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Belle

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Belle

I'm trying to be the right person. My nightmare is coming true. I going to lose everything regardless. She won't listen. She's shutting me out. She's painting me as a bad person to our children. The three word salutation that leaves her mouth is academic. She will mean them again if I reform and conform. Only the part of me that fits into her box really matters. The rest is an unwelcome illusion. Can I cut that part out? What will happen if I don't? Will it disappear on its own?

 

I can accept myself and lose my life, or I can deny myself and lose it just the same. Which is better for my family?

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

A question only you can answer, but I think Jackie C's thoughts and advice on this is well worth thinking about before you go off the rails over the what if factors.

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Jackie C.
1 hour ago, Belle said:

She won't listen. She's shutting me out. She's painting me as a bad person to our children. The three word salutation that leaves her mouth is academic. She will mean them again if I reform and conform. Only the part of me that fits into her box really matters. The rest is an unwelcome illusion.

 

OK, then. In my little world, these are not things that people who love each other do. However, this is still pretty fresh in her mind. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she is striking out in anger and/or fear. She might even be looking at herself and thinking, "What kind of person am I to have married @Belle?" If she's as into her church group as I think she is, I can't even imagine the peer pressure she's either struggling under or thinks that she's going to be struggling under. I don't know these people. They might be great, they might also be the kind of person who does not tolerate what they perceive to be "unbelievers" in their midst. She could be afraid that they'll kick her out of the group. I can't say how attached she is to the group and how the group thinks. I don't know her. I've only got like ONE other Texan friend and she didn't live there all that long (she also said that all of Houston smells like gym socks). No, wait. Two. Dan's from Texas, but his family hasn't actually lived there in ages. Also, he's about as devout as my hermit crabs.

 

So, first order of business is to relax. You're trying to disappear down a dark, dank hole in your mind before you have all the information. No good decisions ever came to anybody while they were panicking. Keep yourself occupied this week. Do not dwell on your family situation. You don't have any control over that right now and it never helps to fret over things you don't have control over. Give your wife her space. You can work on projects around the house, paint your nails, work on the Christmas shopping, whatever. Keep yourself busy. Don't worry about your family situation yet.

 

Ok, good. Second order of business is to wait. Your wife needs to cool down. Then you need to talk to each other like adults. No shouting. No arguing. Just a nice, calm discussion. If you think you need to have the discussion with a mediator present, make that happen. You know your wife better than I do. Then discuss what she needs to keep the marriage alive and what you need to keep the marriage alive. Again, no arguing. No raised voices. Shouting at each other never helped anybody. Just talk. Pay attention to what she has to say. Hopefully, she'll do the same. Once you've talked everything out, then you can decide what you need to do. No making decisions in the heat of an argument. That's a bad plan and leads to bad decision making.

 

I know it's hard. This is going to be emotional for both of you. It can still work. I attended my brother in law's funeral as myself (and I looked lovely thank you very much) and I didn't burst into flames. Nobody batted an eye. I was as welcome as all the other mourners. There's no reason you can't be accepted by the church. Again, I don't know the specifics, so maybe not the one your wife attends, but services in general. That was a tangent, I apologize for that. The point is you can work through this, but you both have to want to. If only one of you is making concessions, well, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She should want you to be happy. If she doesn't... well, then you might want to reconsider your life together. I've seen marriages where the couple makes each other miserable (I grew up on one). That doesn't help anybody.

 

Still pulling for you.

 

Hugs!

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Belle

Thank you Jackie. I've been holed up in my bed since she said that. I think I may keep myself busy this week by going out as myself in public for the first time in my life.

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Jackie C.

Oh, that's exhilarating, scary and wonderful all at once. My first trip out as myself was to the gas station. Not glamorous, I know. After that was the grocery store. That was about when I realized I needed to work on my voice a bit harder. It's lovely now, but I got some weird looks at first.

 

Have fun with it! Again, don't dwell. Nothing good comes of dwelling.

 

Hugs!

