Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hi I'm Belle


Belle

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone! A little over a month ago I came to terms that I am a trans woman. I'm a conservative evangelical Christian with a wife and children. I love them all very much and don't want to lose them. I also don't want to lose those in the church that I love and love me. So my world is crumbling and I have no support.

 

I came out to my wife a few weeks ago and her world is crumbling too. She doesn't believe there is a difference between gender and sex. She quickly outed me to several people in our church so that she "could have support." So now I'm also getting "support" from people who care about me but really have no clue what I'm going through and are doing the opposite of helping.

 

I'm hoping to find support here, especially from those who may have been in a similar situation. 

 

Love, 

Belle

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Belle.  Our journeys are hard enough even under the best of circumstances, and your situation could never be described as anywhere near the best of circumstances.  You have my sympathy and my empathy for what you have and will go through.  Whatever you need in terms of support we will do our best to provide.  Being trans is not a choice, so please don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise; and they will certainly try.  None of us asked for this, but it can turn out all right.  My situation did, and my wife is a strong Catholic, as is her community.  But our family has stayed together, so there is hope for you, too.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
40 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Belle.  Our journeys are hard enough even under the best of circumstances, and your situation could never be described as anywhere near the best of circumstances.  You have my sympathy and my empathy for what you have and will go through.  Whatever you need in terms of support we will do our best to provide.  Being trans is not a choice, so please don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise; and they will certainly try.  None of us asked for this, but it can turn out all right.  My situation did, and my wife is a strong Catholic, as is her community.  But our family has stayed together, so there is hope for you, too.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Thank you so much Carolyn! Every story like yours gives me a little more hope. I'm so desperate for hope right now. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Salutations Belle!

 

It's a pleasure to meet you! The truth is, some people won't understand. Some people will act with good intentions and make poor choices anyway. I like those people better. People who want to learn can be taught. Carolyn has it right though, being trans isn't a choice. I can't imagine anyone actually choosing it if it was. It's a little like dropping an atomic bomb into the middle of your life.

 

You might lose friends. You might lose family. You don't have to though. I have a single family member who no longer speaks to me. My wife (Baptist) and her family have all accepted me for who I am and have embraced the person that I've become. Thinking about it, the parent that accepted me was raised Baptist too. I wonder if there's a connection. Admittedly the person I've become is a much nicer person, but the transgender thing isn't an issue for them. I've been included in all the family events and I have yet to be misgendered by anyone but my wife (who tries really hard, but she knew me for almost three decades as a man so... she's trying though and that's all that really matters in the end).

 

So yeah, there are going to be hardships and bumps in the road, but there's hope and I wish you nothing but the best. We're a friendly, supportive community and we'll try our best to help you out with any difficulties you might have. We're here for you.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Hi Belle, pleased to meet you.  I would be happy to comment more in depth in the Christianity section on the conservative evangelical label, but suffice to say that I firmly believe that being a transwoman and being a Christian are NOT mutually exclusive and I hope that you and your spouse find the genuine support that you both need to start to understand your changing frame of reference. Read through the forums and blogs, ask questions for you or your spouse.

Accepting who you are can be really, really hard, but we are in advent, the season of hope. Take heart!

Link to comment

Hi and welcome, Belle.

There are texts out there that deal with gender transitioning and Christianity. As well as a YouTube channel speaking in terms of love and acceptance within the church.

But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the degree of support you'll find here.

And as mentioned above, there is a forum here for Christianity, so that you can discuss some of the issues you're facing in much greater depth with like minded folks.

In the interim, a big warm hug!

TA

Link to comment
1 hour ago, DeeDee said:

 I firmly believe that being a transwoman and being a Christian are NOT mutually exclusive

I'm beginning to see that. I have such high regard for God's word, so I'm very careful to not try to put something in there that's not intended. 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Hi Belle, interestingly enough I am even more active in my Christian denomination now that I am out than I was before to the point of being a known entity even at its national level of leadership.  Big reason is that I am more honest and genuine than I was ever before.  I agree with DeeDee that actual discussions of the faith go on in the Religion Forums much better, and there is a huge library of talk over there.  Marriages do survive once the non Trans partner realizes that the same real person is there, and gets off of the sexual focus.  If that is the only thing they can think about, the relation was in trouble anyway.  Your spouse does not become a lesbian by staying with you if that is her worry.  There are a growing number of churches that are beginning to be fully accepting of us and yes, even LGB people as well.  The church cannot "heal" you of being Trans, but if it accepts you, you can be wonderfully involved in it.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Belle, 

 

Welcome and all my best to you.  I've been married 44 years so it can work out. 

