I am also so confused about who I am.

[Lilbitconfused97]

Hi everyone, I have posted one thread on this site about exercising and I got some really great responses so thought I would post another thread if that is ok. 

 

I currently identify as a gay cis man, but I am very confused. I've always felt as though I am uncomfortable in my body, however I suffered from an eating disorder when I was younger so always believed that was the reason for my body dysphoria. Around 10 months ago, I sat in my bed and the thought of 'Maybe I am trans?' ran through my mind. It was terrifying, and in all honestly I have had more sleepless nights since than I would care to admit. 

 

My mental health is very bed, I am seeing my university mental health nurse around every 3 weeks as this is as often as appointments are available. I am having suicidal thoughts often, although I do not believe I will carry them out. 

 

The bottom line is, I don't have the answers right now as to who I am, and as I am in my final year of university I simply don't have the time or energy to find the answers at this time. Yet, it is obvious to me that this is severely impacting my life - studies, physical health (I have gained a lot of weight), friendships, mental health. 

 

I am not sure why I am writing this, but i suppose I really just need to explain my situation to people who understand. I have to survive with these feelings and emotions until july 2020 as I really want to finish my university degree. 

 

My question - how did you fabulous people survive with these feelings and ideas when you were not in a place in your life as to take time out to explore them? 

 

Hugs, Tom. 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

I almost didn't. I went to some really dark places before I came out and started transitioning. I also engaged in some really self-destructive behaviors that impacted my professional life and my relationship with friends and family. I ballooned up to almost 300 ponds too. If my body wasn't going to be right no matter what I did, what was the point in taking care of it? My blood pressure and cholesterol numbers were epic high. My doctor said he'd only seen one person my age higher (so I couldn't even do THAT right ?). I guess I reached the point where it was scarier to not transition than it was to just jump in with both feet.

 

So what feelings led me to transition? I kind of always knew. I used to pretend I was a girl when I was home alone. Probably the only time my parent's style was a good thing... without getting into too much detail, one's an absentee-style parent. The other one is a narcissist. I had a lot of unsupervised time so long as I wasn't making too much noise. I'm basically feral.

Anyway, those feelings didn't go away. As I got older I found myself in a major state of envy of the girls around me. On the plus side, I'm into women so that helped with the "fitting in." On the downside, I'm absolute rubbish at acting like a guy so it took a long time to find a woman who accepted me for who I am. Lots of female friends though. Surrounded by women is kind of my happy place, so at least that worked out.

 

More tragic backstory -- When I was about twelve, I was told that I wouldn't live past forty because of my asthma. This affected a bunch of decisions for me later in life because, well, 40. Why try if you're going to die young no matter what you do? So I convinced myself that I could hold out until my heart exploded and took steps to make sure it happened as quickly as possible. I didn't pursue transition because it was the eighties, I was chronically depressed, and I felt that I was going to die soon anyway. I overate. I didn't exercise. I did the bare minimum to hold a job and I didn't try to follow any of my dreams. This is about the point I really could have used a therapist, but I was raised in the era where there was a huge stigma towards the mentally ill and I'm a very high functioning depressive so nobody noticed. 

I was an absolute terror to be around, but people figured I was just an asshat. I was good at my slacker tech-support job and that's all anybody wanted me to be. As an aside, I absolutely abhor the person I am when I'm doing tech-support work. I do not like that person at all. I think in some ways I was punishing myself. I used to sit on the edge of my bed every night and quietly pray to die in my sleep. I got heart palpitations at one point and I was excited that the end was finally here. I just smiled to myself and didn't tell a soul.

 

A couple of years ago I realized that 40 was in the rear-view mirror. The feelings of being trapped in my body never went away. I always felt more comfortable in the female role. I have a friend who's bi-gendered so I'd dipped my toe in the water so to speak. I was pretty sure what I had to do at this point, so I bought some breast forms and a wig (the doctor wasn't completely wrong, my hair died when I was 39. Alopecia Universalis. A mixed blessing. I've lost my lovely hair, but I don't have to shave anything) along with some hip padding just before my wife went away for a week on a trip. Once she was gone, I slipped into my female persona. It was absolute heaven. I stayed dressed until about an hour before Susan got home. I knew what I had to do to keep living.

 

I made an appointment to talk to a therapist the next day. I started on HRT four months later and I've never looked back. I feel alive. I have dreams again and I'm actually pleasant to be around. I might be a bit of a Pollyanna though if I'm being honest with myself.

 

So here we are almost two years into my transition. I'm having my bottom surgery in February 2020. I feel better than I ever have. I'm down 110 pounds or so and I'm probably in the best shape of my life. My relationship with my wife is better than ever. I lost a parent but, y'know, see above. Not much of a loss. My friends were, frankly hilarious. I came out to them and they said, "Well, duh." Complete non-event. It's been a very positive experience for me. My only regret is that I didn't have the courage to do what I needed to until, well, now.

 

I hope some of that helps in some small way.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

Hi Tom LBC!

Likewise I nearly didn't survive either, doing indirectly suicidal things sort of inviting myself to be killed (shouldn't need to discuss details as I'm sure many others have had some similar doings). It was only during therapy with a gender therapist that the light came on in my head. Previously I'd been active in a gay men's therapy group which while better than having to pretend I was an ordinary male, still didn't quite work. The group leader would pose questions for the group and everyone had answers much different than mine. They also couldn't understand how I felt or why I responded more like a woman than a man/gay man.

If you described taking on a role as "wearing a hat" then putting on my woman's hat gave me a good feeling about myself, left me feeling at peace with all my complicated, inexplicable feelings and reactions, and let me realize that my life does make sense after all.

Having chugged through university myself while struggling with a box carload of confused feelings, I can empathize. Buckle down and get through it, but give yourself some peace too. You will find answers, you can sort this out, it will be okay.

[Lilbitconfused97]

Thank you for the replies! Although it is sad to hear that you both had self-destructive behaviour, it is comforting to hear that others treated themselves the same way. I always felt angry that I couldn't just treat myself with respect and be a well-rounded 'boy'. 

 

It seems as though the next step is try and talk to a gender therapist, as although the councillor I see at university is kind and caring, I think she is very out of her depth with my issues. 

 

I am glad to hear that both of you came out of the tunnel on the other side! If you can do it so can I. 

 

Hugs, Tom. 

[Lee H]

On 11/18/2019 at 5:16 AM, Lilbitconfused97 said:

Thank you for the replies! Although it is sad to hear that you both had self-destructive behaviour, it is comforting to hear that others treated themselves the same way. I always felt angry that I couldn't just treat myself with respect and be a well-rounded 'boy'. 

 

It seems as though the next step is try and talk to a gender therapist, as although the councillor I see at university is kind and caring, I think she is very out of her depth with my issues. 

 

I am glad to hear that both of you came out of the tunnel on the other side! If you can do it so can I. 

 

Hugs, Tom. 

Permanent solution to a temporary problem. The peope on this site seem very much worth listening to.