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Belle

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Belle

I'm trying to be the right person. My nightmare is coming true. I going to lose everything regardless. She won't listen. She's shutting me out. She's painting me as a bad person to our children. The three word salutation that leaves her mouth is academic. She will mean them again if I reform and conform. Only the part of me that fits into her box really matters. The rest is an unwelcome illusion. Can I cut that part out? What will happen if I don't? Will it disappear on its own?

 

I can accept myself and lose my life, or I can deny myself and lose it just the same. Which is better for my family?

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

A question only you can answer, but I think Jackie C's thoughts and advice on this is well worth thinking about before you go off the rails over the what if factors.

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Jackie C.
1 hour ago, Belle said:

She won't listen. She's shutting me out. She's painting me as a bad person to our children. The three word salutation that leaves her mouth is academic. She will mean them again if I reform and conform. Only the part of me that fits into her box really matters. The rest is an unwelcome illusion.

 

OK, then. In my little world, these are not things that people who love each other do. However, this is still pretty fresh in her mind. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she is striking out in anger and/or fear. She might even be looking at herself and thinking, "What kind of person am I to have married @Belle?" If she's as into her church group as I think she is, I can't even imagine the peer pressure she's either struggling under or thinks that she's going to be struggling under. I don't know these people. They might be great, they might also be the kind of person who does not tolerate what they perceive to be "unbelievers" in their midst. She could be afraid that they'll kick her out of the group. I can't say how attached she is to the group and how the group thinks. I don't know her. I've only got like ONE other Texan friend and she didn't live there all that long (she also said that all of Houston smells like gym socks). No, wait. Two. Dan's from Texas, but his family hasn't actually lived there in ages. Also, he's about as devout as my hermit crabs.

 

So, first order of business is to relax. You're trying to disappear down a dark, dank hole in your mind before you have all the information. No good decisions ever came to anybody while they were panicking. Keep yourself occupied this week. Do not dwell on your family situation. You don't have any control over that right now and it never helps to fret over things you don't have control over. Give your wife her space. You can work on projects around the house, paint your nails, work on the Christmas shopping, whatever. Keep yourself busy. Don't worry about your family situation yet.

 

Ok, good. Second order of business is to wait. Your wife needs to cool down. Then you need to talk to each other like adults. No shouting. No arguing. Just a nice, calm discussion. If you think you need to have the discussion with a mediator present, make that happen. You know your wife better than I do. Then discuss what she needs to keep the marriage alive and what you need to keep the marriage alive. Again, no arguing. No raised voices. Shouting at each other never helped anybody. Just talk. Pay attention to what she has to say. Hopefully, she'll do the same. Once you've talked everything out, then you can decide what you need to do. No making decisions in the heat of an argument. That's a bad plan and leads to bad decision making.

 

I know it's hard. This is going to be emotional for both of you. It can still work. I attended my brother in law's funeral as myself (and I looked lovely thank you very much) and I didn't burst into flames. Nobody batted an eye. I was as welcome as all the other mourners. There's no reason you can't be accepted by the church. Again, I don't know the specifics, so maybe not the one your wife attends, but services in general. That was a tangent, I apologize for that. The point is you can work through this, but you both have to want to. If only one of you is making concessions, well, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She should want you to be happy. If she doesn't... well, then you might want to reconsider your life together. I've seen marriages where the couple makes each other miserable (I grew up on one). That doesn't help anybody.

 

Still pulling for you.

 

Hugs!

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Belle

Thank you Jackie. I've been holed up in my bed since she said that. I think I may keep myself busy this week by going out as myself in public for the first time in my life.

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Jackie C.

Oh, that's exhilarating, scary and wonderful all at once. My first trip out as myself was to the gas station. Not glamorous, I know. After that was the grocery store. That was about when I realized I needed to work on my voice a bit harder. It's lovely now, but I got some weird looks at first.

 

Have fun with it! Again, don't dwell. Nothing good comes of dwelling.

 

Hugs!

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TammyAnne

Many years ago I was faced with staying in a marriage that was slowly killing me - for the children's sake - or leaving and trying to build a safe space for my children away from their mother.

It was very difficult but I chose to leave rather than suffer "for the children" knowing that staying only demonstrated for them what an unhealthy relationship looked like.

For nearly a decade it seemed like a disaster, my children taking their anger out on me for hurting their mommy. Then they grew up, made adult decisions, began to appreciate the safe space away from their controlling, clinging, smothering mother.

