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ShawnaLeigh

Dead name vs. Birth name

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ShawnaLeigh

So I had this conversation with my therapist about this question and told him it bothers me considering my given name as a Dead Name.  A name that represents who I was practically my entire life and the persona of my life's experience and knowledge.  I feel like says its my Dead Name signifies I am killing that part of myself off. To me anyways.  A part I still like to some degree.  A part I need to help the women inside bloom and grow and be strong when times are tough and believe me times are tough for me lately.

I prefer to call my male persona name a Birth Name.  Simply that's what it is.  A name given to me at birth by my parents. Plus there is no killing. LOL

 

I love to fact I get to choose my own female name.  Anything I want.  

However I made a significant observation the other day.

I have been signing my name as Shawna my whole life.  Signing anything legal or checks or whatever.  I always signed my name first name, middle initial, last name that all bunched together in a scribing mess.  However Shawn A. is what you would see before it turned into a scribe towards my last name.  LOL

Like I have been telling myself my whole life who I am inside.

Or I just reading into it to much.  LOL

 

 

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Jackie C.

I think I get what you're saying here. I don't really feel it because my dead name was pretty unpleasant. He's still in here somewhere, but he's not doing the heavy lifting anymore. Everyone is happier for it. Well, almost everyone. Still no love from my egg donor. I don't really expect that to change though. That would be like admitting she's wrong and that's not happening.

 

I don't know what the procedure in Vermont is for changing your name legally on all the appropriate documents, but after doing all that... well, working on doing all that. I have a couple more to go... you might feel differently. I'm spending time and money to get all these little details right and it still makes me smile every time I see my name in print or on a display.

 

Re-learning to write and sign my name was kind of a trip though. Back in the 90's it sort of degraded into a squiggly smear. It's still not great but I'm working on making it a bit more appropriate. It's a little out of character for me because otherwise my handwriting is immaculate. I totally write like a girl.

 

I don't know about ANYTHING you want. I try to get people to avoid stripper names. Nobody REALLY wants a name like Starlight or <insert brand of champagne>. Unless you really, really do in which case, well... you do you. I'm a big advocate for trying to fit in though.

 

Hugs!

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SaraAW

I feel similar to Shawna, in that I don’t hate my birth name. I’m even going to incorporate it as a middle name, with a little feminization. 
 

I wonder if some of the dislike for a previous name stems from issues that happened while using that name. I had a pretty good upbringing, despite having some mild dysphoria over the years. I would totally understand not wanting a name that was associated with severe pain from bad dysphoria or some sort of social/physical trauma. 
 

I even know some cis people who just didn’t like their name and changed it. 
 

As for my signature, I don’t get to practice much, as I’m still in full stealth. I write quickly and messily, my birth name signature being very doctor scribble like. I’m trying some different quick flowy ones and some slow deliberate almost printed ones. Not sure where I’m going to settle yet. They all still feel really weird right now. 
 

*hugs*

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MaryMary

I had a lot of dysphoria, I was in depression, gone trough lot of abuse that earned me a PTSD. Although I'm happy that I had the past I had because it made the woman I am today (I wouldn't exchange my past for any past because it's making me a pretty damn cool transgender woman, does it make any sense?) it also wrecked havoc on my life. I've been in depression from 12 until 32 and barelly had the energy to go to school and do stuff, lol I was really bad to play my role as him and never succeeded in doing cool stuff as him.  I was an hermit and dysfonctionnal so to me he's in the past and I don't want to have anything to do with that name again and I certainly to want people to know that name if I can help it because I don't want to give people an excuse to misgender me or anything.

 

I understand what Sara and Shawna are saying and it's an excellent example of each story being different. To me hearing other stories is very cool and fascinating.

 

but yeah, to me it's a dead name and since he spent 20 years of his life wanting to kill himself it's quite fitting, lol

It's weirdly appropriate since I waited since I was on the bottom of the barrel to come out.

 

I tend to see anything hermit, closed off, depressed, suicidal, dysfonctionnal, social armor as him in my mind and everything that has to do with the emancipated me as Marie even if that positive thing poped up at 10 years old. I found Marie as a name at something like 7 or 8 so and always added it in my initials so yeah... that's my little story about that topic.

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ShawnaLeigh

I certainly understand those who associate their dead or birth name to terrible negative feelings for a life time having no problem calling it a dead name.  
I just never had those native feelings.  
Earlier here when I joined TP I was coming out of my shell and I was a bit freaked out about killing off my male persona.  That guy was pretty cool nice strong and had an awesome life.  I was proud of him and all his Accomplishments.   But hated him for keeping me hidden away.  I loved him and hated him and those feelings were freaking me right out.  I literally thought I was going crazy feeling like two people.  
So no I don’t want him dead it’s just that’s it’s my turn sort to speak.  He can support and encourage me from within like I did for him all these years.  
yes I’m struggling with the internal family system therapy still as you can see.  
but it’s definitely my turn.  

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MaryMary

the important thing is your happyness and finding a place for all of you, including him. Everybody is different, has a different past. I think it's great that we can share it.

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ShawnaLeigh
50 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

the important thing is your happyness and finding a place for all of you, including him. Everybody is different, has a different past. I think it's great that we can share it.

Me too.  Sharing all of it here has helped me more than I can describe.   

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VickySGV

This is one of those subjects in Transdom where we are all vastly different, but still the same.  My birth assigned name is, still part of me and "He" really did have a very impressive life that is worth remembering in the details but I also had to step away from "him" to realize what had been done. 

 

When you know that your birth name was a matter of heavy friction between my parents and was in fact a compromise that neither really liked, it does give you a different view of things.  It turns out that I had to do some "parenting" of "him" over the years, but now "both" of us are in harmony. 

 

I refer to "him" as my Retired Name and "he" is actually happy to be retired and to heal as now I can give "him" the appreciation that "he" could not get from others in "our" family for years. 

 

Over in the Spirituality forum I made some posts about Two Spirit people and I do have enough Native American heritage that I feel alright to put myself into that class.  It is a matter of spiritual balance between our male and female selves and letting our female spirit side work now puts us into balance that we did not have before. 

 

I use the Dead Name term so I can communicate with others in the community better with the term, but while the name is dead, "he" is now my spirit that is at rest. 

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ShawnaLeigh
6 hours ago, VickySGV said:

This is one of those subjects in Transdom where we are all vastly different, but still the same.  My birth assigned name is, still part of me and "He" really did have a very impressive life that is worth remembering in the details but I also had to step away from "him" to realize what had been done. 

 

When you know that your birth name was a matter of heavy friction between my parents and was in fact a compromise that neither really liked, it does give you a different view of things.  It turns out that I had to do some "parenting" of "him" over the years, but now "both" of us are in harmony. 

 

I refer to "him" as my Retired Name and "he" is actually happy to be retired and to heal as now I can give "him" the appreciation that "he" could not get from others in "our" family for years. 

 

Over in the Spirituality forum I made some posts about Two Spirit people and I do have enough Native American heritage that I feel alright to put myself into that class.  It is a matter of spiritual balance between our male and female selves and letting our female spirit side work now puts us into balance that we did not have before. 

 

I use the Dead Name term so I can communicate with others in the community better with the term, but while the name is dead, "he" is now my spirit that is at rest. 

Very well put and that aligns with how I feel too. You just said it better. Lol

Thank you

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