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TammyAnne

Many years ago I was faced with staying in a marriage that was slowly killing me - for the children's sake - or leaving and trying to build a safe space for my children away from their mother.

It was very difficult but I chose to leave rather than suffer "for the children" knowing that staying only demonstrated for them what an unhealthy relationship looked like.

For nearly a decade it seemed like a disaster, my children taking their anger out on me for hurting their mommy. Then they grew up, made adult decisions, began to appreciate the safe space away from their controlling, clinging, smothering mother.

I have a very good relationship with one child. A not very good relationship with the other, who was damaged emotionally by "mommy".

None of those outcomes were predictable from the initial decision I made, nor were they indicated by the first decade after my decision.

Presuming you decide to do what is best for you - whatever that might be - stay focused on making a good life and creating a good environment for your children. Even if it seems futile, there will come a time...

TA

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

Such wonderful advice from you both, my heart goes out to Belle but I think you both have so much more to offer her in terms of much more recent experience. My kids are in their late 40's and early 50's, so there's been a lot of water under the bridge since I began transition and they were in their 20's then so it was just kind of who cares on their part.

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Belle

My world blew up tonight. People don't understand. All they can see is "sin." My wife told me I had to leave because I wouldn't let her have my phone so she could snoop through it. I packed up what I could and took it to the car. I went back in to tell the kids I would be leaving. My wife blew up and told them it's because their daddy likes to wear women's clothing and wants to grow breasts and be a woman.

 

I have never in my life been shamed so cruelly. Church leaders are suddenly giving me ultimatums via text. They are telling me how wrong I am to be seeking counsel from a gender therapist. In order to stay in my house so my kids don't get more traumatized I had to throw away all my clothes and makeup.

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ShawnaLeigh

I am so sorry this is happening.  I truly am.  I wish I could tell you all the right things but I don’t have any answers for you.  I have been through three divorces and an enviable fourth due to only wanting to be me.  
NONE OF THEM WERE EASY.  All involved kids.  I’ve lost my entire life home etc all three times.  So Zi certainly know the fears you are having. The heart break.  
Ylu have it harder because there are the church folks hanging up on you on her behalf.  It seems like there is nothing you can say to combat the gNg mentality.  
You have a lot of thinking and planning to do. Ask yourself.   At this point would “dropping everything” really help?  It seems like now that the info is out there the damage is done and she won’t listen to anyone but them.  
I pray this is not the case.  
Even if she will have you back if you stop everything today will it help you?  Will it save your marriage or just delay it further? Will it just go back to what it was?  Will you be happy?  
My heartbreaks for you Bella.  Please stay safe. 

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Belle

Thank you Shawna. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up and realize it wasn't a dream.

 

Of the ways I have been hurt in my life this eclipses them all. I didn't want to proceed with transition because I didn't want to nuke my life. But it's been nuked for me before I even had a chance to figure things out. It's so hard to grasp that my life will never be the same.

 

I'm frightened by the depression that I know will hit in the morning.

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ShawnaLeigh

I completely understand.  I still have those nights when I wake and find I’m not in my bed next to all our dogs and my wife.  We moved me into a spare room.  I’m still in my home but I cry a lot even still knowing the end is coming. The closer I become me the further away my marriage is getting. Everyday it’s closer to being gone.  So I know the whole just being nuked feeling well as I am still riding the shockwave.  It hurts.  Heart is broken.  Mind is in a whirl wind.  Life doesn’t seem worth it.  Transition does se worth it.  Guilt.  Sadness.   But it passes.  Trust me.  It will get better or you will get stronger.  Most likely both. 
My wife is becoming my friend.  I can be thankful for that. Although a marriage is slowly fading away I am not homeless and we still share some plans.  
You will find your way.  Your balance.  Right now it’s just so raw.  Unfair.  Sadness.  Try to be you and try to talk with her after she has had time.  
It grieves me that so many “church” folks are assisting the ruin of your marriage.  I’m sure they “think” they are helping but they are not.  It’s none of their business.  But your wife opened that door and let them in.  I sincerely hope it works out for you.  And her.  And your children.  I’m sure they are confused and being told lies to build walks away from you.  I am sorry hon.  