I have a very good relationship with one child. A not very good relationship with the other, who was damaged emotionally by "mommy".

None of those outcomes were predictable from the initial decision I made, nor were they indicated by the first decade after my decision.

Presuming you decide to do what is best for you - whatever that might be - stay focused on making a good life and creating a good environment for your children. Even if it seems futile, there will come a time...

TA

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

Such wonderful advice from you both, my heart goes out to Belle but I think you both have so much more to offer her in terms of much more recent experience. My kids are in their late 40's and early 50's, so there's been a lot of water under the bridge since I began transition and they were in their 20's then so it was just kind of who cares on their part.

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Belle

My world blew up tonight. People don't understand. All they can see is "sin." My wife told me I had to leave because I wouldn't let her have my phone so she could snoop through it. I packed up what I could and took it to the car. I went back in to tell the kids I would be leaving. My wife blew up and told them it's because their daddy likes to wear women's clothing and wants to grow breasts and be a woman.

 

I have never in my life been shamed so cruelly. Church leaders are suddenly giving me ultimatums via text. They are telling me how wrong I am to be seeking counsel from a gender therapist. In order to stay in my house so my kids don't get more traumatized I had to throw away all my clothes and makeup.

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ShawnaLeigh

I am so sorry this is happening.  I truly am.  I wish I could tell you all the right things but I don’t have any answers for you.  I have been through three divorces and an enviable fourth due to only wanting to be me.  
NONE OF THEM WERE EASY.  All involved kids.  I’ve lost my entire life home etc all three times.  So Zi certainly know the fears you are having. The heart break.  
Ylu have it harder because there are the church folks hanging up on you on her behalf.  It seems like there is nothing you can say to combat the gNg mentality.  
You have a lot of thinking and planning to do. Ask yourself.   At this point would “dropping everything” really help?  It seems like now that the info is out there the damage is done and she won’t listen to anyone but them.  
I pray this is not the case.  
Even if she will have you back if you stop everything today will it help you?  Will it save your marriage or just delay it further? Will it just go back to what it was?  Will you be happy?  
My heartbreaks for you Bella.  Please stay safe. 

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Belle

Thank you Shawna. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up and realize it wasn't a dream.

 

Of the ways I have been hurt in my life this eclipses them all. I didn't want to proceed with transition because I didn't want to nuke my life. But it's been nuked for me before I even had a chance to figure things out. It's so hard to grasp that my life will never be the same.

 

I'm frightened by the depression that I know will hit in the morning.

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ShawnaLeigh

I completely understand.  I still have those nights when I wake and find I’m not in my bed next to all our dogs and my wife.  We moved me into a spare room.  I’m still in my home but I cry a lot even still knowing the end is coming. The closer I become me the further away my marriage is getting. Everyday it’s closer to being gone.  So I know the whole just being nuked feeling well as I am still riding the shockwave.  It hurts.  Heart is broken.  Mind is in a whirl wind.  Life doesn’t seem worth it.  Transition does se worth it.  Guilt.  Sadness.   But it passes.  Trust me.  It will get better or you will get stronger.  Most likely both. 
My wife is becoming my friend.  I can be thankful for that. Although a marriage is slowly fading away I am not homeless and we still share some plans.  
You will find your way.  Your balance.  Right now it’s just so raw.  Unfair.  Sadness.  Try to be you and try to talk with her after she has had time.  
It grieves me that so many “church” folks are assisting the ruin of your marriage.  I’m sure they “think” they are helping but they are not.  It’s none of their business.  But your wife opened that door and let them in.  I sincerely hope it works out for you.  And her.  And your children.  I’m sure they are confused and being told lies to build walks away from you.  I am sorry hon.  

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TammyAnne

And on a Sunday morning. The "church" folks should be reminded of the parable that goes "he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

Judging others is a terrible thing.

All I can  offer this morning is a big hug.

TA

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Charlize

I thought the world would end when i made my need to live as myself be known to my wife.  There were days of tears and a feeling in my chest and stomach that is hard to explain.  It hurt!  I had lived through detox after a long time addiction years before and i remembered the slogan: "one day at a time".  It helped as did another slogan: "to thy own self be true".

