I don't know why I am thinking this way.

[KymmieL]

Since I had the blow up with my wife about me being trans. With her saying if I want to be female a divorce is what will happen. Almost ever since then it seems like I am almost making plans to leave. Being I am looking to move to the home office in Springfield, MO. I have looked into rentals. I have thought of what I would take, What I would leave. Which of our cars I will take. (The motorcycles is coming no matter what.) Keep our storage but change the lock so I only have access to it.

 

I have even looked into what the VA has in way of transgender care in the area. I have even thought of if I would actually have part of my VA disability still go to our joint account. What I am willing to give up for me to  become myself.  34+ years of marriage is the big thing. Maybe never seeing most of my family again.

 

I still don't really know about my older and middle sons reaction. I believe that my middle son will be OK. Still not sure of my oldest. Then I have to think of my daughter in law. Then there is my youngest who will be mad at me because I wasn't here to help him get his project car running.

 

I do plan on talking to my therapist early next month about this. But in the mean time. I thought I would post here and get some incite from others.

 

Kymmie

[VickySGV]

Counseling will help you get your thoughts together which is the first step.  I would also get some legal help for yourself to see what will be separate maintenance of your joint finances going, and how to get actual agreements in place ahead of time.  It will help the dissolution of the marriage go more smoothly.

 

With the kids, all three of them, it will depend on what they have seen of your relations with their other parent over the last few years, and it could be surprising for you in a good way.  It could be a relief to them and give them better access to each of you over the coming years.  My marriage did not end over my gender issues, but my three kids have told me many times they have better relationships with each of us than they did before we were divorced..  My Ex and I both accept that we have a more sister and sister relationship these days and do have respect for each other.  We are now family members related through our children.

[ShawnaLeigh]

6 hours ago, KymmieL said:

With her saying if I want to be female a divorce is what will happen. Almost ever since then it seems like I am almost making plans to leave.

I am in this boat too my friend.  However my wife is totally accepting and supportive for me to do what is right for me, she insists still that once I am full time that our marriage will be over.  I don't know exactly what that will mean as far as a relationship with her but the marriage will be over.

Although I would prefer to remain in the marriage there is a small part that is ok with moving on now.  The small little hurt of her being and acting so supportive and accepting but taking the firm stance that I am gone once I become me on the outside I'm gone, bothers me to no end.  Its truly NOT acceptance in essence.  The love we share in our marriage is not enough.  So I have been trying to plan too. 

I feel, for me, its simply survival mode since I have been here three other times in bad divorces losing everything in my life.  So don't beat yourself up about trying to ensure a secure future with or without your wife.  I am lucky in the fact that all my kids are grown and out on there own and my wife and I have had no children as I came into the relationship "fixed" as we dog parents say.  

Its still a hard thing to think of in the dark of the night when you cant sleep.  It eats away at you.

It does me.

 

[TommieAnne]

On 11/25/2019 at 11:39 PM, KymmieL said:

Since I had the blow up with my wife about me being trans. With her saying if I want to be female a divorce is what will happen. Almost ever since then it seems like I am almost making plans to leave. Being I am looking to move to the home office in Springfield, MO. I have looked into rentals. I have thought of what I would take, What I would leave. Which of our cars I will take. (The motorcycles is coming no matter what.) Keep our storage but change the lock so I only have access to it.

 

I have even looked into what the VA has in way of transgender care in the area. I have even thought of if I would actually have part of my VA disability still go to our joint account. What I am willing to give up for me to  become myself.  34+ years of marriage is the big thing. Maybe never seeing most of my family again.

 

I still don't really know about my older and middle sons reaction. I believe that my middle son will be OK. Still not sure of my oldest. Then I have to think of my daughter in law. Then there is my youngest who will be mad at me because I wasn't here to help him get his project car running.

 

I do plan on talking to my therapist early next month about this. But in the mean time. I thought I would post here and get some incite from others.

 

Kymmie

The VA just recently opened a new primary care clinic (called a CBOC something to do with community) in the southwest part of Springfield, MO. So far from what I hear it's doing well. I dont know what care is offered there, but it is fairly complete. Also as a matter of policy, if you have to attend a remote site for care not offered at the clinic, they will either pay your travel mileage or transport you via shuttle van.

Re: disability to the joint account. Disability compensation is not income. You are under no obligation to give that to her, as it is not income, not taxable.

Sounds like you are getting organized. Good for you.

[NB Adult]

Tammy's right, your VA disability compensation is non-taxable and cannot be garnished by a plaintiff for any reason. 

38 USC § 5301 - Non-assignability and exempt status of benefits

(a)
(1) Payments of benefits due or to become due under any law administered by the Secretary shall not be assignable except to the extent specifically authorized by law, and such payments made to, or on account of, a beneficiary shall be exempt from taxation, shall be exempt from the claim of creditors, and shall not be liable to attachment, levy, or seizure by or under any legal or equitable process whatever, either before or after receipt by the beneficiary. 

[KymmieL]

I have learned that NB. Tammy that is good to know. With the discussion we had tonight.As I have said I had looked into  trading our explorer on a 06 Jeep Wrangler. With trading 2 vehicles in. We got approved. The discussion started do we want another payment. I told her that I didn't care either way. Then it wound up talking about moving. That if I found a job else were we would move and why haven't I looked for a job in a warmer place. Since I have a phobia about bad winter roads.

 

I had mentioned that Speedway motors in Lincoln was looking for customer service reps. She asked if I put in for it. I told her no. then why did I look at it. I told her that she liked it here and wouldn't want to move. However in the back of my mind, I am thinking that I am just waiting for the weather to get warmer than look into that position in Springfield. And I would be doing more of my transition.