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TammyAnne

And on a Sunday morning. The "church" folks should be reminded of the parable that goes "he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

Judging others is a terrible thing.

All I can  offer this morning is a big hug.

TA

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Charlize

I thought the world would end when i made my need to live as myself be known to my wife.  There were days of tears and a feeling in my chest and stomach that is hard to explain.  It hurt!  I had lived through detox after a long time addiction years before and i remembered the slogan: "one day at a time".  It helped as did another slogan: "to thy own self be true".

It gets better dear.  Hang in there, get help as you can.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Belle
1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I completely understand.  I still have those nights when I wake and find I’m not in my bed next to all our dogs and my wife.  We moved me into a spare room.  I’m still in my home but I cry a lot even still knowing the end is coming. The closer I become me the further away my marriage is getting. Everyday it’s closer to being gone.  So I know the whole just being nuked feeling well as I am still riding the shockwave.  It hurts.  Heart is broken.  Mind is in a whirl wind.  Life doesn’t seem worth it.

Oh Shawna, I didn't realize things had already gone this far with you and your wife. That's so awful... my heart goes out to you in compassion and solidarity.

 

Quote

 

 Transition does se worth it.  Guilt.  Sadness.   But it passes.  Trust me.  It will get better or you will get stronger.  Most likely both. 
My wife is becoming my friend.  I can be thankful for that. Although a marriage is slowly fading away I am not homeless and we still share some plans.  
You will find your way.  Your balance.  Right now it’s just so raw.  Unfair.  Sadness.  Try to be you and try to talk with her after she has had time.

She has left a gaping hole in my heart. I had no idea she could be so cruel. And either she sincerely thinks she's doing what's right or she's making strategic moves for the end. I have trusted her with my heart, mind, and body for so long. She broke that trust in an irreparable way. I can no longer have any sort of emotional, intellectual, or physical intimacy with her. I don't want to be her friend. But I am truly glad you still have a relationship with your wife. I wish mine hadn't done that. 

 

Quote

It grieves me that so many “church” folks are assisting the ruin of your marriage.  I’m sure they “think” they are helping but they are not.  It’s none of their business.  But your wife opened that door and let them in.

These are people I love and I know love me. They think they know what's best, and I can't fault them for that. The thing that's so heartwrenching about it is that I am so misunderstood. Such public exposure and shame has been my nightmare for as long as I can remember. When I imagine Jesus on the cross, the thing that pierces my heart the most is thinking about how almost everyone who was watching him die a horrible, torturous death assumed he was one of the worst and most immoral people who had ever walked the earth. But he was innocent and woefully misunderstood by everyone, even those that were closest to him. It's one way I can relate to him personally.

 

Quote

 I sincerely hope it works out for you.  And her.  And your children.  I’m sure they are confused and being told lies to build walks away from you.  I am sorry hon.  

Yes, I feel they are. But as they get older they will understand the dynamics better, especially since gender incongruence is becoming common knowledge.

 

I am so thankful to have come here when I did. I can't imagine what it would be like to be completely alone right now. And I'm thankful for all of you who have so readily offered love and support.

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Belle
1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

And on a Sunday morning. The "church" folks should be reminded of the parable that goes "he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

Judging others is a terrible thing.

All I can  offer this morning is a big hug.

TA

That scene in scripture has been in my mind a lot lately. And these particular people know better. Thank you Tammy. 

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ShawnaLeigh
41 minutes ago, Belle said:

Oh Shawna, I didn't realize things had already gone this far with you and your wife. That's so awful... my heart goes out to you in compassion and solidarity.

 

She has left a gaping hole in my heart. I had no idea she could be so cruel. And either she sincerely thinks she's doing what's right or she's making strategic moves for the end. I have trusted her with my heart, mind, and body for so long. She broke that trust in an irreparable way. I can no longer have any sort of emotional, intellectual, or physical intimacy with her. I don't want to be her friend. But I am truly glad you still have a relationship with your wife. I wish mine hadn't done that. 

