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A fellow FTM I know

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Hello, my fellow dreamers!



I wish to share a piece of disturbing information I've received quite recently.


When I was in acting school, there was a trans guy a year above me. He was out and had already transitioned but I actually didn't realize he was trans until much later. For all I knew, he was just one of the many attractive cis male aspiring actors who studied there. I found out because, one time, I ended up hearing a conversation about his working experience with a known theatre director, a transphobic old man who ended up making his life miserable and forcing him to quit the show. Bloody ignorant bastard he is and, between you and me, his work kinda sucks. 


Ever since then, I became quietly mesmerized with this trans colleague of mine and started to admire him in secret. 

Until this day, we have yet to engage in conversation with each other. He did send me a friendship request on facebook though, which I accepted without second thought. That surprised me, I didn't know, back then, he was even aware of my existence. If only he knew what constantly goes on in my head... Maybe we could have been great friends then. I surely wish for that to happen. Oh well...


It's been years since I've seen him in person. He graduated in 2015, a year before I did. That's when I last laid eyes on him.

2019 is almost ending and he has been on my mind ever since I've heard about his reality. 


Yesterday, I went to meet a friend (who had also attended the same acting course as me and him). She, just like myself, has never talked to the guy, she was two years bellow him and didn't have the opportunity of properly getting to know him. She does know he's trans though, apparently everyone does. 

We were talking and he suddenly appeared in our conversation. Out of the blue, she said that Mathew had jumped onto the tube tracks in an attempt to kill himself. He failed miserably though. He wasn't able to achieve his goal and, to make matters even worse, lost an arm in the process.

I was deeply saddened by this and, I've got to admit, extremely surprised. 

This guy, the one I have admired so, who has achieve what I've been dreaming of for so long, tried to kill himself.


Before continuing, I'm gonna share something else: a conversation that took place back in 2014.

A female classmate of mine, whose personality causes me great distress, the only person I have met to disturb me in such a way (it's rare for me to dislike someone), once shared with me that he had admitted, while chatting with her, to like-like her (obviously the guy had never spent much time with this person. I was on tour with this girl, so I was being forced to spend a lot of time with her, and there was no way, at least from what I believe, he would fall for her extreme egocentric and shallow, instagram image obsessed qualities). She, not surprisingly, didn't return his feelings and was disturbed, without expressing it with words but with rather obvious disgusted facial expressions instead, that "someone like him" actually thought he had a chance. 

I know she was hoping for an answer such as "Bloody hell, how are you getting out of this one?" or "Does he really think you like him back?" or, the worst of all, the simple "Ew.". I stayed quiet though. I do know, however, that it's very likely that my face ended up revealing awkward desperation. 

This girl goes for any guy who is remotely attractive and who would make her look "cool". He fits the profile. I wouldn't mind dating him myself. I like guys and he's definitely a guy and he seems interesting enough to be given a chance. 


Oh well, I wanted to share this as it shows another glimpse of the troubles he faces, even though I still kept envying his life after knowing this.

My envy is mostly placed on his physical features though. 

He doesn't look female whatsoever, he has had top surgery (I don't know about the lower one), he's young and attractive.

But now I know, he's still miserable and probably has been for all these years. 

It makes me wonder. There's so much agony involved in coming out and transitioning and he was able to go through all of it, achieving his objective to be perceived as male. But all this isn't enough. He still chooses death.


I choose death as well. But I'm not out like him. I don't look male at all and live life as a girl (my true self has been hidden for quite a long time). 

I believe I will never be able to have the guts to come out and transition. I'm still on a quest to find a flawless way to end my life. I fear failure above all and also my situation worsening just like it happened to him.


I wish I had the courage to message him.

But I'm scared that sharing my thoughts would end up in a forced coming out for me (we have many common acquaintances).

Also, I don't want to remind him of the traumatizing events that recently occurred in his life. 


I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

I do hope the word "coward" doesn't come up in the comment section. I believe suicide requires great courage too, it's not like going to the supermarket and having to choose between cornflakes or bread for breakfast. 











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Oliver just remember that suicide solves nothing.  It leaves behind a mess and many questions that can never be answered.  Taking on life and living it to the best of your ability is sweet revenge against those that say (or think) you can't or shouldn't be the real you.


As to your friend, reach out to him.  He sent you a friend request so there is your opening to say hello and to offer support.  As to his injury, he will need your support.  