 

Jani

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Belle said:

I came out to my wife a few weeks ago and her world is crumbling too. She doesn't believe there is a difference between gender and sex.

 

Not everything is as binary as it may seem.  A primary example are people born with Intersex characteristics. (Wikipedia has a thorough, dispassionate explanation of the variants that are seen of this.)  It's not a "decision of God" whether an intersex person is labeled as M or F -- it's usually doctors who decide shortly after birth, often on purely visual inspection, sometimes with surgery involved.  Thankfully, that practice is slowly beginning to change, with the recommendation to let the individual decide (or change) their designated sex at a later, appropriate time. 

 

In my case, coming out wasn't initially easy for me or my spouse, as she is a Christian pastor (!), but we're progressive rather than evangelical, which provides a much different perspective.  We both found it valuable to work with a qualified gender therapist -- together -- and she provided a lot of third-party insight (explaining things that I took for granted, but were entirely new concepts for my spouse).

 

So, finding a gender therapist for you both could be a way to start moving forward, together.

 

Hugs and best wishes,

 

Astrid

Link to comment

You are all so helpful and understanding. I'm really glad I found this place.

 

Tonight I came home and my wife started out with "I don't want to talk about it with you any more until we're in counseling." Then she proceeded to tell me how wrong I am and how her mind isn't going to change. I just kept my mouth shut as she wished. 

 

It wouldn't have been helpful anyway to tell her how today for a while I was actually able to fully embrace that I am a woman and ignore all the doubts from others. When I did that the anguish and pain in my chest (anxiety) released. It's back now but it's a sign I'm headed in the right direction from a mental health standpoint.

 

Love you all, beauties!

Belle

Link to comment

If at all possible, make sure that you find a qualified, experienced gender therapist, not a marriage counselor. After all, this stemmed from your perception of your gender, not your perception of yiur .marriage. 

 

Courage!

 

Astrid

Link to comment

Welcome Belle. It sounds like you may have a tough road ahead. While I can’t relate with the religious aspect, many other parts you’ve shared so far has some similarities to mine and I’m sure many others stories. You’ve come to an amazing and supportive place. Share, ask questions and I’m sure you’ll find at least some of what you looking for here. As has been mentioned above, a gender therapist is a really good idea to start to help sort some things out in your mind. 
 

*hugs*

Link to comment

I have my first gender therapist appointment on Monday finally. Today I feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die. I don't know what I have the power to change and what I don't. Am I a victim or the perpetrator? Is it an illusion or reality? Will it go away or get worse? I want it so badly and I despise it just the same. I feel guilty but don't know if that's necessary. Will I look back six months, a year, ten years from now at the catastrophic remains of a life that was good and didn't need to change and ask why, and was it worth it? Am I only facing two options, that or death? Which would be better for those I love? 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
18 hours ago, Belle said:

Thank you Jackie :) Was it crushing for your wife in the beginning? 

 

I wouldn't say crushing. She was confused at first and had a lot of questions. The funniest was, "Have you been wearing my underwear?" At the end of the day it was, "I love you. The rest doesn't matter." Also, she'd be the first to agree that I'm much, much easier to live with now. It hasn't been quite two years since I came out to her, and our marriage is stronger than ever.

 

Don't be nervous. All my appointments with gender therapists were very positive experiences. Just be open and honest. Your therapist is there to help you.

 

It sounds like you're thinking of being trans like it's something you're doing. It's really not. It's something you are. If you had, say, green eyes would you be be inflicting that on someone? You deserve to be happy. You spent... I don't remember how old you are... OK, just scrolled up and checked your profile, you didn't say... Anyway, you spent your whole life up until now pretending to be something you're not. Most of us (probably all of us, but I don't want to assume) did the same. Personally, I was absolutely rubbish at pretending to be a guy, but that's what society expected of me and that's what I did. Until I couldn't anymore. It would have killed me to keep pretending. Not right away, but I was killing myself by inches through deliberate neglect. Really, I was about one really bad day away from taking my life.

Then I realized that what I was doing was really, really stupid. I contacted a therapist. I came out to my wife. I shed the extra weight. Now I go to the gym every day (had a lovely conversation with a 75-year old immigrant from Lebanon today while I was on the exercise bike) and watch what I eat. I'm likely in the best shape of my life. I'm happy, healthy and my only real regret is that I didn't do what I needed to do sooner.