 

These are people I love and I know love me. They think they know what's best, and I can't fault them for that. The thing that's so heartwrenching about it is that I am so misunderstood. Such public exposure and shame has been my nightmare for as long as I can remember. When I imagine Jesus on the cross, the thing that pierces my heart the most is thinking about how almost everyone who was watching him die a horrible, torturous death assumed he was one of the worst and most immoral people who had ever walked the earth. But he was innocent and woefully misunderstood by everyone, even those that were closest to him. It's one way I can relate to him personally.

 

Yes, I feel they are. But as they get older they will understand the dynamics better, especially since gender incongruence is becoming common knowledge.

 

I am so thankful to have come here when I did. I can't imagine what it would be like to be completely alone right now. And I'm thankful for all of you who have so readily offered love and support.

You will always have hurt over this. What you can do with it depends on you. Use it to build yourself to be stronger. Get angry if need be to help you out things into perspective. This is not your fault.  You are who you are.  
You always will have us too.  Please know that.  I realize we are internet “friends” but just getting things and feelings out has helped me.  Knowing other DO understand helped me.  It doesn’t cure anything.  Only you can do that.  But we are hear to listen and encourage and just be there.  
Lots of Love

 

Shawna. 

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Belle
49 minutes ago, Charlize said:

I thought the world would end when i made my need to live as myself be known to my wife.  There were days of tears and a feeling in my chest and stomach that is hard to explain.  It hurt!  I had lived through detox after a long time addiction years before and i remembered the slogan: "one day at a time".  It helped as did another slogan: "to thy own self be true".

It gets better dear.  Hang in there, get help as you can.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Ugh, I know that feeling in my chest. I've had it for so long. There was a moment last week when it went away briefly. It was when I accepted that I am truly a woman. It came back when I started talking to my wife.

 

You know, I have been suicidal in the past when I thought my marriage was over. This time, when I know for sure it's over, I'm not feeling that way near as much. I think it's because I realize that I now have freedom I didn't have before to begin understanding who I truly am. 

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Jackie C.

I'm sorry Belle. I just lost all respect I might have had for your wife's church. It's apparently the kind of place where you fall in line and think what you're told or they cast you out of the community. I've seen too many of those. It's easier for people to go to church and tell each other they're good people than it is to actually be good people. You're hurting, you're asking for a helping hand and all they're giving you is a finger.

It's completely OK to feel betrayed by these people. Because they betrayed you. Because they're still in the process of trying to tear you down. Don't let them. You know who you are.

Remember, god made you this way. They're rejecting god's work, not you. There is no sin in being yourself so long as you bring no harm to another. (Small g because I'm not a believer. I was, however raised Baptist/Lutheran and both of my grandmothers liked to discuss bible passages. Neither of us convinced the other, but we had a good time discussing parables.) 

 

It makes me sad that you have people like that in your life. You're right about the kids though, presuming they aren't indoctrinated into hate, they'll come around once they're old enough to start asking questions. Society at large is more accepting than it was. There are just some pockets of resistance. Unfortunately your wife's church is one of them.

 

Stay strong. May you have a blessed day. Remember that life has ups and downs. It's bad today, but tomorrow is still waiting for you.

 

Hugs!

 

 

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VickySGV

I am going to be practical for a moment here, and suggest that you get in contact with a lawyer who  knows the issues that Trans people face and get them working to  help you with this since it sounds like your spouse is getting all kinds of information about you that will make things worse, actually for both of you.

 

Even being in a Christian denomination myself, I have learned that the word "sin" when used as a weapon shows their fear and ignorance that is totally void of any understanding and is a trained in reaction to anything strange.  I have gotten to the point where I no longer care if the term is used, it no longer frightens me.  I have told more than one person that for them it probably is a sin to do what I do but it would be theirs and not mine.  I will be happy to let them go to hell as long as they leave me alone.

 

I am sad to say that your state has a very large number of seeming "religious" groups that are bully pits of conformity to their way alone.  Texas does have a growing number or areas though with strong Trans support networks that you can seek out for support.  I am sure your therapist can point you to one. 

