Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


I came out to my mother. I guess...

Recommended Posts


Hi, I'm new here, I just joined the community. :)


I am very, very happy that I can finally talk about myself. So, this year in January I accidentally came out to my mother as a transgender man. She panicked if I was kidding or not, then started to ask expected questions like "were you sexually assaulted; why do you think you would be happy as a man; why do you think that people will love you as a man; do you like girls or boys etc." I tried to give clear answers to her, but I ended up crying because I didn't even plan to come out, it just happened suddenly. I got stressed and confused incredibly fast. After that she too started to cry, and just stared at me. Later she said let's talk about it some other time. 

In the summer I started to initiate conversations about this with her, but she either started to cry or fell asleep while I was talking... I know it must be a lot to her, considering I never talked about either myself or anything, really, so everything came out with a force I couldn't control. Not that bad so far. 

Since then she started to call me by my birthname way more often than before, and calls me with all kinds of -crappy- girlish petnames possible. I want to look over that because she's my mother, she can call me whatever she wants, however much it hurts me. She acts like nothing happened. But when we converse with my sister and this topic comes up, it shows that she's been researching the surgery part of it, but talks away from me. 

I'm very sad that I can't talk to her, I don't want to break the good relationship we had thus far. I don't know what to do, how to approach her. 


Can anyone give me advice about this matter?


Thank You for your time reading this!

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  I see that you're new here.  Is there a name you would like us to use, or just address you as RH?


Coming out to family is the hardest thing for almost all of us.  There is no predicting how it will go.  Parents are probably the hardest nut to crack, as they have your lifetime ingrained in them, believing that you were one gender only to find out that you never felt that way.  They usually blame themselves, or try to blame others ("you've been spending too much time on the Internet" and such ideas).  Because of that, they often take a long time to accept, and sometimes never.


A couple of ideas here: whenever the issue comes up, keep reminding her that whatever gender you say you are, whatever physical changes may come, you are still the same person, and your love for her will never change.  Equally important is for her to understand that her continued love for you is critical, essential to your life and your happiness.


There are many informational things you can find on the Net to download that explains being transgender in ways cis-people can understand.  PFLAG, NTCE, GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) all have downloadable resources for family members.


Things often get better with time and patience and love.  I wish you all the best.




Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post

Hello RH and welcome.  I second all that Carolyn Marie has written.  It is difficult to talk to parents about this, especially if they haven't noticed any signs on their own.  


Yes this is a place where you can talk about yourself!  Please join in the conversation.  There are many others in your same situation.  You are among friends. 



Share this post

Link to post

Thank You both for the replies! 


I haven't considered the downloadable pamphlets, because she doesn't speak english (there isn't too much information about this in our country) , and I thought it was enough what I was explaining to her, but I might be saying something wrong, or she might misunderstood me somehow. I don't know yet, so I'm gonna try again. 

I'm gonna post an introduction soon, and I'd like to interact with the people here. I found transgender people are one of the most patient and nicest people out there, so thank you for blindly accepting me! :) 



Share this post

Link to post

Welcome Heiko and thanks for sharing. I wish more advice for you than has already been offered by the lovely ladies above. 


Share this post

Link to post

I feel your pain as I too just came out to my mother and it has not gone well. At all. More for her then me.  She basically accuses me of killing off her son. Her first born.  I'm making a tremendous mistake and beating on me for hurting "everyone"  I know.   Though we have had a very strained relationship for years, I was trying to mend fences but she is not willing to accept me for who I am and she refuses to try to get past it all.  It hurts but I will just let her have time and maybe she will come around.  If not then it is her issue not mine as I have a life to live.  The way I want, not what others think I should be.  This is easier for me as I am fairly old (52) already and have set ways even though I am in transition.  

My advice is to give her time and space but do not let it linger to much.  Keep reminding her who you are and maybe she will come to it.  Maybe not.  Being angry will not help either of you so try to be as understanding as you can but stand up fro yourself too. 

Its a tough reality that those of us who decide to transition will eventually lose some and gain some.  Its a fact.  Its part of the risk of coming out vs hiding yourself for the sake of others, or fear, etc...

