Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

ShawnaLeigh

Dead name vs. Birth name

Recommended Posts

ShawnaLeigh

So I had this conversation with my therapist about this question and told him it bothers me considering my given name as a Dead Name.  A name that represents who I was practically my entire life and the persona of my life's experience and knowledge.  I feel like says its my Dead Name signifies I am killing that part of myself off. To me anyways.  A part I still like to some degree.  A part I need to help the women inside bloom and grow and be strong when times are tough and believe me times are tough for me lately.

I prefer to call my male persona name a Birth Name.  Simply that's what it is.  A name given to me at birth by my parents. Plus there is no killing. LOL

 

I love to fact I get to choose my own female name.  Anything I want.  

However I made a significant observation the other day.

I have been signing my name as Shawna my whole life.  Signing anything legal or checks or whatever.  I always signed my name first name, middle initial, last name that all bunched together in a scribing mess.  However Shawn A. is what you would see before it turned into a scribe towards my last name.  LOL

Like I have been telling myself my whole life who I am inside.

Or I just reading into it to much.  LOL

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

I think I get what you're saying here. I don't really feel it because my dead name was pretty unpleasant. He's still in here somewhere, but he's not doing the heavy lifting anymore. Everyone is happier for it. Well, almost everyone. Still no love from my egg donor. I don't really expect that to change though. That would be like admitting she's wrong and that's not happening.

 

I don't know what the procedure in Vermont is for changing your name legally on all the appropriate documents, but after doing all that... well, working on doing all that. I have a couple more to go... you might feel differently. I'm spending time and money to get all these little details right and it still makes me smile every time I see my name in print or on a display.

 

Re-learning to write and sign my name was kind of a trip though. Back in the 90's it sort of degraded into a squiggly smear. It's still not great but I'm working on making it a bit more appropriate. It's a little out of character for me because otherwise my handwriting is immaculate. I totally write like a girl.

 

I don't know about ANYTHING you want. I try to get people to avoid stripper names. Nobody REALLY wants a name like Starlight or <insert brand of champagne>. Unless you really, really do in which case, well... you do you. I'm a big advocate for trying to fit in though.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
SaraAW

I feel similar to Shawna, in that I don’t hate my birth name. I’m even going to incorporate it as a middle name, with a little feminization. 
 

I wonder if some of the dislike for a previous name stems from issues that happened while using that name. I had a pretty good upbringing, despite having some mild dysphoria over the years. I would totally understand not wanting a name that was associated with severe pain from bad dysphoria or some sort of social/physical trauma. 
 

I even know some cis people who just didn’t like their name and changed it. 
 

As for my signature, I don’t get to practice much, as I’m still in full stealth. I write quickly and messily, my birth name signature being very doctor scribble like. I’m trying some different quick flowy ones and some slow deliberate almost printed ones. Not sure where I’m going to settle yet. They all still feel really weird right now. 
 

*hugs*

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

I had a lot of dysphoria, I was in depression, gone trough lot of abuse that earned me a PTSD. Although I'm happy that I had the past I had because it made the woman I am today (I wouldn't exchange my past for any past because it's making me a pretty damn cool transgender woman, does it make any sense?) it also wrecked havoc on my life. I've been in depression from 12 until 32 and barelly had the energy to go to school and do stuff, lol I was really bad to play my role as him and never succeeded in doing cool stuff as him.  I was an hermit and dysfonctionnal so to me he's in the past and I don't want to have anything to do with that name again and I certainly to want people to know that name if I can help it because I don't want to give people an excuse to misgender me or anything.

 

I understand what Sara and Shawna are saying and it's an excellent example of each story being different. To me hearing other stories is very cool and fascinating.

 

but yeah, to me it's a dead name and since he spent 20 years of his life wanting to kill himself it's quite fitting, lol

It's weirdly appropriate since I waited since I was on the bottom of the barrel to come out.

 

I tend to see anything hermit, closed off, depressed, suicidal, dysfonctionnal, social armor as him in my mind and everything that has to do with the emancipated me as Marie even if that positive thing poped up at 10 years old. I found Marie as a name at something like 7 or 8 so and always added it in my initials so yeah... that's my little story about that topic.

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh

I certainly understand those who associate their dead or birth name to terrible negative feelings for a life time having no problem calling it a dead name.  
I just never had those native feelings.  
Earlier here when I joined TP I was coming out of my shell and I was a bit freaked out about killing off my male persona.  That guy was pretty cool nice strong and had an awesome life.  I was proud of him and all his Accomplishments.   But hated him for keeping me hidden away.  I loved him and hated him and those feelings were freaking me right out.  I literally thought I was going crazy feeling like two people.  
So no I don’t want him dead it’s just that’s it’s my turn sort to speak.  He can support and encourage me from within like I did for him all these years.  
yes I’m struggling with the internal family system therapy still as you can see.  
but it’s definitely my turn.  