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Belle

I hate the idea of getting a lawyer. I have thought about it though. I emailed my therapist and told her what is going on. She said she would help me get involved in the community. I am thankful for that. There is a vibrant community where I live, I just haven't been able to get into it. 

 

I have been in bed all day. I'm failing at life.

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ShawnaLeigh

You are not failing at life.  Or marriage. Or being a parent.  Your wife and church are failing you. 
im sorry.  I know they all have a lot of meaning to you but from an outside perspective that’s what I am seeing.  None of this is your fault.  None!  You are who you are and have a right to be just like anyone else!  
They are the ones with the issues not you. 
unfortunately you are the one who must pay the penalties.  It’s not right but that is how it is.  
It sucks and I’m sorry for it all.  It breaks my heart.  😢 

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Belle

It is so hard to not feel like it is all my fault. 

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

You are not failing at life.  Or marriage. Or being a parent.  Your wife and church are failing you. 
im sorry.  I know they all have a lot of meaning to you but from an outside perspective that’s what I am seeing.  None of this is your fault.  None!  You are who you are and have a right to be just like anyone else!  
They are the ones with the issues not you. 
unfortunately you are the one who must pay the penalties.  It’s not right but that is how it is.  
It sucks and I’m sorry for it all.  It breaks my heart.  😢 

It is so hard to not feel like it is my fault... like I should not try to explore, or like I should have told her before we were married. But I had suppressed it so deeply that I did not know what I was. Once I finally figured it out after so much counseling for depression and sex addiction everything changed. Everything was so abundantly clear. I keep remembering more from my childhood, like how I always identified with my mom and felt much more comfortable mimicking her speech and behavior. And so many things I believe others noticed but I had no clue about. I have to keep reminding myself about these things.

 

Shawna I cherish your words and experience. You are so uplifting to me!

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ShawnaLeigh
1 hour ago, Belle said:

I should have told her before we were married. But I had suppressed it so deeply that I did not know what I was

This is exactly the point.  You didn’t know fully what you were.  How were you even able to explain it all to her?
This is how my therapist explained it to me.  Yes we knew “something” but it was not entirely “this” when we married.  So it’s not your fault that you figured more out about yourself after the fact.  
I sadly can not claim this though.  Being honest with myself I knew A long time before.  I was just determined to “not go there” and do I hid. I’m guilty of that.  In this I am truly sorry to my wife.  But I have not said I’m sorry for simply wanting to be me. Once Zi knew Zi couldn’t live anymore hiding. I will not apologize for being the way I am.  I don’t hold my wife at fault for not being a lesbian and therefore staying married to me.  She is not and will not cross that line.  She is who she is and feels and wants what she feels and wants.  As she said the same to me about me.  Unfortunately her understanding does not equal her acceptance.  
Bella, honey, it’s not your fault.  I swear to you it’s not.  

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

The church, I'm referring to the universal body of believers in Christ who accept the bible as the inspired word of God, tends to see things based on scripture as black and white. In a sense it can be very problematic as it occasionally creates a polemic relationship between them and those outside the church, a rather unbecoming, we the saved, and they the unsaved situation, and even more unfortunately they tend to project it. This of course is not at all what Christ is like and certainly doesn't reflect his will. Sadly those that inadvertantly indulge in that kind of behavior unwittingly create a negative view of the church and of Christ. People whose lives are totally ensconced in what I call churchianity become rather ingrown as a group and miss the point of being gatherers and become scaterers. I love my fellow Christians, but for this reason alone I no longer attend the corporate church services. Not all churches are so rigid, but then many of the more accepting churches no longer preach the Gospel of Christ so they are worthless as well. Sin is a word that means to fall short of absolute perfection, we're all sinners, Christ paid the price for it in our behalf. Bottom line is that's all you need to know and thankfully accept as sufficient for your own lives.

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Belle
42 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

Sin is a word that means to fall short of absolute perfection, we're all sinners, Christ paid the price for it in our behalf. Bottom line is that's all you need to know and thankfully accept as sufficient for your own lives.