It gets better dear.  Hang in there, get help as you can.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Belle
1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I completely understand.  I still have those nights when I wake and find I’m not in my bed next to all our dogs and my wife.  We moved me into a spare room.  I’m still in my home but I cry a lot even still knowing the end is coming. The closer I become me the further away my marriage is getting. Everyday it’s closer to being gone.  So I know the whole just being nuked feeling well as I am still riding the shockwave.  It hurts.  Heart is broken.  Mind is in a whirl wind.  Life doesn’t seem worth it.

Oh Shawna, I didn't realize things had already gone this far with you and your wife. That's so awful... my heart goes out to you in compassion and solidarity.

 

Quote

 

 Transition does se worth it.  Guilt.  Sadness.   But it passes.  Trust me.  It will get better or you will get stronger.  Most likely both. 
My wife is becoming my friend.  I can be thankful for that. Although a marriage is slowly fading away I am not homeless and we still share some plans.  
You will find your way.  Your balance.  Right now it’s just so raw.  Unfair.  Sadness.  Try to be you and try to talk with her after she has had time.

She has left a gaping hole in my heart. I had no idea she could be so cruel. And either she sincerely thinks she's doing what's right or she's making strategic moves for the end. I have trusted her with my heart, mind, and body for so long. She broke that trust in an irreparable way. I can no longer have any sort of emotional, intellectual, or physical intimacy with her. I don't want to be her friend. But I am truly glad you still have a relationship with your wife. I wish mine hadn't done that. 

 

Quote

It grieves me that so many “church” folks are assisting the ruin of your marriage.  I’m sure they “think” they are helping but they are not.  It’s none of their business.  But your wife opened that door and let them in.

These are people I love and I know love me. They think they know what's best, and I can't fault them for that. The thing that's so heartwrenching about it is that I am so misunderstood. Such public exposure and shame has been my nightmare for as long as I can remember. When I imagine Jesus on the cross, the thing that pierces my heart the most is thinking about how almost everyone who was watching him die a horrible, torturous death assumed he was one of the worst and most immoral people who had ever walked the earth. But he was innocent and woefully misunderstood by everyone, even those that were closest to him. It's one way I can relate to him personally.

 

Quote

 I sincerely hope it works out for you.  And her.  And your children.  I’m sure they are confused and being told lies to build walks away from you.  I am sorry hon.  

Yes, I feel they are. But as they get older they will understand the dynamics better, especially since gender incongruence is becoming common knowledge.

 

I am so thankful to have come here when I did. I can't imagine what it would be like to be completely alone right now. And I'm thankful for all of you who have so readily offered love and support.

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Belle
1 hour ago, TammyAnne said:

And on a Sunday morning. The "church" folks should be reminded of the parable that goes "he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

Judging others is a terrible thing.

All I can  offer this morning is a big hug.

TA

That scene in scripture has been in my mind a lot lately. And these particular people know better. Thank you Tammy. 

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ShawnaLeigh
41 minutes ago, Belle said:

Oh Shawna, I didn't realize things had already gone this far with you and your wife. That's so awful... my heart goes out to you in compassion and solidarity.

 

She has left a gaping hole in my heart. I had no idea she could be so cruel. And either she sincerely thinks she's doing what's right or she's making strategic moves for the end. I have trusted her with my heart, mind, and body for so long. She broke that trust in an irreparable way. I can no longer have any sort of emotional, intellectual, or physical intimacy with her. I don't want to be her friend. But I am truly glad you still have a relationship with your wife. I wish mine hadn't done that. 

 

These are people I love and I know love me. They think they know what's best, and I can't fault them for that. The thing that's so heartwrenching about it is that I am so misunderstood. Such public exposure and shame has been my nightmare for as long as I can remember. When I imagine Jesus on the cross, the thing that pierces my heart the most is thinking about how almost everyone who was watching him die a horrible, torturous death assumed he was one of the worst and most immoral people who had ever walked the earth. But he was innocent and woefully misunderstood by everyone, even those that were closest to him. It's one way I can relate to him personally.

 

Yes, I feel they are. But as they get older they will understand the dynamics better, especially since gender incongruence is becoming common knowledge.

 

I am so thankful to have come here when I did. I can't imagine what it would be like to be completely alone right now. And I'm thankful for all of you who have so readily offered love and support.

You will always have hurt over this. What you can do with it depends on you. Use it to build yourself to be stronger. Get angry if need be to help you out things into perspective. This is not your fault.  You are who you are.  
You always will have us too.  Please know that.  I realize we are internet “friends” but just getting things and feelings out has helped me.  Knowing other DO understand helped me.  It doesn’t cure anything.  Only you can do that.  But we are hear to listen and encourage and just be there.  
Lots of Love

 

Shawna. 