Share this post


Link to post
MaryMary

the important thing is your happyness and finding a place for all of you, including him. Everybody is different, has a different past. I think it's great that we can share it.

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
50 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

the important thing is your happyness and finding a place for all of you, including him. Everybody is different, has a different past. I think it's great that we can share it.

Me too.  Sharing all of it here has helped me more than I can describe.   

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

This is one of those subjects in Transdom where we are all vastly different, but still the same.  My birth assigned name is, still part of me and "He" really did have a very impressive life that is worth remembering in the details but I also had to step away from "him" to realize what had been done. 

 

When you know that your birth name was a matter of heavy friction between my parents and was in fact a compromise that neither really liked, it does give you a different view of things.  It turns out that I had to do some "parenting" of "him" over the years, but now "both" of us are in harmony. 

 

I refer to "him" as my Retired Name and "he" is actually happy to be retired and to heal as now I can give "him" the appreciation that "he" could not get from others in "our" family for years. 

 

Over in the Spirituality forum I made some posts about Two Spirit people and I do have enough Native American heritage that I feel alright to put myself into that class.  It is a matter of spiritual balance between our male and female selves and letting our female spirit side work now puts us into balance that we did not have before. 

 

I use the Dead Name term so I can communicate with others in the community better with the term, but while the name is dead, "he" is now my spirit that is at rest. 

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
6 hours ago, VickySGV said:

This is one of those subjects in Transdom where we are all vastly different, but still the same.  My birth assigned name is, still part of me and "He" really did have a very impressive life that is worth remembering in the details but I also had to step away from "him" to realize what had been done. 

 

When you know that your birth name was a matter of heavy friction between my parents and was in fact a compromise that neither really liked, it does give you a different view of things.  It turns out that I had to do some "parenting" of "him" over the years, but now "both" of us are in harmony. 

 

I refer to "him" as my Retired Name and "he" is actually happy to be retired and to heal as now I can give "him" the appreciation that "he" could not get from others in "our" family for years. 

 

Over in the Spirituality forum I made some posts about Two Spirit people and I do have enough Native American heritage that I feel alright to put myself into that class.  It is a matter of spiritual balance between our male and female selves and letting our female spirit side work now puts us into balance that we did not have before. 

 

I use the Dead Name term so I can communicate with others in the community better with the term, but while the name is dead, "he" is now my spirit that is at rest. 

Very well put and that aligns with how I feel too. You just said it better. Lol

Thank you

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 89 Guests (See full list)

    • SaraAW
    • Lucca
    • MaryEllen
    • Astrid
    • Adrian Doyle
    • Connor42
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,412
    • Total Posts
      627,130
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,909
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Christian S
    Newest Member
    Christian S
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Harriet1958
      Harriet1958
      (61 years old)
    2. SandraBear
      SandraBear
  • Posts