 

I think the people who love us, love us. The people who only love who they think we are don't really know us. With trans-people, that's partially our fault. We weren't able to share who we were fully and often weren't being honest with ourselves either. Your wife probably feels betrayed. You're not who you said you were. Not completely. You need to work on that relationship and show her that you still love her. Your friends are likely confused and drowning in a sea of misinformation. They probably just need to be educated. I'm guessing you've been fed a lot of things about trans people yourself. Your gender therapist will help set you straight. Therapy helps and the community is here for you in whatever capacity we can be. Best of luck with your appointment, but you probably don't need it (the luck, not the appointment, you NEED the appointment). Your meeting with the therapist will be fine.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

All valid thoughts, we do these introspective inventories and it's an ongoing process. Remember that line from an old Elvis Presley song? "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." It's good advice, we need to take it slowly even incrementally. We can benefit most by making incremental changes to our outward appearance and physiology via hormonal changes and clothing so that those observing us can absorb it easier without going into shock. It gives us time to assess and make mental upgrades to our personal thoughts on how we are impacting those around us that we love and don't want to lose. Finessing it is the key.

Link to comment
49 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

We can benefit most by making incremental changes to our outward appearance and physiology via hormonal changes and clothing so that those observing us can absorb it easier without going into shock. It gives us time to assess and make mental upgrades to our personal thoughts on how we are impacting those around us that we love and don't want to lose. Finessing it is the key.

Wow, that's a really helpful thought. Others do need the opportunity to absorb who I truly am, and they can't do that the way I currently present myself. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Belle said:

I have my first gender therapist appointment on Monday finally. Today I feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die. I don't know what I have the power to change and what I don't. Am I a victim or the perpetrator? Is it an illusion or reality? Will it go away or get worse? I want it so badly and I despise it just the same. I feel guilty but don't know if that's necessary. Will I look back six months, a year, ten years from now at the catastrophic remains of a life that was good and didn't need to change and ask why, and was it worth it? Am I only facing two options, that or death? Which would be better for those I love? 

I went through all these same thoughts and anxieties during my coming out and My initial gender therapy appointment.   I was a hot mess and cried a lot.  Day and night.  It passed. 
I too am looking at this ruining my marriage but I hold out hope she will come to a better understanding in what I am going through, the choices I have to make and the things that are not a choice at all.  I’m afraid for my future but continue working everyday to just be me and hope and help as much as possible.  
Welcome to a wonderful place.  I love it here.  

Link to comment

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I wouldn't say crushing. She was confused at first and had a lot of questions. The funniest was, "Have you been wearing my underwear?" At the end of the day it was, "I love you. The rest doesn't matter." Also, she'd be the first to agree that I'm much, much easier to live with now.

I wish my wife could accept it so readily for her sake. 

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

It sounds like you're thinking of being trans like it's something you're doing. It's really not. It's something you are. If you had, say, green eyes would you be be inflicting that on someone?

Transitioning is "doing", and it's the major conflict with my wife. She actually says she knows I have strong feminine qualities and those are things she likes about me. But she says she sees me as fully masculine still. And she doesn't like the idea of me even thinking of myself as a woman.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I think the people who love us, love us. The people who only love who they think we are don't really know us. With trans-people, that's partially our fault. We weren't able to share who we were fully and often weren't being honest with ourselves either. Your wife probably feels betrayed. You're not who you said you were. Not completely. You need to work on that relationship and show her that you still love her.

I don't feel like it's my fault. I didn't understand what had been going on inside of me. I never fully processed it as a child because it was inconceivable to me that there was a separation between sex and gender, regardless of the fact that I always identified with my mother rather than my father. Through the teen years, peer abuse forced me to start being aware of my body movements and speech patterns. I was constantly worried I was being seen as feminine and the social consequences that would have. To this day I am acutely aware of how I am walking in public. I don't walk subconsciously.

 

Ultimately I just don't feel like I was ever lying, because I didn't know. Now through counseling, getting in touch with myself in an attempt to combat depression and anxiety, I have finally put the pieces together. And once my eyes were opened I haven't been able to think about anything else.

