Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Alice K

A recent awakening, and trying to sort things out

Recommended Posts

Alice K

Hi everyone.

 

My name's Alice (for now). I was AMAB, and have spent the better part of the last 35ish years not really questioning that much. But these past few months it feels like a floodgate has opened and I'm being drawn to the feminine side of the spectrum, and I can't stop it, or hold it back anymore. As much as I've tried to not, I just keep thinking about it, keep feeling it, and I can't turn away. And then I stop trying to not think about it, and I do something "girly" like wear a castoff dress, or put on lip gloss or nail polish, and I feel -amazing- and happy and just... better. And then a friend online makes a comment and I have a panic attack and when I look in the mirror I just see a fat, balding, middle-aged man wearing pink lip gloss instead of the happy girl I was for a brief moment. But then, I just... can't stop thinking about it, and eventually I can't deny it, and I'll, like, shave my legs or something and just feel so wonderfully feminine again. And there was one time, before a certain friend I met online knew my secret and what I was feeling, that she invited me to a voice chat with another friend. Since everything had been text based to that point, they thought I was just plain ol' cis female. And I kept muted so they didn't hear my awful man voice and I ruin the illusion (pretended my mic was broken) but they called me Alice, and they referred to me as 'she' and 'her' and it felt so right that I cried.

 

But, most days, I feel like a fraud. I feel like an over privileged white male with pretensions that I can just 'decide' out of the blue that I want to be a woman, and make it so, and like so many white men before me, trample all over the struggles and trials and harsh realities that other people go through in the name of my own vanity.  And not just the women that I want to be one of, but trans women, trans people in general, who legitimately struggle with things, and don't need me doing whatever the hell I think I'm doing.

 

I think part of my problem is that I don't have, I guess "traditional" dysphoria. I always read about trans women identifying as girls since they were children. Or of feeling like they have the wrong body. Or heck, even just 'feeling like women'. And I don't know... what that means. I was told I was a boy when I was a child, so I was a boy. Boys have penises, so that all checked out. And then puberty hits but it doesn't feel -wrong-, just awful. Men are disgusting hairy brutes, and I turn into a disgusting hairy brute, so that all checked out. I've always hated my body, but it's never felt like it's supposed to have been different, or it is missing parts, or doesn't line up somehow. And as for feeling like a woman... how do I know what that feels like? I just feel like me. What would it feel like to be a woman?

 

But then, I think on it, and I've actually spent probably an unusual amount of time in my life thinking about that question. What -does- it feel like to be a woman? To have boobs, and a vagina, and periods, and estrogen instead of testosterone, and to -think- like a woman and have that perspective. I don't think most guys think about that. I don't think most guys want to find out. I don't think most guys, if given a magic button that would turn them into a natural born woman when pressed, would press that button. But I would, so where does that leave me? I poked around on this forum before joining, and I was drawn almost immediately to the HRT section, and what I found even more interesting than the talk about boob growth (sometimes, when I'm willing to admit it, I do feel an ache in my chest like maybe I am actually missing something there), what I found even more interesting than the adverse effects and warnings, is the talk about mental changes from taking estrogen. Changes to emotions, changes to perceptions, changes to feeling. I would never get a tattoo because I don't feel like I could ever pick something that I wouldn't regret, I don't even like drilling holes in things because it's a permanent, irreversible change. But reading that about HRT makes me, just, want to do it. So badly.

 

So... yeah, I don't know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Hi, Alice, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Your feelings are not unusual, and most of us here have had all of them, or most of them, at some point.  I asked my first therapist point blank if I was just deluding myself.  She assured me I was not.  So yeah, I've been there and done that.

 

There is a lot to discover among these forums, so I encourage you to look around, ask questions, and post your heart out.  We'll do our best to support you and never, ever judge you.  We are all different, but all the same.  Welcome aboard!

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

Hi Alice, and welcome! 

 

I can totally relate, to the overthinking. When I started questioning my gender again about a year ago, I spent a lot of time thi thinking about it. I still do! I'm so happy and excited to be transitioning. It's like the most exciting thing I've done with my life. I love being transgender, I love our community. I think about it all the time. 

 

You're not a fraud! You're at the beginning of exploring yourself. Privilege has nothing to do with it. Trans people come from all class, kind and creed of people. We all started exploring in ways that seemed trivial ie dressing up and 'pretending, dipping our toes in the water! There's nothing wrong with that, it's totally valid. Whether you find out you're trans, or non-binary, or not.