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Belle
49 minutes ago, Charlize said:

I thought the world would end when i made my need to live as myself be known to my wife.  There were days of tears and a feeling in my chest and stomach that is hard to explain.  It hurt!  I had lived through detox after a long time addiction years before and i remembered the slogan: "one day at a time".  It helped as did another slogan: "to thy own self be true".

It gets better dear.  Hang in there, get help as you can.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Ugh, I know that feeling in my chest. I've had it for so long. There was a moment last week when it went away briefly. It was when I accepted that I am truly a woman. It came back when I started talking to my wife.

 

You know, I have been suicidal in the past when I thought my marriage was over. This time, when I know for sure it's over, I'm not feeling that way near as much. I think it's because I realize that I now have freedom I didn't have before to begin understanding who I truly am. 

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Jackie C.

I'm sorry Belle. I just lost all respect I might have had for your wife's church. It's apparently the kind of place where you fall in line and think what you're told or they cast you out of the community. I've seen too many of those. It's easier for people to go to church and tell each other they're good people than it is to actually be good people. You're hurting, you're asking for a helping hand and all they're giving you is a finger.

It's completely OK to feel betrayed by these people. Because they betrayed you. Because they're still in the process of trying to tear you down. Don't let them. You know who you are.

Remember, god made you this way. They're rejecting god's work, not you. There is no sin in being yourself so long as you bring no harm to another. (Small g because I'm not a believer. I was, however raised Baptist/Lutheran and both of my grandmothers liked to discuss bible passages. Neither of us convinced the other, but we had a good time discussing parables.) 

 

It makes me sad that you have people like that in your life. You're right about the kids though, presuming they aren't indoctrinated into hate, they'll come around once they're old enough to start asking questions. Society at large is more accepting than it was. There are just some pockets of resistance. Unfortunately your wife's church is one of them.

 

Stay strong. May you have a blessed day. Remember that life has ups and downs. It's bad today, but tomorrow is still waiting for you.

 

Hugs!

 

 

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VickySGV

I am going to be practical for a moment here, and suggest that you get in contact with a lawyer who  knows the issues that Trans people face and get them working to  help you with this since it sounds like your spouse is getting all kinds of information about you that will make things worse, actually for both of you.

 

Even being in a Christian denomination myself, I have learned that the word "sin" when used as a weapon shows their fear and ignorance that is totally void of any understanding and is a trained in reaction to anything strange.  I have gotten to the point where I no longer care if the term is used, it no longer frightens me.  I have told more than one person that for them it probably is a sin to do what I do but it would be theirs and not mine.  I will be happy to let them go to hell as long as they leave me alone.

 

I am sad to say that your state has a very large number of seeming "religious" groups that are bully pits of conformity to their way alone.  Texas does have a growing number or areas though with strong Trans support networks that you can seek out for support.  I am sure your therapist can point you to one. 

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Belle

I hate the idea of getting a lawyer. I have thought about it though. I emailed my therapist and told her what is going on. She said she would help me get involved in the community. I am thankful for that. There is a vibrant community where I live, I just haven't been able to get into it. 

 

I have been in bed all day. I'm failing at life.

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ShawnaLeigh

You are not failing at life.  Or marriage. Or being a parent.  Your wife and church are failing you. 
im sorry.  I know they all have a lot of meaning to you but from an outside perspective that’s what I am seeing.  None of this is your fault.  None!  You are who you are and have a right to be just like anyone else!  
They are the ones with the issues not you. 
unfortunately you are the one who must pay the penalties.  It’s not right but that is how it is.  
It sucks and I’m sorry for it all.  It breaks my heart.  😢 

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Belle

It is so hard to not feel like it is all my fault. 

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

You are not failing at life.  Or marriage. Or being a parent.  Your wife and church are failing you. 
im sorry.  I know they all have a lot of meaning to you but from an outside perspective that’s what I am seeing.  None of this is your fault.  None!  You are who you are and have a right to be just like anyone else!  
They are the ones with the issues not you. 
unfortunately you are the one who must pay the penalties.  It’s not right but that is how it is.  
It sucks and I’m sorry for it all.  It breaks my heart.  😢 

It is so hard to not feel like it is my fault... like I should not try to explore, or like I should have told her before we were married. But I had suppressed it so deeply that I did not know what I was. Once I finally figured it out after so much counseling for depression and sex addiction everything changed. Everything was so abundantly clear. I keep remembering more from my childhood, like how I always identified with my mom and felt much more comfortable mimicking her speech and behavior. And so many things I believe others noticed but I had no clue about. I have to keep reminding myself about these things.