Link to comment

One analogy I can think of is how a dam bursting can be similar to the dynamics at play when coming out:

  • From the perspective of the dam (we who come out), there is a sudden and tremendous release of pressure.  All of a sudden we can breathe, we feel different, and all that built-up stress is, at least for the moment, washed away.  
  • From the perspective of those downriver (your loved ones to whom you come out), there is an sudden and unexpected wave of confusion, they now are uncertain of the future, and there is a build-up of stress, and sometimes, anger.

Which is why the advice to communicate with your loved ones clearly and openly, to take your time (this is a life journey, not a sprint), and to work through issues jointly (assuming your spouse is willing to do that) with the help of your gender therapist can really help ameliorate things from spiraling out of control.  I had to learn that lesson myself; much of the advice came from trans friends and from the good folks here.  Little tips on how to do/wear/think things in such a way that you're not perceived as being flamboyant, and that can help others adjust in their perceptions of you over time, and for them to observe that the (incrementally) New You is a much happier person to be around.

 

Good luck with your upcoming initial gender therapy visit.  Know that there are not there to listen to your story and then make a diagnosis that you're non-binary or trans or whatever.  They are there to assist you in working out for yourself who you perceive yourself to be.  It can change over time (not unusual at all) as you work through it all on your journey.

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

Link to comment
58 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I went through all these same thoughts and anxieties during my coming out and My initial gender therapy appointment.   I was a hot mess and cried a lot.  Day and night.  It passed. 
I too am looking at this ruining my marriage but I hold out hope she will come to a better understanding in what I am going through, the choices I have to make and the things that are not a choice at all.  I’m afraid for my future but continue working everyday to just be me and hope and help as much as possible.  
Welcome to a wonderful place.  I love it here.  

Shawn, I have read through a lot of your posts because they turn up in my keyword searches since you're currently in a similar situation. I'm rooting for you and your marriage! I don't know if I could survive losing my wife.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Belle and welcome to our affirming family community here.  The advise on this forum just keeps getting better with time.

 

2 hours ago, Belle said:

Am I a victim or the perpetrator? Is it an illusion or reality? Will it go away or get worse? I want it so badly and I despise it just the same. I feel guilty but don't know if that's necessary. Will I look back six months, a year, ten years from now at the catastrophic remains of a life that was good and didn't need to change and ask why, and was it worth it? Am I only facing two options, that or death? Which would be better for those I love? 

I can't tell you how many times I mulled over these same concerning questions.  Most of us here have at some time in our journey.  We all want to make sure we've thought of everything before taking the next big step.  Some of these questions we'll never be answered until we take that next step.  As others have said, take it slow and deal with the important stuff first...and you are.  The upcoming therapy appointment will hopefully help you answer some of these questions for you and your wife. If the therapist is good, it should at least help point you both in the right direction.

 

18 hours ago, VickySGV said:

...interestingly enough I am even more active in my Christian denomination now that I am out than I was before...

This has been the case for myself also.  My own introspection with my transgender issues helped me determine what I wanted for myself spiritually.  My beliefs didn't change but the way I looked at the church as a whole did.  I now realize that not every Christian denomination is going to accept or affirm me for who I am and that's ok.  I accept this and looked for the best 'fit' for my wife and I, and of course, one which was inclusive of LGBTQ+ individuals.  We did attend different churches temporarily but eventually decided that worshipping together was what we wanted.  Now we have found exactly that.  I tell you this to give you some hope that there are real Christians who will stand with you and love you for who you are.  It might take some time to find the right one but they are definitely out there.

 

Thank you for sharing a little bit of your life with us here.  It will be nice to read how your story unfolds.  Be patient and hopeful.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 90 Guests (See full list)

    • MaybeRob
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Maddee
    • Pip
    • Susie
    • Mmindy
    • marysssia
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Thea
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,010
    • Most Online
      8,356