 

You don't need to have dysphoria to be in the transgender spectrum. And it's ok if you didn't know (like as a child). I had a number of moments as a kid that, in retrospect, speak to how I felt not the gender I was born. But I never thought I was a female. I'm just old enough that I didn't openly have access to the information to help me understand (such as is available via the internet today) and as such had no dialogue about it. In my teens and twenties I identified as androgynous, and that felt good! But later in my twenties, I feared I would be discriminated against, so I felt forced to go back in the closet. These things happen. 

 

I can only speculate from what you said. But just the fact that you're questioning and intrigued to research speaks to your motivation to explore yourself, whether you are or aren't. So don't hold back, explore! I suggest finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues. And having a dialogue with the community, such as ours. Learn from the experiences of others. We're happy you are here with us Alice 💕

 

~Toni

Share this post


Link to post
DeeDee

Hi Alice, pleased to meet you :) I recognise your struggle - if you go back to the beginning of my blog it echoes much of what you have said above, my gender just wasn't something I thought about until I turned 40 and my marriage dissolved, though I have dressed and "pretended" most of my life in secret, because I was ashamed. From the support here I have found it okay to ask my questions and share my thoughts and feelings - I honestly joined hoping that after sharing my story I would find that I did not fit in, and that the question of gender would go away when I found I didn't belong.

Turns out I am not as alone as I thought I was and there are many wonderful people here who have had their own experiences some of which will be similar to yours but importantly will give you the space without judgement to find out what it all means for you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Alice K

Hi everyone, and thank you for the responses. Even the limited time I've been on the forums already has been amazingly helpful. I get the feeling that I'm going to be a mess for... a while. This is all new and terrifying and part of me really hates it and wants it to go away. But the genie's not going back in the bottle. This is who I am.

 

Here's sort of the paradox I'm dealing with right now:

I feel like a girl. I don't know what being a girl feels like.

 

I don't have the language or frame of reference to even explain that better. I'm not even really sure I know what I'm trying to say.

 

I know what being a man feels like, whether I want to or not. But then, sometimes that feels like Plato's cave, and that's all just testosterone and shadows on the wall. It's not reality, I just think it is because it's all I know and I've never questioned it. Like ToniTone said, growing up there wasn't exactly an amazing amount of available information. My mom let me watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was probably too young for it, but that's hardly an educational tool even for crossdressing. But that's about all there really was that I was exposed to, and even that was a bit more about ridicule than acceptance.

 

So I may not know what it's like to be a girl, and I may have been chastised by friends (the one who knows, sadly, but also indirectly several who don't) for tying my explorations to things like clothes and makeup which are "societal constructs and not what being a woman is about". Maybe not, but I feel better about myself when I do it. But even when I don't wear anything girly, I feel better about myself just thinking of myself as Alice, as a girl, as she and her. And today at least, I feel good about that (tomorrow I will probably feel like a fraud again). It's a place to start, and the rest is part of the adventure.

 

~Alice

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 1 Anonymous, 192 Guests (See full list)

    • ToniTone
    • Cyndee
    • Charlize
    • secondlook
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,766
    • Total Posts
      630,586
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,117
    • Most Online
      8,356

    NothingFails
    Newest Member
    NothingFails
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. claire1000
      claire1000
      (69 years old)
    2. nikrs
      nikrs
  • Posts