In the end you need to do what is healthy for yourself mentally and physically.  If there are those that chose not to be in your corner then you simply have to understand and give them there space.

That's what I am doing anyways...

Good Luck and Welcome..


Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 82 Guests (See full list)

    • NB Adult
    • Lucca
    • jae bear
    • ~FerretB!te~
    • MaryEllen
    • Damien Mcknight
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • ShawnaLeigh
      I tend to agree with @Willow on this.  I suppose it all boils down to your understanding and your definitions to both terms.  Both gender and sex can mean the same thing.  For instance. Your gender is male. Your sex is male.  However if you add the prefix Trans which means loosely. “The other side of”. *Wiki It puts the terms more in prospective for me.   I view a MTF or FTM as Trans-Gender.  You are moving from one gender, male, to the other side of male, which is female.   The word sexual has a different meaning then the word sex.To me Sexual is a desire.  Sex can be the “act of” or your gender.  It seems to me trans sexual is my “sexual desire” moving way from my original desire.  In my case born male from females to males.  Now in my case specifically I consider myself a trans gender women or MTF.  I however desire women still so I do not consider myself transsexual.     
    • Leah
      Try workout bras on e-bay. Not very sexy, but not obvious, even under a T-Shirt. And "Tee-shirt bras." Seamless cups.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Thats a good point Willow.   I can understand in this day and age how the lines between Transsexual and Transgender are now blurred by the current state oi world.   To simplify as possible. So i do not go on with a 100 page essay. (yes those regular reading of my posts will know i can without comeing up for air)   However in my personal opnion. transsexual would be associated with someone that wants to completly transform and travel from one sex to another. Regardless of the sacrifices that may need to be made to reach that goal. where Transgender would be used for a person who only identifys there gender as oposite and would not consider gender dysphoria a condition they associate themselves with.   Im quite old school and like my distance from the transgendered mindset   Im not saying its wrong to be transgendered but i do believe its a diffrent state of being.   As far as children are concerned. I would personally aire on the side of transgender. As you pointed out. you cannot associate there state of mind to a sexual attraction to the opposite or same sex. However. I will say. I Knew i was diffrent at about 7 years of age or there abouts. But could not say i was transsexual. But knew i wanted to grow up female. Just like many others. I did go to bed at night and prayed i would wake up a girl.   I was Transsexual and even if i would not consider it in my current life. My transition finnished and now i am accepted as a woman in society and by myself. This was as i mentioned above what i always wished for before i went to sleep in my childhood    
    • Laura76
      MaryMary, Jackie C and Jani,   Thank you for your insight and recommendations. I will use them all. And Thank you VickySgv, I will be watching your videos tonight.   Any if there are additional recommendations that come to mind please send them.   Again thank you all, Laura76    
    • Aidan5
      I feel like he may have caught on to me or something. Since my friend Tyler and I were having a conversation about sports and trans teams. 
    • Jackie C.
      Cis or trans, a guy is still a guy. He wasn't all that far off. You're not really lying if you're being true to yourself. I tell people I'm a woman. That's true. I just need a couple of renovations to get my body caught up to the rest of me.   What a peculiar thing to strike up a conversation about. I admire your restraint. Depending on the day, I might have let him have it.   Hopefully, he'll learn better manners as he gets older.   Hugs!
    • Susan R
      Rachel, This hit me like a brick wall...eerily similar to what I stated in my “Life Changes” email I sent to my family as I was coming out.  It was the trigger.  sometimes it takes something like this to wake us up and really acknowledge our reality. Kudos to you for recognizing your truth.  I‘m sure it was as difficult for you as it was for me.   Here is a the way I stated it to my family from my email.   ”I started doing more and more soul searching and when I  found out that [our brother] had died, it really hit me hard. I realized life is  short and we aren't going to be around much longer. If we want to  share our lives with those we love, now is the best time to do it.”   My wife too!  Your story and mine are very similar.   Susan R🌷
    • Jackie C.