    newlyhatched
    Newest Member
    newlyhatched
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alik222
      Alik222
      (24 years old)
    2. AvaWill
      AvaWill
      (37 years old)
    3. Drewies
      Drewies
      (50 years old)
    4. JackJerryJohnTheTreeWorker
      JackJerryJohnTheTreeWorker
      (28 years old)
    5. jgram22
      jgram22
      (37 years old)
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      You are doing fine @Michelle_S Only thing you did not know was to put an  "@" and then choose their names from a drop down list, like I did with yours there, and the Forum Choice was fine as well. 
    • Michelle_S
      I'm not sure I am typing this is in the correct place.  My intent is to send separate replies to each of the people who said something to me.   Kay: You were my first.  (Wait a minute, that could be misunderstood!)  (Giggles) Mmindy: Thank you for the warm welcome. April: Thank you for the welcome, I am looking forward to getting to know this site and the people in it better. Heather: I am not sure what impact I could have made?  (Other than my running into one wall or another while trying to learn this site .... giggles).  Heather your Profile pic shows you with a guitar, you probably don't live near me, but if we are ever in the same area I do love to get together with another musician!   Charlize: Thank you for the welcome.  Hope to learn more some time.   Ashley: Thanx for the encouragement!  I really need plenty of that!  Hmm, my hobbies you ask... I enjoy some computer gaming and I am a musician.  I suppose my fascination with with clothes could be a hobby shared by a few here? Ashley, I see you have 3.7k posts!  Wow!  Are you threatened by me?  (This is my second post ... so I'm gaining on you! ... giggles) I should probably save my silliness till after I learn if I am even writing all this in the correct place or not!   Michelle
    • April Marie
      I needed some "retail therapy" today and picked up this skort and a skirt. I'm really feeling the need to wear some color after this winter season.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      They put her in a room with soft walls, low lighting, even a soft floor, for observation.  The bed was fastened to the wall and the blankets and sheets on the bottom and far side could not be pulled out.  There was a built in pillow.  There was a stainless steel toilet with a tank on the other side of the wall and a stainless steel sink where you had to put your hand under to start it. Lukewarm water.  Soap dispenser with the tank on the other side of the wall. Small black half-globe in the middle of the ceiling.  Soft grey walls.  If this did not drive someone crazy, nothing would.  No clock.  Just the ventilation constantly humming and no outside noises, no window, no clue as to the time of day.  She had a hospital gown on and paper underwear furnished by the hospital, lest, she supposed, she find a way to kill herself with her regular underwear.  That would be a sad way to go. "Please put my gi in cold water. I don't want the blood to set," she said to the camera, but there was no response. Act normal, she told herself. You want out of here.  This was the low-stimulation therapy chamber, supposed to calm people down. She had read about it. Nothing to read, nothing to look at.  Finally she looked at the bands on her wrist.  The bright orange one said UNIT 304.  She closed her eyes and thought about the map of the hospital in the ER room.  It had all three floors.  ER on one, operating rooms and stuff on two, maternity and an unnamed area on 3.  It might as well say PSYCH WARD she figured. Or LOONEY BIN.  If she was here much longer she would go nuts. She looked at the other band, a white band with black lettering. Arial font.  Nicely spaced borders around everything.  Text above and the UPC code or whatever below.  She thought maybe she had time to crack the code and be able to figure out what it read. She read the text.  JONES TAYLOR A.  Correct. DOB.  No periods, just the letters.  04-03-2000. That was correct. Nice they kept the zeros so these things would be consistent. F.  She stared at that.  F.   The next line was MICHAELS A.  That was her doctor.  The F could only be gender.  He was some kind of a specialist in the field of sex and he had called her F.  Her drivers' license and medical insurance and Social Security card and birth certificate, even her Voter ID, had M.  She went over and over it.  There was no M anyway that would indicate gender. Only F. She had plenty to think about.  Lunch was a tasteless hamburger served by an expressionless somebody who obviously had orders not to talk.  She also got grapes, somehow rendered tasteless and chips and a plastic glass of lemonade.  When she was done the somebody took them and exited a door that she had not noticed.  She searched the wall but could not find any hint of where the door was.  Well, in the future she would be able to understand what it means to be in a psych ward.   Dinner was similar.  There was a breakfast, too, and sometime later the door opened and a nurse smiled and called her out to the hall.  There was Dr. Michaels. "I see no reason to keep you, so I am sending you home.  My notes have been sent to your therapist and she will be talking to you soon. If not, call her." "Thank you.  Oh, my gi." She was given scrubs to wear home and a bucket of cold water that they had been soaking her gi in. "You need to wait for discharge, miss."  Miss.  Here's proof. The other documents would be easy to change. She waited in a waiting room.  They gave her lunch at noon, and at 2:00 the discharge papers finally arrived. "I will need some way to get home." "He's downstairs in the lobby.  You can meet him there." "Great." ----------------------------------------------------- "What are we going to do about Marketing?"  