterwards.  Though you can not let others dictate your happiness.  That needs to come from inside you before it can truly be seen on the outside.  

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OliverPerry
49 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

The only requirement to therapy is to be 100% honest about what you think and feel.  No matter how crazy or ridiculous it seems to you.

 

It's going to be difficult that. I have quite a hard time expressing personal thoughts and feelings as they truly are. I've lived my whole life avoiding sharing the truth about myself with others so I'm a bit rubbish at talking to therapists. I hope I feel the required safety to share tomorrow (yeah, tomorrow).

Oh well, let's see how it goes.  

 

Thank you for your support! I truly appreciate it.

Feels nice talking honestly for a change.

 

 

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ShawnaLeigh
51 minutes ago, OliverPerry said:

 

It's going to be difficult that. I have quite a hard time expressing personal thoughts and feelings as they truly are. I've lived my whole life avoiding sharing the truth about myself with others so I'm a bit rubbish at talking to therapists. I hope I feel the required safety to share tomorrow (yeah, tomorrow).

Oh well, let's see how it goes.  

 

Thank you for your support! I truly appreciate it.

Feels nice talking honestly for a change.

 

 

Honey let me tell you about the fear and anxiety I had.  I have been hiding myself for 45+ years.  I had intended to just keep on keepin' on too.  Just be the birth male I was originally.  I had lived a pretty good life and set up for my senior years being so too.  Then I had a serious mental break a few weeks ago.  I felt like I was going crazy with two distinct personalities inside myself fighting for dominance.  It was so scary I can not tell you.  Confusion.  Fear.  Guilt.  Shame.

I hated myself for feeling this way.  It came out of nowhere too.  Like fast and hit me hard.

I was so scared to tell anyone.  

I made an appointment with my gender therapist and the day I was to go I cried the entire time.  Embarrassing myself at work.  Like I was so scared and could not understand all the tears and fears I was experiencing.  I cried the whole appointment trying so hard not to.  I cried the entire weekend too afterwards which was hard with my wife not knowing any of this or why.  I eventually came out to my wife and it was not good at first but things have smoothed out since.  I am still on a path to divorce but she is being understanding and supportive.

 

However if you are serious about getting help.  I mean serious wanting your life to be different.  Better. Then you have to be honest.  They can not help you otherwise.  It will not be solved in an hour either.  Or even many hours.  It will take time.  Your first hours may be a meet and greet and then some light background.  There is no time lines or limits.  No hurry.  This can take months or years depending on your comfort level.  So Don't worry about that at all.  Just be honest and open.

They have a comfortable way of making you feel safe and open too.  I can not explain it.  I too was so not wanting to open up to anyone.  Especially face to face. The fear and anxiety of hiding myself, my true feelings, all those years was ingrained in me.  But I did. I am so glad for it too.

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