      Let's see... daily wear is usually a t-shirt with something clever written on it and jeans. Mostly dark colors and blues. I can get away with splashes of maroon though. I love my maroon jeans. Then I put a sweatshirt or a sweater on top if it because I'm cold. My current favorite is gray, kind of shapeless and has a fox wearing glasses featured predominantly on the front. Sometimes I spice it up with a long sleeved shirt. I'm sensitive about my bust line though so there's usually a high neck line with minimal cleavage showing. More formal wear will be a nice shirt. Usually blue or black with blue accents or a blue pattern. Then add slacks this time of year. Going formal I'll add one or two accents. Generally a necklace or wristband with a decorative scarf (again, sensitive about my lack of a bust line). No matter what, I'm nearly always wearing my favorite pair of boots. They're kind of medium-dressy ankle boots with a couple of decorative straps. They go with almost anything, but I also have party shoes, formal shoes, sneakers and athletic shoes as the situation requires.    In the summer, it will either be a t-shirt or a tank (I look great in a tank top) with shorts. Sometimes I rotate in one of my skirts. I have a lovely peasant skirt that is easily one of the coolest things I own on a hot day. Summertime is always sandals unless I'm dressing for a specific formal function.   For the most part, I look like a librarian. Not the sexy kind. Glasses. Conservative dress. Usually with some drapery. I've got a real thing for drapery when I'm decorating myself to go out.   Hugs!
    • Aidan5
      Morning all, I had a very awkward bus ride.    The kid next to me still thinks I am a cis guy ahaha. He never asked so I just went with it lol (I feel bad for lying but I dont think I will tell him anytime soon) So he turns to me and asks me.. "What's your view on trans people?"  So I kinda just sat there and before I could say anything he told me  "If a girl is trying to be a boy, I am still going to call her a her, because she will always be a she. The same for the other way around." So, I spoke up and told him that he should respect other people's pronouns. I don't hate him for his view but it is pretty mean not gonna lie, I will always respect other's views on subjects. I really don't want to be his friend anymore so I am just gonna avoid him. I won't start any drama because I am a gentleman (Sometimes haha)  
    • Michelle F
      Thank you so much everyone. Y'all  have really helped my transition. 
    • Willow
      @Maid In Bedlam@ShawnaLeigh  The two terms were in fact Transsexual and Transgender.  Transgender is currently considered to be the most correct term.  We have gender dysphoria,   not sexual dysphoria.  The definition of gender verses sex.   would a child determined to be transgender at a very young age be more attracted to "the opposite sex" than someone who figured it out well after puberty, a young adult?  Would the young adult who had some sort of experience be more attracted to "the same sex"?  Is there any correlation?   Willow  
    • Damien Mcknight
      I usually go for a more preppy, kinda tomboy goth thing, but also a light and cute pastel style   basically flannels, graphic tees, and black ripped jeans
    • MaryMary
      I have a silver bracelet forged by a trans woman (yes, forged). It's not trans related but it's the thing that I wear that's "I'm proud to be transgender". It's really beautifull
    • VickySGV
      I can't say they are my favorites, and I am not Goth, but if I reach of any outfit these days it seems to be some type of black T shirt and black slacks.  My most common source of T shirts are support purchases for Trans groups I am part of.  The one I grabbed when I tossed off my pajama top reads "Trans Voices Matter".
    • VickySGV
      To give you hope here, I have been out full time for 10+ years as myself and maybe 10 or 20 part time out before then and the feeling I have lost is SHAME which may be the word you are looking for more than embarrassed.  SHAME is a killer almost literally and needs to be dealt with or we are in trouble.  I am a Trans activist and while not star quality, I have been in the public eye in film and news and speaking engagements where people absolutely know I am Trans and I am proud and happy with all of that, so certainly SHAME has been put to its end for me.  We have nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels that way in our early days of exploration because we think our families and friends feel disappointment in us and we feel that we are letting their hopes and expectations down by coming out and living our own hopes.  I still struggle with that from time to time and have trouble dealing with expansive compliments about my living my truth and being a community model when I do not feel I have done as well as they say I have.   I overcome that feeling of letting people down by being the BEST ME I can be which, after all, is where we really should be going.  The shame we really deserve is when we have not been the best human being we can be, loving, fully accepting of others, able to celebrate differences and much more.     You are YOU!!  Find out how to be the BEST YOU you can be!  Have fun as you do it.
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...