this was the Chairman of the Board.  He had been asking this for years. This Saturday afternoon the Board had dropped their golf game in light of the sudden drop in sales.  This was not quite an emergency, but close. There was debate.  They finally agreed that since Gibson had been given something that they now considered a raw deal, and turned it into a cash cow for the company anyway, he deserved promotion.  They needed to ramp up Marketing  and Sales because the traditional products were market laggers now and there was pressure to open up the forty acres of industrial facilities they had closed when the jobs went to China.  They needed to find a way to create jobs. Gibson would be moved from Marketing to be the new Vice President of Marketing and Sales. A key job would be identifying new markets they could enter and expanding product appeal. "So who gets his job?" Discussion. Obviously it needed a college graduate.  There was only one in Marketing, this Taylor person.  Should they promote a transgender?  HR spoke up and said that since she was the only one in Marketing with a degree, it would be almost a fatal flaw not to promote her if they could.  Policy was to always promote from within if possible. She was beginning to work on her Master's. Point in her favor.  She brought fresh, young blood to the company. Another point.  Everyone liked her. Quick learner. Sharp. Emotionally stable.  Positive. They had confidence in her, even if she was new to the company, that she could handle the job.  When could HR have the paperwork ready?  Good. This would be announced first thing Monday morning. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob found himself at a loss as to what to do with himself.  He made himself coffee with the new coffee maker and the new coffee, made a PBJ with the new bread, the new PB and the new jelly, and ate an apple, all at the new table.  It was almost like she was there.  He even did the dishes and put the clean ones in the dish rack and made his bed.   He threw himself into work that could have waited for Monday.  He worked on a financial projection and his personal budget and then went over to the hospital. No, he would not be allowed to see her.  She was fine. Don't worry.   He went for a walk this nice spring day.  He just happened to walk around the hospital, hoping she would be standing at a window somewhere. Nope.  He ate a TV dinner she had bought him and tinkered with his motorcycle and went to bed.   The next day he ate a breakfast that happened to be there from the stuff Taylor had bought, which made him miss her even more.  He went to the church they had visited Wednesday night, partly because he was curious, but mainly to sit next to the chair she had sat in Wednesday night, as if that would make her appear.   Worship was similar to Wednesday night and Brother Mike spoke.  Before he began he saw Bob and in surprise said, "Sir, I wanted to catch you Wednesday night but I didn't. Can  I ask you please to stay afterwards and come up here and talk to me?" That was fine with Bob.  They also had information no one in town had.   The sermon, altar call and closing song over, Bob made his way to the front. Brother Mike came over to him.  "Sir,I want to ask your forgiveness for want it must have seemed like to you Wednesday night.  And on behalf of my wife, for Tuesday. She had Taylor confused with someone else.  Will you forgive us?" Quite the start.  "Sure." "In 2015 I was the youth pastor at Hutton Church." [Hutton is a little village outside of Roosevelt, consisting of a church, half a dozen houses, a gas station and a Dollar General Store. The kids go to Roosevelt schools.] "Small world." "I remember there was a terrible assault on one of the youth at the high school, and there was a prayer campaign for that boy. He made a full recovery.  I recall a number of  news articles even though the family requested privacy.  I remember a Bob being mentioned as a close friend of the assaulted.  You strongly resemble him, and I am puzzled by your companion. She looks like the boy a lot.  That is why I kept looking in your direction.  Not in accusation." "She was him." "Really." "This is the same Taylor people are talking about - who changed from male to female?" "I think she was never a male, actually." "Really.  Well, I didn't build this church by accusing anyone or making anyone feel bad, and I think both those things happened with you and - Taylor.  I want you to know you are welcome here.  If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.  Did you know that over half this church came forward Wednesday night with sexual issues of one sort or another?  You are not alone. Excuse me, that is presumptuous, that you have such issues. I have no right to pry.  But thank you for coming back."   Not bad, Bob thought. Not bad at all.    A quick fast food lunch and he was at the hospital.  Was she being discharged? He was her ride, so they were willing to tell him. He could wait. And he did.        
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Was excited today,my new toolbox has been shipped out,Snap On dealer told me this.It took this long since it was ordered to get it.My other co workers and I were right about the new employee that started yesterday,He was fired this afternoon.Was on his phone again and boss caught him do it.Plus he did call me an offensive word,the C word my boss hates.I did report that to my boss.My boss believes in treating women right
    • Sally Stone
      ss,   I can't say that my image in the mirror has helped me understand why I am bi-gender.  I'm pretty certain the reason I identify as bi-gender  has to do with how I feel inside.  About mirrors though, I do clearly see my inner woman when I look at myself in the mirror.  
    • MaeBe
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...