That is so true NB! I'm even guilty of expecting perfection from others. But as I've become more aware of how I fall short I've grown in my ability to offer grace. Life is so messy, and the more we try to fit it in a box the bigger the mess explodes.

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      I couldent agree more  nor been able to express it  better  even as i tried  WELL spoken indeed   
    • Jani
      Doubts are common, but if you're on the right track they subside.   This is the critical point to understand.  Transition does not solve all the worlds problems.     While there are some that bemoan "gatekeepers", taking a good long time to grasp all the ups and downs of transition and coming to peace with your inner self can never be overstated.  Its always nicer when looking over the fence.  But no doubt this is hard work, emotionally and physically.    Jani
    • Sarahnr1
      Forgot to add  and  over here as well  with those on HRT  that had to stop because there mental problems.   
    • Sarahnr1
      Actually despite what is said in this otherwise brilliant article over here  (and also Finland for what ever reason actually ) FTM are sadly in MANY cases regretful of there  transiton (usely done  WAY to young and all done  with the  sergery etc...  )   and its  a HUGE problem this days  that to young  (ie  under  18 )  TS   being  given both HRT  and all the rest (incl sergery .)   and sadly over here  theres  no way back  as far i understand this  with FTM.       Its also important  to way in that  transiton is NOT the  magical gift that will magically  make youre life   a  living dream despite how many that claimes this. Its also  vital that if you go this route  you HAVE  to be  101  %   clear  on EVERY aspect of this desition  and the  possible price we may have to pay (or not  )and of course also what we  have to winn as well .   +  its also WELL known   that HRT   often  mess  with youre mental  mind  (hence im  refused to get my HRT  and   SRS due to my diagnosis i would  literly  go under  without   proper  support  24 /7 for the  first  year  or so   )  i have had  friends  (TS  )   that had to stop HRT on the count they were going  cracy   ( and i mean banarnas ) not to mention depression is  all to common  as well . Add to that if youre expectetaions  of this are not  in line to what  actually is duable.  other  words  its VITAL to have youre   actuall facts  on what  this step does  mean   and how far youre able to get .   All this said  let me be clear  im NOT against  any  transiton in any age (although SRS  or  the  other way for  FTM  )  to young   can and have been in many cases  gone the wrong  way .SO   its VITAL to get  proper  help   as  young  most defenetly  BUT   sadly im forced to say   that its  better to hold  on sergery  until 18 +   same with HRT   (blockers  fine  )    its  MANY  young TS  around  USA   that have to stop HRT as there mind  is  going   (ie depression etc...  ) same with  others that started  HRT   +  also many medical  risk factors  that force them to stop  of course     Same with  de transitioning  in general for some the  price to pay for this gets to high (incl they feel they cant  as it would indeed offend there god  & religion )  and so they feel forced to get back to there assigned birth. And  sadly they end up in many cases  brokend  down un happy and  in most cases miserable lifes  and also some commit  suicide.  This is the SAD  facts  of  being  TS                                     
    • SaraAW
      Hi Lily and welcome!
    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, Lily!  I can appreciate the anxiety you feel even coming here and admitting how you feel.  It was a difficult moment for me, as well.  You made a good decision.  I would urge you to find the confidence to explain to your therapist about your dysphoria.  It's the only way he or she can help you deal with it.  They are there to help you, not judge you.   Please look around the forums and post questions and comments wherever you wish.  We'll be here to help.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Jackie C.
      Well, here's one...   Dispelling the Myths About Trans People 'Detransitioning.'   We're hard to study, because there aren't a lot of us and, by nature, we do not advertise our trans-ness. The biggest study ever conducted to date was less than 200 individuals. Even so, I'd take a movie penned by a minister with a grain of salt. I've heard way more stories about people who have chosen to live in misery to avoid offending their god in some way.   Hugs!
    • lauraincolumbia
      Welcome Kathy!  I must commend you on the bravery to come out to your wife!
    • Aidan5
      Why thank you Enjoy your day as well!
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