    • Charlize
      Welcome dear.   I'm glad you have joined us here.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Charlize
      Thank you for sharing about your life Kathy Lauren.  So many parts of your story mirror my own.  Perhaps the biggest difference is that  after staying back in the 3rd grade i was no longer the smallest kid so i avoided being the target of bullies. This journey to self acceptance was  hard but so worthwhile for me as well.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I give it 👍👍
    • Timber Wolf
      Good morning everyone, 🐁   Happy Birthday nikrs!🎂 Happy Birthday claire1000!🎂 Hope you have a great day!   Lots of love,  Timber Wolf 🐾
    • Jackie C.
      Yeah, that happens to FtM's, but once you've grown out your voice box, that's it. Fortunately, resonance is more important than pitch (see Cher) and you can train yourself to speak with both a higher pitch and feminine resonance. It's hard work, but it totally pays off. Well worth every second I spent doing it.   Alternately, voice surgery is a thing but it only helps with pitch. You still need to train to speak from the right part of your throat.     I get that too. I'm 5'11". My new favorite person at the gym is this lovely woman who is taller than me. I just like standing next to her. But hey, remember that there's a 7' cis-female model out there. Tall girls can be pretty too. It's harder to find clothes, but we can be pretty.   I'm not sure about being alone. Alone time is important, but being around friends can be very affirming. Especially if they know, and use your correct name/pronouns. Or even if they don't know and use the correct name and pronouns. Being around people who know and that you trust is incredibly affirming for me.     I took that approach too. It was scary... so, so scary... but I did it, and it worked out for the best. @Susan R is right though, therapists have seen, heard (and/or done) everything. You can't shock them. I think it's more likely that she'll be happy to finally get through that last bit of armor and get to meet the real you. OK, my therapist described it more as storming a castle. After two years she's past the moat... and I came to her as trans... but I prefer an armor metaphor. To me, coming out felt more like dropping heavy armor I'd been wearing to protect me from the world.   Seriously though. Deep breath and talk to your therapist. She's there to help and she can't help you if you keep things from her. Open and honest communication about what's bothering you is always the best way for the two of you to interact.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      That sounds like fun! The first place my spouse and I went together was the beach... well, technically it was the garage, but that was a "two friends" thing and where I asked her out. I think he'd really enjoy it, especially since he dropped hints. Also, he constantly wants to hold your hand. In my experience, that's not what you get from a guy who isn't in to you.   The two of you sound so cute together! I hope everything works out just how you hope!   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Ugh. That should have been a huge red flag. Who DOES that? Those were private. We do not snoop through our partner's private things without permission. I'm so very sorry you had to endure that breach of trust @TammyAnne.     I love voice training! Resonance is more important than pitch though. Testosterone will help you with pitch, resonance is more about speaking low through your chest. Girls speak more from the upper middle parts of their throat and project through their mask (face). Guys talk out of the lower part of their throat and resonate in their chests. Well worth every second I put into it.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      I completely get this. I've got a pretty androgynous face too. I look like a cross between my paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather. Dimples. Megawatt smile. I have an entirely different area I'm not comfortable with, but I get it. That part is just "wrong" or "other." I would trade you in a heartbeat. 😅   I was "enjoying" a breakdown about it just yesterday. Although I don't think about it so much on the HRT. Mostly because everything goes "quiet" down there. It makes it much easier to ignore. I'm sorry you don't have that option without surgery.   Same thing growing up, (well, no skirts) until grade school in the 70's dropped the, "boys don't play with girls" hammer on me and I started trying to pretend so I would fit in. I'm a gamer though, so I still fight dragons.   Hugs!
    • Tristantulaine
      I totally get it! I have an hour glass figure and so many of my MtF friends joke they would snag my hips and or a cup size or two if I didnt want them.  I laughed about it while secretly wishing they really could because that would make us both so happy.  Top surgery while I have friends wearing padding feels unfair.  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      This is truly an awful thing for someone to do.  I’m so sorry you had to go threw that.  😢   I have wanted to do this all my life but something always holds me back from doing it. Perhaps my ingrained sense of need to hide everything about the person I was inside was so strong that I just couldn’t “confess” this even in written words.   Then there was the ever present fear of having someone read it, or worse, like what happened to TammyAnne.  I honestly do not know how much of a negative impact that would of had on me.   These days I’m out.  Not to the world but to most everyone I care about so these fears don’t control me any longer.   Why do I still resist?
    • Belle
      That is so awful @TammyAnne... I'm so sorry you have gone through such trauma. I hope one day you will be able to heal enough to stay a journal again.   Belle ❤😥
    • Belle
      Like DeeDee I blog about mine. It's not necessarily a journal but it's an outlet to express my journey in words.   https://medium.com/@qtcbelle   Belle ❤
    • Carolyn Marie
      "Meanwhile, my regular male life carried on.  I eventually met and married my wife.  Of course, the women's clothes had to go.  I was "fixed", and whatever was "wrong" with me was gone.  (or so I thought, hopefully.)  However, the urge to dress remained very strong, and gradually got stronger."   Yes, this sounds a lot like me; always hoping something would "cure" me.  If it wasn't falling in love and getting married, it was growing a mustache and doing something macho and dangerous.  But it never worked, and didn't for you, either.  We have all come to realize that being trans can't be cured, but there is a sure fire way of beating the dysphoria, and its name was transition!   Thanks for taking the time to tell us about yourself, KathyLauren.  I know that it can be a difficult thing to do.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      As someone who took insulin shots for 20 years, I have some familiarity with the problem.  The "good spot-bad spot" theory is pretty "spot" on 😜.  There are thousands of nerve endings in all your extremities, and hitting one by accident is fairly easy to do.  On top of that, hitting a capillary or blood vessel can also be painful.  I'm not entirely sure how to guarantee it won't happen (if that's even possible), but your best best is to talk with a nurse about it.  He or she should be able to give you some tips.  I would also suggest marking (with a marker pen or piece of tape) the spots that gave you pain so you can try and avoid them the next time.   Carolyn Marie
    • MetaLicious
      That's where my fantasy takes me.  I'd love to keep "my" body, but just with XX chromosomes, and an appropriate puberty.   When I find my jealous of some ot the women in media, I have to remind myself that 99% of ciswomen are jealous of those women for the same reason!
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...