 

Shawna I cherish your words and experience. You are so uplifting to me!

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ShawnaLeigh
1 hour ago, Belle said:

I should have told her before we were married. But I had suppressed it so deeply that I did not know what I was

This is exactly the point.  You didn’t know fully what you were.  How were you even able to explain it all to her?
This is how my therapist explained it to me.  Yes we knew “something” but it was not entirely “this” when we married.  So it’s not your fault that you figured more out about yourself after the fact.  
I sadly can not claim this though.  Being honest with myself I knew A long time before.  I was just determined to “not go there” and do I hid. I’m guilty of that.  In this I am truly sorry to my wife.  But I have not said I’m sorry for simply wanting to be me. Once Zi knew Zi couldn’t live anymore hiding. I will not apologize for being the way I am.  I don’t hold my wife at fault for not being a lesbian and therefore staying married to me.  She is not and will not cross that line.  She is who she is and feels and wants what she feels and wants.  As she said the same to me about me.  Unfortunately her understanding does not equal her acceptance.  
Bella, honey, it’s not your fault.  I swear to you it’s not.  

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

The church, I'm referring to the universal body of believers in Christ who accept the bible as the inspired word of God, tends to see things based on scripture as black and white. In a sense it can be very problematic as it occasionally creates a polemic relationship between them and those outside the church, a rather unbecoming, we the saved, and they the unsaved situation, and even more unfortunately they tend to project it. This of course is not at all what Christ is like and certainly doesn't reflect his will. Sadly those that inadvertantly indulge in that kind of behavior unwittingly create a negative view of the church and of Christ. People whose lives are totally ensconced in what I call churchianity become rather ingrown as a group and miss the point of being gatherers and become scaterers. I love my fellow Christians, but for this reason alone I no longer attend the corporate church services. Not all churches are so rigid, but then many of the more accepting churches no longer preach the Gospel of Christ so they are worthless as well. Sin is a word that means to fall short of absolute perfection, we're all sinners, Christ paid the price for it in our behalf. Bottom line is that's all you need to know and thankfully accept as sufficient for your own lives.

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Belle
42 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

Sin is a word that means to fall short of absolute perfection, we're all sinners, Christ paid the price for it in our behalf. Bottom line is that's all you need to know and thankfully accept as sufficient for your own lives.

That is so true NB! I'm even guilty of expecting perfection from others. But as I've become more aware of how I fall short I've grown in my ability to offer grace. Life is so messy, and the more we try to fit it in a box the bigger the mess explodes.