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1 hour ago, Jani said:

Oliver just remember that suicide solves nothing.  It leaves behind a mess and many questions that can never be answered.  Taking on life and living it to the best of your ability is sweet revenge against those that say (or think) you can't or shouldn't be the real you.


As to your friend, reach out to him.  He sent you a friend request so there is your opening to say hello and to offer support.  As to his injury, he will need your support.  




Hi, Jani


Thank you for your answer.

It's calming to know there are people like you who will listen. TransPulse is a marvelous website.


When it comes to suicide, I understand your belief.


I wish to share with you that I don't really wish to die though. I believe living has much to offer, I just don't see myself being offered the good things. I want to live, just not this life. 

There's more I struggle with than gender identity issues actually (this is the biggest one though). I also have Aspergers (which makes it even harder to communicate with others without being perceived as "weird", at least some people think of "quirky" instead) and Bipolar Disorder. This last one comes with great depressive episodes that last a long period of time, I'm currently going through one right now and I have been for the past 7 months. It's a big one this one. Oh and the issue with my gender lingers even in when I'm experiencing a high moment (which usually last two to three weeks or so, nothing compared with the depression that always follows, which lasts at least two months), I just feel extremely energetic (what a person usually experiences while on cocaine) and can perform tasks with extreme ease and speed. 


About suicide once more.

It's true that death is a great mystery to all living beings, we can't be certain of what lies ahead. But it's also true that, with uncertainty, comes the chance it might be filled with bliss. 

Again: believe me, I do love life (other people's). I know there are amazing things out there. I just can't seem to enjoy them while trapped in this body. I turn to fiction all time. I close my eyes in the middle of the day and live as male in stories that I create in my mind. I do this a lot. It's not good though. It adds to depression because, when my eyes open once more, reality hits even harder. However, I can't seem to stop doing this. 


There was a post I commented on recently about being trans and having, in dreams, your wished for body. 

I don't experience a male-me in dreams much. It's quite a rare occurrence. I, actually, many times experience dysphoria while sleeping. I talked about a lucid dream (in that post) where I truly was living the life I hoped for and, truth be told, it wasn't anything grand. It mocks me everyday, that dream, reminding me of what I will never have.


I've worked a lot for the things I've achieved in life. 

I'm young but I already have, in the past and present, a lot of work to show (professionally). 

It's all superficial though, another addition to my act.

I enjoy it, my job, but not as much as I'd wish to. 

I'm a professional actress that dreams of playing male roles. I look at my male colleagues working and sorrow is the first emotion that hits me. I'm in the acting business because I wished to be an actor but I can't be one, so I've just had to settle for the closest thing: an actress that performs side by side with her dream-self.

And the sex scenes (faked of course, I don't do pornography and never will). Bloody hell, being a closeted FTM and having to do intimate scenes with a fellow actor while other people watch. I have trouble having sex in real life (almost 4 years passed since the last time I did it) and with a bloody audience... and acting "sexy"... just makes me feel so disgusted with myself.


All this to say that I suffer from mental issues as well and, the only thing I feel like I can control in my life and have passion for is just my fantasy's cheap nearest possibility.

I haven't even been in a relationship and I'm 24 years old. And guys are easily attracted to me. I just constantly end up running away as soon as one gets too close. 

You might see my profile pic and think: Oh but you kinda look boyish...

I don't. This is the only record of me looking a bit like a guy. 

That pic is a lie, an attempt at pretending to feel comfort after one hour of crying in front of a mirror. My whole life is a lie.


If I came out and began transitioning, I would loose all the effort I putted in to achieve where I am now professionally. I would have to stop working for a long time and returning to where I was, after hiatus and with a new identity, it's impossible. 

And I would most likely look weird, I know I wouldn't look like many trans guys out there (like the one I've talked about here). I'm only 5ft and, even though skinny, I have a quite female looking figure. 

Also, bottom surgery terrifies me, I feel like the result would be freaky and cause of greater body dysphoria. So, I know I would never achieve a fully male body. Also, I don't want to be a 5ft actor. What roles would I play? The fool in a Shakespeare play? I don't want that.


Suicide is something I find to be a good option.

I'm not meant to enjoy life.

Instead of living, I keep surviving each day that passes.

My youth is fading. They say you should enjoy youth while it lasts but all my attempts weren't enough. 

I struggle daily.

And, truth be told, sometimes, it simply doesn't get better.




About Mathew:


The friend request was made years ago.

We haven't even been in the same space for god knows how long.

He might remember me from the posts I may have made on social media but we aren't even acquaintances. 


I don't feel comfortable talking to him.