 

I still have told her that if  I am still considering my transition to female. Thus getting the big D and I would be moving away. I don't know what her thinking is if the D happens. Does she think I am just going to stay here. Going nuts when I see her. Then really flipping if I see her with anyone else.

 

I am so confused right now. I can barely think straight.

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

I think you need to slow down and take a few deep breaths.  If your marriage and family are important to you, and they seem to be, then look at how you can satisfy your internal demands with that of remaining in your marriage and family.  I will offer this, that there are plenty of people who do not socially transition because their work is too appealing or their family is too important.  Only you know the answer but you need to sit and have a good discussion with a therapist.  Then you need to sit and talk with your wife.  I believe you might be able to work out a compromise where you are both satisfied.  Its not easy Kymmie but you can make this work.  

 

Jani

[ShawnaLeigh]

I think it is wise to plan for a future with and without your marriage.  Planning does not mean doing.  Just making sure you will be taken care of if anything happens.

I agree with Jani, try to find a common ground.  Right now it seems impossible.  But given time everybody will absorb what's going on and think about it better once the hurt and pain and shock of it all fades.  As has been said before, we have had a lot of time to process this issue.  The consider things.  Our wives have not and it will take them time too.  I'm not saying she will make a 100% turn around but surely she cares enough about the family to at least talk about it and try to make things better.

I find this is happening in my marriage.  Though it is still on a course of the big D like you say, it is more a transformation of itself into something that will keep us together, in part, just not legally married after a certain point.  I too am trying to prepare for a future with out her.  

But the stress of it all is fading each day and we seem to be doing good for now.  Day by day is all we can do.

[Belle]

15 hours ago, Jani said:

I think you need to slow down and take a few deep breaths.  If your marriage and family are important to you, and they seem to be, then look at how you can satisfy your internal demands with that of remaining in your marriage and family.  I will offer this, that there are plenty of people who do not socially transition because their work is too appealing or their family is too important.  Only you know the answer but you need to sit and have a good discussion with a therapist.  Then you need to sit and talk with your wife.  I believe you might be able to work out a compromise where you are both satisfied.  Its not easy Kymmie but you can make this work.  

 

Jani

I am in this boat too. What Jani says is what I'm doing. I feel at peace with this, and I've slowed down to make sure I don't make permanent changes to my life that will destroy it (and my family) completely unless it's absolutely necessary.

 

Because I have slowed down it has given room for my wife to process it and trust me a little more. I would rather have her support during this time of confusion than not.

 

Belle ❤️

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Belle said:

Because I have slowed down it has given room for my wife to process it and trust me a little more. I would rather have her support during this time of confusion than not.

Sometimes it just takes a bit of understanding and to slow down and see how it goes.  Doesn't mean you have to stop or even change your mind.  Maybe it will, maybe not.  But your right.  better with her then without during this time.  Include her in your journey, your thoughts and decisions, as fast or slow as you both need it to be.

Good Luck!

[KymmieL]

Well found out that the one position I was looking at got filled. But I keep and eye out to see if anything else opens that I may want to try for.

 

However I still can't understand why I feel this way. I love my wife dearly. I would be devastated to loose her, Yet I keep thinking the way I do. It feels right when I get a call from the VA and they ask for Kymmie. It brings up my spirits. So on Thursday, instead of a phone appointment. Being that I will be at the VA . I now have a office appointment. With my GYN, in the woman's clinic. even though it is just a quick one to discuss my T and E levels.

 

More and more I am believing that I am truly a woman in a mans body. Everything I am doing just feels right for some strange reason. Going out dressed, having an appointment at the woman's clinic. to the transition itself. I can't even explain it.

 

I don't even know just why I am up about an hour after going to bed. even though I am tired. I am one here at about 1am. blabbering on. 

 

Kymmie

[ShawnaLeigh]

7 hours ago, KymmieL said:

More and more I am believing that I am truly a woman in a mans body. Everything I am doing just feels right for some strange reason.

This is happening to me too.  Each day I get closer to who I am, I can only assume that in my mind, it makes it alright and better.   Its slow but moving.

 

7 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I don't even know just why I am up about an hour after going to bed. even though I am tired. I am one here at about 1am. blabbering on. 

This was me about two weeks ago.  No matter how tired I was.  No matter what time I went to bed or how hard I worked during the day I would not sleep more then an hour or two at a time.  I concluded it was the stress of it all at that time and my mind, even subconsciously, would just not let the gender issue go for the night.  It simply would not shut down.  Like I had to continuously work on it until resolved.  Which we know could take years.

Stress is a killer.

[KymmieL]

Gotta love the VA. I walk into the woman's clinic. the receptionist asks, "How can I help you, Ma'am. it just feels good. most everyone there calls me Kymmie. I truly am comfortable at the VA being my true self. Even though it is a place where military personal are everywhere. The air even seems full of T. yet.

 

I had a discussion with my GYN. I feel that I am working towards my goal. How ever slowly. All of my medical team is helping me towards my goal. Whether it is divorced or still married.

 

Kymmie

[TommieAnne]

Yes, the VA can be surprisingly wonderful.

In my last therapy session, my therapist asked me what pronouns I wanted to use during the transition (for now we're going with male ones since that is what I appear to be) and what was my preferred name. I told her "Tommie" (in Gaelic, Tammie and Tommie are each variant spellings of the same name) then as I was leaving she called me Tommie and I had the strangest warm feeling.

It's nice that they seem to go out of their way to be sweet to us.

Congratulations on your step forward Kymmie!