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      Interesting, Susan. I have attended a very conservative evangelical church for a long time. When I started realizing what was happening to me I had to run toward the nearest affirming church I could find. They have already gone through what you are talking about, and have a thriving LGBTQ+ congregation.   It might be helpful to find out if the church is only doing this to stay in line with the denomination leadership (i.e., check all the check boxes and get a good score) or if the leadership of the church is genuinely interested in learning how to love and accept those in the LGBTQ+ community.   Also, if you intend to be a pioneer of this change in that church then you probably want to make sure you are really able to commit for the long haul. The Church is made up of imperfect people, and you will undoubtedly be hurt by people in the church during this struggle.   I'm glad to hear that you are making an impact.   Belle ❤
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/religion/story/2020-02-16/first-transgender-nonbinary-priest-ordained   This is great.  I wish them all the best.  I just hope they don't get any pushback from the Church.   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.bigcountryhomepage.com/news/dozens-of-transgender-migrants-arrive-at-border-want-asylum-in-us/   Carolyn Marie
    • Aidan5
      My brother has finally ticked off my explosion meter. I was doing so good too, but I drew the line when he called me and my friend on the bus "f*ggots" I ignored it so I wouldn't cause a scene but a few days later (Today) I lost it because he brought it up again. I usually don't resort to violence, but I have had enough of his shizzle he is going to be 18 next week and joining the navy in July, he should know that he isn't allowed to discriminate. I could care less that he called me the name, no one messes with my friends. He had it coming, I know it hurt him and I have no pity for him, he can throw some ice on it and grow up. I think I got my message across, I am sorry to those who would never recommend violence, I truly am sorry but he has been pissing me off like it was a game. Little did he know I stay up working out and building muscle, thanks to months of working out I can bench over 100 lbs.    I did get in trouble and I took full responsibility.  
    • Susan R
      That nice young lady doing the video had some sage advice.  I’m glad you listened to your conscious with her helpful counterpoints and did what was best for you.   Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      I empathize with you and this exact situation.  This scenario of having my new default email used as I wrote a quick note to an old neighbor.  Not quite as life changing as your well-meaning family member’s “reply to all” but I still had some explaining to do.  It’s all water under the bridge at this point but I still remember the feeling of my stomach hitting the floor after the realization of what had just happened.  I’m sure everything will work out in the end but your timeline definitely changed at that very instant.   My Best, Susan R🌷  
    • catiosern
      I started off 'amazed soft', now 'worried amazed soft'. Suppose you walk into your office workplace and your mildly grumpy burned-out co-workers were being suddenly extra-nice to you. You would start out amazed, then you would wonder what's up. This is kind of the same feeling.   I am of two minds on this. Logically I know there aren't any magic bullets. Logically, if this somehow was, an entire type of cosmetic surgery would become obsolete. This product would not have dozens of reviews, it would have thousands. And it wouldn't be able to be bought online, it would be a prescription.    Besides logic there is raw results. Somethings is definitely happening. As the old adage goes "The best is the enemy of the good". Is it perfect? no. Is it worrying? yes. Will I continue? with reservations, yes. I suppose if I wanted definitive results I could see a doctor, and that's not happening.   I do appreciate the help and advise.    Many thanks (really, truly, thank you)
    • MetaLicious
      When I first knew I going to transition (before I had consciously decided), I began looking for resources to help me get the genie back in the bottle.  I would Google things like "how to deal with being trans" hoping that someone had some wisdom about how to suck it up and keep pretending nothing was amiss.   I came across a video on YouTube from the TransitionChannel, titled something like "Excuses to avoid transition." The nice young lady proceeded to shoot down every single argument I had made against transitioning.  One of the excuses was "I'd make a terrible woman" and her response was "You don't know that!"   The past couple of days I have gotten "ma'am", "miss", and "lady" from strangers, and I have come to realize that she was right.  I didn't know.  I could not ever know if I had not tried.
    • MetaLicious
      I know this to be true, and I was hoping to wait for "the right time" to bring it up with my wife, but...  This morning I took a picture of my sons, both smiling, and the wife urged me to send it out, so I did, to all my immediate family.  Little did I realize that Google selected my new email address to send it from - complete with my new name!   The next thing I know, I am getting a reply from a very caring and very well-meaning family member asking if that is what I would like to be called, and what are my pronouns now, etcetera.  Only it is not just a reply - it is a reply-to-all!   I once told my wife that if there was a button that could instantly and permanently make me female, I would press it without hesitation, and deal with the fallout later. I also told her that the only thing that could make me hesitate would be a button that would allow me to change my gender at will.   My wife saw my exploration of my femininity as a broadening of my space of possibilities. She sees my choice of a feminine name as a rejection of my masculinity, and a narrowing of that space.  She said she married a Michael, and is now wondering if all our years together were a lie.  By the goddess, that one hurt!   Now I need to talk to her, I need to find the words to say how I feel while leaving her the space to have her own feelings.  There was only self-deception - I never lied to her. She always knew I had a female side, the only revelation is how much larger that side of me is.  And, for the life of me, I cannot see how being true to myself could narrow my being.  Confining myself to a male presentation has only led to anger, anxiety, depression, and drug abuse.  Since coming out, I have been calmer and happier, and it took some effort, but I am clean now, as well.   I do not want to rush her, because she will need time to process something significant like a name change (she acknowledged that it is a bigger deal than "just" coming out).  I do, however, want her to keep in mind the positive effects of the changes I have made so far.  I want to try and see the positive potential for changes that may yet come.   I don't know why, but it really makes my evening to hear you say that, Ms Maddie!  Thank you!  Maybe I should just take the name "Meta" - it seems equally feminine and masculine...
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Thank you all so much. This thread has been more affirming to me that any other I’ve posted. You all make me feel so loved welcomed and now pretty.  I mean seriously.  I did not expect anyone to say anything really.  Thank you... ok your going to make me cry.  Lol
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