And he would probably be extremely distressed about the fact that I, someone who he never spoken with, know about one of the most (if not the most) traumatic episodes in his lifetime.


I also, even though I've been wanting to ever since I knew he was trans, can't tell him that I, due to similar issues, understand his situation. 

People can't help but talk about others and he most likely wouldn't be an exception. 


I'll support him quietly. 

And, if he ever tries again and ends up succeeding, I'll truly hope he has found the peace he deserves.




Once again, thank you for your answer.

I'm sorry if I was too extreme when talking about the negative aspects of how I perceive the life I've been given.

I know there are a lot of trans people who, after coming out and transitioning,  live happy and fulfilling lives. I envy them. I'll never achieve what they have. Well, at least, there's the internet and this website. It makes it easier to cope.






















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Suicide is hard in general. Last summer I attempted to overdose and it left my family a mess right after while I was in the E.R. I was already out of the closet. My reasoning was that it felt like I had no where to turn, (Also had a ton other problems but that's for another time) My body felt wrong being a girl, I just hating being a girl in general, my family didn't care and (still) continues to use my deadname and female pronouns. But after talking with my therapist, and a situation one of my friends is in, I promised myself to never attempt again because I still have chances and opportunities. Friends are the family you get to choose, so remember that. All my friends call me Aidan and use male pronouns, that is the best feeling. So maybe find yourself some friends who understand, (If they don't, they don't deserve you).


Also, reach out to him. If he added you, he probably wants to be friends. Help him out a bit by being his moral support. But don't put too much stress on yourself either.


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Oliver at 24 it may feel like you are too old and your female persona is too established but if you read through the threads on this site that it is never too late to be honest with yourself.

As for being a short actor; Danny Devito, Joe Pesci and Tom Cruise have never had any issues getting roles, we can't all be Tom Hiddleston or Chris Hemsworth. Look up Anthony Carrigan, he enjoys acting and is about as unique as one could be.

Your Aspergers is just how your brain is wired, it has allowed/will allow you to pick up on things other people do not think about which is why you can socially mask - it probably helps your acting tremendously but it does not stop you being a man. Everybody hides parts of themselves to fit in, it is just that many people do not acknowledge they do it and trans people have had a lot of practice. No one has a perfect life, they only share the best parts on social media and so transitioning is only patching one of the bigger holes in the leaking bucket of energy you have. Everyone has worries and insecurities and bills, and that includes the fantasy image of the guy you had built in your head.

Living is more than just breathing and getting up in the morning. 


Given that the average UK lifespan is 80 - that would give you almost 50 years of living and being recognised as a male.

I am a 41 yo 5'7, happy and hairy bald man as far as everyone around me perceives. If I transition I either accept wearing wigs for the rest of my life or being a bald woman, I will never be as pretty as my sisters who are all happy with their gender - but I am only just becoming aware of how much I have always socially and emotionally seen myself in the traditional female role.  I have a good career and kids and I have to ask myself if it is worth it.


You seem to very much know who you are, but do not let fear of the unknown colour your choices before you make them, contact the NHS and make an appointment at your local GIC, no one else will need to know you have done it and they will help you explore your fears and feelings safely, whatever you choose to do moving forwards. The NHS is not fast so there are no time pressures and they will not force you to transition if you choose not to.


Sorry for the long post, and also - pleased to meet you :) 

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Timber Wolf

Hi Oliver,

Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us.


While I don't struggle with bipolar disorder, I am a recovering addict, and when I got off drugs the absence of dopamine in my brain made mr extremely depressed. I didn't expressly want to die, but I didn't want to live either. I was just in a deep hole I couldn't seem to climb out of. I lived in the woods surrounded by National Forest land, my lifes dream come true. I would look at the forest which had always been so beautiful to me, and I would think, "the world is a beautiful place, but not for me". I do have some idea how depression feels, though I can't say for sure about bipolar depression.


The experience of my life has taught me that suicide is not a good option. I have tried it once and was fortunate that I "failed" and wasn't harmed in the attempt and no one found out. I realized after that it was a mistake and I've never tried it again. I now view my "failure" as a success.


As far as what lies beyond, I guess I can't say with certainty. But I did have an out of body experience once, and I was very concious of all that had happened in my life. Nothing went away. I believe that had I managed to kill myself, my conciousness would have gone on feeling the same hurt. I would have still had to find a way to deal with it before I could have found peace.