    • Charlize
      Welcome.  I went to a gender therapist and she was there to help my wife as well.  It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.  Try to take a deep breath and give whatever happens some time for both you and Hannah.  My wife said she could never be a lesbian.  What friends and relations would think was overwhelming.  It has taken time but we are doing better than ever.  Certainly things have changed but love has grown.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Charlize
      Yesterday we sent out a pile of cards to family and friends.  Today i'll head to the PO with packed presents to send out.  This time of year is always busy but with bad weather and the melancholy that can come with holidays it's good to be busy!   Hugs,   Charlize 
    • SaraAW
      Good advice from Jani. Really good on you for being supportive. My spouse is not so supportive of me, but we are still together and I do love her dearly. I can’t see it from your perspective, but I can tell you what I want from my wife, which may be similar to your wife’s, maybe it will help you some.    1) Acceptance that I am not Cis and that I don’t truly know yet what I need to be comfortable within myself.     It sounds like you’re already working on this one.    2) Time. Time for both of us to process our feelings, find an understanding and work through challenges. What today may seem like a deal breaker for either of us, with time and #3 we may find acceptance, understanding and compromise.    As this all happened yesterday for you, this may be really pertinent.    3) Honest and open dialogue. She needs to know how I feel and I know to know how she feels. Without this, we will never be able to discuss the challenges each of us are facing and overcome them.  This also includes sharing what hard lines exist today for us both.    It sounds like you already have this in place, so don’t let it slip.    4) The ability to self express my identity when I need to. I can suppress for awhile, but the longer I do, the more I hurt.  5) Some compromises. Like any other part of a relationship, there needs to be compromises. It can’t be all one sided.  I hope you find some of this helpful. *hugs*
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I am in this mode still too.  Shopping "male" but being female inside is hard for me now.  My wife does help me at times when out shopping.  She finds such great deals for the clothing I truly want.  Which in itself is female training on her part.  LOL We have even bough some of it together.  She gets mad that I am in a smaller size pant/legging then she is.  Though Id trade her for her hips and butt any day! I am not slowing my transition for anyone any longer, I am not speeding down the highway either.  I am letting it happen organically.  ON hold this month still.  My continued coming out will be in January.  Tough ones coming up for me but I have to do it.  I am an impatient girl.   Its always a personal choice to do what and when and how fast when talking about transition.  I respect your feelings on what you are deciding to do.  Good Luck my friend.
    • Charlize
      Congratulations Michelle.  A scary journey to be sure.  May it bring you joy!   Hugs,   Charlize  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Very good news indeed!  Congrats for getting this far.  Almost there!
    • SaraAW
      Congratulations Michelle! *hugs*
    • SaraAW
      Possibly going out shopping with a colleague and friend from work. It is a yearly tradition where we go out shopping for our wives and family, usually grabbing some dinner too. This is male mode shopping as I am still not out. Not sure I’m going to socially transition anytime soon in an effort to save my marriage.    I look forward to this as he’s a good friend and he works remotely, so we don’t get together often.    Got a chill today, hoping my tea warms me up.    Have a great day everyone. *hugs*
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I think it is wise to plan for a future with and without your marriage.  Planning does not mean doing.  Just making sure you will be taken care of if anything happens. I agree with Jani, try to find a common ground.  Right now it seems impossible.  But given time everybody will absorb what's going on and think about it better once the hurt and pain and shock of it all fades.  As has been said before, we have had a lot of time to process this issue.  The consider things.  Our wives have not and it will take them time too.  I'm not saying she will make a 100% turn around but surely she cares enough about the family to at least talk about it and try to make things better. I find this is happening in my marriage.  Though it is still on a course of the big D like you say, it is more a transformation of itself into something that will keep us together, in part, just not legally married after a certain point.  I too am trying to prepare for a future with out her.   But the stress of it all is fading each day and we seem to be doing good for now.  Day by day is all we can do.
    • TammyAnne
      Dentist and Therapy today. So it's going to be less fun: no drawing but maybe a little guitar playing later. Time to make coffee and get started. Snowy weather predicted for the day too. I am not so warm and fuzzy about driving in that. Cheers and a big hug for all. TA
    • shelly_koleva83
      Sorry,   I know that I become too obsesive and that I am kind of overemoitonal and a bit too honest even when my opinion is consisted of pure naivity/stupidty.   I will share with you my struggled, poor, Enlgish writngs on Medium, my profile.   You know: If we going to fail, let's do it on a bigger stage! LOL   https://medium.com/@michellekoleva
    • tracy_j
      At this point in the year, near Christmas, I get bouncy to the extreme - so up and down, one time major depression then a bit later happy again. It started me, just after Christmas last year,  going out for walks several days a week as these seemed to cure my depression and do keep me fitter (and busier as I usually do over ten and occasionally toward twenty miles a week out in the countryside). It was bad at the end of last week but I am Ok at the moment, looking forward to my daily pot of coffee. I think the dreary weather has a lot to do with it.   Enjoy your day everyone!   Tracy
    • tracy_j
      A bit like the blackboard chalk the teacher used to throw across the room?   It wasn't my first but I still have a Vic-20. I bought it cheap when a shop was clearing stock to use for interfacing. It's some while since I powered it up though.   More seriously though  Aidan - As Charlize said, hang in there, it does get better with time. Keeping yourself busy, as you have to, at least keeps you occupied. Plan to what you can do when the time comes as it sounds like to may have little help from home.   Tracy
    • shelly_koleva83
      Thank you all!   If it becomes unbearable it's sure that I might not continue reading it. As I said for now the forewords from Ruth Barrett and Germaine Greer (we know who the second one is for sure) are the transphobic part, but I am at the beigining.    So I prepared the antidotes, as well: Julia Serano's classic "Whipping Girl" and my own counter-points review at Medium.     Hugs!      
    • Michelle F
      Cool... we're nearly neighbors!
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...