I've had my share of reasons I could have given up on life. My addiction cost me an armature sports career, and ultimately lead to my losing my home in the forest (my lifes dream). I still have tremendous pain and anger over this. And I haven't even covered my dysphoria yet at being in a male body and having to live in public as the wrong gender. But again my life experience had taught me that I just don't really know what the future might have in store. Before I achieved my dream of moving to and living in the north woods, I could see no Avenue whatsoever to getting my dream. It seemed utterly hopeless. But it happened.  I never saw it coming until it did. I've learned that no matter how bleak and hopeless things may appear today, there is hope. I never thought I would be able to be Carla with my family, but I am. I am Carla with my family, and we've grown comfortable with it. That seemed impossible before. Now it is.


I seek the beautiful things in life. They are usually the small things. I love a beautiful sunset. I love watching the full moon rise above the trees at work. I love autumn leaves, flowers, crisp sunny autumn days, snow falling, my cat Gizmo. I find happiness where I can, and try to focus on that. I've joined this community and every time I sign out I say, "good byefor now dear friends, I love you". I tell people on my online 12 step meeting I love them at the end of the meetings. These things are sustaining. The people here and in my 12 step meetings sustain me. I live for them, even with the pain life brings.


These are the lessons I have learned in life. There is hope. Just live.


Lots of love and a big hug, 

Timber Wolf 🐾

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Oliver i'm glad you are here and sharing.  I know when i found this site and met others it made a big difference in my ability to face my own issues.  I was much older, not going full time until i was 63.  I had contemplated suicide but saw the pain that loss caused others.  Instead i almost drank myself to death but again working with other alcoholics in AA helped me get and stay sober, today.   I lived much of my life in what seemed drudgery or pain.  I've realized it was to a great extent of my own making.

Funny how after finding friends in recovery and here and knowing i wasn't alone my outlook has changed.  Today i see the beauty of the farm where i've spent most of my life.

We never know what the future will bring so i try to enjoy each day i have.  Reaching out and getting to know others is part of that enjoyment.






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A quick update here.


Yesterday, I talked to him, this "fellow FTM I know". 

I didn't hide my identity, I was honest and, I gotta say, he's a wonderful being.

I believe we're gonna be mates from now on.

And I don't think he knows many trans people, if any. 

When looking at his facebook profile (not in a stalker kinda way), I realized that the friends who comment his posts are all people I know. I didn't care about that and still sent him a message. I'm glad I did. 

He, of course, won't say share any of my secrets with anyone. I was just an idiot, frightened of nothing.


I hope we'll find support on one another. We're both creatures with great fears and I guess sharing sad stories might be helpful when facing the cruel outside world.


Again, bloody great bloke he is!

I didn't know this but he actually has a website where he talks about transitioning and what it implies. It has some rather shocking pics of how bottom surgery looks like while on recovery. I admit, I'm a bit afraid to look. One thing is the final result but the in between is another. Oh yeah, he has had all surgeries. He wrote on the website that, for the bottom part, he needed to undergo 11 surgeries. It's madness! 

I won't share the link with you. Sorry, mates. I don't know how comfortable he would be if you, who are aware of tragic details of his life, saw his pictures, read his words and even commented on his posts. 

He'll keep my identity a secret and I'll keep his.






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I am glad you have found a supportive friend OliverPerry.  I'm also glad you are not sharing his pictures and identity here.  At the same time having a friend who can help you find your path is a great asset.





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Timber Wolf

Hi Oliver,

I'm glad you found your friend and can support each other. 


Lots of love, 

Timber Wolf 🐾

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Adrian Doyle

That’s so great to hear, Oliver! I’ve recently been trying to figure out which of my friends are really gonna support me in the long run, and those that have stayed are so wonderful that I can’t thank them enough! I really hope that you become great friends with him!

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Jackie C.

Friends can surprise you. All my friends chose to me. Even the ones I was absolutely sure would be against my transition. It can go the other way too, sadly. All you can do is tell them and see how they'll react. Best of luck!



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Jackie C.

Oh hell. That was supposed to read "All my friends chose to support me." I'm working on my NaNoWriMo project in another window so I'm more distracted than usual. 😋



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Five people know already and, still, they don't look at me differently. Well, uh, actually, they do but not in a bad way.

I've managed to hide this rather well throughout the years so, obviously, it was shocking for all of them. They're still here with me though and none of them seems to have any plans to abandon me.

Cool thing that.


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45 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Oh hell. That was supposed to read "All my friends chose to support me." I'm working on my NaNoWriMo project in another window so I'm more distracted than usual. 😋




Ahahah I understood what you meant. 

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